A Fine Mess

by Hughes, Breanna

  She continued to think to herself as she slowly began to calm down, Okay. Okay Harper. It’s okay. She felt a jolt moving from her stomach, to her throat, all the way up to her eyes as she shuddered while releasing the first of several tears. It’s time.

  Really, who was she kidding? She could deny it to herself all she wanted. It didn’t change the fact that Emily was indeed right. A sick feeling began to materialize in her stomach as she gradually allowed herself to come to terms with the emotions she had worked so hard to stave off. There she sat with her head in her hands, completely alone at this moment; this moment being the first time she ever admitted it to herself. Harper was in love with Kiley. It wasn’t just “a thing” as Emily had said, but it was real, honest-to-God love. She had been from the moment they met when she walked through the door at Tyson’s bar and spotted that five-foot-eight frame behind the bar. Her breath caught in her throat when she heard Kiley speak those first words “Why the two guitars?”

  There was always something in the back of Harper’s mind that kept nagging at her, suggesting that something was a little off. And yes, the idea of harboring same sex tendencies did creep up from time to time, which Harper immediately pushed back down to be thought or worried about some other day. She really could not fathom how the hell her sister figured it out. Especially since she always did her best to hide it due to the potentially serious ramifications it would bring about. The whole ‘being raised Catholic’ thing didn’t help and only further conflicted her. What would her parents think? How would they react? It pained her to think about that, especially knowing that she’ll never know the answer to that. And Finn. How would he feel about it? Everything she felt for Finn was real. Every emotion, every butterfly in her stomach, every kiss, every “I love you.” She meant it all…up until the end when there was a greater power constantly looming over and haunting her. There was always something that kept her from giving one hundred percent of herself to Finn. She tried to ignore it, but eventually it got so big she started to crack under the pressure. The only way to slightly alleviate that weight was to break it off with him. It was the only reasonable option. With the split came immense relief, but it was only a mere cure for a symptom of a much bigger issue.

  Harper had never actually said it out loud. Then, out of nowhere, Emily just spews it out like a Bible passage. Like it was something so universally known, it was stated with such little fanfare.

  Harper’s tears lead to sobbing. Her hands were shaking, trying to wipe the tears from her face. At this point, her Catholic guilt was the least of her worries, especially since her faith had been severely shaken long ago. She thought of Kiley and how devastated she would be if her friend ever found out about this and reacted badly. After all, Kiley was obviously very much straight. And Harper…well, she simply didn’t know what to call herself. Yes, she had found other girls attractive in the past, but what did that mean? Surely it didn’t mean she was gay, did it? How could it mean that when she’s only had boyfriends in the past and she’s only slept with men? Obviously there was some sort of untapped issue plaguing her, but gay? How is that possible? Apparently for Emily, it seemed very much possible.

  This wasn’t an easy thing to finally accept and admit. She had been holding this inside of her for so long. Almost too long.

  ***

  Harper’s eyes twitched a bit until they slowly opened to the sight of a DVD symbol flickering and changing color on the TV set. She let out a yawn and wondered what time it was. It had to be well past midnight by this point. She didn’t realize how exhausted she was. But apparently she fell asleep halfway through the movie because the last thing she remembered was Alvy Singer going over to Annie’s place to kill a bug for her just before their imminent reconciliation. She stretched a bit and realized she had fallen asleep in her clothes. Jeans weren’t the most comfortable thing to sleep in due to the amount of chafing involved. She still had her makeup on as well.

  She and Kiley had gone to a concert with some friends that night. Since Finn was visiting his parents for the weekend, Harper took this opportunity to hang out with the friends she hadn’t seen in a while. She and Kiley had been friends for eight months at this point, so Kiley tagged along since she wasn’t working that night and wanted to meet Harper’s other friends. After the concert, everyone wanted to go out for drinks, but Harper and Kiley decided to call it an early night. Instead they hung out at Kiley’s place to watch a movie. When they settled on Annie Hall, they also settled on Kiley’s room for the location seeing as how the DVD player in the living room was broken. Harper figured she’d stay for a bit and then head home since it was near the end of her last semester of college and finals were coming up. So much for that plan.

  Harper carefully rolled over and found that Kiley, too, had passed out. She was sound asleep and was also still wearing her concert clothes. With the help of the ubiquitous glare of the TV set, she couldn’t help but smile upon seeing Kiley’s eye makeup completely smudged, almost raccoon-like. She softly brushed a strand of hair out of Kiley’s face. Knowing it was much too late to try and drive home, she then made every attempt to fall back to sleep. Yet no matter how tired she was, it just wasn’t working. She lie there for another hour or so trying to will herself to sleep, but her mind was racing a mile a minute and she couldn’t figure out why. Harper had always been a fairly sound sleeper who could fall asleep at the drop of a hat, so she couldn’t understand the difficulty she was having trying to sleep tonight.

  She turned back over to face Kiley, who was still deep in slumber. Harper just lay there unwittingly watching Kiley’s chest methodically rise and fall, memorizing her breathing pattern, tracing her silhouette that the faint light the TV was creating. As bad of a friend as it made her sound, sometimes she found herself jealous of Kiley. In this moment she was jealous of the fact that, even in sleep, her friend was absolutely stunning. But was it really jealousy taking over her? Perhaps it was something else…a feeling of awe and wonderment. Because if it were jealousy, she wouldn’t be feeling so content and at peace right now, regardless of not being able to sleep.

  Harper immediately shook those thoughts from her brain. What the hell was she doing? She was almost embarrassed by acting like a stalker. She turned over on her back, being careful not to ruffle the sheets too much, closed her eyes and eventually fell asleep to the rhythm of Kiley’s breathing.

  ***

  Harper’s tears were nearly dry as memories of that night came rushing back like it happened yesterday. She thought about her restlessness that night, how she was unable to sleep and was now suddenly able to pinpoint that night as when and where her insomnia first started. It all made sense to her now. She thought about that moment, Kiley’s face, her body, her breath…that was the moment. It was the moment she knew. There was no avoiding it, no denying it. Harper was in love with Kiley.

  She sat there on the garage floor, finally removing her head from her hands. She looked around and studied her surroundings, wishing there was a way to seal off the door and keep the rest of the world out of this sanctum. Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible. She thought of Emily, how it was that she knew. How did she pick up on it so fast? Was it that obvious? She thought of Kiley. Oh, God…Kiley.

  This was a revelation she never saw coming. And if she did see it coming, she did her best to prevent it from actually happening. But it was too late. It’s out there. You can’t take back such a considerable admission, even if it was just to yourself.

  She rested her hands on the floor, leaned back and looked up at the ceiling.

  “Fuck.”

  ***

  Once she regrouped, Harper rejoined society out in the living room and found Emily chowing down on a bowl of Fruit Loops. Harper could not grasp how her sister stayed so skinny while eating so much crap. Cereal was Emily’s biggest vice when it came to food and she had a tendency to lean towards the ones made of pure sugar. Whereas Harper had to struggle to deprive herself of the f
ood she loved and had to consistently exercise in order to maintain her flat stomach and her one hundred twenty-pound frame.

  Emily looked up at her sister. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. It was a stupid thing to say.”

  “I’m sorry I freaked out.”

  Emily held up the box of cereal. “You want some?”

  “No thanks. I’m not hungry.” Harper joined her sister at the kitchen table and perused the back of the cereal box, playing the word finder game and trying to occupy her brain for a moment until she was ready to talk.

  “Em?”

  “Yeah?”

  “How did you know?”

  Emily shrugged. “I just knew. When you’re on the outside as a third party, it’s a little easier to pick up on things. The way you look at her, the way your smile brightens when she’s around…”

  “Is it that obvious?” Her stomach, churning and weak, made her feel like she was going to vomit.

  “To me, yes. But I don’t think anyone else could tell.”

  Harper nodded. Emily was always much more adept and in tune to her surroundings than most people.

  “The Kiley thing, I just noticed since I’ve been back, but something tells me it’s been going on for a while.”

  Harper nodded in defeat. “Four years.”

  “Jesus! You’ve been holding that in for that long? How do you deal with that?”

  “I don’t let myself think about it.” Harper was now reading the label on the cereal box, trying to figure out exactly what “pyridoxine hydrochloride” was. The thought of looking anywhere in the vicinity of her sister was unbearable. Her face was burning and her body felt like it was nearing the point of a hot flash.

  “Doesn’t it drive you crazy?” asked Emily.

  “I’ve been able to handle it so far.”

  “Maybe you should just tell her.”

  Harper’s face turned bright purple. She put down the box. “Oh no. No way. Are you kidding me? Not a chance. Never.”

  “Okay, okay. Just think about it for a bit. I know it might take some getting used to.”

  “I still can’t believe you figured it out.”

  “I’ve known about your proclivity for other girls for a while.”

  Harper could swear Emily was able to hear her beating heart pounding out of her chest. Thank God for her trusty ribcage holding it in. “What?!”

  “Oh please. I’ve known since I was ten. You were a sophomore in high school.”

  “I…how…how did you know?”

  “I observe things. I may have been young, but I wasn’t blind. Besides, it was pretty obvious when you wouldn’t stop raving about Jessie What’s-Her-Face. It wasn’t exactly subtle.”

  Harper lowered her head. She knew exactly what Emily was talking about. Looking back, it was painfully obvious she had developed a crush on Jessie Stonem when she was fifteen. But she barely even knew her. And at the time, it seemed like she simply wanted to be her friend and nothing more. That whole ordeal was starting to make more sense now.

  “How is it possible that you knew and I didn’t?”

  “Power of denial. Trust me, I know all about that. Besides, I wasn’t about to tell you. You needed to figure it out on your own. I thought eventually you would, but then you met Finn and the next thing I knew, you were engaged. And then a part of me thought maybe I was wrong.” She took a bite of her cereal. “Clearly I wasn’t.”

  Harper started massaging her temple with her hand. “Fuck.”

  Emily reached out and put her hand on top of Harper’s. It was the first physical contact they had shared in a while. In fact, this was the longest conversation they’ve had since Emily came back. Harper’s first inclination was to jerk her hand away, but she knew her sister was being sincere at this moment. This was definitely something she didn’t want to go through alone.

  For Emily’s part, she was just thankful for the minor breakthrough in their otherwise awkward and icy relationship. Feeling bold, she slowly pulled her hand away and finally decided to open up.

  “I went to Chicago.”

  “What?”

  “Right after I left, I stayed with a friend down in Orange County, scrounged up some money and bought a bus ticket to Chicago. I went to meet Damien.”

  “Damien?” Harper tried to discern why that name sounded so familiar.

  “Yeah…you know…”

  Suddenly, a light switched on. “Oh, Damien?! Your sleazy ex-boyfriend? The one that was way too old for you?”

  “He wanted to get back together.”

  “Emily, I HATE that guy. Mom and dad hated him. We practically celebrated when you two broke up and he moved away.”

  “And I now understand why. But we started talking again right after mom and dad died. He said he missed me and I should come out there and be with him and he’d take care of me. He said he was making really good money out there.”

  “Doing what?”

  “What do you think? Anyway, it sounded nice. In my warped mind, I thought it could work. So I met him there and moved in with him and, you know, worked for him.”

  “Selling drugs?”

  Emily nodded.

  “What did you sell?” Harper had no idea why she asked that. She really didn’t want to know.

  “Pot, cocaine, meth…whatever we could sell. He had some connection, and I didn’t question it. I’m not proud of it. It was beyond stupid, I know.”

  Harper wanted to yell at her, scream at the top of her lungs, ‘What were you thinking? Jesus! You could have been arrested! You could have been killed!’ But she managed to stop herself from overreacting and just listened to her sister talk.

  “Anyway, after about a year, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I hated myself, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave Damien because I loved him. And I thought I had nowhere else to go. But it got to the point where all we ever did was either deal drugs or do them.”

  Harper did not want to hear that.

  “And I was miserable. I just wanted to be with him without all that other stuff, but then I came home one day and the apartment was empty. All his stuff, and most of my stuff was gone.”

  Harper clinched her fists. She knew from the day she met Damien, she should have decked him for even thinking he was good enough to be in Emily’s life. Now she wished she had–a preemptive punch.

  “He was just gone. I called him a few times. The last time, he answered and just said, ‘Lose my number whore.’ And some girl was laughing in the background. And that was it. It was over.”

  There were a million things Harper wanted to say to her sister at this moment, but she had to let it all sink in.

  “I’m so sorry, Em.”

  “I’m glad it happened. Hell, I deserved it. Besides, he didn’t know I had been hiding any extra money we made in one of our vents, so I took that and went on my way. I think I ended up in Iowa after that…or Ohio. It’s kind of a blur. Then I went to New York for a bit and eventually made my way down south and ended up in Nashville. But I was never in one place for very long. Eventually, I ran out of money. And my drug issue didn’t help that situation too much.”

  Harper squirmed in her seat. Her poor baby sister had been fighting a drug problem completely alone. This is where Harper’s protective nature wanted to kick in. All she wanted to do was scoop her up and take her away from anything harmful this world had to offer. It would have been too little too late, though, knowing now some of what Emily had been through. Keeping her protective vibe in check, she let Emily finish the story while keeping herself restrained.

  “How did you stop?”

  “Sheer willpower. Thankfully it was more of a recreational thing for me, but that didn’t make it any less difficult.”

  “So you’re…clean now?”

  Emily sighed. “Yeah.”

  They sat in silence for a moment, unsure of what else to say. Harper had a hundred more questions. What did she do in the ot
her cities? Who did she meet? Where did she stay? Emily didn’t seem to want to answer any.

  “Okay, I think we’ve had enough confessing for the day. You’ve had enough emotional shit to deal with. Don’t you have a gig tonight?”

  “Yeah I did, but I’m not going. I’m not really feeling up for it.”

  “You should go. Seriously. It might help. Besides, I want to see you play again.”

  “You’re underage.”

  “Oh please. Graham will let me in. I haven’t even seen him yet. He’ll be so thrilled I’m back, he won’t even remember I’m only nineteen.”

  “Or he’ll let you stand outside and put your ear to the door.”

  “Even better,” Emily retorted.

  Harper shook her head. “I don’t think so. Not tonight. My voice isn’t all that great right now. All that crying left a big lump in my throat.”

  “Okay, we’ll go with that for an excuse and completely ignore the fact that Kiley is gonna be there.”

  “I just don’t want to deal with it right now. Thanks for humoring me.”

  “Of course.”

  Harper looked pleadingly at her sister. “Look, I can trust you with this, right? I mean…” Harper sighed. “Please don’t tell Kiley, okay? I don’t think I can handle her knowing that—”

  “Don’t worry. I wouldn’t dream of it.”

  ***

  “Why do you keep checking your watch?”

  Erin took notice of Kiley’s constant time-checking and it was beginning to make her nervous.

  “It’s almost ten.”

  “Yeah. But we don’t get off until two. So the more you look at your watch, the longer it’s going to seem before closing time.” Erin put the finishing touches on the three lemon drop martinis ordered by the ladies at table five.

  Kiley swiped a credit card and returned it to a customer at the bar. “Here you go. Thanks, have a great night.” She took the receipt and put it in the register.