by MA Lee
I know the distance between us now seems impossible, but we will make this work. I don’t want to just be your boyfriend or a guy you had fun with this summer. I want to be your everything. Your forever.
I am going to try to find a way to get closer to you, we just have to be patient. Until then, know that I love you with all of my heart, soul, and being. I still don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I will never give you up. I love you my Maddi girl.
Forever yours,
Ryan
I read and re-read the words over and over again until I had the whole letter committed to memory. I cried. I laughed. I smiled. Ryan was the type of guy you watched in romantic movies and read about in Fairy Tales. He was so perfect I had to pinch myself to make sure he was real and not something I imagined.
I waited for Ryan to call that night before I responded to his letter. Like him, there was so much I wanted to say but sometimes it takes time to for just the right words to say to the person who stole your heart.
Later that evening, Ryan called when his family stopped for the night just outside of Ohio. From the low volume of his voice and the rushing cars in the background, I could tell he was somewhere outside of the hotel as he talked to me.
“Hey baby,” Ryan’s voice broke through the phone and I had never been so happy to hear two words before in my life.
“Hey you,” I said, almost giddy with excitement.
“Did you get my letter?” he asked nervously.
“Yes,” I replied, my voice breaking. “I absolutely loved it,” I exclaimed.
“Really?” he asked. “I wrote and re-wrote that letter a million times. I know it wasn’t perfect, but it was the best way I could express how I feel.”
My heart was doing leaps in my chest and my breath was coming out in uneven gasps as I tried to hold back my own words. I wanted to hear Ryan’s voice, but I also needed to talk to him too.
“Ryan, you couldn’t have said anything else that would be any more perfect than those words. I have never known true love. Sure, I had crushes and cared for people before, but no one, including my family, has ever made me feel loved and supported and safe like you do. I know we can make this work. I am excited to see how our story plays out,” I stopped and paused to allow my words to sink in.
I could hear his smile form through the phone. “Maddi, I wish I was there right now with you. If I were, I would grab you and kiss you and do all kinds of naughty things to you,” he chuckled.
I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped through my lips. “I wish you were here too,” I beamed as I sat on my bed. Now that I think of it, I don’t think I had left my room all day after Ryan left. Sad thing is, my parents didn’t seem to notice either.
We talked for a few minutes longer before silence invaded the phone again. “There is something I want to talk to you about,” Ryan began. His tone quickly dropped from loving and cheerful to now worried and serious. I wasn’t sure what he was about to say, but I knew I didn’t like the sinking feeling in my stomach from the change of our conversation.
“Okay,” I said.
Sighing, Ryan hesitated before beginning. “I have been doing some research and making phone calls in the car today. I discovered that I can transfer my credit hours to the University of Kentucky in the winter semester. When I get home, I have to go see my academic advisor and he is going to help me complete the transfer forms,” he stopped talking as if he were opening up the moment for me to say something.
I was stunned. While Ryan and his family had been traveling home, he had been on his phone finding another way to be with me. My heart had never been so full in my entire life.
“Are you serious?” I asked slowly.
I couldn’t think of any words that would express just how I felt about what he just said. Ryan was about to leave his entire life in New Jersey and come down here to an unknown place just to be with me.
“Ryan, I can’t ask you to do that. You already are enrolled in school back at your home.” I was trying to fight him to understand that I didn’t want to be the reason he came here. I wasn’t even sure that I would be here. I had enrolled in pretty much every college in the United States.
“Don’t you understand? I have to be here because…” he paused and I knew he was struggling to say the right words. “Maddi, I need to be where you are. That is where my home is. I am in love with you, can’t you understand that I need to be with you?”
“Ryan, I care for you. So much it makes my heart hurt. But I can’t ask you to give up your life when I don’t even know where I will be. I have literally applied everywhere for school,” I argued. I wish I would just shut up, but the word vomit seemed to just pour out of my mouth. I wanted nothing more for Ryan to be with me, but I couldn’t give up my plan or ruin any plans he might have had.
“Did you really make plans? Talk with your family?” I asked.
“Yes. Are you upset?” Ryan asked, carefully.
“What?” I practically shouted. “Upset? Why would I be upset? This is fantastic news,” I cried out. Even though I was worried that this could cause problems for Ryan, my heart was refusing to allow me to say anything else to stop Ryan from coming back to Kentucky.
“Really?” Ryan said. I could hear the tension leaving his body. “I am so glad to hear you say that. My parents thought I was crazy at first, but I told them how I feel about you and as long as I agree to stay in school, they will support my decision. I am eighteen, so they can’t stop me, but I want their blessing too,” he finished.
This was the Ryan I had grown to love. The caring guy who was a little crazy, but had so much love to give it was insane.
“So, we will go to school together?” I asked.
“Yes, I have to start this next semester. My classes are paid for and it is too late to transfer now and get the classes I need for my business degree. I will come down on our Fall break and find an apartment. Baby, we get to be together,” he practically yelled out.
I wanted to jump through the phone and love him in ways I could only do with him physically, but instead, all I could do was smile and tell him how much I loved him.
We talked for a little while longer before Ryan had to get back to his family. Tomorrow I would have to pack up my room and move back to my dorm room. This time though, I wouldn’t be sad or feel lonely. I finally had something to truly look forward to and because of that, I was able to put a smile on my face and enjoy my last night in my home.
CHAPTER 9
Three whole months had passed since Ryan had returned back home. As agreed, we texted during class, talked on the phone while we drove and hung out, and made Facetime calls every night and morning. We made sure that we saw the others face before we went to bed and as the first thing we saw in the mornings.
My journalism classes were keeping me busy as was finding time to see Reagan and Mariah when I could. I had my weekly phone calls with my parents just to keep the peace, but our conversations never lasted more than a few minutes and always ended with them asking if I needed money. Being college was hard, but not having Ryan here for me to lean on was the most difficult part of all. I had grown anxious over the last few days as I began anticipating Ryan’s arrival. He was going to fly down here for a few days to meet his new academic adviser, enroll in classes, and find an apartment.
Both of us wanted to find something we could share, but my parents were adamant that they would only pay my bills if I stayed in the dorms. They had only met Ryan once over our summer together. I had taken him to the country club because I knew they would be surrounded by their friends and not be able to make fools of themselves or me. Of course, he had met Reagan and Mariah, but I wanted to keep Ryan protected in our own little world as long as I could.
As I walked across campus, I heard my phone ringing from inside my bag
. Stopping in the middle of the busy walkway, I fumbled for my phone. The sky was a perfect shade of blue and the sun was providing a nice warmth in the September afternoon. I absolutely loved this campus. It was the perfect mixture of old world and new world mixed together. Finally reaching my phone, I quickly slide my finger across the screen to accept the call before the person hung up.
“Hey, Maddi,” Ryan’s voice rang into my ears.
“Hey Ryan,” I said as I shifted my bag on my shoulder and continued walking.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
It had become our afternoon ritual for Ryan to call me after my last class of the day. He liked to talk to me as I walked back to my dorms. Even though he knew campus was busy and safe, it always made him nervous to think of me walking alone- even in broad daylight.
“Oh you know, just robbed a bank,” I laughed.
“Very funny,” Ryan chuckled. “You know you would be the worst bank robber in the history of bank robbers,” he joked.
“Hey, not nice,” I teased back.
“I am just saying, you are way too sweet. You would probably either get into an argument and then give the money back feeling guilty,” he stated.
I hated that he was more than likely correct in his assumption.
“Oh well, I guess we will never know,” I giggled.
“I can’t wait to see you,” Ryan added, with a sigh.
“I know, I miss you so much. We only have a few more days left,” I replied, as I crossed the street toward the dorms.
“I wish you would hurry up. Oh and you look really sexy in that tight, red shirt,” Ryan said.
Glancing down at my outfit, I wasn’t sure how he knew what I had been wearing. Did I tell him earlier?
As I made my way across the parking lot, my heart began to speed up and my body began to shake with a strong nervous energy. Ryan was close by. I could feel him.
My head shot up just in time to spot Ryan leaning against my Honda in the parking lot.
Shock wasn’t even the right word for what I felt. I had just talked to Ryan hours ago and now he was standing right in front of me. Where I could touch him. Hold him. Kiss him.
Dropping my bag to the pavement I sprinted across the parking lot and jumped right into Ryan’s arms. Swinging me around, he caught me and held me close as he trailed kisses all over my face and neck. I couldn’t take my hands off of his body in fear if I did, he would disappear right in front of me.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, as he slowly put my feet back on the ground.
“I had to come back here. I know I still had a few days left of classes, but I took my midterms and there was nothing left for me to do. I had to be where you are. I couldn’t be there anymore without you,” Ryan said, as his eyes bore into mine. “I only get a few days until I have to return, but I just had to see you.”
“I found an apartment online and I am going to tour it tomorrow. As long as it is not infested with rats, I will take it. I will make sure to get it now so that when I come back permanently in the winter, it will be mine. It’s just right down the road here, so I can walk you to classes and be with you all the time.”
Ryan’s face beamed with pride and although my heart was full with happiness to have him back with me, there was something a little unsettling about what he had just said. I wanted to be with him too, but did I want to be with him all of the time? I guess I would just have to worry about that later.
“Ryan, don’t you think you are moving a little fast. I mean, you haven't officially been accepted to U.K just yet. Plus, we are making this whole long distance thing work,” I paused, as I watched his face drop.
My heart ached as I saw the hurt wash over him. I loved Ryan with every being of my body and soul, but I needed to finish school and live my life too. He needed to do the same, but it was clear he wasn’t seeing this the way I was.
“Do you not want me to move here?” he asked, his voice breaking with anguish.
“That’s not what I said,” I argued back. He was getting this all wrong.
“Not exactly, but I am willing to give up my entire life to move here and be with you. Why aren't you excited about this?” Ryan questioned me, with a faraway look in his eyes.
“I am excited,” I said, moving closer to him. Grabbing his hands, I squeezed to let him know I was still with him- in every way. “Baby, you have to understand. We are so young. We have our entire lives to be together. All I am asking is that you slow down and we will figure this all out together,” I finished, gazing into his eyes.
Nodding his head, Ryan seemed to understand my sentiment. “Okay, I can understand that. You just scared me for a moment,” he said with a sigh.
“See,” I said, pulling him in for a kiss, “I told you that you had nothing to worry about.”
Ryan seemed pleased by this and smiled a large smile before he scooped me up in his arms and after I directed him to my dorm room, we spent the rest of the afternoon and well into the evening making love and memorizing every inch of each other's bodies.
***
With Ryan in town for a few days, I had little time for anything else. He was flying back to New Jersey on Sunday, so I promised I would spend all of my time with him at the hotel he had booked for the weekend. I knew I couldn’t get away with sneaking a boy into my dorm room, so he had just thought ahead and got us a beautiful suite in Lexington.
We went to dinner, caught a movie at the theater, and spent the rest of the time making up for lost time in our room.
CHAPTER 10
While Ryan was in town, we went to see a movie and just spent time together. When he left Sunday evening, I was sad to see him go but happy for once to be on my own and able to focus on what I need to do for me.
It has been an absolute travesty that throughout my entire life I have allowed my parents and boyfriends to dictate what I do and what makes me happy in their eyes. Now, as I move forward with another semester of college, have a path set in sight for what I want to do with my life, and a love like no other I have ever experienced or could have dreamed, I am finally happy. My own kind of happy.
With a new semester started, I was busy with papers and essays. Why I had decided to study Journalism was now lost on me. With the reading, projects, tests, and essays due each week, I was swamped with school work.
So, when Reagan invited me to a party Saturday night, I had no other option but to say yes. I needed a break and a little time to relax.
“Girl, I am so excited to have a night off work. I need some free time to just forget about my shitty life,” Reagan shouted, as she barged into my dorm room.
Laughing, I spun around to greet her. I had just finished the last touch-ups on my makeup and was checking myself in the mirror. I hadn't been out anywhere other than class in months and I hadn't dressed in anything cute or sexy since I saw Ryan last. I needed to look good for myself, to feel good about myself. This had nothing to do with impressing anyone else. Damn, a girl had to feel good about herself sometimes.
“Me too,” I said, as I reached for my phone and small purse.
“Damn girl, you look hot. I mean, smoking,” Reagan said, as she pretended to fan herself.
I looked down at my outfit and realized she was right. I was wearing a skin-tight black dress and black heels that made me feel a foot taller. My heart was slicked back in a high ponytail that showed off my face. Reagan didn’t look so bad herself. In a red mini skirt and silver tank top that allowed her breasts to practically overflow, she looked like a million bucks.
“I think we both look sexy as hell,” I beamed, as I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of my room.
I needed to get away from college textbooks and anything that made me feel like I was grown and had responsibilities. Stopping before my door was closed, I threw my phone back into the room and watched it land on my bed.
“What are you doing?” Reagan asked, as she looked at me like I was crazy.
“I just want to disconnect w
ith everyone tonight. This is just going to be a fun night with my best friend,” I said, as I closed my door and began walking down the hall.
Giving me a sly smile, Reagan linked her arm with mine and together we made our way across campus to where the party was being held at a frat house. As we headed across campus, I inhaled the sweet scent of the night air. A cool breeze was blowing through the black air as the cool fall weather was bringing in the winter months. Streetlights glowed down on us as we walked the path across the expansive campus. All around us people were walking and laughing in groups as they too headed out for a fun Saturday night.
“Tell me something,” I started, as we walked up the steps to the house. “How come you know about a party at the college I am attending and I didn’t know?” I asked.
Laughing, Reagan threw her head back. “Maddi, are you serious? First, I go to a community college but I do hear about other parties. Second, I have a life and get out as much as I can. And, third, you are so love struck with your New Jersey boy-toy and focused on school right now that you don’t see what is going on around you. The world is living and you are just stuck in your everyday routines. But don’t worry, you have me to pull you out and force you to have fun,” she finished as she shoved me through the front door.
I wanted to turn around and smack my friend but I thought better. As we entered the house, loud music attacked my ears. A group of people were dancing on a makeshift dance floor as their alcoholic beverages splashed all over their grinding bodies.
As we made our way through the maze of people, Reagan began waving at a cute, blonde hair boy across the room. From the way he was smiling and waving back, it was clear they were into each other and he was more than likely the person who had invited us tonight.
“Who is that?” I asked, nudging her arm.
“That is Carter. He invited us tonight. He has some hot friends,” she said as she licked her lips.