Ties That Bind

by Neeny Boucher

  Bonnie and Mandy cast sideways glances at one another. “Dina hasn’t told us what happened, Riley,” Mandy said quietly. “She couldn’t speak about it. Look, we love you like a brother-”

  “You love him like a brother,” Bonnie countered. “I don’t. You’ve caused Dina too much pain and I don’t trust you.”

  Mandy put a warning hand on Bonnie’s arm. “To a certain extent, I agree with Bonnie. I don’t trust you with Dina anymore either. If you want us to trust you, then you need to tell us what happened.”

  Riley died a thousand deaths inside. After he told them this, they wouldn’t help him. Hell, they’d never want to look at him again.

  Standing here in front of Dina’s two best friends, he weighed up the pros and cons, deciding that this wasn’t about him. It was about doing what was right for her and she needed the support of her two best friends.

  “Okay,” he nodded. “I’ll tell you. It’s… bad and I’m not going to pull any punches. I’m telling you for her, because she needs you.”

  **********

  “You asshole!” Bonnie seethed. “You did that? You told her that? What the fuck were you thinking?”

  “He wasn’t thinking properly,” Jed sighed. “He was sick. You don’t know what it’s like when he gets like that and it was the worst I’ve ever seen him.”

  Mandy sat in silence. Her eyes wide and her beautiful face a mask of horror. “I’m going to pray for you, Riley,” she tried to smile, but failed. “Thank you for being honest. I’m sure that was really difficult for you.”

  Understatement of the year; retelling the story hadn’t been cathartic. In fact, it was the opposite. He felt lessened as a human being and deservedly so.

  “Hmph!” Bonnie sneered. “Honest people do dishonest things and even liars tell the truth sometimes. What are you, Riley?”

  “I think that’s a bit harsh,” Mandy countered. “We asked him to tell us what he did and he has. It didn’t sound like the pretty version to me.”

  “He’s trying to do the right thing,” Jed pleaded. “It wasn’t easy for him to come here and tell you what he did. God knows he’s dumb enough to want to do the right thing and smart enough to be terrified of it. Surely, he should get the chance to apologize to Christina in person? If she wants to tell him to piss off after that, then that’s her call.”

  The two women walked away to confer in semi-private. They were hissing and pointing fingers at one another. Shaking their heads and rolling their eyes, arms were crossed and lips were pursed. As time wore on, however, Riley could see their reluctance diminishing.

  “Okay,” Bonnie nodded, folding her arms. “We’ll give you your chance, but we really don’t know where she is.” Shit. This was all for nothing.

  “She’s in Italy,” Mandy smiled. “Bonnie’s right. We don’t know where exactly, but I think we can all guess where’s she’s going to be.”

  Riley’s stared at the women out of his one good eye, trying to figure out the riddle. Italy? He searched his mind for any hints Dina had given him about places she wanted to go and he came up blank.

  Bonnie arched an eyebrow. “You don’t think this is going to get in the way of her seeing her niece or nephew? She just needs some time out, but wild horses couldn’t keep her away from that baby.”

  Of course, the baby! He gave himself a virtual uppercut for being such a dunce. Dina would never let anything get in the way of something so important, not when it meant the world to Johnny.

  Riley smiled, thanking the women before he and Jed left the building. LiLi was due at the end of the month. It gave him some time to put some plans into action.

  “Where to?” Jed grinned.

  “Back to my place to get some ice on this eye and then we’re going to New York,” Riley smiled. “Nate Donovan’s got a business proposition for me. He owns the network that runs Entertain You and his partner is Lana Hamilton. I’m going to hear him out. Hell, I might take him up on his offer, but there’s going to be a price.”

  Jed rolled his eyes. “Is that wise, Machiavelli? Hasn’t your desire for payback got you in the shite already?”

  Riley nodded. It had, but this was different. “There has to be a sacrifice, Jed, and Lana Hamilton is it. She brought this to our doorstep. Now, she’s going to get a taste of her own medicine.”

  There was something else he needed to do too and he’d been putting it off because he’d been acting like a prick. He took his mother’s advice about finding a middle ground seriously and he knew the perfect person to start with. “I’m also going to see Bianca,” Riley confessed.

  “NO!” Jed hissed. “Why? You can’t go running back into that girl’s arms because it hasn’t worked out with Dina!”

  Wow. If this was the conclusion Jed came to, Riley realized he really was a reprehensible human being. Coughing slightly, Riley frowned. “I’m not doing that. She’s still in my apartment and won’t move until she gets closure. I never gave it to Dina, but maybe I can give it to B? I am actually trying to make amends here and be a better person!”

  Jed laughed awkwardly and changed the subject. “By the way,” he snorted. “That was a beautiful punch. You’re getting slow. Two months, ago she’d have never got through your guard. Time for you to get your conditioning back so you don’t get beat up by girls.”

  “Girls?” Riley retorted. “Bonnie Howard is the She-Hulk. There’s no shame in getting beat up by Bonnie.”

  “Keep telling yourself that,” Jed laughed.

  “Shut up!” Riley scowled. This would become part of Shanwick folklore: Psycho finally got knocked on his ass and it was by a woman. He was never going to live it down, so he may as well just get over it and accept it.

  Chapter Twenty-Three: Untethered

  Christina, Roma, The Present, Saturday, February 16, 2013

  “Johnny’s in Rome,” Gabby grinned. “We could go and see him. I’m sure he’d give us tickets.”

  Christina, Gabby, and Andy had been in Italy for four weeks, traveling from one end of the country to the other. Christina couldn’t have better company and she thanked the universe for Gabby and Andy every day. They kept her spirits up and never pushed for more than she was willing to give. She knew she was their ‘special project,’ keeping her occupied and entertained, but for once she didn’t mind.

  The only time she was alone was at night in her hotel room. She still hadn’t come to terms with what happened between her and Riley. In fact, she tried not to think about it, but thoughts of him were never far from the surface. She felt guilty using his money, but this time-out had been an oasis in an emotional desert.

  The first two weeks they’d spent on food tours, savoring the culinary delights. They’d eaten their way through Tuscany, Umbria, Naples, and Sicily. It cured Christina’s lack of appetite and she suspected this was Gabby’s rationale. Trying to explain to Italians she wasn’t hungry hadn’t endeared her to the locals and she’d learned very quickly it was culturally offensive.

  The next two weeks had been a feast for the soul. They’d taken a two-week round-trip from Rome, seeing every sight imaginable and Christina couldn’t decide what her favorite was: the Duomo in Florence, the Uffizi, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the gondolas in Venice, the sunsets and landscapes, or the warmth of the people. Even in winter, Italy was ‘perfecto’.

  Now they were in beautiful Rome, the eternal city, sitting near the Fontana di Trevi. People threw coins into the fountain, wishing for love or a promise to return to Rome. Love.

  It was a concept that plagued her empty nights over and over, like a C.D. skipping on her favorite song. She concluded that love and hate were different sides of the same coin. She once thought she’d understood true love, but now, she realized she’d just been a fool.

  The band was holding a concert and Johnny’s pictures were everywhere, reminding her that love came in many forms. His relationship with LiLi made him Italy’s adopted son and the impending birth of their child was receiving national attention, with ev
ery detail scrutinized. It felt strange to be in the same city as Johnny and not make their presence known.

  “I’d love to see Johnny,” Christina said wistfully. The thought of Johnny made her heart hurt. She missed him like an ache, but it brought up everything else. All the other stuff she’d been carefully avoiding and she had no idea who would be with the band.

  “I’m just not sure,” she added. “I don’t know who’ll be with him. What if-”

  “I’ll check their website,” Gabby said gently, opening her laptop. Gabby and Andy regularly kept up with world events, but Christina opted out. The only evidence she was still alive was the postcards she sent sporadically to her loved ones.

  Traveling had opened her eyes to a big wide world and once this trip was over, she wasn’t going home. She hadn’t told Gabby or Andy yet. It was a heart decision and not a rational one.

  Christina didn’t have much in the way of funds, but she did have a European passport, meaning she could work and travel. And avoid Riley, like the big coward she was, for the rest of her life.

  She knew she’d have to face him one day, but she wasn’t ready, and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be. The thought gave her a physical, visceral reaction. How would it go? Would they act like they were familiar strangers and none of this had ever happened?

  ‘Hey! Remember that time we were so in love and then you went away, came back, and told me things that nearly gave me a nervous breakdown?’ No. There was no frame of reference for this. Time wouldn’t erase this, but it might diminish the pain.

  “Dina,” Gabby said quietly. “I think you need to see this.” She played a clip of Johnny performing an acoustic version of U2’s “One Love”, with a heavily pregnant, radiant LiLi by his side.

  It was one of her mother’s favorite songs and they’d sung this as a family at her funeral. The dedication brought tears to her eyes. To Dina and Gabby: Family, One Love.

  Johnny was hurting and reaching out the only way he knew how, trying to put his family back together. “We need to see him,” Christina choked out. “We have to put this behind us.”

  “Wait,” Gabby murmured. “There’s one more.” And suddenly there he was, Riley, being interviewed on television.

  The sight and sound of him hit every part of her being. She moaned out loud, her hands shaking, and her breathing erratic. Andy stood beside her, touching her arm in solidarity, as she drank in the details of Riley.

  He looked better than the last time she’d seen him. He was more vital and polished, less feral and less crazed. And this hurt more than she’d ever imagined possible.

  “This was first posted two weeks ago,” Gabby said. “It’s all over the Net. He’s taking responsibility for “Magnificent” and the lyrics.”

  Christina was touched, but it didn’t absolve the stain of that horrible encounter. It had traumatized her so badly, she couldn’t speak about it, even though the rational part of her told her she should. She knew it was ridiculous, but she still felt some loyalty to Riley and an obligation to keep the ugliness private.

  “It looks like he’s got a black eye,” Andy frowned. “I wonder how he got that?” Staring closer at the screen, Christina agreed.

  “He’s saying sorry, Dina,” Gabby added. “He’s trying. None of this makes sense to me. I know how much he loves you. He always has and I know how much you love him. And I know this isn’t just about the lyrics, so are you ever going to tell me what happened?”

  Tears fell down Christina’s cheeks, before she realized what was happening. “I can’t, Gabby,” she cried, wiping her hands across her face. “It’s not my story to tell. You’ll have to ask him.”

  “Okay,” Gabby nodded. “But you need to express what’s going on inside of you. If you can’t speak about it, you need to voice it somehow. Sing it.”

  Christina shook her head, but Gabby grabbed her arm. “Dina, I’ve never seen you more happy and alive than when you sing. You’re like Johnny and Dad. Music speaks to you in a way that it doesn’t to other people and that’s a gift. I don’t want you to shut yourself off. When you don’t sing, you’re reserved, and it’s like you’re adrift in this world. Music is your anchor. It opens your heart.”

  “I’m not sure that’s a good thing,” Christina choked out. “It won’t change anything. I didn’t think I could be hurt any more, but I was wrong. I’m worried that I’ll never be the same again.”

  “Maybe that’s true,” Andy added. “But change isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I’ve seen you sing, Martin. You’re awesome and if it’s a way to channel some of your pain, I think you should do it. Be a butterfly.”

  Okay. That was nearly perfect, apart from the butterfly comment. With Christina’s luck, she’d probably end up as a petrified slug, forever caught in transformation.

  It struck her that music was as much her first love as Riley. She’d buried this part of herself for so long, but music had always known her true self. It whispered its magic, calling forth long buried dreams. Music was her feelings in sound; each rhythm, beat and note a melody to her life.

  Music recognized her, embracing her as one of its own. Even though she’d turned her back on it, music called to her, refusing to let her go. The songs in her heart right now were sad songs, but over time that might change.

  “You need to mourn, Dina,” Gabby insisted. “Allow yourself some kind of period where you grieve and then let it go. You don’t have to be in emotional stasis forever. It’s not healthy. You need to do something symbolic, something personal to you, and once it’s over, you bury it.”

  It was so clear, simple and beautiful. It also made perfect sense. “You’re right,” Christina nodded. “I never grieved the first time and I should have. I’m going to mourn and move on.”

  If she’d learned anything from the past it was that ignoring it didn’t work. She hadn’t exorcised it, but carried it around with her like poltergeists. It was time to give her past a dignified burial and release it, so that something new could come into her life.

  “If you had to choose a song right now,” Gabby asked gently. “Just one that explains exactly how you’re feeling, what would it be?”

  “‘Breathe Me’ by Sia,” she responded without thinking. “‘Jar of Hearts’, by Christina Perri, anything by Adele. I’ve got a list.”

  “Of course, you do,” Gabby smiled. “It could probably fill albums. Let’s get you singing.”

  They left Rome that afternoon without seeing Johnny because Christina was worried her fragile state may upset him before his concert. Andy and Gabby threw coins in the fountain, as a gesture of their love and commitment, but Christina walked past it. She had true love and didn’t welcome it back.

  **********

  Riley, New York, Saturday, February 16, 2013

  Riley stood outside Recette restaurant watching Bianca through the window. This had been one of ‘their’ favorite brunch places and it was no coincidence he’d asked Bianca to meet him here. He was drawing on their history in a place that was familiar to do something unfamiliar: attempt to make amends with a former lover.

  Bianca was a beautiful woman, with her chocolate brown hair and hazel eyes. Delicate and refined, her smile and laugh lit up a room. She was singularly the most hopeful and positive person he’d ever met.

  Her warm personality attracted everyone to her, including the waiting staff. They hovered around her, ensuring she was well looked after. Her mannerisms were achingly familiar: a gentle touch, her smile, and words of encouragement.

  Looking in, Riley had a Sliding Doors moment: if Gabby hadn’t happened, if he hadn’t gone with Johnny to Seattle, if he hadn’t seen Christina outside the hospital. If. He wouldn’t have gone back to New York and broken Bianca’s heart, leaving her like debris in his wake.

  She’d begged, pleaded, and cried as he’d stuffed clothing in a bag. When she asked him why he was doing this, he couldn’t explain it. Mumbling his excuses, Riley uttered empty phrases. “I can’t do this. It’s not working
. I need space,” pulling out of her desperate grasp on his arm.

  He’d walked out of their apartment with her cries of “Why? Talk to me” and “don’t do this,” echoing in his ears. Why? He couldn’t even articulate why to himself, let alone anyone else. Seeing Christina had been like coming face to face with the truth.

  If. If that hadn’t happened, he would have married this woman and started a family. He was gearing up to propose to Bianca last Christmas. He’d even designed a ring and he knew she’d been planning their wedding.

  He would be staying in New York and not moving to Seattle. His life with Bianca would be peaceful and sedate. And it would have been a slow death, where he gave up pieces of himself over time until there was nothing left.

  Then there was never. Bianca would never challenge him or cut him with her wit. She’d never make him look at the world in a different way or change him at his core.

  He would never burn for her. His soul would never ache, nor his heart beat fast in recognition at the sight of her. He would never love her so much that he couldn’t staunch the bleeding when he lost her.

  **********

  “Hi,” Bianca breathed at him. Her smile wavered and her luminous hazel eyes blinked back tears. “It’s good to see you.”

  Riley sat opposite her, taking her in. Her hands were clenched on the table and out of habit he reached over squeezing one before he drew back. Her hand shook, the dimple in her cheek winking in and out, as she tried to keep herself together.

  “Hi,” he smiled back, as if they were two old acquaintances instead of two people that had nearly coupled up for life. “You look… well.”

  She’d lost weight and she didn’t have much to begin with. There was tightness evident in her face that hadn’t been there before. For someone as composed and well-mannered as Bianca, this meeting must be deeply uncomfortable, but he knew she’d agreed to it for him.

  They sat in semi-companionable silence eating their food and exchanging meaningless pleasantries. Bianca ordered a bottle of wine and he suspected she was about to borrow some courage to have an in vino veritas conversation.