“He’d say mind your own damn business. And you have stupid hair.”
Kiley lightheartedly pushed Harper. “He would never say that about my hair.”
Harper smiled. “Seriously, though. I told you before, I’ve never had any complaints. From him or anybody else.”
“I know, I know. You should get more practice though. I mean before Finn it was just those three other guys, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, maybe it’s time you start getting back out there. I mean, how long has it been?”
“A few months.”
“That’s tragic,” replied Kiley.
“Uh…that’s normal. Just because your libido is off the charts doesn’t mean it’s the same for me.”
“Sure it does. We all have that instinct inside us. Some are just more in tune with it than others. I’m sure you and Finn went at it like crazy when you first got together.”
Harper started picking up her speed, not knowing whether it was due to the nature of their conversation or the fact that she just wanted to reach the top already. “I guess. Maybe.”
“You guess? You told me—”
“I may have exaggerated. I mean, it was a lot. Just maybe not as often as I let on.”
Kiley turned her focus to the trail in front of her trying to control her breathing. “Oh. Why?”
“I don’t know. I just felt like I had to keep up, or something.”
“So you lied like a guy in a high school locker room?” Each word bore a sharp staccato sound with every breath she took.
“I embellished,” replied Harper as she turned her power walk into a light jog.
“Why?” Kiley kept up with Harper’s pace, determined to get an answer.
Harper kept silent as her jog turned into a sprint in the final stretch of their excursion. Kiley understood Harper’s need to finish strong. There was no distracting her friend when she got that ‘go big or go home’ mentality. The girls pushed their legs up the hill as hard as they could, working up a sweat and kicking dust behind them. Finally, they reached the top and their panting soon subsided once they took in the view of the city below them. Twilight was setting in as the last glimpse of the sun disappeared behind the hills. Harper stood there, looking out on Los Angeles, feeling relieved to be away from the city lights for a while, but enjoying seeing them light up from afar like stars. She thought about Kiley’s question and had no idea how she would explain her answer. Harper could feel her face getting warmer and turning red, and it wasn’t from all the exercise. Once the redness reached her ears, she tried to hide it by turning away and looking down at the trail they’ve just completed.
Kiley couldn’t be fooled. She immediately took notice of Harper’s now-fuchsia face. “Oh, my God. Are you blushing?”
Harper continued to look away. “I don’t know.”
“You totally are. Come on, Harper. It’s not that big a deal.”
“I know it’s not! You know me. I turn red if someone compliments the shirt I’m wearing. And turn to full-fledged purple if I hit a wrong note when I’m performing.”
“Well you don’t have to be embarrassed about this. It’s just sex.”
“To you, maybe.”
Kiley took Harper’s comment to heart. She knew how different they were and how sensitive Harper was. Kiley had been on her own for a while now. Much longer than Harper had been. They were raised differently with diverse values and views on certain aspects of life. Kiley sometimes envied Harper for her naivety.
Harper took a seat on a nearby rock and gazed out at the glowing lights scene below them. Kiley sat down next to her and waited for her friend so speak, knowing she obviously had something on her mind. They were silent for a few moments until Harper was ready.
“I used to cry every night…after Finn and I had sex.”
Kiley looked at her friend, concerned. “What?”
“Not at first. But in the last few months of our relationship, I would just cry.” Harper started kicking the dirt at her feet. “He never saw me. I never let him see me. I knew it would upset him. But I’d go into the bathroom and I would cry. And I had no idea why. I still don’t, really. I just knew something obviously wasn’t right.”
“Is that why you called off the wedding?” Kiley wasn’t exactly sure how to react to this revelation. She had always known something wasn’t quite right between Harper and Finn, but always chalked it up to her own lack of relationship experience or perhaps even a little bit of jealousy. Who was she to say what was normal in a relationship?
“I don’t know. Maybe. I mean, there were other contributing factors. But I just knew that wasn’t a good sign.”
Kiley nodded, not really knowing what to say. There had been times she cried after sex, too, but for very different reasons and not with someone she really cared about. It was more due to self-loathing than anything. “I wish you would have told me.”
“Why? So you’d know what a freak I am?”
“Oh please. You know you’re not a freak. Don’t even say that.”
“Well then what’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing. Nothing at all. Things change, people change. You grow up, you grow apart.”
“I really hurt him.”
“He’ll get over it. He’s a guy. You’d be surprised at how emotionally disconnected they can become.”
Harper rested her hands behind her on the rock, leaned back, and stretched out her legs. “Apparently I have that same ability.”
“What do you mean?” asked Kiley.
Harper looked up and spotted the first star appearing in the night sky above her, watching as it flickered, fading and turning bright again. For a moment, she felt at peace. It was the simple things in life that satisfied Harper. Sitting at the top of this hill, taking in a breathtaking view, sharing her innermost thoughts with the person she trusts the most, sitting in silence when words weren’t necessary…these factors were all adding up to be one of her most treasured moments in life. She couldn’t help but think that there was a beautiful song somewhere in this moment.
Harper sighed as she relinquished the inhibitions of her thoughts. “I didn’t feel anything.”
“What?” Kiley patiently asked, knowing there were no shortages of cryptic non-sequiturs in conversations with her best friend.
“I didn’t really feel anything. When Finn proposed. I didn’t cry when it happened. Everyone I know who’s ever been proposed to has cried. I didn’t. I just sorta said yes. And that was it.”
Kiley noticed how dirty her shins were from the run and started wiping the dirt off with her hands. “Did you want to say yes?”
“I don’t know. I think so.”
“So you felt nothing at all?”
“Shocked…sorta blindsided, I guess.”
“Well, he did it in kind of a cheesy way. Christmas morning? With your family there? I mean, your parents knew about it before you did!”
“I know. But it was sweet.”
“Yeah, sweet. But not the way you would have wanted it, right?”
“Yeah. How did you know?” asked Harper.
Kiley finished wiping off the rest of the dust from her legs. “Because I know you. When you told me he proposed and how he did it, I oohed and awed because that’s what a best friend does. But I had a feeling you wanted to be excited but were just…”
“…going through the motions.”
“Yeah,” agreed Kiley. She looked at her friend and gave her a friendly nudge in the arm with her elbow. “There’s nothing wrong with not crying, you know. Some people just aren’t built that way.” Kiley leaned her head on Harper’s shoulder, taking this moment to catch her breath. She had no idea if what she was saying was any help to Harper. Advice wasn’t her forte, but she was hoping at least some of what she said would bring a smile to her face and maybe bring her just a bit of comfort.
Harper nodded. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“Besides, you’re better off without him. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life crying yourself to sleep.” Kiley detached herself from the comfort of Harper’s shoulder and looked at her watch. “We should probably go.” She got up and started stretching her legs. “It’s pretty dark and it’s a long way down. And I’m tired and hungry. And my feet hurt. Carry me?” Kiley surprised Harper by jumping on her back. “Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go.”
Harper lurched forward, not expecting Kiley’s sudden outburst. “I don’t think so. Find your own way down.”
Kiley got down and started running. “See you at the bottom.”
Harper tried catching up with her. “Wait! Where the hell did all this energy come from?”
“I told you, I’m hungry. When I have food on my mind, there’s no stopping me!” yelled Kiley as she made her way back down the path. “Besides, downhill is easier.”
CHAPTER 7
Kiley could feel her mild headache getting worse as she approached the table right under the red and yellow Stella Artois neon sign. She started clearing away the glasses left by the group of guys who were treating a friend that had just lost his job. She grabbed the last couple of near-empty glasses containing melted ice and diluted gin and tonic and brought them over to the bar.
“He was kinda cute. You should have gone for it,” remarked Kiley.
“Oh sure. That’s exactly what I need. Another mouth to feed,” replied Erin, the bar’s other server.
“At least without a job, he’d be home all the time. Free babysitting.”
“Nah. I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that not only will I never have another boyfriend, I’m probably never gonna get laid again. At least not for the next fourteen years. And by then, I’ll be too old to enjoy it.” Erin was behind the bar, filling up five glasses of draught beer.
“Don’t be so negative. It lowers your hotness factor.”
“Can’t go much lower than zero.”
Kiley picked up an empty crate, put it on the bar and started loading it up with empty bottles. “Confidence. Try it sometime. It helps.”
Erin placed the beer-filled glasses onto a tray and carried them to a table near the back. “That sounds like too much work,” she stated while walking past Kiley. After delivering the drinks, Erin walked back to the bar and watched as Kiley finished filling up the crate with empty bottles. Kiley picked up the crate and headed towards the back door leading into the alley.
Erin grabbed her purse from under the bar and followed her. “I think it’s time for a break. I need a cigarette and you need someone to open the door for you.” She swung the door open and allowed Kiley to go in front of her to deliver the crate on the floor near their recycle bin.
“You’re way too hard on yourself,” informed Kiley. “Hell, you’re three years younger than me. You’ve got youth on your side.”
Erin pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her purse. “Yeah, but I look thirty-two, not twenty-two. You at least look like you’re still eighteen.” She fumbled around with her lighter, placed the cigarette in her mouth and brought the lighter up to the cigarette, igniting a flicker in the dark alley.
“That’s because I don’t smoke,” retorted Kiley, who was almost tempted to pull the cigarette out of Erin’s mouth and throw it on the ground.
Erin inhaled the smoke, causing the end of her cigarette to light up even more, then exhaled dramatically. “No. It’s because you don’t have a four-year-old kid at home depriving you of sleep.”
Kiley nodded in understanding. “Touché. But the smoking probably doesn’t help.”
“It’s my one vice. Let me have it.” Erin sat down on the dilapidated folding chair right outside the back door and flicked the end of her ‘vice’ to get rid of the excess ashes.
Kiley stood in front of Erin and folded her arms. “It’s getting cold.”
Erin nodded. “You can go back in if you want. I just need a few more minutes.”
“That’s okay. I’ll wait.” Kiley ran her left hand up and down her right arm, trying to prevent herself from getting goose bumps from the chilly air setting in. She watched as Erin drew in more smoke from her Marlboro Red and gawked intently as the smoke escaped from Erin’s nostrils. Kiley simply could not understand the appeal of smoking. She had done her fair share of rebellious smoking as a teenager, but it was mainly for show. In reality, she hated the ashy taste in her mouth and the musky aroma that clung to her clothes afterwards. It didn’t take her long to realize it wasn’t worth it, but far be it from her to preach about it to Erin. “You know; I really do think you should put yourself out there more. I think it would be good for you.”
Erin scoffed at Kiley’s suggestion. “Thanks, but I don’t think so. I’m damaged goods. And eventually, I’ll just be an old barmaid.”
“Look, just because some asshole knocked you up at seventeen and then left right after you gave birth doesn’t mean you’re damaged. It means HE is. You don’t have to shut yourself off to guys. And you don’t have to work here for the rest of your life. This is just a temporary fix.”
Kiley didn’t know why, but she felt a sort of sisterly bond with Erin. There was this inherent need to protect her, like an older sister would. Perhaps it was because Kiley never had a sister and always admired how protective Harper was over Emily. All she knew for sure was, like Harper, Erin wasn’t living up to her full potential.
Erin threw the rest of her cigarette on the ground and stomped it out with her shoe. “I don’t have a choice. I do this because I have to. And right now, I have nowhere else to go. I’ve got a kid to take care of.”
“I know.”
Erin stayed seated and adjusted her form-fitting t-shirt, pulling the hem down over the back of her jeans to block the draft. “What about you?”
“What about me?” asked Kiley, wanting to go back inside. She hated when people turned things around on her.
“You don’t need to be here. You could be doing so many other things with your life.”
Kiley walked over to the door and leaned up against it. “Like what?”
“Anything. You can travel. You can go back to school. You can model.”
Kiley started to laugh. “Doubtful on the modeling thing. You need coordination for that.”
“My point is, you have the freedom to do anything. Why are you still here? This town can so easily break people. Why do you stay?”
Kiley leaned her head against the door with her arms still crossed. “I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel right to leave. I’ve got responsibilities. And friends.”
“You have a car payment and Harper.”
“A car payment is a very big responsibility. And I do have other friends besides Harper.”
“You do?”
“Yeah! I’m not a loser with just one friend. I happen to be very popular. Always have been. I have…well, there’s you. And Graham is like a brother to me. A really old brother, but a brother nonetheless. And…well, the point is, I have friends. And I’m not ready to leave them.”
Erin stood up and faced Kiley. “Well just out of curiosity, if you didn’t have all these friends, what would you want to do with your life?”
Kiley contemplated Erin’s question for a moment. She couldn’t remember the last time anyone asked her that question. She had never really thought about it, even when she was younger. The lack of stability in her home life reflected her current situation. Coming from someone who was deprived of any real consistency as a child, what with her father’s temper and her mother’s emotional detachment. Kiley found it difficult to choose any sort of career path. She couldn’t see herself doing the same thing day in and day out. With bartending, she felt some control over having the ability to leave whenever she wanted and do something else. Even though she hadn’t done so yet. This was the longest job she’d ever held, though there have been days when she had come close to quitting.
The only thing Kiley ever really wanted
to do was travel. She wanted to see the world. Or at least the rest of the country, but she had no idea how she would make a living doing that. She could write a travel book or work as a correspondent for a travel show. But she felt such undertakings would require too much time, money, and talent. Kiley refused to believe she had any sort of skill. The only skill she thought she had was finding the talent and aptitude in others, yet she always failed to use her skill on herself.
Kiley still had no clue where her life was going, but there was one job that she always saw herself doing. It was far from fancy, didn’t pay well and required some manual labor. Yet the thought of it excited Kiley for reasons she couldn’t explain. It was an idea she came up with when she met Harper and watched her perform for the first time.
She smiled and looked at Erin. “I wanna be a roadie.”
“A roadie?” Erin wasn’t quite expecting that answer.
“Yeah. Wake up in a new place every day. Hang out with talented musicians. Doesn’t sound like a bad gig to me.”
Erin held the door open to go back inside.
“Hmm…well, do you know any bands that you could be a roadie for?”
Kiley walked past her, back into the bar. “Why do you think I get on Harper’s ass about performing and recording more? I’ll be HER roadie.”
Erin shook her head and grinned while closing the door behind them. “Whatever makes you happy. Sounds like fun.”
***
Harper watched the lights on her tuner switch back and forth from red to green as she adjusted the machine head on her acoustic Alvarez guitar. When the final string was in tune, she switched off the tuner and strummed the ¾ size guitar, releasing a perfectly tuned G chord radiating off the Elixir guitar strings. She got up and placed the Alvarez on the guitar stand next to her electric Fender Stratocaster. She then grabbed her Gibson J45 by its neck and sat back down, putting the guitar pick on the arm of the chair she was sitting in. She lightly ran her fingers over the strings, picking out the melody of one of the first songs she wrote. As quietly as she was hitting the strings, the music still echoed fairly loud through the garage. Harper loved the acoustics in this place. She always thought it would be the perfect space for her own studio because of the stellar sound quality. Unfortunately, a studio and all the equipment that comes with it, costs money.
A Fine Mess Page 5