The End of the Rainbow

by Dontá Morrison

  Khalil had it all, and in one day it was swept from under his feet. He woke up one morning in heaven and went to sleep in hell. Spencer realized that all that glitters isn’t gold and as beautiful a man as Tyrin is, he would rather be single than go through the bullshit and drama his buddy is going through right now.

  He finished his beer and headed back into the house. As he walked past pictures of himself and Khalil on various outings, the feeling of sadness returned. He stopped at the one taken of all of them as they lounged on a beach in Jamaica. It was a very happy moment in their lives. At that time, Tyrin and Khalil had been together for two years. He and Kerrion were happily single and having a ball flirting with the hotel workers.

  Their friend Jamaal had recently undergone a terrible break-up and was just glad to be out of L.A. Last but not least was Eric, whom had recently found out he was HIV positive. They all chipped in and paid for his entire trip as an expression of their love and support for him. When Jamaal was killed three months later in an automobile accident they thought they would never have to undergo anything that tragic ever again. Now this new turn of events will definitely make more changes in how life will be lived. He turned the picture facedown and headed upstairs to climb into bed alone; but on this night he wasn’t so sad about that fact.

  FIFTEEN

  Thursday morning arrived as usual and Khalil awakened to the melodious sounds of birds chirping in the backyard. He rolled over, looked out the window, and saw a clear blue sky that invited thoughts of summer fun. However, he knew that today would be a day of confirmation and additional life change.

  He got out of bed, went downstairs, and followed the smell of cooked smoked sausage. He entered the kitchen and ventured over to the pot full of grits, pan of biscuits and a plate loaded with sausages. A piece of paper lying in an empty skillet read, “Fry your own eggs.” As he smiled and walked to the fridge to get his eggs, he had the feeling that everything was under control.

  The breakfast stuck to his ribs and he lay across the couch watching Star Jones and her multiracial counterparts host a daytime talk show. He was trying his best to avoid making the phone call to Dr. Kline. He washed dishes, vacuumed the house, thumbed through a few magazines, and even threw on a pair of shorts and jumped into the pool. As the hours moved forward he knew that he couldn’t keep running from the matter at hand. Most people can’t wait to hear the results of their tests, but he knew in his heart that he had already failed this one with flying colors.

  He sat on the edge of the pool, legs circling within the cool water, while the sun heated his back. He finally picked up the cordless phone and nervously stared at Dr. Kline’s business card. As he mustered the courage to dial the number he felt his heart beating in his throat. He was tempted to hang up before anyone could answer but he knew that he had to face the inevitable.

  “Good Morning, Infectious Disease clinic, how may I help you?” the youthful voice sang into his ear.

  “Is Dr. Kline available?” he responded.

  “Whom may I say is calling?”

  “Khalil Alexander.”

  “Please hold.” He sat staring down at the business card like it was a note from a sniper saying, ‘If you look up I will shoot you in the head.’”“Mr. Alexander, I will transfer you now.”

  “Thank you.” He heard his heart beating and the sun was beginning to feel like the hand of Satan rubbing across his back. As beads of sweat began to form on the back of his body, he still didn’t have the common sense to move out of the ultraviolet rays and into a place of shade. His main focus at this moment was getting through this phone call.

  “Mr. Alexander, how are you today?” Dr. Kline asked.

  “I’m fine, considering.”

  “I’m glad to hear that. Well I am assuming that you are calling for the results of your test?”

  “Unfortunately.”

  “It is normal practice for us to give the results of this test in person,” she said.

  “I believe that is only relevant when the test has come back positive,” he stated.

  “Like I said Mr. Alexander, it is normal procedure for us to give the results of this test in person. Now I am asking that you come into my office as soon as possible so that we can review your results together.”

  Her response was all the confirmation that he needed. He closed his watering eyes and took all of what she did not say into consideration. “Dr. Kline, what do I need to do now? How do I go about starting my treatment? I understand what you are saying and I know that you want me present so that you can be sure of the fact that I won’t slip into a depressed state, but I assure you that I have been preparing myself for this information since our last meeting.” He blurted it all out in one long breath in an attempt to keep her from once again saying she couldn’t tell him over the phone.

  She sat silent for a moment and began to speak, “Mr. Alexander, the first step is to get your counts. We need to determine your viral load and white blood cell count. Once that is obtained we will then formulate a regimen of medication designed for your virus level. You will be assigned a Case Manager that will accompany you to all of your office visits and will also be the liaison between yourself and any medical personnel involved in your treatments. We need you to come in as soon as possible to get all of this started.”

  “O.K. how soon can I come in?” his voice sounded like he had just finished a 100-yard sprint. In an effort not to break down on the phone, he held his breath while she explained what needed to be done.

  “I will transfer you back to the receptionist and she will schedule you. Mr. Alexander, it’s all going to be all right, we have made many advances in the treatment of this virus. The key is for you to be strong, not only physically, but mentally as well. You are going to be fine. I promise. Are you listening to me?” she asked.

  “Yes. I am. I’m just taking all of it in. I’m going to make it,” he assured her.

  “OK. Hold on while I transfer you.”

  “OK. Thank you doctor.

  “You’re welcome.”

  The receptionist put him down for an appointment first thing on Monday morning. He was relieved that the call was finally over and he now had confirmation of what he already knew. He looked down at the water in the pool and noticed how calm it was. The peacefulness caused him to reflect on how his life used to be, how simple and undisturbed his days were, but as of late all he was going through was an endless cycle of stormy trials.

  The tears that were now falling from his face had caused ripples in the aqua mirror. The once motionless water was now being stirred by the pain and despair he was feeling. “I’m going to kill him. There is no way in fucking hell that I am going to just sweep this shit under the rug and let him get away with it. I loved him with all that I had in me and I gave until I was empty. I should have fucked around when I had the chance, when I wasn’t full of this nasty ass disease that can kill me! What the fuck do I do know?”

  He got up and began to pace around the pool in an effort to get his plot together. He knew that he would retaliate and had to make sure that he had an airtight plan. Even though he was angry, he also didn’t want to end up in jail. “HIV! How the fuck am I gonna tell people I have HIV?” He was growing even more furious with every thought. The anger was beginning to permeate from his entire being. His entire outlook on life was steadily changing into a vision of gloom and despair. “I have HIV. This has got to be some sort of joke.” He began to chuckle, “I actually have HIV.”

  Then something extremely strange began to happen. Khalil broke out into hysterical laughter. He stood in one spot and just laughed. He had no idea what he was laughing at or why he couldn’t stop the laughter from coming, but it kept coming. “Tyrin actually infected me with HIV. This is such a trip.” But as the laughter began to subside he began to realize that he needed help, he needed a hug, he needed a gun to go and kill the one that has killed him.

  “Oh my God how am I going to tell my mother? This is just the fire she ne
eds to get on her bible Bandwagon and give me a speech from Leviticus. I am not in the right frame of mind to hear that shit right now. God how could you?” He had to pause and realize that he was about to say something that would totally be disrespectful to the one that created him. “Anything but this Lord, there is no cure, no way to stop it. God, anything but this!” he stopped pacing and begin to sob so hard he could barely stand up.

  As his chest ached with each dropping tear, he felt himself crumbling under the pressure of it all. He wanted to find a cave and just hide himself from the criticism and questions that were destined to come when people learned of his fate. “God, this just isn’t fair. I loved him and took care of him like I have never taken care of another person in my life. I didn’t ask to fall in love with a man and I don’t know why this one thing was placed upon me to bear, but I did the best I could with the card I had been dealt.”

  He looked up at the sky in hopes that it would make contacting his creator a little easier. “Can you please tell me what to do because I have no clue whatsoever? I want him dead God. Please kill him for what he did to me, because this just isn’t right!” he stood firm and placed his hands on his hips waiting for some type of sign that his request would be honored. In a stern and frustrated voice he began to yell at the heavens above, “Why the hell are you so quiet?!? Can’t you hear me talking to you?!? Do you see me crying, do you even know that I am infected?!? Talk to me, please. I am scared to death right now and it is not the time for you to turn your back on me!”

  Khalil went and sat back down next to the pool and stuck his legs into the water. He closed his eyes tightly and tuned out every sound except for his voice. In this moment of silence, he recalled everything he knew about conversing with God. He had to return to that place of relationship and enter into His presence with sincerity and humility. After a few moments of reflecting on how he got to this place in life he took a deep breath and began to talk to God. “Lord, I know I am not the best. I know that I have made many mistakes and for that I am sorry. Please forgive me. I know that right now I need your strength, your guidance, and your understanding. This is one of the most trying times of my life and I don’t want to lose my mind in the midst of it. Please grant me the assurance of knowing that all is going to work out for the best. I have a lot of decisions that are before me and I know that without your help I may end up making some wrong ones. Step in and speak to me with a voice that I will understand. I love you Lord. Amen.” He sat there and was willing to sit as long as he needed to. Although he was still dazed by the news and the myriad of circumstances that surrounded it, he knew he couldn’t give up.

  He opened his eyes and looked again up to the sky. This time he was taking in its beauty, serenity, and light. His eyes filled with tears and before he knew it, they were being released on a level that startled him. He didn’t know why he was crying so intensely but he did know that it wasn’t over his recent news. Each passing tear felt like a weight being lifted off of him and he more than welcomed the feeling of rejuvenation.

  In the midst his emotions something happened that hadn’t happened in years, he began to truly worship in a manner that he thought was gone forever. This time alone with God put him in a position that allowed him to talk to someone that would never leave him nor forsake him. For the first time in a long time he actually felt connected, understood, and embraced by his heavenly Father.

  For about an hour, Khalil basked in the presence of God and gave reverence to the one that in spite of how it seemed, has always been there for him. He was amazed at how detached he had become and was ashamed by the fact that it took devastating news to get him to finally worship God again. He apologized to God on so many levels about so many things and he was in a place to finally hear the perfect instructions for his life.

  As it all became clearer to him, he could finally say “yes” to God and mean it. He understood that his running away from God only ran him straight into Him and where he is now is where God has needed him to be for quite some time. In the midst of it all he actually felt peace. Peace about the breakup, peace about Tyrin, and peace about the virus. But he also had lots of fear. Fear of what would happen next; fear of how he would make it without Tyrin; fear of how the virus would affect his body; and fear of how to make it through this season.

  *****

  Vanessa sat at her desk and tried to keep herself occupied with work but her mind was running a mile a minute. The thought of what her child was going through was beginning to become too much for her to bear. She wondered what she could have done differently in his life to avoid this. She knew that the absence of his father would cause some kind of emotional trauma but she never dreamed that her child would be faced with so much grief.

  Although her spirit stood fast on the word of God, her flesh was struggling to deal with all that was happening. Many years ago when Khalil told her of his sexual preference she prayed that it was just a phase; she cried out to God on his behalf, but after so many tears, the Lord told her that it was all going to work out. But what more would he have to endure before he regained his trust in God.

  She waited anxiously for him to call and let her know the results. She fought the urge to call him because she knew it would only irritate him. However, she left at seven this morning and it was now one thirty. She could no longer wait. She picked up the phone and dialed her number. The phone rang three times and right when she was about to hang up she heard his voice say, “Hello”.

  “Khalil?”

  “Hi momma. What’s up?”

  “What are you doing?” she questioned with the sound of confusion.

  “Reading a book.”

  “Reading a book, what book? Did you call the doctor?” she quizzed.

  “Yes. Why do you sound so irritated?”

  “Because you haven’t called me Khalil and I am worried.”

  “Don’t worry momma, I’m fine. Well, I’m going to be fine.”

  ”I’m confused. What are you saying Khalil?”

  “I am HIV positive, but I am going to make it. I am a survivor and I will survive this. I have a funny feeling that this is not the end of me.”

  “Are you O.K?” she asked in a concerned tone.

  “Yes I am,” he softly said.

  “What are you reading?” she said trying to change the subject and give her mind time to absorb his calmness.

  “The Bible. I am trying to get a better understanding for myself on how God feels about homosexuality. I mean I grew up hearing that he destroyed the city of Sodom because of the homosexuals trying to sleep with the angels but that can’t be 100% true. I think it was more going on in that town than a gay pride festival.”

  “O.K.” she replied, trying not to sound too shocked.

  “I mean I always heard from church folks that my lifestyle was wrong in Gods eyes, but I never stopped and decided to get a true biblical understanding for myself. I’m not sure if being gay is right or wrong, especially since I didn’t choose it for myself. I just need to hear from God, so I can be sure of everything. I guess I had to actually have my back pushed against the wall before I would call on His name about it all. I wasted a lot of time trying to do things my way and outsmart Him, but I see now that He got the last laugh.”

  “So what are you saying Khalil? I need clarity.”

  “I don’t really know yet but I do know that whatever I’m saying, I’m going to need your help. I haven’t been involved in church in years, and I’m not even saying that I’m about to seek a wife and all that, but I know that something needs to change in my life. I don’t know how to get back into the swing of things, as far as church is concerned. I really don’t want to go back to your church, no offense, but I have too many unfavorable memories there,” he said trying not to hurt her feelings.

  “I understand. Find a church where you will be comfortable.” Her voice was full of joy and her smile was from ear to ear. She knew that nothing was too impossible for God and even when she felt like giving u
p, God always kept reassuring her that her children were in his hands.

  ”Khalil I am so proud of you. You are going to make it. But I will tell you this; you are going to have to be strong, because now that you have given your life back to God, the enemy is going to be hot on your trail trying to get you back.”

  “I know momma, I know,” he said softly.

  “Are you going to be there when I get home?”

  “I should be. I will have Spencer pick me up later this evening. I don’t know what he is going to say about all of this getting back into church stuff?” He said with nervous laughter.

  “That’s not your problem. If he is your friend he will support you, if he doesn’t then God has something better for you. Listen, I have to get to this meeting, I love you and I will see you tonight.”

  “I love you too momma. Talk to you later.”

  “Bye sweetie.” Vanessa hung up the phone and jumped up from her desk and paced around the office waving her hands, giving God praise. As the tears of joy streamed down her face, she couldn’t help but fall on her knees in reverence because He is a God that is faithful to His word. Her afternoon client would have to wait, because she was in a meeting with the true owner of the company.

  SIXTEEN

  “So let me get this straight. You tried to end your life because you think you can’t make it without a dude? Come on cousin, you have got to be stronger than that,” Craig said.

  The two of them walked down the hospital corridor toward the elevator. Tyrin had been released and his faithful sidekick was there in a heartbeat to pick him up. He was embarrassed by the fact that he had allowed himself fall into a pit of depression, but with all he was up against, it seemed inevitable.

  As he walked past the nurses’ station he wondered how many of them knew why he was admitted. One thing he always prided himself on was his ability to overcome any obstacle, but at present he felt like a total failure. “Khalil is more than just a dude to me. He’s my soul mate. And it’s more than just losing Khalil; I have a lot on my plate right now. The loss of both my relationship and my health is a lot to deal with at once. I just need time to sort things out,” he softly said.