She Was Mine: An Incapable Novella

by Marie Skye

  “Emmalin,” my name came out as a whisper. But I had already disconnected myself. I felt feverish. I felt numb. I felt like giving up, and that’s because I was. I thought back on the past year - everything I had gained and everything I had lost. Everything I had sacrificed. Every day I woke up, telling myself I was going to be strong, if not for me, then for my daughter. But, none of that did any good. I didn’t have the strength to keep fighting. I was tired. So very tired.

  I took a deep breath to prepare myself for the next words out of my mouth. “We can figure out a custody arrangement for Emersyn.” My voice was monotone, and I felt like I was drowning.

  “Emmalin, don’t do this.”

  I kept talking, because it was for the best. “We can try co-parenting until things are official.”

  His eyes grew wide as he searched mine. He slowly shook his head. “No. Tell me exactly what you’re saying, Emmalin. If you leave, you take my heart. You are my heart, Emmalin - you and our family. You’re not making this choice for me, like you did when you thought Carmen was back.”

  I forced another deep breath. “It’ll be an easy fight. I’m not asking for anything monetary, just to make sure our daughter is taken care of.” I wiped the fallen tears away.

  Grayson’s eyes darkened. “Don’t say that, you know divorce is not an option! Divorce is not an option, Emmalin! If you think I’m going to allow you to file and go through a custody battle with our daughter, then you, Mrs. Mandrake, have lost your damn mind.” Grayson was seething, his voice determined.

  My eyes steeled into his. “Then lawyer up.” I said it on a whisper, because I knew if I said it any louder, he would see right through me. He stepped back as if I had slapped him. We stood staring at each other for a few minutes, before he turned around, grabbed his keys, and then left.

  22

  Emmalin

  The nightmares I used to have almost on a daily basis came back tenfold. Some of them were old dreams coming back to haunt me, but now they featured Grayson and Claudia. Grayson caressing her swollen belly and smiling. Claudia looking toward me with the biggest smile on her face as she placed her hand on top of Grayson’s. He looked strangely happy. Oh, the irony.

  These dreams occurred almost on a nightly. It got to the point where I gave up on trying to sleep, only falling into a fitful slumber when I finally succumbed to exhaustion. I never felt rested, plagued by all of these dreams, which of course affected my daily life. My grades slowly began to drop, work lagged behind, Emersyn was fussy, and I was so stressed I couldn’t keep anything down.

  I was getting Emersyn’s things together so Magda could take Emersyn to go see Grayson. Every time Magda came over, she gave me the saddest smile. She stood at the door watching me while I packed a bag. “He misses you.”

  I froze at her words, because yeah, I missed him, too. I placed the last of the items in the bag and zipped it up.

  “Anything can be fixed,” she said. I didn’t say anything as she stepped closer to me and felt the side of my face. “You’re not warm, but you have something. Your eyes are sunken in, you’ve lost weight,” she sighed looking me up and down. She paused, and her eyes narrowed. I placed the bag in her hand, because frankly, I didn’t have time to decipher any of Magda’s riddles.

  “You don’t have to keep doing this, I’ll make other arrangements after this.” I went and got Emersyn out of her pack and play.

  “I don’t mind, you know I love that girl.” She opened her arms and I passed her the baby.

  “Yeah, but…” I paused. “It’s not right to put you in the middle of this, so I’ll handle it from here on out.”

  Magda looked up at me sadly. I felt like a dick for doing this, but I had to. I had to disconnect and remove myself from all of it. They weren’t going to be my family anymore, and that in itself killed me. They were the only family I had ever considered family. I now had to dismiss them. It was better that way. I gave Emersyn another kiss as I smoothed down her hair. “Be good for your dad, okay?”

  “Dada.”

  I paused. She finally said it. I smiled as I placed another kiss on top of her hair. “Yeah...dada.”

  Isabella took me to dinner later that day. More like she made me go. I was perfectly content to lock myself up in my room.

  “I’m about to go into carb overload here. Everything looks amazing,” Isabella said, as her eyes grew bigger trying to decide what to order. I looked down at my own menu, and my stomach turned. I sipped my lemon water, hoping that would help. She peered up at me. “You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

  “I’m good, just been busy.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me, and crossed her arms. “Too busy to sleep?”

  Before I could make up a plausible excuse, the server came to take our orders.

  “I’ll have the lobster ravioli.” Isabella smiled as she handed him the menu. He turned to me.

  I scanned it, because I obviously didn’t read a thing on it. In fact, I felt myself blanching at everything on here. I took a deep breath, hoping I could try to keep the queasiness down. “Just a cup of today’s soup.” He nodded, leaving us alone once again.

  I sat and listened as Isabella told me about work and how her latest client had horrible taste and she was trying to convince him that a certain color scheme wasn’t a great idea. I laughed when she laughed. I smiled when she smiled.

  I was stirring my soup over and over again, only have had taken a few bites. I was caught up in watching the vegetables swirl when Isabella placed her hand gently on mine. I glanced up startled, almost forgetting she was there.

  “Other than the elephant in the room, what else is going on?”

  I took a few deep breaths, before finally telling her.

  “I’m so happy for you!” I tried giving her a smile, but it came out sad. She frowned. “Honey? You should be thrilled right now.”

  “I am,” I said as I now played with the straw paper, I’d torn into pieces.

  “Then why does it look like you’d rather have been told you have weeks to live?” I stayed focus on the paper. Isabella sighed. “What did Grayson say? How did he take it? He must be ecstatic.”

  I shrugged. “I haven’t told him. It seems silly right now. Ridiculous even.”

  “What do you mean silly? I’m pretty sure this is something Grayson would want to know. By now he would be planning the nursery.”

  I cringed. Because he was planning a nursery. Just not for our baby. “It’s not the right time. He’s busy and stressed and dealing with the Claudia thing and they’re already having a…” I stopped my rambling. I couldn’t even bring myself to say it.

  She squeezed my hand. “I know everything is shit right now.” I gave her a look. “Okay, enormous shit, it sucks, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t want this. It’s a blessing.”

  “But what if I don’t want it? I asked him to leave. I don’t see how I can make this work between us.”

  She sighed, looking just as conflicted as I did. “So, you’re thinking of not having it? Sweetie, maybe it’s just your hormones right now. Plus, you’re overwhelmed.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, that’s an understatement. Overwhelmed that my soon to be ex-husband is having a baby with someone else. Oh, and let’s throw in that I’m pregnant, at the worst possible time.” I wiped away the pending tears that finally fell.

  It was quiet for a few minutes, as I stared at my now cold soup. “I’ll support you in whatever decision you make. I’ll even go with you. But please think on this.”

  I nodded, feeling even more confused as before.

  23

  Grayson

  Two Weeks Later

  It was just after midnight when a knock came at my door. “Hawkins. What’s going on? Everyone okay?”

  “Everyone’s fine. I wanted to see how you were.” He sat in the chair in front of me, seemingly assessing me. “Gwen said she spoke with Emmalin today.”

  My eyes lit up at the sound of her name. “How is she? Did
she sound okay?”

  He sighed. “Well, according to Gwen, she’s acting like she’s okay, but she’s not.” He paused giving me a look. “She’s a wreck, Grayson.”

  I stared at my desk before finally speaking. “She won’t talk to me. Not unless it’s about Flick, and even then, she barely says more than two sentences to me. I found out last week that Emmalin’s been sick. She came down with a bug of some sort, and I was pissed she didn’t tell me. When I confronted her about it, she said ‘it wasn’t my concern anymore.’”

  I sighed and got up, going over to my bar and making a drink. I held the bottle up to Hawkins, but he shook his head no. I went back to my chair. “I fucked up. I know I fucked up, and for the first time in my entire life, I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to do.”

  I stood up, going to the window overlooking all of Chicago. After a few minutes, I finally turned and faced Hawkins. “If there’s anything I do know, is that I won’t give her what she wants.” I shook my head, more so to convince myself. “I won’t. I told her once before, that the ring on her finger is never coming off. So, if she thinks she’s going to fight me on this one, then she has another thing coming. Divorce is not an option.”

  24

  Emmalin

  “Does Grayson know you’re doing this?”

  I paused and looked up into the worrying eyes of both Gwen and Isabella. They both looked as if they were on edge, and they had every reason to. For the past few weeks, if anyone thought I was moping around the house about my failing marriage, they had never been more wrong. They were all believing exactly what I needed them to believe.

  “Of course he doesn’t know, because he would stop this, and all of this would be pointless.”

  “Yeah, he would stop this, because you’ve gone crazy!”

  I glanced up at Isabella, who was now making me annoyed. I knew sharing this information with them would be futile.

  “What she means is mad. You’ve gone mad.” Gwen jabbed Isabella in the ribs and gave her a look. “Emmalin, you’re asking…”

  I didn’t let her finish. “I’m not asking either of you to do anything.” I snapped. “What, I am telling you both is to keep your mouth shut. This would make it a hell of a lot easier for me. So, I don’t care if Grayson finds out. By then it’ll already be done.” I looked to the both of them. “If you can’t be here as a friend, then please, leave now. I’m not holding any of you up.” They both looked to each other, then back at me. They were quiet. “You’re only job, as Emersyn’s godparents, is to make sure she’s taken care of should something happen.” I grabbed both of their hands, as my eyes pleaded with theirs. “Please. That’s your only job. I’m not asking for anything more.”

  Isabella gave me a hug. “Please be careful,” she whispered to me.

  I pulled back with a teary smile. “What’s the fun in that?”

  25

  Grayson

  “The hearing is tomorrow at five sharp, Mr. Mandrake.”

  I didn’t give any acknowledgement as I kept my attention on Flick. This was my time with Flick. My family. During this time, nothing else mattered. It could be raining fire outside, and none of that mattered when Flick was in my arms. The smile Flick gave me was a mirror to Emmalin. Everyone thinks Flick looks like me, but really, she doesn’t. She’s all her beautiful mother.

  A few more minutes and another knock came at the door. I sighed. My time with her was up. I hated this, oh how I fucking hated it. I kept telling myself it’s because I deserved it. I brought this upon my family. I scooped up Flick and headed back to the main part of my office, stunned to see Isabella there.

  She waved nervously. “Hey, Grayson!”

  She was overly chipper. She was never this chipper, which means something’s wrong. “Where’s Emmalin? Emmalin was supposed to pick her up.” I was actually looking forward to it, even if we only exchanged a few words.

  Isabella started fidgeting. She never fucking fidgeted in the short time I’ve known her. “She asked me to get Emersyn, she had some errands to run.” She stepped forward and opened her arms to accept Flick. I stepped back, holding onto Flick tighter.

  “What kind of errands?”

  She bit her bottom lip and stopped making eye contact with me. “Oh, I don’t know, I think she had to pick something up at the store or something.” She rose up on her toes repeatedly.

  “Or something, huh?”

  She nodded. I pulled Flick against me, and covered the other side of her head, to cover her ears. “How about you cut the shit, because you’re a shitty liar. Where’s Emmalin?”

  Her shoulders sagged. “She’s trying to help, Grayson. She told Gwen and I that if something was to happen to help you with Emersyn.”

  “What are you talking about? What the fuck could happen to make her say that?” I toned it down when Flick started whimpering.

  She shrugged. “I honestly don’t know, Grayson. She wouldn’t say.”

  My eyes narrowed. I reached in my pocket and pulled out my phone, trying to track her signal. Nothing. I handed Flick to Isabella. “Take her home now! Now, Isabella!”

  She hurried up and scooped the rest of her things and left. I called Jack. He answered on a yawn.

  “Sup, Mandrake?”

  “I need you to get up. Emmalin’s about to do something probably really fucking crazy.”

  26

  Emmalin

  “Would you like milk with your tea, dear?”

  I smiled at the elderly lady named Opal who sat a tray in front of me. “That would be lovely, thanks.”

  She nodded as she retreated back into the kitchen. While everyone assumed I was being some grieving wife, sad over her marriage, I was researching instead. I recalled that day Claudia came into my office. She had a lapel pin on the coat of her collar. The only reason it stuck with me was because it was the only hint of color on her all-white pea coat.

  I found the video of Claudia giving her press conference online, and she had that same purple lapel pin. Claudia’s resume said she went to Yale. Last I checked, Yale didn’t have purple colors. So, here I am in a small town called Ogden, right outside Manhattan, Kansas. This town is so small, it doesn’t have a stop light. It seems to be more of a passing ground for people going to the military base, or actually heading into Manhattan.

  Opal returned with the milk, and I poured a little bit in my cup. “It’s so great to meet some of Claudia’s friends.” I cringed at the word friends. “She never had any come visit her, when she was here.”

  I sat my cup down. “Did Claudia live here long?”

  “Oh yes. She had to. Her parents died when she was seven. After that, she went to live with a few of her aunts and uncles, but none of them could get a handle on her. She was often disrespectful and a ruckus every chance she got.” She paused as she sipped her tea. “But she eventually came around, especially during her final years of high school.” Opal smiled as she leaned forward, as if she was going to tell a secret, even though we were the only ones here. “That’s when she got herself a boyfriend.”

  I raised my brows. “Wow, that must’ve been nice. Did he visit her often?”

  Opal waved her hand. “No, he never came. She said he was always busy, but she had lots of pictures of him.”

  “How did they meet?”

  Opal thought for a moment. “I’m not sure. She never told me. She just went on and on, about how great he was and how when she was done with school, they were going to be together.”

  I nodded. “And then she went to Yale, right?”

  Opal looked taken aback. “Yale? Oh goodness no, that girl couldn’t get into Yale if she paid them. She didn’t have the grades, so she went here to Kansas State, and after she graduated she left. I’ll occasionally get a birthday or Christmas card, but other than that, I never hear from her.”

  “I’m sorry, that must be hard to deal with. Especially after all you’ve done.”

  Opal nodded and sighed. “I just hope she’s alr
ight and doing good. I’m glad she has people like you to take care of her.”

  I cringed again. Not even close. Opal yawned, and I knew that was my cue to leave. I stood up, a little disappointed that I hadn’t really gotten much information.

  “Would you mind taking some of her things back to her? I’m sure she’ll love them.”

  I gave her a small smile. “Sure. Lead the way.”

  We didn’t have to go far, because we were in a single wide trailer. “Here’s her room. Let me grab a box.” Opal walked away, and I tentatively opened the door. My eyes grew wide at everything around me. I jumped at Opal’s voice behind me.

  “That’s the boyfriend, handsome lad isn’t he.”

  I slowly nodded, still staring at the room in shock. “Yeah…he is.” I turned to face Opal. “When was the last time you received a card from Claudia?”

  She frowned for a moment before raising her hand and leaving the room. She came back just as quickly. “Just this past Christmas, and one not too long ago. She must be doing well with that boyfriend of hers.” She handed me the Christmas card that also held a picture of Claudia and her boyfriend. It was a great picture of her boyfriend…Grayson. And the person he was standing next to was Claudia. Only it was her head photoshopped on my body.

  Opal handed me another picture. “I would like to see her soon, especially my new grand baby.” I stared at the picture. It was me and Grayson again, along with Emersyn. All I could do was nod. Opal walked past me, as she contemplated which pictures of Grayson to take down from the wall. While she did that, I discreetly took pictures of what I could.

  I left, feeling a sense of accomplishment. This was what I needed. Claudia was an obsessed stalker. I really needed to talk to Grayson about the women he attracts.