A Fine Mess

by Hughes, Breanna

“I’m sorry.” Emily shuffled her feet as she stood next to Harper looking down at the top of her head.

  Harper took Emily’s hand and pulled her down to the same level. “Me too.”

  They knelt there for a while, silently observing the spot where their parents were laid to rest three years ago, until the pressure on their knees got to them and they both sat next to each other with their legs crossed.

  “I haven’t been here since the day we buried them,” observed Emily.

  “I come back every year. But that’s really all I can handle. Otherwise it’s just too hard.”

  “I guess we both have our ways of dealing with our grief. You fight it head on, while I choose to run.”

  Harper nodded.

  “And I’m sorry,” added Emily. “But I really am trying.”

  “I know.”

  Emily leaned back, her hands digging into the grass. “The thing is…” she hesitated. “The thing is, I almost screwed everything up again.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean this…us. We were doing so well, considering. Just now, when you took off, I—”

  Harper didn’t allow her sister to finish. “The stuff under your bed?”

  Emily cocked her head to the side. “How did you— ?”

  “I searched your room. Sorry. I know I shouldn’t have. But after everything that happened, I just wanted to know how honest you were being. But I left it there for you to handle. That’s your deal.”

  “I threw it out. All of it.”

  “Good.”

  “I’m telling the truth. I really did.”

  Harper put her hand on Emily’s knee. “I know. I believe you.” After a few more moments of silence, Harper added, “Mom and dad would be proud.”

  Emily scoffed. “Oh please. You don’t have to try to make me feel better.”

  “I’m serious. They’d be really proud of the strides you’ve taken. Whereas I on the other hand, have allowed my life to implode.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “It’s true,” exclaimed Harper. “They wouldn’t even know who I am anymore. I’m no longer engaged to Finn. I’m working a thankless job at a bookstore to make ends meet. And I’m pining for my best friend, who happens to be a girl and I have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore. Why do I constantly feel like I’m letting them down? Even now that they’re gone.”

  “Parents are made to make their kids feel guilty. Remember that time I peeled that inch of wallpaper off the wall in their room? Dad would never let me live that down. And it got worse every time he brought it up. ‘Remember the time Emily ripped that square foot of wallpaper off? Remember when Emily ripped half the wall of wallpaper? Remember when we used to have wallpaper before Emily ripped the whole thing off?’ I was four! I mean, I know it was a running joke, but I still felt bad about it. You just have to come to terms with the fact that the only person who matters in your life is you and how you view yourself. Everyone else is just there to help guide you.”

  Harper began to look at her sister in a whole new light. “Em, when the hell did you get so insightful?”

  “I’ve always been insightful. I’ve just never vocalized it before.”

  Harper drew a deep breath and exhaled slowly as she leaned her head on Emily’s shoulder. “Kiley and I had sex last night. And it was really, really good. Like, incredible. And for a brief moment, I felt everything else just kind of lift away. And it was just me and her and at that moment, that was all I needed. And I cried. And she cried. And it was this great big beautiful mess. And I slept. I fell asleep in her arms and for nine full hours, I just slept. When I woke up, she was gone.”

  Emily could hear Harper’s voice cracking and quivering. She took her sister’s hand, trying to comfort her any way she could.

  Harper sniffled, and wiped away a stray tear. “I love her, Em. I’ve tried so hard not to, but I can’t help it. I love her. I knew almost immediately after I met her and I’ve tried so hard to just push it down so it would never see the light of day. Even when I was with Finn, I still felt it. And now I don’t know how she’s feeling about any of this and I just feel sick.”

  “I’m sure she’ll come around eventually. She’s just trying to take this all in, like you.”

  Harper shook her head. “How would they feel about this? How would they react?” She gestured to the plot in front of them.

  “They loved us despite all our flaws. I’m sure they would have been fine with it,” assured Emily. “Hell, I’m fine with it, and I hate that girl.”

  Harper let out a small chuckle. “And how would Finn react?”

  “It doesn’t matter. He’s not a part of your life anymore. And maybe he’ll finally be able to move on and understand why you broke up with him.”

  “God, this is so humiliating.”

  “Don’t be embarrassed. Everyone’s allowed to be a fuck up at one point or another. And really, Kiley’s the fuck up in this situation, so the blame lies solely with her. I can’t believe she just left you like that.”

  “Well, that’s Kiley.”

  “Well, that’s bullshit.” Emily didn’t know why, but she felt herself craving a cigarette at that moment, but willed the craving away as best she could. “I miss them. A lot.”

  “Yeah. Me too.”

  “The thing is, if I let myself think about it too much, it makes me crazy. And I feel like if I start crying, I won’t be able to stop, you know?”

  Harper nodded.

  “But this isn’t so bad, being here with you. I think it makes it easier.”

  Harper stared out at the vast acres of land that surrounded them. Almost every inch was covered in headstones and she couldn’t help but think about death and how natural and unnatural it was at the same time. Sure it’s a part of life. But does it have to be such a horrific, wretched affair where people are just ripped out of your life without warning? Millions of people have lost loved ones, but have any of them really, truly felt as much pain as Harper felt when her parents died? If so, then how did they get through it? And does it ever get easier?

  Before Harper could delve too much into her philosophical wonderment, Emily interrupted her train of thought with a sigh. “I should get going. I have to be at work in an hour. Did I tell you they promoted me to Supervisor?”

  “Already?” asked Harper.

  “Yeah. Apparently I’m good at this job. Who knew?”

  Emily got up and helped up her sister. “I’ll have to come by and see you in action,” said Harper, as they started their trek back home.

  ***

  After they left the cemetery, not ten minutes passed before Kiley showed up bearing flowers, cradling them in her right arm. Her heart was pounding thinking there might be a small chance she’d run into Harper, but clearly she was nowhere to be found. Part of her was relieved, but part of her was rather disappointed. She figured this would be much less painful than having to actually call her up on the phone and suffer through a conversation full of awkward silences. Having behaved so badly, the only thing she could hope for was a convenient random run-in where Harper would be forced to talk to her. Hindsight being what it is, Kiley whole-heartedly regretted sneaking out on Harper this morning. How could she possibly expect Harper to talk to her after that? Last night was the culmination of everything they both had been feeling over the past years and how did she react? She just blew it off like it was nothing.

  The thing about Kiley is that denial had always been her greatest talent. To this day, she still believed that her childhood dog Roxie, really was sent to live on a ranch in Wyoming when she was six. Even though deep down she knew the truth, she refused to accept it. She still firmly believed that Lauren, her best friend in high school, wasn’t the one who spread those anorexic rumors about her. Even though Kiley heard Lauren telling people just that in the bathroom as she was hiding in one of the stalls. And she still has herself convinced that her parents are still happily
married despite the incessant fighting and obvious affairs her father was having. And so it went her entire life. Ignorance is bliss. Denial is just easier, so it was a natural reaction to deny any alleged feelings she had for Harper. But denial can only last so long before the truth begins to find its way out.

  ***

  “Okay, left leg in first. And now the right,” instructed Kiley. Once both of Harper’s legs were in, Kiley pulled the sweats up to her waist and laid her down onto the bed. Then she sat on the side of the bed and adjusted the pillow.

  Through the bedroom door, Kiley could hear the murmurs of the guests still milling about in the living room. She was hoping they wouldn’t stay too much longer. She had two emotionally exhausted girls to worry about, a mess to clean up, and a well-meaning, but clueless fiancé of her best friend to tend to. But she drowned all that out and kept her attention on Harper, whom she had just tucked in after long day of enduring her parents’ funeral and the somber gathering afterward. Kiley remained hovered over Harper as her friend looked up at her.

  “Thank you, Kiley. Thank you for everything. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known.”

  Kiley grinned. “Funny. I always say that you about you.” She lingered a bit longer, watching Harper’s eyes slowly close. Kiley studied the contours of her face, wondering how it was possible for her to be so brave and put up such a strong front in the past four days. She was in complete awe of her friend. And right now all she wanted more than anything at the moment was to take away any sort of pain she was feeling. The sad fact was, she didn’t know how. She started to get up, but Harper grabbed her arm and pulled her back without even opening her eyes.

  “Can you stay with me a little bit? Just until I fall asleep?” She slid her hand down Kiley’s arm and rested it in her hand. Kiley just held on, not knowing what else to do. From the moment Harper called her from the hospital letting her know what happened, Kiley felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She had never heard Harper sob as much as she had that day and though she wanted to cry with her friend, Kiley knew the best way to help her was to just be there and be strong. But at this moment, the weakness was way too overpowering for her and she was slowly giving into it. She fought back her tears, just like she had been for past few days. She gently grasped Harper’s soft hand.

  “Of course I’ll stay with you.”

  Those words were the last thing Harper heard that day. She was asleep within minutes with Kiley right there by her side. Kiley couldn’t quite explain why, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave. Even though Harper’s slow and steady breathing was a sure sign that she was deep in slumber. She kept her hand clasped to Harper’s, watching her thumb run over the other girl’s index finger, admiring the freckles that adorned Harper’s fingers. She was always jealous of her friend’s freckles and thought it was adorable that they were literally everywhere. They weren’t overpowering on her skin or too prominent, but made their presence known even on her kneecaps. Kiley brought Harper’s hand up to her lips and gently kissed her fingers. She had no idea why, but felt that it might somehow help to ease her friend’s pain just a little bit. Kiley let go of her hand and began to run her fingernails through Harper’s hair along the right temple. It was a move Kiley’s mom used when she was younger. It never failed to help her fall asleep.

  Kiley could feel her body temperature rise as the back of her neck began to sweat. She wanted to tie her hair back, but was afraid it would wake up Harper. As carefully as she could, she took off her black cardigan and tossed it on the floor. It helped a bit, but she couldn’t get rid of the flushed feeling in her face.

  Harper abruptly began to shift and let out a soft moan.

  “Shhh…” Kiley returned to her temple, trying to keep her asleep. The heat from her breath was hitting Harper’s cheek as she moved in even closer to the younger girl. Suddenly, a spark. An explosion in the pit of her stomach as her lips were on Harper’s, moving softly, drinking in the warmth emanating from Harper’s mouth. Kiley had no idea how she got to this point. Lingering above the young blonde, the smooth skin on their lips still igniting sparks. She slowly pulled away, her heart about to beat out of her chest, terrified that Harper might wake up. She didn’t. She just lay there peacefully unaware of the kiss they had just shared. Kiley got up, grabbed her sweater from off the floor and tip-toed out the door, closing it quietly behind her.

  Before she could even recover from what just happened, she ran into Finn. Literally. Her head was down, so she had no way of knowing that Finn was right in front of her until her head hit his shoulder.

  “Oh! Sorry. Sorry.” Kiley was flustered. This was the last thing she needed at this moment.

  “No, I’m sorry. You okay?” asked Finn.

  “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” replied Kiley, slowly regaining her composure.

  “Are you sure? You’re looking a little flushed.”

  “Oh, probably the embarrassment of bumping into you. I thought Harper was the klutz. Apparently it’s rubbing off on me.” Kiley brought her hand up to her face, trying to hide the palpable guilt.

  “Well, I was just gonna go check on her,” said Finn.

  “Oh, she’s okay. She’s fast asleep.”

  “Really? Wow. Well, good then.”

  “Yeah.” A brief moment of silence passed between them as Kiley kept awkwardly nodding her head. “Well, I’m gonna go check on Emily. And then, start cleaning up. Is everyone pretty much gone?”

  “Yeah. Harper’s aunt just left. She was the last one.”

  “Excellent. Well, I’m actually gonna go outside for a bit. Get some air. I’ll be back in a few.” Without another word, Kiley walked through the kitchen and out the back door. She hoped the outside air would somehow cleanse her and help make more sense of things because she had no idea what the hell had just happened.

  ***

  Kiley bent over and placed the flowers on the grave. She bowed her head and reflected for a moment, recalling the time she first met Harper’s parents. They took an immediate liking to her and insisted she stayed for dinner. Both even offered her their couch to sleep on if she was too tired to drive home. Kiley had never met anyone so warm and obliging. She could see where Harper got it from. They were the polar opposite of her parents and it was a devastating shock when they passed away.

  Kiley sighed deeply. “I’m not really used to talking to headstones, or anything. But I just wanted to say that I miss you guys. Harper and Emily really miss you, too.” She paused for a moment and rolled her eyes, feeling stupid for saying something so obvious and average. She decided to start again. “I’m sorry. The thing is, I think I really screwed things up with your daughter. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I didn’t mean to fall in love with her either, but it happened. It couldn’t be helped. I can’t believe I just said that out loud.” She looked around to make sure no one was in earshot. “The thing is, I can’t lose her. She’s pretty much all I’ve got, you know? I inevitably tend to just mess everything up. Anything that’s good in my life, I somehow let it slip away. And I don’t want to do that with Harper.”

  Again Kiley looked around to see if anyone was watching her. She never really understood why people talk to headstones at the cemetery. What was the point? Could they even hear her?

  “Anyway, sorry for venting. I just wanted to pay my respects.” She stood there for a few more minutes, hoping that perhaps Harper would make an appearance. When it became clear that she wasn’t coming any time soon, Kiley thought maybe she had already missed her. So she acknowledged the Foleys one more time, then turned and headed back to her car.

  CHAPTER 28

  The passage of fifteen days didn’t really bring much relief to Harper’s heartache. It was bad enough being rejected by Kiley, but the fact that she hadn’t spoken to her best friend in over two weeks was devastating to her. In the past, if she ever needed to talk to someone, Kiley was always the first person she would call. Even if they were annoyed with
each other, it wouldn’t matter. They’d forget all about what they were fighting over and discuss the problem at hand. There was nothing they couldn’t power their way through. That is until the truth came out. Harper thought it would be a relief to finally admit her feelings. But this unrelenting love continued to be an albatross around her neck, slowly dragging her down. She cried a few times but the tears proved to be futile. Harper had cried so much in the past three years with her parents’ death, her broken engagement, her M.I.A. sister and the deepest secret she ever harbored suddenly surfacing. She was tired of her face being constantly soaked by tears, so she replaced them with a general sense of malaise. The deep funk Harper was in made the days seem to all run together for her and she was back to her old habits running on maybe forty-five minutes of sleep every night. She tried to immerse herself in work, but being employed at a quiet bookstore only gave her more time to be alone with her thoughts. She sought comfort any way she could, with her guitar, her morning jogs, her late-night Krav Maga sessions, and even her newfound ability to bake. That was a talent Emily very much approved of seeing as how it satisfied her daily sugar rush cravings.

  Harper opened the oven, encountering a blast of overwhelming heat as she pulled out her cinnamon streusel cake.

  “Smells good,” said Emily as she washed her cereal bowl in the sink.

  “Well that’s good, because you’re taking it to work with you.”

  “Hey, no arguments here. They love it when I bring stuff in. I’m like their hero. And I hope you don’t mind, but I usually take the credit for making it.”

  “Glad I can help make you popular.”

  “Oh, I do that all on my own. This is just icing on the cake…no pun intended,” replied Emily.

  Harper wrapped the baking dish in aluminum foil and handed it to Emily. “Enjoy.”

  “Thanks.”

  “What time are you off tonight?”

  “Around nine. But some of my co-workers invited me out to karaoke after work, so I’m thinking I might go if that’s cool with you.”