The Chairman's Toys

by Graham Reed

  Mickey had a vacant, puzzled expression on his face, as if he was unable to grasp what was happening. A second later, he gave an involuntary shudder and his gaze came back into focus. Mickey opened his mouth to speak at the same moment The Norwegian sighed. The trenchcoat complained audibly as his shoulders dropped within it. The Norwegian gave me the nod. “When can you introduce us?”

  I grinned at Wendy, my scalp tingling with sweat. “One down, one to go,” I whispered to her, right before the super spies burst through the front door.

  Chapter Fifty-four

  Agents Wang and Chung picked a bad time to crash the party, but I didn’t blame them. I saved that sentiment for the stuffed shirt behind them.

  “Time’s up, Constable,” Li Wei hissed, elbowing through the increasingly crowded room. His eyes darted around the room and its occupants suspiciously.

  “Who the hell are these guys?” thundered The Norwegian.

  “We are from the Chinese Ministry of Public Security and we are here for that man.” Agent Wang pointed at Mickey Wu. “This doesn’t concern the rest of you,” he added hastily, gawking up at The Norwegian.

  Agent Chung was similarly distracted by the living manifestation of Dimmu Borgir. Li Wei couldn’t see much of anything since he had scuttled back behind the agents after catching sight of The Norwegian. Dante stared at the three of them, dumbfounded by their arrival, while Wendy and I silently exchanged a “now what?” look.

  Which was why none of us noticed the pistol in Mickey Wu’s hand until Richard shouted, “Gun!”

  Mickey Wu was trembling with rage as he waved the Glock around like a water diviner with sunstroke. First he aimed at the super spies, then me, then at Li Wei when he peeked out from behind Agent Chung. Finally he zeroed in on Richard and Dante when Li Wei ducked back.

  A slow-motion dance ensued. Those of us not locked to cinder blocks began slowly edging away from Mickey Wu. When he noticed and brought the gun around, we froze and the previous target began to move.

  Only Wendy and The Norwegian stood their ground. Probably because Mickey Wu had thus far exhibited sufficient good sense not to aim the gun anywhere near The Norwegian. Wendy had cleverly taken refuge in the safe harbour that was his leeward side. It’s been said that no man is an island, but The Norwegian was about as close as they come.

  “Wow, Jake, you totally called it,” she whispered. “He’s definitely freaking out.”

  Agent Wang raised his hands in a placating manner. “Put the gun down and let Mr. Constable and his friends go, Mr. Wu. Then we can talk about your situation.”

  His request was well intentioned, and I appreciated it, but it lacked the desired effect.

  The Glock settled on a target. “This is your doing, Constable?” Mickey spat.

  I kept my eyes on Mickey Wu but I could feel the weight of The Norwegian’s incredulous glare on me as well. “You brought in the cops?”

  Allegiances were crumbling rapidly. I defended myself as best I could. “Not cops. Secret agents. And the guy hiding behind them is your new business partner. Allow me to introduce you to Li Wei.” I spread my hands in what I hoped was a cross-cultural gesture of camaraderie.

  At the mention of his name, Li Wei’s face popped back into view with an alarmed expression. His uncomprehending eyes locked on The Norwegian, who grinned and gave him a friendly wave.

  “You’ve ruined my life!” Mickey’s voice was shrill. His knuckles were white on the handle of the Glock as he waved his arms wildly in the air, in the grips of a full-blown tantrum. A savage kick sent one of the lawn chairs spinning in my direction. “Do you even know what you’ve done? By giving these men the…”

  “Address!” I yelped, cutting him off. “Yes, Mickey, I know—I led the Ministry right to you by giving them this address. And now you and you alone will have to deal with them.” I tore my eyes from the pistol and made eye contact with Mickey, attempting to give him a meaningful look but hampered by the fact that I was on the verge of doing a little freaking out of my own. Mickey had clearly blown a fuse. He was done dealing in subtleties for the day. One of his eyes was twitching a Morse code message of pure hatred. From the back of his throat came the strange, staccato soundtrack of cognitive gears grinding.

  His shoulders slumped and his hands dropped to his sides. Encouraged, I raised my hands and my eyebrows, hoping to amplify my telepathic message that I hadn’t given them the documents on his daughter.

  Mickey smiled at me. Then he raised the Glock.

  Wendy’s arm shot out with super ninja speed so I almost missed the little black stun gun in her hand as it darted beneath The Norwegian’s leather coat. A split second later she was knocked off her feet, flying across the room as he erupted in a volcanic convulsion. The rest of us cringed as The Norwegian performed a berserker jig, howling as his limbs flailed spasmodically. An arm with the girth and weight of a well-fed anaconda shot out, taking Mickey Wu across the jaw.

  Mickey dropped like a bag of wet cement. The Glock fired as he hit the ground.

  I dove past The Norwegian, narrowly dodging a knee the size of a bowling ball, and piled onto Mickey Wu. I wedged a forearm up under his chin to cut off the airflow, just like Thaddeus had taught me. “Don’t even think about moving,” I growled.

  “Uh, Jake, I think he’s already unconscious,” Richard whispered as the room grew quiet.

  The Norwegian was bent over with his hands on his knees, his breathing coming hard and fast. “What the fuck, lady?” he groaned.

  “Sorry, big fella,” Wendy said as Agent Chung helped her to her feet. “Someone had to take Mickey Wu out before he shot Jake.”

  Li Wei lay on the floor, moaning as blood leaked out of a hole in the toe of one of his shiny black shoes.

  Richard rattled his handcuffs. “Where are the keys?” His tone so agitated that even The Norwegian took notice. Dante quivered beside him, blinking rapidly. He looked ready to bolt for the door hauling the pile of cinder blocks behind him.

  The Norwegian prodded Mickey Wu’s inert form with a size-fourteen boot. “Check his pockets.”

  Having learned from past mistakes, I knew enough to start my search with the jacket. Nothing. Cursing the current svelte fashions yet again, I unceremoniously jammed my hands down into Mickey Wu’s pants pockets and was rewarded with the keys, a black comb, and ninety dollars in cash. After a brief hesitation, I jammed the comb back into his pants.

  “Lunch is on Mickey Wu,” I announced. After everything he put us all through, I figured it was the least he could do.

  The Norwegian blocked my way when I started toward Richard and Dante to unlock them. “Hold on, Constable. Where do you think you’re going?”

  I gave my friends an enquiring look. “The Elbow Room?”

  They nodded. When The Norwegian didn’t budge, I jangled the keys in my hand impatiently. “Preferably before the cops show up to find out if the 911 call about a shot being fired was for real.”

  He considered this for a moment before moving out of my way. “Everyone get the hell out of my house right now!”

  “May we?” Agent Chung inquired timidly, pointing at Mickey Wu, still sprawled out cold in a puddle of his own drool.

  “Go ahead,” The Norwegian sighed. “He’s no damn good to me now.”

  Agent Wang was tending to Li Wei so Agent Chung tried to drag Mickey Wu toward the door by himself.

  After watching him sympathetically for a moment, Wendy stepped forward. “Can I help?”

  Agent Chung gestured toward Mickey Wu’s feet but Wendy shook her head and motioned for him to step back. When he had, she gave Mickey Wu a quick prod, causing him to briefly do the worm before sitting up and looking around in confusion. Wendy grinned and blew on the end of her stun gun before sliding it back into her pocket.

  As she was helping Dante and Richard toward the door, I pulled Agent Wang aside. “Is
Li Wei going to be okay?”

  He nodded. “Two toes are gone, and the shoe is ruined. But he will be fine.”

  “At least he got his foot in the door with Operation Fox Hunt.”

  Agent Wang flashed me a wry smile.

  “Or maybe he really put his foot in it this time.” I handed Agent Wang the newly minted contract between Blue Coast Realty and Dimmu Borgir, Inc. “Can you give this to him when he’s, you know…?”

  “Back on his feet?”

  I grinned. “You should read that contract over as well,” I added as I walked out the door.

  Chapter Fifty-five

  The following night, all my troubles seemed a world away. I lounged on a rooftop deck with Richard and Dante, admiring the warp and glow of the city lights reflecting off the waters of English Bay.

  “This is more like it,” Dante sighed, sipping his mojito. The bruise on his face had already dulled to a subtle mocha that blended nicely with his permatan, and I was pretty sure he was wearing a new shirt.

  “Yeah, thanks for having us over, Jake.” Richard rubbed his clean-shaven jaw with satisfaction.

  I waved away the gratitude. “Least I could do after making you guys put up with The Norwegian’s hospitality.”

  “True,” said Richard.

  “Hold on now, that wasn’t entirely Jake’s fault,” Dante said.

  “Also true,” Richard agreed. “I told you not to make fun of The Norwegian’s coat but did you listen?”

  Dante shrugged helplessly. “Have you taken a good look at that thing?”

  “Still,” Richard chided, turning to me. “But you finally managed to make your peace with that beast, right? He’s not mad at us anymore?”

  “I hope not.”

  Vinyl creaked as Richard sat upright in his chaise lounge. “What does that mean? I thought you made all his wildest real estate dreams come true when you hooked him up with Nina’s uncle.”

  “I did.”

  “So what happened?”

  “I got Li Wei arrested.” Distant sirens disturbed the silence that followed.

  “You got Nina’s uncle arrested?” Dante asked at last, possibly with a hint of admiration in his voice.

  “Yup.”

  Richard put his drink down carefully. “For what?”

  “Economic corruption.”

  Dante snorted. “Is there any other kind?”

  “Corruption of the flesh. Corruption of minors. Police corruption. Political corruption,” Richard recited, his face illuminated by the glow of his phone.

  “I didn’t even know economic corruption was a crime,” Dante continued, cutting Richard off. “I thought it was just called doing business.”

  “Rrrowrr,” Richard whispered to him.

  I grinned, swirling the ice around in my glass. “The Chinese government begs to differ.”

  Richard gaped. “The Chinese government?”

  I nodded.

  “You got him arrested in China?” Now there was no question about it. Dante’s tone was infused with admiration.

  “I believe Agents Wang and Chung may have taken him into custody while he was still enjoying the amenities of China Airlines’ first-class cabin. But, yes, he’ll be facing charges back home. Along with his newly minted business partner, Mickey Wu.” I paused, mostly for effect. “Because of him, actually.”

  Richard closed his eyes and raised his hands like a mime trapped in a box. “Back the tuk-tuk up a minute. I thought Li Wei came over here for the express purpose of getting Mickey Wu arrested. Since when were they partners?”

  “Since The Norwegian signed that contract I gave him while I was saving your asses. He and Nina entered into it on behalf of their companies, Blue Coast Realty and Dimmu Borgir, Inc. Which Li Wei and Mickey Wu are co-owners of, respectively.” I struggled unsuccessfully to suppress an errant grin.

  “So Nina used to be partnered up with her very wealthy, totally connected uncle?” Dante asked.

  I nodded.

  “But now, thanks to you, Li Wei has been arrested for colluding with a thong salesman?” Richard asked.

  I held up a finger. “And opium-smuggler. Yes.”

  “And her new partner, again thanks to you, is a Norwegian berserker, whose only known business connections are said thong salesman, and, well…you?” Richard’s face radiated awe. And pride. I basked in it before correcting him.

  “The Norwegian assures me he’s not a berserker anymore. Just a property-developer.”

  Dante raised a finger of his own. “In a positively medieval leather trench coat.”

  “How does Nina feel about you getting her uncle arrested?” Richard asked cautiously.

  “She’s pretty mad.”

  “Forget Nina,” said Dante. “How does The Norwegian feel about it? Wasn’t Li Wei a major sweetener in the contract with Nina’s agency?”

  “Yeah, I don’t think he’s too happy about it, either. But the deal still stands, and Nina’s not going anywhere. She’s a Canadian citizen, so Operation Fox Hunt is no threat to her.” I shrugged. “Nina may not have all Li Wei’s connections back in China, but she’s still a top realtor in this town with a big-money clientele.”

  Dante shook his head slowly, his lips pursed thoughtfully. “Nina and The Norwegian, wow. Do you think they will work out?”

  I paused, not having thought about all that until this moment. “They’re both intelligent, ambitious people with shared passions for real estate and sales and marketing. Who knows? Maybe they’ll end up making beautiful condos together.”

  Dante’s phone chirped. He read the incoming text and stood up. “Wendy’s downstairs. “I’ll go let her in.”

  “So,” Richard said after Dante left.

  “So?”

  “I guess that’ll finally be it for you and Nina.”

  I consulted my glass of bourbon for a moment. “It was over a long time ago.”

  Richard reached over and squeezed my forearm. “Duh.”

  We sat in silence until Dante returned with Wendy in tow. I was surprised to see that she had arrived alone. “Where’s Barb? You told her she was invited, didn’t you? Only as your ‘+1’ of course, but she should be here, since she did play a minor role in our rescue mission.”

  Wendy gave me a disappointingly eager smile. “She’ll be here soon.”

  I nodded without enthusiasm.

  “She just had to pick up her date,” she added.

  My mouth hung open, waiting patiently for my brain to come up with the proper response. “Date?”

  Wendy nodded slowly, her face betraying no emotion.

  “And you’re…okay with that?”

  She continued to nod slowly. “I really am.”

  I did a visual check on Richard and Dante to see if this was making sense to them, but they were busy examining each other’s cuticles.

  Wendy broke the silence. “So are you going to offer a lady a drink?”

  By the time I returned with another mojito, Dante had Wendy over his shoulder, growling with mock ferocity as he threatened retribution because she had swatted his precisely styled man-bun askew.

  “Aren’t you going to defend her from my brutish squeeze?” Richard teased as he helped himself to Wendy’s mojito.

  “Since when does the master need protection from her student?” I retorted.

  Dante chortled. “Master? Wendy? I taught her everything she knows about Tae Bo, and Tae Bo is life! I am the master!”

  Wendy squealed as he spun around with her, digging his fingers into her ribs.

  I dropped back into my chair. “You going to take that from him? Come on, Wendy, show us your ninja moves.”

  “Ooooh, sounds scary.” Dante put Wendy down and started dancing around her, randomly freezing in poses, some borrowed from Ralph Macchio, others from Madon
na.

  I felt retroactively relieved that I brought Wendy to rescue Dante, and not the other way around. “Is that all she taught you?”

  “You can’t teach this kind of stuff, Constable. It comes from within,” Dante replied before dropping into Richard’s lap.

  Wendy avoided my eye as she drained her mojito. “Great view from up here.”

  I glanced back at Dante. “Seriously, though. Didn’t Wendy teach you jujutsu? Isn’t that how you two met?”

  Dante looked puzzled but Richard burst out laughing. “Jujutsu? These two creampuffs? As if!”

  Dante pinched Richard. “I’m plenty tough, bitch!” He smiled patronizingly at me. “But I’m no ninja, Jake. Sorry to put a crimp in your fantasy life. Wendy and I met when we were both working in the nutritional supplements department of Whole Foods.”

  “Wendy, what the…?” I looked over just as her phone began moaning the first few saxophone notes from Tom Waits’ “Way Down in the Hole.”

  She held up a finger and answered the call. “Barb’s here,” she announced. “I’ll go let her in.” Wendy turned, knocking over a deck chair as she darted back into the condo.

  “So you’ve got a thing for ninjas.” Dante grinned as he climbed off of Richard and picked up the chair. “I never would’ve guessed.”

  Rather than answer him, I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity as yet another childhood fantasy turned to dust. Time to start shopping for a new sidekick.

  Richard disappeared into the condo and returned with the bottle of Woodford Reserve. “Freshen your drink?” He filled my glass to the brim without waiting for an answer.

  “Uh, thanks.”

  Richard clinked his glass off of mine. “Bottoms up.”

  I raised the glass to my mouth but most of it ended up on my lap when I heard Barb’s date say, “Hello, son.”

  Chapter Fifty-six