The Man I Loved Before: A completely gripping and heart-wrenching page turner

by Anna Mansell

  I pick out my other phone, the one from Mitch. I hover over a message to him before tapping a simple sorry. Maybe it all got too much for him. It’s not long since his own mum died. He’s still grieving, living with that pain. Maybe yesterday was too stark a reminder and whilst he’s there trying to support me, I didn’t once ask him how he was feeling. If he was okay. He must have spent so much time at Calow, sitting by her bedside. It must have been all kinds of trigger for his emotions and I didn’t even stop to think. I delete the words sorry and steal myself to call him, but as the phone connects and rings, I hear a car pull up on the drive. His car. I run downstairs.

  ‘Hey, hey, I was just calling you.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me.’ He scoops me up into his arms, holding me close to his chest and that dizzy feeling comes back where our heads touch.

  ‘It’s fine. I don’t know what I was thinking either. It was a heavy day, yesterday, wasn’t it? For both of us. I realised that after the fact, I’m sorry. I guess I was so consumed with Mum stuff I just didn’t stop to think about you and what you’ve been through.’

  He takes my shoulders. ‘You don’t have to. I understand. Honestly. I’m just sorry I flipped. I think you’re probably right, I underestimated how the whole thing would affect me and I think it just hurt a bit, that I was there yet you still needed Leanne.’

  ‘She’s been my rock for so long, Mitch.’

  ‘Of course she has. I get it. She is amazing.’

  ‘She is.’

  He takes me through to the lounge and we sit, facing one another, knees connected. ‘But I’m here too, now. You can talk to me. I’m here for you.’

  ‘But it’s painful, all of this. It must be.’

  ‘It is. But you’re…’ He winds his fingers into mine. ‘Look, I meant what I said the other day. About not wanting to put all these heavy emotions on you when you’ve got all this on your plate already, but… I love you, Jem. I couldn’t believe it when you popped up on my Tinder. I’d always liked you at school but you were so out of my league. And then when we bumped into each other like that, on the same day, I was like… How weird is this? Is it meant to be? I was terrified, I didn’t want to believe what it might mean because I knew I had strong feelings. And then you had all that letter stuff, you just went off to Cornwall…’

  ‘For closure.’

  ‘I know. And that’s good. I realised you needed to do that, that and the letter, it’s all part of you moving on. But… I want you to move on with me in your life. I want us to journey together. I don’t care that this is going to be hard, because I want to be there for you. Whatever you face, I’ll face it with you. I’ll protect you. You are special to me and I’m sorry I messed up last night. Can you forgive me? Please forgive me.’

  ‘There’s nothing to forgive, Mitch. I understand. Of course I understand.’

  We hold each other’s gaze for a moment before he leans forward and kisses me, so tenderly I might melt into him. ‘You don’t have to say it back, Jem. I wouldn’t put that on you, but I love you. And I’m here for you. You’re the most important person in the world to me and I will do anything I can to make this time with your mum the most special and beautiful time that I can.’

  He kisses me again, my belly flips. ‘I love you too, Mitch. I love you too.’

  58

  ‘I thought we could celebrate,’ Mitch says, popping a bottle of Prosecco and letting the fizz fall into two mugs because my mum appears to have got rid of the flutes. ‘To us, to new beginnings.’ He hands me a mug and though it feels strange to be toasting anything at the moment, it’s quite nice to forget about the reality of life and just float in the nice bits. ‘I think your mum likes her new bed, doesn’t she?’ he asks, peeking through at the daybed he set up for her this afternoon. We picked out soft furnishings for it, telling her it was all a surprise. She was a little taken aback but seemed to relax when I promised she didn’t have to use it until she was ready. Like Mitch says, it’s a plan B, there for if and when she needs it. ‘Are we okay?’ he asks, pulling me in to him.

  ‘We’re okay,’ I say, clinking his glass. I tiptoe to reach him, kissing him like I really properly mean it because I’m so grateful for all the thought he put into sorting Mum out and how much I feel like I can stand because he’s here.

  ‘And it doesn’t matter that she didn’t sleep in it tonight, she can try from tomorrow, can’t she?’

  ‘Well, yeah, I mean, if she wants to.’

  ‘Of course, if she wants to. I just think it’ll be better for her. You know, less stress getting up the stairs. She can lounge around whilst we wait on her hand and foot.’ He says that last bit with a smile on his face but I sort of want to point out that she’s not lounging around. I don’t though, obviously, I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way. ‘She seemed pretty good today though, didn’t she? Considering.’

  I move through to the lounge, tucking my feet beneath me as I settle into my normal chair. ‘I think so, she’s mostly just glad to be home.’

  ‘Come here,’ he says, beckoning me over to Mum’s sofa. ‘There’s more room here, let’s snuggle down, watch a film or something.’

  It feels strange to sit here with him, in the spot Mum normally sits, but I do because he’s right, there’s more room. And it’s just a sofa, not her sofa. My need to keep things as they are is fear based, I’m sure. He pulls one of her throws over us, topping up my fizz. He reaches across me, putting the bottle on the side, before shifting to lie on top, manoeuvring himself between my legs. ‘Now don’t you go getting all interested on Mum’s sofa.’

  ‘She’d never know,’ he says, kissing me.

  ‘She bloody would.’ I laugh. ‘That woman’s got radar for all the things you’re not supposed to do, especially when it comes to her sofa. Leanne had a dog, years back, Chien. I let it get up on the sofa when she came over to visit and I swear to God Mum took one look at it and knew there’d been a dog in her seat.’

  ‘Impressive skills,’ he says, working his way from my neck, down to my shoulder.

  ‘Honestly, I’m telling you, she’ll guess.’

  ‘You don’t have to make excuses you know, if you don’t want to do this.’ He lifts his head from my belly. ‘We don’t have to…’

  And though a part of me can’t think straight for everything that’s going off with Mum at the moment, part of me wants to make up for the lack of that extra night in the hotel. ‘You’re very persuasive,’ I say, moving down on the sofa.

  ‘I can be, when I want to be.’ He pushes his hand beneath my T-shirt, running his hand up the middle of my chest, before pulling me into his touch.

  ‘Let’s go upstairs,’ I say, reaching down for his hand.

  ‘But your mum, she’s in the room next door.’

  ‘What?’ I whisper. ‘Do you get stage fright?’ I take his fingers into my mouth.

  ‘Me? Not a chance. Not when it comes to you. You do things to me, you make me want you. I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you. Need you. That’s it,’ he says, shifting himself up, his arms either side of me. ‘You make me need you. Now. Here.’

  The ache I feel is sharply interrupted as the house phone rings. ‘Leave it,’ he says but I jump out from beneath him.

  ‘I can’t. It’ll ring in Mum’s room too and she’s sleeping. Hello?’ Mitch shoves his head into a cushion as I answer.

  ‘Jem, it’s me. Are you okay? I’ve been trying your mobile but couldn’t get through, is everything alright?’

  ‘Leanne, shit, I’m sorry. I was going to text you earlier then we got sorting some jobs out and time ran away with me.’

  ‘What jobs? What’s going on?’

  Mitch reaches for his drink, knocking it back. I can see he’s trying not to be irritated by the fact it’s Leanne on the phone but I can definitely detect a bit of pissed offness. I can’t blame him, it’s not ideal. And he was definitely up for whatever he had in mind whether I’d have managed to get him off Mum
’s sofa or not.

  ‘Look, sorry, now’s not a good time.’ A smile creeps on Mitch’s face as he tops his glass up. He passes me mine, which I empty, handing it back for more. ‘Can I call you back tomorrow?’

  ‘Of course you can, but is everything okay?’

  ‘Yeah. It’s fine. I mean, well, no,’ I add, because I realise I’ve not told her anything about Mum and hospital and the op and prognosis. ‘I mean, we’ve had quite the weekend, but it’s okay. Mitch is here. I’m okay. Mum is stable. I’ll call you tomorrow, or pop round. Are you in?’

  ‘All day.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll pop round. We can catch up then. Oh, hang on, the doctors might be coming at some point. Let me find out what time, when I can in the morning, then I’ll message you and come over.’

  ‘Okay, if you’re sure you’re okay. Just let me know if you need anything, yeah?’

  ‘Of course. Will do. Talk tomorrow.’

  ‘Okay, promise we’ll talk tomorrow.’

  ‘Promise.’

  ‘Love you, bye.’

  I catch sight of Mitch’s face. I don’t think he’s irritated, but he definitely doesn’t get it. ‘Okay. Bye, bye, bye,’ I say, hanging up.

  ‘Now, where were we?’ I ask, cringing at myself because I’m not in a romcom.

  ‘You know what? Maybe the moment’s passed. I’m pretty tired after all the running around this afternoon. And you’re probably right, shagging on your mum’s sofa seems a bit off.’

  ‘We could make up a den again. She can’t come down of her own accord and interrupt us this time.’

  ‘She can’t. But no, let’s save it for when we’re not quite so tired.’ He must see my obvious disappointment. ‘Hey, I love you. We’ve got all the time in the world, haven’t we?’ I nod. ‘So it’s fine. Here, finish this. I’ve got more in the car.’ He kisses me hard, which is a contradiction to all the backing off he’s just done. ‘Gimme two minutes.’

  He jogs out to his car, now a permanent feature on our drive. I adjust my clothes and shake out the frustration that’s built up since we stopped what he started. I wish it were different, and then I feel guilty for thinking it. I mean, in any other situation, any other new relationship, we’d be at it all the time. We’d be sneaking to each other’s places whenever we could. We’d be excited by the time we got to spend together. I’d be sharing it all with Leanne, and Mitch and I would be learning how to be with one another. The Mum stuff has sort of interrupted all of that, maybe we’ll never get it back. And yet, maybe we’ve got something different, deeper forming now. He’s here at the worst moment in my life, he’s around, he’s strong, he’s helping. Some new boyfriends would run a mile at this situation and yet he hasn’t once questioned what he’s doing here. At least, not to my knowledge. He’s stable, he’s present, he’s what some people might call a rock.

  ‘I guess we have to seek the good amongst the shit,’ I say, when he comes back in with two bottles of wine and a whisky bottle.

  ‘We do,’ he agrees, dropping his keys into the bowl on the side. ‘I’ll pop these in the kitchen.’

  ‘Both of them?’

  ‘Obviously not. Go on, find us a film. I’ll pour the wine.’

  And as I flick through the TV channels, it feels nice to hear him move about the kitchen like he’s lived here forever.

  59

  I knock on Leanne’s door, like I haven’t in years. Not sure what’s stopped me just walking in but it’s been days since we spoke properly and I feel bad. Weird, even. When she doesn’t come, I ring the bell.

  ‘What the fuck are you ringing the bell for? Just come in!’ she says, Elsie hanging off her, Freddie the cat making an escape for freedom out of the crack she’s opened wide enough for her to see me, not wide enough for the street to see her feeding. ‘Put the kettle on, will you, I’m bloody parched. This one’s been crying and feeding and crying all chuffin’ morning and Christ knows what’s the matter with her.’

  ‘Teeth?’ I offer, getting out mugs and milk.

  ‘Too soon. Colic, probably.’

  ‘Bless her. You want me to take her?’

  Leanne offers her up immediately. ‘Actually, bloody hell, yes. You can have her, she’s faffing now anyway, give me a break. Honestly, I feel like she’s permanently attached at the moment. So bloody needy. The total opposite to Harley. I could leave him on the play mat for hours whilst I cleaned or cooked or watched Diagnosis: Murder on catch up. This one? Not a chance. She clearly doesn’t like Dick Van Dyke.’

  ‘Harsh.’

  ‘That’s what I said.’

  I sit at the breakfast bar, bouncing Elsie on my shoulder. She’s a bit grumbly but Leanne doesn’t look like she’s gonna step in any time soon.

  ‘Anyway, never mind me. What’s been going on with you? I thought you’d fallen off the actual planet. I was really worried for the first two days.’

  ‘I know, I’m sorry. Really, I am. It was just… it all happened so quickly.’

  ‘What did?’

  ‘Mum. Mitch and I went to Hathersage, to The George, the honeymoon suite, no less.’

  ‘Nice!’

  ‘Yeah. It was. Bloody lovely in fact, but then Mum took a fall—’

  Leanne spins round. ‘Shit!’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Why didn’t you call?’

  ‘There wasn’t time. Mitch and I paid up and left as quickly as we could. We were only there one night, he’d booked us in for two.’

  ‘A pricey do, I’ll bet. He must have been a bit annoyed at having to leave early?’

  ‘No, he was fine about it. I ended up paying the bill anyway.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘His card was declined, we were in a rush. He’ll pay me back, I’m not worried. It’s just that we needed to get to Mum. Think he was pretty embarrassed really.’

  ‘Right.’

  She’s making tea but studying me as I talk. It always makes me nervous when she does that. ‘Anyway, we paid up, went over to Calow, and it all pretty much went to shit from there.’

  ‘You okay with Elsie?’

  ‘Yeah, I’m fine.’

  ‘Come through.’

  I follow her to the lounge, shifting into the corner of her massive sofa, tucking my feet under a giant cushion. Cosy. ‘So, yeah, she had a fall. Her muscles are wasting away, it’s the steroids.’

  ‘Oh, no…’

  ‘And then they noticed she was jaundiced, so ran some tests and found a blockage.’

  ‘Shit.’

  ‘They were great. It was weekend doctors, but they still managed to sort it.’

  ‘Thank God for the NHS.’

  ‘Totally. They fitted a stent, sent her home.’

  ‘And is she okay at home? What have they said?’

  ‘Well…’ I move Elsie into the crook of my arm. She relaxes and a tiny bubble blows out of her mouth. ‘It’s not good.’ It feels like an understatement but how else do I talk about it?

  ‘How not good?’

  I run my fingers down Elsie’s velvet soft cheeks. A new life, so much ahead of her, the idea overwhelms me.

  Eventually I just come out with it. ‘Mum’s not got long left.’ And though I thought I was okay, in control of my emotions, as soon as I say it, my nose stings because I realise I’ve been trying not to cry for the last few days, even with Mitch, yet here, now, with Leanne, I don’t think I can help myself. I put my tea down. I take a deep breath. ‘I’m losing her, Leanne.’ She moves beside me, Elsie tucked between us. She takes my hand and passes me a tissue. ‘What am I going to do without her? It’s so unfair. She’s too young, I just… I don’t want her to go yet.’ Leanne pulls me into her arms and holds me as I shake and cry and everything about the last few days just floods out. ‘I’ve been trying to stay so strong for her, be so on it and in control so she knows she doesn’t have to worry, but I don’t feel strong and in control.’

  ‘You don’t have to, do you?’

  ‘I don’t have to, but I don’t
want her to worry about me. And she would. If she could see me crack, she’d worry, and she’s got enough on her mind. It’s like Mitch says, she doesn’t need the pressure.’

  ‘She wouldn’t expect you to be superhuman, Jem. You know that.’

  I wipe my face on my sleeve, then my sleeve on my leg.

  ‘What else has Mitch said?’ she asks, gently.

  ‘He’s been amazing. He’s carried her to her bed because she wasn’t ready to stay downstairs, in the daybed he’s bought and built for her. He’s been cooking. He’s been out to fetch things she really wants to eat. It’s weird. A few weeks ago, she could barely eat a thing and suddenly she’s wanting pulled pork and ice cream, all these things she’s not eaten for months.’

  ‘Well, that’s a good sign, isn’t it?’

  ‘I don’t know. Mitch said his mum perked up before she died and so I keep thinking this is it: this meal she’s eating, this snack, it could be her last. Something could happen so quickly now that she’ll just go and I’ll get no warning. Like now, I shouldn’t be here because what if something happens, but I needed to get out, just for a minute. I needed to see you.’

  ‘Oh, love, I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘There’s nothing you can say. It’s fucking horrible, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.’ I wipe my eyes again, gazing down at Elsie who is now flat out.

  ‘You’ve got the magic touch. That’s all I needed these last few days, you to pop round and sort her out.’

  ‘That’s probably all I’ve needed too. A cuddle. A chance to tell you everything.’

  ‘So why haven’t you ’til now?’

  She passes me my tea and I move to make sure I’m drinking it away from Elsie’s head. ‘I don’t know, time just… disappeared these last few days. And he is being so supportive, but Mitch and I had words the other night; I think it’s brought back stuff for him with his own mum too and he felt that I was putting you first before him.’