Finn cocked his head. “You’ve had a lot of stuff happen to you in the past couple years. That changes a person.” He looked down at their empty burger wrappers and empty tray of fries and mumbled quietly, “Maybe it made you do things you might regret.”
Harper heard every word of that last sentence and knew exactly what he was trying to hint at. Finn had once again tried to break down the wall she had built for herself. But the fortress surrounding her had always been difficult to penetrate, even when she was younger.
Harper had always been somewhat of an enigma, even to herself at times. Her popularity in high school was of absolutely no help in curing the irreparable damage her grade school years had inflicted. Tomboyish, shy, and a little on the chubby side, her nine-year-old self often found its way back into her psyche no matter how many years had passed. And no matter how much positive reinforcement and validation had been thrown her way, the feelings persisted. In the simplest of terms, Harper was now a pretty girl–thin, athletic and toned. But those three years of relentless teasing between ages nine and twelve never quite disappeared, and would occasionally rear its ugly head. Though she started developing rather young at the age of ten, it took some time for the rest of her body to catch up before she could confidently flaunt her assets. Once the weight fell off and her clothes got cuter, her awkward self was all but forgotten by everyone except her. Though physically she had changed, her shyness still ruled her, making it hard for her to believe she deserved anything better than what she already had. It also made it fairly difficult for anyone to be let in. Kiley was pretty much the only one who was able to break down that barrier, and occasionally Emily to some extent. Not even her parents knew what was really inside of her, which Harper thought was probably for their own good. That’s not to say she wasn’t a joy to be around. She was guarded, yet personable. Private, yet friendly. Shy, but an absolute riot once you got to know her. She was even voted “funniest” in her senior class, most likely due to her biting wit and constant sarcasm. Despite all that, Harper had always been a tough one to figure out. She knew a lot of that had to do with the fact that she was truly afraid of what she really wanted. This was the case in all aspects of her life, but particularly in her career and her love life. Harper never let the fact that she was afraid to go after what she wanted bring her down, but that’s why she kept so active and often took her frustration out in physical activity. She spent her entire life doing what everyone else wanted her to do — a notion she got used to, so it was a daily routine for her.
Her prototypical life and experiences growing up were simply a mask hiding the real Harper, and she was terrified of revealing too much. Lately, she had been feeling more and more restless about the fact that throughout her life she had never done anything for herself. Though she missed them every day, the farther removed she became from the memory of her parents and living under their rules and trying to meet their expectations, the freer she felt to make changes. Granted, she didn’t dare venture out into anything on her own accord just yet, but she was getting to the breaking point. The fact that it seemed more and more likely that Emily was never coming back somehow lit a fire under her to start over and start living her life on her own terms.
Harper looked across at the remnants of her old and “safe” life. She didn’t have the patience to get into whatever Finn was trying to bring up, so she grabbed her purse and slid out of the booth.
“Thanks for meeting me. I know it’s late…or early. But thanks.” She paused briefly next to his side of the booth and started to lean in, but then she immediately pulled back. “I should go. I’ll talk to you later.”
Finn was left sitting in the booth, knowing he’d spend the next few days over-analyzing the conversation they just had. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and started dialing.
“Hello?”
“Seth? Hey! I can barely hear you!” yelled Finn.
“Finn! What’s up man? Yeah, I’m at this party at Monica’s. You should come over! It’s still going on.”
“I don’t know, man. I’m exhausted. I just met up with Harper.” Finn got up out of the booth, covered his free ear with his hand and walked outside.
“Are you serious? What did I tell you about that? Stay away!”
“I know, but she really wanted to talk.”
“Who cares, man? You need to seriously stop pining over her.”
“I don’t know. I think she might—”
“She won’t! It’s not gonna happen! Dude, why do you have to be such a woman about this?! You’re probably going over every single word she said to you and trying to figure out what it all means, aren’t you?”
Finn was silent.
“Dude! Stop being such a wuss! You know I like Harper, but come on. She’s over it. You should be, too! Now come over! I’ll text you the address.”
“Okay. I’ll think about it.”
“Liar,” replied Seth. “Whatever. Call me later.”
Finn hung up the phone and walked to his car, knowing full well he was going to get an angry phone call from Seth the next day asking him why he didn’t go. But he figured he’d deal with that tomorrow.
***
A few days later, Finn made his way through the long corridor on the fifth floor of the office building, looking for the right suite number. He tried to control his nerves as he was getting closer to approaching his destination. He tried to forget about the fact that he hadn’t heard from Harper since that night at In ‘n’ Out. He had bigger things to focus on and more important things to ponder; the first being: what the hell was he doing here? He found the correct number and reluctantly opened the door and stepped into the waiting room. His heart began to pound as he was greeted by an overly cheerful woman behind a desk.
“Come on in, honey. Sign in here and then have a seat. Dr. Harris will be with you in a moment.”
Finn smiled uncomfortably and tentatively walked up to the desk to sign in, then took a seat next to the magazine rack. There weren’t many magazines to choose from. He was hoping for Sports Illustrated, but since there weren’t any, he settled on last month’s issue of Glamour. He flipped through the pages and perused the contents, hoping he’d find something that would hold his interest. Unfortunately, all he got was a dizzy sensation from the aroma of the nine different perfume samples inserted inside the pages of the magazine. When his eyes began to water from the combined scents, he closed the magazine and plopped it down on the side table next to his chair. Before he could recover from Calvin Klein and Hilfiger overload, the office door opened up and a brunette woman in her early forties stood in the doorway. She adjusted the collar on her white blouse and then proceeded to wipe some crumbs away from her gray pencil skirt.
“Finn Lewis?”
Finn was caught in somewhat of a trance. He hadn’t met her before and he only had a name to go on, but he definitely didn’t expect her to look like this. He wasn’t really sure what he expected.
“Yeah. That’s me.”
She smiled sweetly and gestured. “Come on in.”
Finn got up and followed her into her office. She closed the door behind them and gestured for him to sit down on the couch across from her oversized beige chair. He took a seat in the middle of the couch and brought his left foot up to rest over his right thigh. He carefully examined the woman in front of him, who was making notes on her clipboard. To anyone else, she would likely be considered rather nondescript looking. Her hair was pulled back in a clip, her reading glasses were resting on the edge of her nose, and her white Keds didn’t exactly match the rest of her outfit. She looked up and noticed Finn gawking at her shoes.
“My heel broke going up the stairs this morning. I always keep an extra pair of shoes in the office, just in case. Besides, they’re ten times more comfortable.”
Finn nodded. “Oh.”
“…just in case you were wondering.” She took a moment to study her new patient, then reached her hand out to him. “
I’m Dr. Susan Harris, by the way. It’s nice to meet you.”
Finn shook her hand. “It’s nice to meet you, too.”
Dr. Harris leaned back into her seat and placed the clipboard on her lap. “So, let’s talk.”
Finn swallowed hard. “Okay.”
Silence enveloped them. Finn was debating on what to say and Dr. Harris was simply waiting for a response.
“Should I just…say something?” asked Finn.
“If you want. It’s your hour.”
Finn nodded. He looked down and noticed a piece of lint suck to his jeans. The only sound that filled the room at that moment was the sound of his fingernail scraping against the material of his pants, trying to remove the lint. Once it was gone, he wiped the rest of that area of the denim, then folded his arms across his chest.
Dr. Harris gave him a little push. “Why don’t you start with the reason you made this appointment?”
Finn took a deep breath. He was unable to bring himself to look directly at her, so he focused on the silver doorknob attached to the door. “Well…I’ve been kinda down for the past couple months.”
“And why’s that?”
He shrugged. “I guess it stems from a breakup I had. Two months ago.”
“So it’s still pretty fresh.”
“Yeah.”
“How long were you two together?”
“Four years.”
Dr. Harris nodded. “Well that can’t be easy.”
Finn subtly rolled his eyes. He was afraid of this. He had a feeling if he saw a psychiatrist, this is all they would do—just state the obvious. Now he was just waiting for the cliché question of ‘how does that make you feel.’
“No, it’s not easy,” replied Finn.
“And does this person know how much you’re hurting?”
This person, thought Finn. So she thinks I’m gay. That’s just great. “I’m pretty sure she does,” said Finn, slightly emphasizing the “she.”
“And how does that make you feel?” asked Dr. Harris.
Finn shot her a look.
“I’m kidding,” laughed Dr. Harris. “I was just getting it out of the way.” She leaned forward. “You can relax, you know. I know it’s going to take some time getting used to talking about your issues with a complete stranger, but the defensiveness will eventually fade away if you allow it to. I’m just here to provide an unbiased outlook and help you to answer the questions that need to be answered.”
“Like why she left me?” asked Finn.
Dr. Harris shook her head. “Like why you’re asking questions like ‘Why did she leave me?’ instead of focusing on yourself and helping to uncover ways for you to never feel like this again.”
Finn opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
“So why don’t you tell me what happened.”
Finn took a deep breath. “That might take a while.”
Dr. Harris looked at her watch. “You still have forty-three minutes.”
***
Finn awoke in the middle of the night and took a moment to remember exactly where he was. It was 4:00 am and the gas-fueled fireplace against the wall was still roaring, allowing just enough light for his eyes to easily adjust to the darkness. The only sound he could hear was the crackling of the fire. He tried to get a sense of a presence next to him, but knew it was no use. He was getting used to waking up alone. It’s been a more frequent happening since the insomnia started.
He brought Harper to this cabin in Big Bear in order to cheer her up. It had been a year and a half since her life had completely fallen apart and he just wanted to take her somewhere to get away from it all–just the two of them. With Christmas coming up, he didn’t want her to be sad thinking about everything that’s gone wrong. Things had been somewhat lacking between them lately. Finn figured now was a good time to try and rekindle the remaining embers of their once-flourishing relationship. It wasn’t easy. Harper had never been one to fully open up to anyone, so he was used to prying information out of her. But recently, she hadn’t been offering anything other than “I’m fine. I promise” and “Everything’s great. I’m just out of it from being so tired.” Finn wasn’t buying it, but he decided to let her sell it for the time being.
The ride up here was excruciatingly silent. The radio was their one saving grace. Every now and then when a song came on that they both loved, they’d turn it into a duet with Harper providing the harmonies. It was a glimpse of how things used to be.
Once his eyes fully adjusted to the dim light of the fireplace, he spotted Harper’s silhouette out on the balcony. When he got out of bed and slid the glass door open, he was met with an icy wind, chilling him to the bone. He folded his arms and immediately started shivering.
“What are you doing out here?”
Harper whirled around, startled. “Just getting some fresh air.”
“It’s fifteen degrees out.”
“Go put on a shirt. You must be freezing.”
“Well, I WAS in a warm bed. Come join me. Now that I’m wide awake too, we can keep each other company,” suggested Finn.
Harper looked back out into the vastness of the early morning. “It’s peaceful out here.”
“It’s warm in here.” He stood in the doorway and watched as the moonlight reflected off the diamond on her left hand. He put it there nearly two years ago and couldn’t help but notice its brilliance slowly fading every day.
Finn braved the cold and stepped out onto the balcony in his bare feet. He wrapped his arms around Harper and gazed out at the sky with her, hoping to find exactly what was so intriguing to her. He gave up and turned his focus on what was most intriguing to HIM at the moment. He tugged at the collar of her robe to reveal the soft, porcelain skin underneath which was immediately covered in goose bumps the moment it came into contact with the cold air. Finn gently kissed her neck and then rested his chin on her shoulder.
“Come to bed with me,” he pleaded.
Harper didn’t answer.
Finn turned her around to face him, then leaned in to kiss her.
“Please,” he whispered almost inaudibly.
More silence.
“Harper, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Harper smiled, but Finn could see the vacancy in her eyes. “You’re right. It’s freezing out here. Let’s go in.”
***
“So…you two were engaged,” stated Dr. Harris.
Finn nodded.
“And she called off your wedding?”
Finn nodded again. “A week before we were supposed to get married.”
“Wow. Well I can understand why this has been so difficult for you.”
Finn glanced at Dr. Harris. “So, how do I get over this?”
“Time,” replied Dr. Harris. “And money.”
“Money?”
“Unless your insurance covers this,” joked Dr. Harris.
Finn laughed. It was the first genuine laughter he’s had in the past two months. “Yeah, I’m covered.”
“Good, so then I’ll see you next week?”
“Is that your way of sucking in patients?”
“Of course. How can you say no to that?”
“I can’t. You got me. I’m beat.”
CHAPTER 6
Harper tried to keep her breathing even as her legs were working overtime trying to make it up the hill. Her sprint had slowly turned into a light jog as the hill became steeper. Though she was enjoying the scenery of the nature in front of her and the million dollar houses below, she was in the zone and completely focused on her goal of reaching the top. Her focus was broken when she heard an out-of-breath straggler trying to catch up with her. Harper turned around and started jogging backwards.
“You’re breathing like a Wookie,” remarked Harper.
Kiley, out of breath, didn’t have the energy for a clever comeback. “Oh God, can you please not use your nerdy ‘Star Wars’ refer
ences right now?” She struggled to catch her breath.
Harper continued jogging backwards, relishing in her friend’s lack of energy. “Uh…you understood the reference, so obviously you’ve got a little bit of force within you.”
“Please stop with the ‘Star Wars’ puns,” begged Kiley. She could swear she was about to cough up a lung.
“And I believe when I first showed you the movies, you were the one who was pleading with me to show you ‘Return of the Jedi’ right after ‘Empire Strikes Back,’” reminded Harper.
Kiley took a swig of water from her bottle and spit it out, trying to control her coughing fit. “Is it my fault they left me wanting to know what happened to Han? Besides, I wanted to see more of Lando. He was just uber cool.”
Harper turned around and continued jogging up the hill.
“Okay, I’m gonna need a break,” pleaded Kiley.
“We’re almost at the top. Come on!” Harper felt her feet start to move quicker as she picked up her speed. Kiley, who’s breathing was now resembling that of a smoking asthmatic, felt her legs starting to give out from under her and she started coughing uncontrollably.
“Just to let you know, I am literally eating your dust right now. If you were anything of a friend, you would show at least a tiny bit of concern.”
Harper stopped and turned around to find her friend bent over with her hands on her knees, spitting her excess phlegm out onto the dirt.
“Wow. You truly have never been sexier,” remarked Harper.
Kiley smiled, too tired to think of a worthy comeback. “Um…suck it?”
“No thanks. I’m good.”
Kiley was slowly beginning to recover. She stood up and started walking. “Are you now? Is that what Finn would tell me if I asked him?”
Harper relented and slowed her pace so she could walk next to the taller girl. “Please don’t talk to Finn. Or about him.”
“I wouldn’t dream of such a thing,” informed Kiley. “But…if I were to ask him, what would he say?”
A Fine Mess Page 4