Memories of May

by Juliet Madison

  ‘Oh, absolutely anything,’ I said with enthusiasm. ‘If it’s a book, I’ll read it.’

  ‘Maybe you should try your hand at writing, yourself?’ he suggested.

  Oooh! My nerves were bubbling with excitement. He was definitely my secret admirer.

  ‘Maybe,’ I said, trying to keep my smile demure. ‘Or even own a bookstore one day, that would be wonderful, to be surrounded by such beautiful things as books.’ I sipped at my tea but had lost my thirst. Here goes … ‘I was actually thinking I might try my hand at poetry. I don’t know how clever it will be, but I could try.’ I looked him in the eye.

  ‘Oh?’ he said. ‘Have you always been interested in poetry?’

  ‘Only since about …’ I tapped at my chin. ‘Today.’

  He tilted his head and eyed me curiously. ‘Why is that?’

  ‘Oh, I’m not sure. I was just thinking how miraculous it was that Mother survived, and that if I could try something new and be clever at it, it could be miraculous too.’

  My words didn’t make that much sense, but I hoped by alluding to his choice of words in the letter that I would catch a glimpse of recognition in is eyes, or a flush of his cheeks. But there was nothing. He was very good at keeping a secret.

  I glanced sideways towards the kitchen and noticed the shopping list sitting on the side table near the doorway that Mrs Chevalier had placed there earlier, telling me to add anything that Mother or Father or I needed. I stood and went to the list, pretending to add something. ‘Do you need to add anything while I’m here?’ I asked Jacques.

  He shook his head.

  Rats. I was hoping to see his handwriting.

  I nibbled on my bottom lip and held onto the list, then I took a breath and approached him at the sofa. ‘I was wondering if I might ask your opinion?’

  ‘Of course. About what?’ He looked up from the book.

  ‘I had to sign some papers recently, but I haven’t yet decided on what my official adult signature should be.’ I wrote out two options on the back of the list, one with pointy tipped Ms and one with rounded Ms.

  ‘Both look perfectly fine to me,’ he replied after taking a look.

  I placed the list next to him. ‘How would you write my name?’ I made my smile a little more flirtatious than demure, to hint that I was just being a bit playful and hoping he would amuse me and participate.

  ‘Why are you interested in how I would write your name?’ He smiled back.

  ‘Just curious, that’s all.’ I handed him the pencil.

  He took it and in cursive script he wrote my name, the M with pointed tips.

  My smile faded. That was strange. Or perhaps he was writing the letter in a different way so as to keep the secret. Yes, that could be it. My smile returned, until I noticed that he was holding the pencil in his right hand. The letter mentioned he was holding tea in his right hand and the pencil in his left.

  My admirer was left-handed. Jacques wasn’t.

  To be sure, I asked, ‘Do you think you’ll travel one day, see the world, Jacques?’

  He shrugged. ‘Maybe, but probably not. I quite like Tarrin’s Bay, and I may need to take over the tailor’s shop at some point, try to keep it in the family. We have a good life here, it’d be a shame to waste it.’

  My shoulders sunk. I took the list back to the table and went back for my teacup and saucer to wash it in the kitchen.

  If Jacques wasn’t my admirer, who was? Or perhaps it was one of my friends playing a trick on me. I wouldn’t put it past Betty. But to continue it after the fire? That didn’t seem right. No, somewhere out there was a left-handed man who wanted to run away with me and have miraculous, marvellous, magnificent adventures. And while I wanted to stay here and look after Mother and help rebuild our lives, part of me loved the idea of starting over, of taking a risk, of having an adventure for myself now that my adult life was only just beginning …

  Chapter 11

  ‘Muuummm!’ Mia tugged at Olivia’s pyjama top. She didn’t want to open her eyes, having stayed up way too late working on Memories of May, and then reading more of One More Breath and learning a whole lot more about Joel.

  ‘Just a few minutes, sweetie,’ she mumbled.

  ‘But I’m hunnggrrry!’

  ‘You can get your own cereal sometimes, remember?’

  ‘Yes but I don’t want cereal,’ she whined. ‘And it’s Sunday, pancake day.’

  Oh yes. It had become tradition, except when she had to work the occasional Sunday and didn’t have as much time in the morning.

  Olivia forced her muscles to cooperate and pushed herself up with her arms, while Mia yanked at her pyjama top, helping her a little.

  She met Mia in the kitchen after waking herself up in the bathroom, and made up the batter. She usually made smaller pancakes, like pikelets, as they were handy to freeze and place in Mia’s school lunches.

  Mia helped her drop spoonfuls into the pan, and when they bubbled Olivia turned them over.

  For the second batch, Olivia added the last spoonful that would fit in the pan, but found herself adding a bit extra, making it slightly larger, and then pushing two parts of the edges outward. Her mind was in a daze, but she soon realised that without thinking she had made a different shape.

  ‘Mummy! It’s beautiful!’ said Mia. ‘A heart!’

  ‘Huh,’ she said. ‘So it is. I don’t know where that came from.’

  Here she was, doing the same old things differently without it even being on purpose. This was a much better idea than camping.

  ‘It came from your hands, silly. You made it.’

  ‘I did indeed. Would you like to eat the heart pancake?’

  Mia nodded rapidly, her hair falling over her cheeks.

  ‘I will put it on a special plate all on its own.’

  When all the pancakes were made, she added raspberry jam to the heart and then took a photo of it.

  ‘We should show Mrs May!’ she exclaimed.

  Olivia nodded and then as Mia gobbled up the pancake, she clicked onto her text messages.

  I did something differently, look: She added the photo of the pancake to her message to Joel.

  After she had put jam on the other pancakes and frozen the remaining ones, he replied.

  Do you mean you don’t normally make heart-shaped pancakes?! His reply included a shocked emoji.

  Never. Circles all the way.

  I challenge you to make a new shape every week. Next week, a butterfly. #pancakechallenge

  Why a butterfly?

  Why not? Actually, it symbolises transformation.

  OK. You’re on. #pancakechallengeaccepted

  Olivia giggled.

  ‘What’s so funny, Mummy?’ Mia asked, wiping jam from the corners of her bow-shaped lips.

  ‘Nothing, sweetie.’

  ‘There must be something funny, you’re giggling like I did when you told me how babies are made. Are you laughing about that?’

  ‘No,’ she chuckled. ‘I just feel quite happy right in this moment and felt like giggling. Giggling is fun.’ A smile warmed her cheeks and she took her daughter’s hands, swinging them up and down in the kitchen.

  ‘Come here,’ Mia said, raising her chin and pouting her lips. Olivia bent down and let her daughter kiss her on the cheek. ‘I love you, Mummy.’

  Olivia’s heart swelled, and she kissed Mia back. ‘I love you too, my beautiful girl.’

  Now that was a book-worthy moment.

  * * *

  ‘Thanks, Peter.’ Olivia stepped out of the car with her friend April, and waved at her mother’s boyfriend who had dropped them off at the local bar and bistro that overlooked the beach near the entrance to town, with a view of Serendipity Health Retreat in the distance. He would pick them up too, allowing them to have some alcohol with their meal, while he and Diana minded Mia.

  ‘Oh, yum, I haven’t had a cocktail in ages!’ April sipped through the straw of her margarita, her tattoo ring catching Olivia’s eye.


  ‘Me neither.’ Olivia sipped from her mojito. ‘You don’t feel awkward about it?’

  ‘Not if I’m out. I don’t keep any alcohol in the house anymore and Zac knows I have the odd one when I’m out, but never when I’m with him.’

  ‘It’s great how he’s got your support. Sounds like he’s going to end up with a great memoir, too, by the sounds of it. I was quite proud of him speaking up at last Tuesday’s class.’

  ‘Yeah, he’s super keen to do it, and I think he always needs to write stuff down, otherwise I find him pacing the house at night, when his thoughts overwhelm him.’

  ‘Sometimes that happens to me but I’m usually too tired to pace!’

  ‘Ha, I’ve never been one for pacing, but I’m good at standing with my hands on my hips and glancing around like I don’t know what to do next.’

  ‘I can so see you doing that.’

  ‘Hey, wait till the food arrives before you guzzle all that drink, girl!’

  Olivia glanced down. ‘Oh, I hadn’t noticed. Whoops. Don’t want to have a hangover at work tomorrow. Not that I’ve had a hangover in over ten years, I wouldn’t remember what they feel like. Have they changed?’

  April laughed. ‘You know I don’t know about that either. I have two alcoholics as loved ones … I’ve never wanted to take the risk. One cocktail is good enough for me.’

  ‘Me too,’ Olivia said. But by the time she was halfway through her meal her drink had run out and she was thirsty. ‘Hmm, maybe I could have one more. Do you mind?’

  April gestured to the bar. ‘Not at all. Enjoy.’

  She ordered her drink and this time drank it more slowly, but her head felt slightly woozy. She showed April some of the latest photos in her phone, of Mrs May, of Mia, and …

  ‘What’s that? A heart pancake?’

  ‘Umm, yep.’

  April narrowed her eyes and tilted her head at Olivia. ‘Are you in lurrve or something?’

  ‘No. Just felt like it. And I’ve been told I need to do different things every once in a while, you know, to start getting out of my comfort zone to have some new experiences.’

  ‘Heart-shape pancakes are getting out of your comfort zone, are they?’ April let out a loud laugh. ‘We really need to get out together more.’

  ‘Fancy going camping?’ Olivia said feebly.

  ‘Camping? No thanks, unless it’s glamping? Zac has tried to get me to go, but it’s not something I feel the urge to do.’

  ‘Me neither, but I might be.’

  ‘Why? And who told you that you need to do different things?’

  Olivia filled her in about Joel and their lunches and his ‘challenges’.

  ‘Ohh, I see. I’d like to meet this Joel, might have to come meet Zac at the end of class one night.’

  She also filled her in on the handbag strap, and the creative way she explained the birds and the bees to Mia.

  ‘Oh, girl, you do need to get out more. And also, how about for something different you ask a guy out on a date. Maybe Joel, why not?’

  ‘Why not?’ Olivia’s face warmed and her nerves relaxed. ‘Because he’s my writing mentor. I’m his student. Forbidden love and all that.’

  April laughed again. ‘Forbidden schmidden, you’re not at high school anymore, he’s teaching a six-week informal course in a hall. He’s a guy, you’re a girl. Just get it on and have a night to remember.’ She drank the rest of her cocktail.

  Olivia fiddled with her hair. ‘I couldn’t. And I don’t want to. He’s leaving at the end of the course and will be off on new adventures, so there’s no point.’

  ‘There’s every point. Give yourself some time to have fun. And I do recall you and a couple of others encouraging me to have a fling with Mr Neighbour last year. Look how well that turned out.’ She grinned.

  ‘I know, but you were neighbours and he wasn’t about to leave town. Anyway, just because he’s a guy around my age and is decent looking and nice and friendly and interesting and intelligent and brave and funny and confident and cute and sexy and …’ She took a breath. ‘Did I just say sexy?’

  ‘Uh-huh. Along with fifty million other complimentary adjectives.’

  Olivia let out a burst of laughter. ‘What’s an adjective again? Is that a doing word or a … no, it’s a describing word, isn’t it. Forgot.’ She whacked herself on the forehead.

  ‘Oh my, you are quite entertaining tonight. And hey, would you like me to take a video of you yapping on with a cocktail in your hand and send it to this Joel guy for you, to show him that you’re doing more things out of your comfort zone?’

  ‘No, don’t you dare.’ Olivia held her phone close to her chest, but it dropped onto the floor. ‘Bugger.’ She bent down, and had to hold the table to steady herself when she got back up.

  ‘Is there a sex scene in this list of book-worthy moments? Huh? Is there? Is there?’ April nudged her with her elbow.

  ‘As if I’d let him write that down on the list!’

  ‘Do you want it on the list?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Do you want it?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You don’t want sex?’

  ‘No, I mean, not as some thing to tick off my list, and not with him. I hardly know the guy. And he thinks I’m boring and plain.’

  ‘So get to know him, and show him you’re not boring and plain, because you’re not. You’re sweet and awesome and any guy would be lucky to have you.’

  ‘Aww, well thank you.’ She slipped an arm around April in a hug.

  ‘But seriously, he’s only here for a few weeks, we know he’s not a serial killer, so why not flirt a bit and see where it leads? If it backfires he’ll be out of town and you won’t have to worry, if it goes well you’ll have a nice memory. How long has it been since you’ve been with a guy, anyway? I mean, really been with a guy?’

  Olivia gulped. ‘Oh, you know, a while. You still hungry? Perhaps some dessert?’ She glanced at the menu.

  ‘Hey,’ April leaned in close. ‘I know we haven’t known each other for that long really, but you can tell me anything. I’m here to chat about anything at any time, you know.’

  Her cheeks flushed and she felt vulnerable, exposed. It shouldn’t matter how long it had been, but for some reason it made her feel different, abnormal, compared to other women her age. ‘Well, Mia is nine and a half, I’ve been on a few small dates here and there. Actually, only two. But they didn’t lead to anything. Add on nine months for pregnancy, and you have … what … just over ten years?’ There. She’d said it out loud. It wasn’t like it had been decades, but it was still double figures. And she’d simply grown used to not having anyone in her life.

  ‘So Mia’s dad was the last time?’

  Olivia nodded, taking a sip of her drink.

  April nodded too. ‘Huh, well there you go. Decision made. Go get it out of your system. Break the drought.’

  ‘It’s not that easy, what do I do, just say, “hey, care to put a girl out of her misery?”’

  ‘I’m sure you’d get a lot of takers. Probably a few in here.’ They looked around at the customers, a few middle-aged men drinking beers and eating fries and burgers.

  ‘Oh, please.’

  ‘Exactly, that’s what they’d say.’ April grinned.

  Olivia whacked her on the arm. ‘Stop. Anyway, I’ve just never found the right guy, or any decent guy really, I don’t have the lifestyle for it.’

  ‘Then take action. Online dating?’

  Olivia shook her head. ‘Probably come across too many customers or locals and that would be awkward.’

  ‘Then get to know Joel, see if he has potential.’

  ‘Wouldn’t that be like using him? That’s a bit cheap. And desperate. And I don’t know if I like him in that way.’

  ‘Not if he wanted it too. And he likes adventures. I’m sure he’s got a fit bod, am I right?’

  An image of Joel popped into her mind, though she’d never seen him without a long-sleeved shirt
, in her imagination he was shirtless, and it made her feel things inside she hadn’t felt in a while. ‘I think those drinks are going to my head.’

  ‘Look, after all those adjectives you used, I’d say you think he’s a pretty decent guy. So take advantage of the time he’s here and maximise your connection. See where it leads. Ooh, he could go camping with you!’

  ‘What? No! Although he did say he was going to help me set up the tent and then leave me to it.’

  ‘There you go.’ April gestured in front of her like the opportunity had been presented on a silver platter in front of them.

  ‘I don’t know. I’m not very good at flirting.’

  ‘Um, hello? You sent him a photo of a pancake heart. That’s pretty flirty to me. Show me your texts to each other.’ April snatched Olivia’s phone.

  ‘Hey!’

  She peered at the screen. ‘You two are so already flirting. Subtle, but it’s there. Keep it going!’

  ‘That is flirting? Gee, it must have changed in the decade I haven’t been on the scene. I thought we were just being friendly.’

  ‘It’s all about sexting now, woman. Embrace the technological age.’

  ‘I’m not going to send any of those ridiculous selfies young people take these days.’

  ‘Ha-ha, you don’t have to. Be yourself, but extra … sparkly.’

  ‘Sparkly?’

  ‘Like, you know, extra … sparkly. I don’t know how else to describe it. Just take a few risks and try to steer the conversation into more personal matters. And anyway, if he’s helping you do some book-worthy moments, maybe they’ll naturally lead to something beyond the teacher-student relationship.’

  Great. Now, at every class, Olivia wouldn’t be able to watch Joel teach the course without imagining him shirtless. And imagining anything beyond that, or anything happening with him in relation to that, that was definitely out of her comfort zone. But her comfort zone was becoming a bit uncomfortable itself.

  Chapter 12

  I would not take one more breath. I would, and will, take many more. And the same goes for adventures, destinations yet to be revealed …

  Olivia reread the last line of Joel’s book, then closed it with a dull pop, pushing a swish of air up to her face. Wow. What a story. It had taught her a lot about him, but instead of satisfying her curiosity, it only made her want to know more about him.