“I can’t believe you knew.”
“I only realized it recently. After Seth’s party. The thing is…sometimes I question. Was it me? Was I not man enough to keep her?”
“You know that’s not true. That’s such a guy thing to say. Besides, don’t be so self-involved. Not everything is about you, you know. Harper had serious issues and feelings she had been wrestling with for years. Had she gone through with it and married you, she may have ended up resenting you. I think she did you a favor, really.”
“She was using me because I was the safe choice.”
“And you were using her because she was a perfect fit for your all-American dream. A wife, a house, two kids and a mortgage,” retorted Emily.
Finn turned away, feeling slightly guilty. “I did love her, though.”
“And she loved you.”
“But she loved Kiley more.”
Emily nodded. “That’s something I’ll never really understand, but yes. It’s overwhelmingly tangible. You can feel it whenever they’re in a room together. It’s almost surreal.”
Finn looked at the ground and unconsciously began to chew on the inside of his cheek. He suddenly felt very uneasy discussing his ex’s affinity for her best friend.
“So, what’s new in your life, Emily?”
Emily accepted the change of subject. “Oh the usual. Drugs, alcohol, debauchery, no regard for other people’s feelings or emotions. Same old stuff.” Emily gave a cute half smile. “Actually, things are good. I’m getting my GED next month. Thinking of applying to a junior college of some sort. Maybe LA Valley College or Pasadena City College.”
“Good. That’s good to hear.”
“I’m getting promoted to assistant manager.”
“That’s awesome! Congratulations.” Finn took a moment to regard the young woman in front of him. He could hardly believe this blonde haired, blue-eyed girl was the same one he found on his doorstep eight months ago. “I’m proud of you. You done good, kid. Sounds like you’re gonna be okay.”
Emily nodded. “Are you gonna be okay?”
“I think so. I mean, there’s a lot of stuff I have to do before I leave, but I’m really excited. I think this will be good for me.”
“When do you leave?”
“Next month.”
Emily stood up and walked over to give him a hug. “Well, good luck. And call or email me once in a while. Let me know what’s going on with you, okay?”
“I will.”
Emily grabbed the photo he gave her. But before she could leave, Seth came bounding in, grabbed Finn and put him in a headlock.
“Last day, asshole. That means drinks are on me tonight!” He proceeded to give his friend an ever-so-mature noogie. “Half the office is coming. And lots of girls, so we’re gonna get you laid tonight.” He glanced over at Emily and immediately let go of his death grip on Finn. “Well hello.”
“Hi?” responded Emily, cautiously.
Seth walked over looking her up and down, giving her the “elevator eyes.”
“And you are?”
“Emily.”
He reached out to take her hand and kissed it, trying to give off the façade of a gentleman. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Emily.”
After straightening out his hair, Finn thought it was time to intervene. “Seth! Don’t even think about it.”
“But—”
Finn shook his head. “No.”
“Yeah, but she’s hot.”
“Seth? I said no.”
Seth rolled his eyes and backed away from Emily. “All right. Fine. Come find me when you’re off. Shooters and hooters!” At that, he ran out the door, but not before giving Emily one more harmless glance.
“Wow. I see why you won’t miss this place,” said Emily.
Finn smiled. “Take care of yourself.”
Emily nodded and walked out the door.
“And your sister,” mumbled Finn when she was out of earshot.
Finn sat down and began to massage his temples. Seeing Emily again certainly wasn’t expected, but now it brought up all sorts of memories he thought he’d gotten rid of. He briefly considered calling Susan, but knew that was obviously a bad idea. He never went to see the doctor she had referred him to. He hadn’t had time with the new job offer and the arduous task of moving and constant apartment hunting on the internet. He opened his top drawer to grab a pen and a notepad and started scribbling down some words. He frantically wrote, hoping he would be able to capture on paper each thought that passed through his mind before it was lost into the ether. After about twenty minutes, he stopped and read back what he wrote.
“Wow. That sucked,” said Finn as he ripped the paper off and crumbled it up. He leaned his chair back and looked up at the ceiling. A task like this was going to take a lot more time and effort than he had just given.
***
Emily hopped on the bus as it pulled up to the curb. She sat in the middle, wishing she had brought an iPod for the long trek back to Studio City. She wasn’t sure if she was going to tell Harper about seeing Finn. On one hand, she should know that he’s leaving. But on the other hand, Harper had enough to deal with right now. She shouldn’t have to worry about Finn, but ultimately, Emily knew her sister’s bleeding heart would try to reach out to him and take on his burdens. She found herself reflecting on his words. He said he was proud of her and that it sounded like she was going to be okay. She wondered if he was right. Sure, she had come a long way from where she was eight months ago, but would it stay this way? Her biggest fear was returning to what and where she was a year ago, and even worse, having Harper witness it.
***
She could feel the sudden jolt in her head during the moment of impact. Her nose burned and her eyes watered as the line of powder on the table disappeared. Emily sniffled and grabbed her nose. She hated this process more than anything and couldn’t figure out why she still did it. It was painful, caused a number of nosebleeds and while she felt the incredible high for half an hour, every time she came down, she ended up loathing herself. She knew it was wrong and certainly unhealthy and often asked herself why she continued to do it. When she turned around and saw Damien on the bed having sex with some girl he brought home, she suddenly remembered. He was presumptuous to think that she would allow him to fulfill his threesome fantasy when she repeatedly told him it was never going to happen.
I shouldn’t have refused, she told herself. If she hadn’t said no, maybe he wouldn’t be punishing her like this. She really thought that she was enough for him, that he loved her more than anything. Now Emily was beginning to believe that she did, in fact, live up to the nickname Damien had given her: Stupid Girl. It was now her mantra. Whenever he made her feel guilty over something, he would find a way to hurt her and she would think, ‘Stupid girl.’
She didn’t even know the name of the girl in bed with her boyfriend. But she was beginning to grow weary of her relentless screaming that was supposedly from pleasure. Emily knew there was no way any girl would enjoy herself that much with Damien. He was as selfish in bed as he was in his daily life.
The scene in front of her was grim. They had been living in this rundown apartment for a few months and nothing was changing. He told her that once they made enough money, they’d be living in a much nicer place with a pool. They could lay out in the sun all day and make love all night and life would be perfect. But the longer they stayed in this place, the more her expectations were dwindling. And now she was faced with watching the man who promised her all these things screwing some girl he picked up in a bar.
The woman’s shrieks grew louder and Emily needed some way to drown out the sound. She leaned over and snorted one more line, grabbing her nose as the burning sensation moved all the way up through her head and down her throat. She leaned her head back and then allowed herself to fall onto the carpet. She lay on her back, watching the ceiling fan violently move around and around.
She thought about how she ended up here. She thought about Harper and what her sister might be doing at this exact moment. Was she happy? Was she in the final stages of planning her wedding? Was she thinking about her at all? She thought of her parents and how it would be so easy to blame them for her situation. If they weren’t dead, then maybe she wouldn’t be here. Maybe she would have straightened out her act and be an upstanding citizen. Well, maybe not, but she’d at least have a family. Emily didn’t want to think anymore. She had the urge to call Harper, but couldn’t move. Suddenly the ceiling fan turned into five ceiling fans that were dancing their way across the ceiling. Emily moved her head around to try and get her bearings straight. Somewhere between the whirring of the fan and the sex sounds from the bed, she passed out, finally able to get some silence.
***
When she alighted from the bus and walked into her house, she was greeted by Harper, who was sitting on the couch waiting for her to come home.
“Hey.”
“Hi. I was hoping you’d be back sooner.”
“Sorry. I got caught up. Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” replied Harper. “Yeah, everything’s fine. Sit down for a minute.”
Emily did as her sister asked. “You’re kind of scaring me. You’ve got that manic look in your eyes.”
“That’s because I thought about what you said the other day. And–here’s the kicker–I think you’re right.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. You made some really valid points, so I thought about it and you’re right. I think it’s time.”
Emily put her bag down and tried to wrap her head around what her sister was agreeing to. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I’m sure.”
“It’s probably gonna hurt. A lot.”
“Well,” said Harper. “That’s why I’m glad you’re here with me.”
Emily shared a genuine smile with her sister. She was grateful that her sister was finally beginning to see how serious she was about sticking around. “I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together. I just want you to be one hundred percent sure this is what you want. I mean, it’s a pretty big decision.”
“I know. It’ll be really hard, but it’s for the best. And I know you think so, too,” said Harper.
Emily nodded. She had only briefly brought up the idea with Harper as a means of distracting her from the Kiley situation. And she certainly didn’t think Harper would agree to it so quickly. It turns out for the first time in long time, Harper actually considered taking Emily’s advice.
CHAPTER 31
Finn put his car in park and shut off the engine after pulling alongside the curb next to Susan’s house. He gripped the steering wheel and inhaled deeply. He was relieved to find that her car wasn’t in the driveway. His body still tensed up as he unfastened his seatbelt and opened the car door. He treaded upon the walkway leading up to her door, gripping the envelope in his right hand. The walkway was only thirty feet long, but Finn felt as though he were walking from one end zone to the other on a football field. When he reached the mailbox, he loosened the grip on the envelope and placed the contents inside the mailbox. He closed the lid and walked away, leaving behind five full pages of words that had taken him three days to write. He knew this was the right thing to do. After what he did to her he had no right to attempt to talk to her and say goodbye face-to-face.
His 2003 Honda Accord was packed from top to bottom with all his earthly possessions. After two flights to and from Seattle, he finally found a place suitable enough for him to start his new life out there. He had visited his new place of employment and gotten to know a few people there. He was ready. He had three full days until his new job started and he was looking forward to driving up there while exploring the coast along the way.
After driving away from Susan’s place, he headed toward the beach and enjoyed his very last LA sunset. He had one more stop to make along the way before his journey officially began. He pointed his car east and headed out to Harper’s place. Once he got there he was met with an overwhelming sense of confusion, which led him to make one more unexpected stop.
The sun was now fully swallowed by the sky. Finn pulled into the parking lot of Tyson’s Bar and walked in, half expecting to see Harper performing on stage. The stage however, was empty. He regarded the vacant area where he used to watch Harper perform so many times and wondered if he would ever see her play again. Then he remembered that it no longer mattered. She was soon to be a distant memory.
***
Finn descended the cement steps comparing his ticket to the rows he was passing until he finally found his seat. It was a crisp November night coupled with a rather uncommon wind chill that made him wish he had brought more than just his USC hooded sweatshirt to wear. He finally found the row corresponding to his ticket and took his seat along the seventy-yard line. He looked around to see if any of his friends had shown up yet. He knew they were more than likely still tail-gating in the parking lot and getting as drunk as they could before stumbling in sometime during the second quarter. Seeing as how it was his senior year and that this would likely be the last USC game he would be attending as a student, Finn wanted to make the most of it and remain as sober as possible for the occasion. He shuddered and put his hood up over his head to keep his ears warm as he watched the teams on the field call the coin toss.
It didn’t take long for Finn’s attention to turn to the girl in the row in front of him, one seat over to his right. Her blonde hair was covered by a purple beanie and the freckles on her face were made more prominent from the goose bumps on her skin, no doubt brought on by the cold. She seemed to be quite vested in the conversation she was having with her friend. But the moment she laughed, something happened to Finn. It was a rather minimal reaction, but something inside him had changed. Suddenly, he felt warm and even a little bit bold. He pulled the hood off his head and grinned as he noticed her matching purple gloves make an appearance. They had been hidden by the cloak of the UCLA blanket she was huddled under. Finn knew he should have been focused on the game, but he couldn’t stop his eyes from casually wandering over to the blonde. What could he possibly say to break the ice? Without thinking, he tapped her on the shoulder and decided to go with the first thing that came out of his mouth.
The blonde girl turned around to see who was rudely interrupting the conversation with her friend.
“Hi. Um…can I buy you a beer?” He immediately cringed. A misfire. Definitely not his best line.
She looked at him quizzically. “They don’t serve beer here.”
“I mean after the game.”
“I’m nineteen.”
He was flailing, but figured he had nothing to lose. So before she turned back around, he let his instincts take over once again.
“Don’t tell me you’re a Bruin,” he said, gesturing to the blanket over her lap.
“Would that be a problem,” she asked.
“Well that would make us rivals. Never a good way to start off a relationship.”
She opened her mouth to respond just as the crowd jumped up and screamed when USC scored a touchdown.
“That’s rather presumptuous,” she yelled.
“Is it?”
“Besides, I’m not big on the whole rivalry thing.”
“Good. Less pettiness between us,” replied Finn.
“What are you talking about? There is no ‘us’.”
“Not yet.” Finn couldn’t believe what an ass he was sounding like, but the words just kept coming out of him so naturally.
The young woman scoffed and shook her head, then went back to talking to her friend.
It wasn’t too long before Finn’s friends finally met up with him. After the game was over, Finn spotted the young blonde walking out to her car. He bid his buddies adieu and ran over to her. This time, he made it a point to act more like himself and not some college boy caricature.
“Hey!”
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“Um…hi.”
“I just realized I didn’t get your name.” Finn was walking backwards as she and her friend trudged on, trying to find her car.
“It’s Harper. And this is my friend, Sarah.”
“Hi Sarah. Nice to meet you.”
“Hi.” Sarah laughed. She was enjoying this way too much. “Uh, Harper? I’m gonna go look for the car. I’ll text you when I find it. Stay. Talk. Have fun.”
Finn watched Sarah leave and turned back to Harper. “So, Harper, would you like to go out with me?”
Harper stopped walking. “Seriously?”
Finn stopped as well. “Yeah. Like on a date.”
Harper shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
“Why not? You have a boyfriend?”
“No.”
“Girlfriend?”
“No!”
“Scary father?”
“Only when the Dolphins lose, so yes.”
“Well, he’ll love me. I guarantee it. So will you.”
“Oh really?”
Finn nodded. “I’m harmless.”
“How do I know that?”
“I’m from the Midwest. We all have that hometown boyish charm.”
Harper gave a slight side smile. “Well that remains to be seen from you.”
Finn knew he was wearing her down. “Come on. One date.”
“Why do you want this so badly?”
Finn took a breath and prepared himself for the most genuine thing he had said all night. “Honestly? Because the moment I saw you, my heart and my stomach simultaneously dropped. I kind of liked the feeling. And I’d like to feel it again.”
A Fine Mess Page 30