Crusch replied, “We had a contract, and at the very least, I have exchanged words with him. I could never treat him in an uncouth manner. I believe things will be difficult from here, however…”
Rem glanced at the faintly smiling Subaru, grasping the hem of her apron in a display of resolve.
“I am…prepared for that.”
Just as Crusch had gloomily pointed out, she knew there were many hardships to come. Even so, Rem had appointed herself to be the one who would walk with Subaru through thick and thin.
After all, she’d never forgotten what he had said to her long ago.
Let’s laugh, hug each other, and talk about tomorrow. I’ve always dreamed of laughing with a demon and talking about the future.
She’d remembered that scene in her head many times, tens of times, hundreds of times over.
That was why she could give Subaru no less than what he had given to her. For what she had received was too precious for any sum of money to ever repay.
Crusch lowered her eyes and shook her head.
“I regret that I was unable to fulfill your request.”
Rem smiled a little. She was grateful for Crusch’s considerate words, especially then, when she felt ready to crumble.
“It is all because of our shortcomings— Though this chapter has reached an unfortunate result, I pray that you will do many great things, now and in the future, Lady Crusch.”
“And you as well. Tell Emilia, ‘Let us both fight to bring no disgrace to our souls.’”
With that exchange, Rem keenly felt that her duty in that place had come to an end. Subaru’s treatment had been abandoned before it was over, and she wasn’t able to fulfill Roswaal’s secret command.
She would no doubt be sternly scolded for scurrying back. Even so, she had to return to the mansion…for Subaru’s sake.
“Ferri understands you’re returning to the mansion, but do mew have any leads for treatment?”
Rem held back the regret in her voice and replied to Ferris’s question with her single ray of hope.
“At the very least, if he can meet Lady Emilia…”
No matter how much she spoke to him, how much she touched him, how much she continued in vain, the boy never responded to Rem with his usual Subaru-like reactions. But even in this state, sometimes words rich with meaning would tumble out of Subaru’s mouth.
“Names…”
“Mmm?”
“From time to time, he says names. My name, Sister’s. And…”
She was happy that her own name was among those he whispered. On the other hand, the fact that he didn’t respond when she called his made her sad.
Though much of his behavior was meaningless, the name he murmured with the most frequency was…
“—Lady Emilia’s. If he is able to meet her, perhaps it will change him somehow.”
“But Ferri heard they parted on really bad terms. It hasn’t even been four days since then; is that enough time for her to calm down, meow? If you could wait a little longer… Ah, you really can’t, huh?”
“I am well aware that Lady Emilia has a poor understanding of her own heart. However, this is no longer something I can decide on my own. I must return and receive instructions…”
Rem’s words, full of concern for her lord and master, were for the purpose of deceiving her own heart. She was hiding what she truly desired, burying it under her duties as a servant. After all, it pained her to the point of tears that she was not enough to save his heart and mind.
Abruptly, Crusch lifted her face and narrowed her eyes.
“—Wilhelm has arrived.”
Following Crusch’s gaze, Rem saw that a dragon carriage was entering the courtyard of the villa from the iron gates. A familiar aged gentleman was sitting in the driver’s seat.
Crusch continued, “At the moment, this is the only long-distance dragon carriage that my house is able to lend. I cannot reveal the details, but a large number of these vehicles have been required for another matter of late.”
Ferris followed up, “You’re in luck, meow. If you head along the Liphas Highway, you should get back to the mansion before tomeowrrow. It might take you half a day’s travel, give or take.”
Rem, watching the dragon carriage’s arrival, thought that the rays of the sun high above were dazzling indeed.
Since it was around noon now, an all-out carriage ride would mean arriving back at the mansion around midnight. If they were close to the manor, her shared consciousness with Ram would no doubt inform her sister of their return.
“Thank you very much for your kindheartedness.”
Crusch replied, without a single hint of false pleasantries, “I do not mind. It is still a far cry from what I would normally be able to provide, so I can only hope that this modest offering nonetheless accommodates your needs.”
Rem thought that getting to know Crusch as a person might have been one of the few happy things she’d gained from the time she had spent there.
“Then this time I must excuse mys—”
As Rem was stating her final farewell, Crusch interrupted her.
“Rem.”
When Rem stopped, she saw indecision in Crusch’s eyes for the very first time. The duchess continued, “This is extremely inelegant of me…but there is something I wish to ask.”
“Yes, what is it?”
“Why do you strive for Subaru Natsuki so?”
Watching Rem and the boy leaning against her, emotion vanished from Crusch’s amber eyes. She continued, “The relationship between you and Subaru Natsuki is not the master-retainer relationship Ferris and I share. I simply find it distasteful to judge men and women by appearances alone.”
“—”
With Rem falling into silence, the tone of Crusch’s voice dropped, as if she was apologizing for her own lack of clarity.
“I do not mind if you do not wish to answer. I am embarrassed to even ask.”
Ferris silently watched his master as Rem shook her head at both of them.
“No, I am not hesitating to answer. I am simply unsure about what words I should use— It is a difficult thing to explain.”
When she was on the verge of putting it into words, she felt it change into something else entirely.
It was natural for Crusch to have doubts. What existed inside Rem didn’t stay the same for even a second. Its size, strength, and heat shifted from moment to moment, putting down its roots inside Rem.
She didn’t want to come out and say it. She couldn’t come out and say it. How, then, to describe something formless inside Rem to another person?
“I suppose it is because…Subaru is special?”
“—”
Rem didn’t really understand if that qualified as an answer or not. However, she felt like that response best exemplified what was at the bottom of her own heart.
“Did something…happen to both of you?”
As she supported Subaru, putting a hand to her chest, she inclined her head at the lack of a reaction.
When she looked, both Crusch and Ferris were standing there, gaping with somewhat surprised expressions. Rem had a gnawing feeling that their reactions might indicate she’d said something rude.
Master and servant traded gazes, nodding to each other.
“I am sorry. I am somewhat astounded at what I was doing.”
“No, nooo, it was unavoidable. Ferri was surprised, too. Like…Rem, you weren’t even there for the talks at the royal palace…”
Rem didn’t really understand what they were saying. However, Crusch seemed satisfied with her reply as she stated, “I apologize for my impolite and unrefined question. I’m very sorry—Subaru Natsuki is a lucky man.”
Crusch was smiling a little. Ferris followed up teasingly, “He really is. If he ever gets his senses back, Ferri has to tease him about it, meow.”
They had conveyed, by fairly undiplomatic means, that they wished for Subaru’s recovery, so Rem gave them a small smile rich in gratitude.
The two sent her off.
“Be in good health.”
“Good luck, meow!”
Rem gave them both one deep, final bow before leading Subaru by the hand out of the Crusch villa. Wilhelm, waiting at the gates, greeted her with a nod as he offered her the reins. She accepted them, bowing to the aged gentleman in return.
“You have also been exceptionally benevolent to us, Master Wilhelm.”
“Not at all. Words wasted on these old bones. Besides, I feel as powerless as my master. It never occurred to me to do something before this happened.”
Wilhelm narrowed his eyes as he watched Subaru, his pupils filled with complex emotions.
Now that Rem thought about it, the old man was probably the person at the Crusch villa who’d had the most contact with Subaru. Though it had been for a mere four days, one might say that the sword training had given the two a relationship as master and pupil. Perhaps Wilhelm felt regret that he could not save Subaru, either.
He commented, “It would seem I have indeed not advanced a single step since that time…”
Wilhelm murmured to himself, apparently gazing through Subaru at something off in the distance.
“Master Wilhelm?”
When Rem called out to the older man, he blinked and shook his head.
“Pardon me. There is nothing I can do, but I shall at least pray for Sir Subaru’s convalescence. Miss Rem, take due care while traveling that path.”
Rem did her best to ignore the faint, fleeting anxiety in the aged gentleman’s eyes at the end.
“Thank you very much. Be in good health, Master Wilhelm.”
Even at the best of times, Rem was more awkward than other people. She could only reach out with both hands and do one thing at a time. And now, she’d decided just what her hands would support.
“Subaru, this way.”
“…U, aa?”
Supporting his wobbly body, she hoisted Subaru up from behind and sat him in the driver’s seat. Rem took her place beside him, accepting Subaru’s presence atop the cramped-feeling seat. She sat right up against him, wrapping her left arm around his hip and firmly grasping the reins with her right hand.
“It might be a little cramped, but please bear with it.”
They would have to race in this posture for a long, long time. Rem was worried about the strain on Subaru, but she would also need to protect him after they arrived back at the mansion. Roswaal and the others were unlikely to give him a warm welcome.
If Subaru would be without other allies, Rem had to be the one he could count on.
“Because…I will always be by your side, Subaru. Always.”
Rem, deeply hardening her resolve, snapped the reins, and the land dragon began to race along the ground. As the mansion receded behind them, the elderly gentleman watched them go.
Slowly, the carriage’s wheels gradually turned faster and faster. Rem felt the sensation through the reins, as if the wheels themselves were expressing the state of her heart.
4
—Setting out from the royal capital, the journey to the Mathers dominion was a comparatively quiet one.
Rem had been concerned about Subaru acting up, but fortunately there was nearly no sign of that while atop the dragon carriage. Yes, Rem was right at his side, limiting his movements, but he spent the majority of the time quietly in his seat, gazing absentmindedly at the scrolling landscape.
So far as she could tell, the mental issues that caused his laughter and tears had also lessened. Perhaps the change in scenery had produced some small change in Subaru’s heart as well. Hope sprouted in Rem’s chest that Subaru really might be able to recover. However, the scent of the miasma tickling her nose dashed cold water on her heart’s expectations.
“—”
Gradually, having Subaru’s head resting on her own shoulder brought a faint smile to Rem’s lips. In truth, she was happy that he was defenseless, guileless, completely entrusting his whole body to her.
Rem knew that this Subaru was not his normal self and that what he was doing was not of his actual will. Even so, having him rely on her like that was the pinnacle of joy.
“Subaru, this way, a little farther.”
“…Mm, u.”
Close enough feel his breath, Rem pulled Subaru’s body even deeper into her own. Atop the narrow driver’s seat, they had half-melted into each other already, but Rem instead rested Subaru upon her own left knee. Her right hand firmly re-gripped the reins as she secured his body in place.
Rem was thoughtfully doing as much as she could to prevent Subaru from pushing himself during the drive. She let him occupy most of the cramped driver’s seat; when Subaru’s snoring seemed troubled, she lent him a reassuring hand; sometimes she would stop the dragon carriage to get Subaru to drink some water and assist him with physical necessities.
Moving by dragon carriage put a not-insignificant burden upon the driver. Paying close attention for over half a day at a time, a normal person would collapse from exhaustion before the journey was over as often as not. However, Rem’s physical body was made of sterner stuff than a normal person’s. Her mental endurance was also strong, and more than that, the fact that her labors were for Subaru’s sake was the best match to light a fire under her.
“By rights, I really shouldn’t put my personal feelings into it, though…”
Subaru, embracing her, made no reply. From the look of his profile, he was still hovering between dream and reality. Rem’s murmur was more for her own benefit than his.
“Perhaps remaining in the royal capital was not what you really wanted, but…in truth, I was just a little happy. I cannot have you to myself at the mansion, after all.”
At Roswaal Manor, the time that Rem could spend together with Subaru every day was fairly limited. After all, she had her hands full with work at the mansion while he was always off with someone or other.
“During work hours it is with Sister, in your free time, with Lady Emilia…and you even spend some of your limited time teasing Miss Beatrice… I had to put up with all that.”
“…Nn, hu.”
“You were always so busy; you never had time to stand still… At the mansion, you worked for the villagers and for me… In the royal capital, for Lady Emilia… Always, always so busy.”
So far as Rem knew, Subaru was always running and running, never at a standstill. Perhaps it was for someone else, perhaps it was for himself; there was no single reason. But seeing Subaru run to and fro like that put a single emotion into Rem’s heart.
“That’s why I was…just a tiny bit happy that I was able to have you all to myself at Lady Crusch’s mansion, even though I knew you had many worries. I’m sorry, Subaru.”
Subaru snored on, grimacing as Rem apologized with a faint smile. She softly caressed the forehead under his bangs, barely a tickle, and sighed slightly.
“Even though I heard that you had an argument with Lady Emilia. I’m sorry, Subaru.”
She apologized again. She was thinking back to the day of the royal selection assembly at the palace. Rem hadn’t actually been there, so she didn’t know exactly what Subaru and Emilia had said to each other when their relationship ruptured.
“After all, neither Lady Emilia nor Master Roswaal spoke to me in detail about it. The gist was, ‘Subaru is at the castle, go get him, he will be in the care of Lady Crusch…’ I was truly surprised when I met you at the castle after that, though.”
Nothing could make her forget the blow to her chest when she found Subaru’s haggard state in the waiting room at the castle. She was both concerned at his condition and convinced that he must not be left alone.
“That is why I am at your side as much as I can, Subaru. But half of it is out of worry, and the other half is for my own sake… Being around you has made me into a naughty girl, Subaru.”
Even though she ought to be thinking of him, it was there that she discovered her own joy.
It was always like that when she was with S
ubaru. She always discovered parts of herself that she didn’t know existed. Rem counted off on her fingers things that she had come to realize about her old self.
“I have discovered many unpleasant things about myself. I discovered that I am lonely when you are getting along well with Sister, I am annoyed when you speak to Lady Emilia with your face all red, and I think it most unfair when I see you playing with Miss Beatrice.”
But her present self hadn’t discovered only bad things by any measure.
“I am happy when you are getting along well with Sister. I think it is adorable when you speak to Lady Emilia with your face all red. When I see you playing with Miss Beatrice, I think, He’s so gentle… I have those kinds of warm feelings in me as well.”
She continued whimsically confessing things to herself as if the lack of a reply was a good thing. Rem’s words wouldn’t stop, with feelings flowing out of her that she could never have said to his face. That moment, the things normally trapped in her heart were pouring out all at once.
“I would never have discovered these feelings, both good and bad, if I were not with you, Subaru. That is why I have thought of my time with you as happy… That makes it difficult right now.”
Having expressed those warm thoughts, Rem bit her lip, lowering her head at her own meekness.
Even though such gloom had enveloped Subaru, Rem had been prepared for whenever he would spit it out. Had her passive stance not brought the current situation about? If they had grown so close, shouldn’t she have asked Subaru about his worries? And wasn’t her own weakness, her own desire to monopolize him, the reason why she had not done so?
As Rem brooded, Subaru turned in her arms, sleeping uneasily.
“Subaru, it is all right. Relax and go to sleep…”
Rem spoke in a gentle voice, breaking the train of thought that was devolving into self-hatred.
The forced march had indeed put quite a strain on his body. She’d meant to ride right through the night to reach the mansion, but it seemed better to camp somewhere for a short while. Since it would be midnight in another two to three hours, that pace would have them arriving at the mansion before the crack of dawn.
ReZERO_Starting Life in Another World Vol. 5 Page 15