Sexual abuse can feel like a big pile of lemons. There have been times in my life when I felt too tired, too stressed, too discouraged, too hopeless, too angry, or too afraid to work on my issues. And the longer I avoided doing this work, the more painful my life became. Eventually, that pile of lemons started looking pretty good to me, because I wound up with a big pile of something else.
Hope is the belief that if we keep working on our issues, they will get better, we will feel better, and eventually we will work through whatever issues we struggle with today.
To begin this process, we must believe that we can heal. Some of us have felt so broken by the sexual abuse that we came to believe we could never heal our pain.
“I’m a screw-up,” we said. “Look at my relationships. I let people walk all over me. I keep going out with people who disrespect me and abuse me. I feel so terrible about myself. I feel so damaged. I don’t believe I can ever heal.”
Yet sexual abuse is simply a wound. A very deep, very painful wound. When we try to self-medicate our pain with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sexual addiction, pornography, prostitution, overeating, or a hundred other compulsive behaviors, this wound becomes infected. It is a wound that needs to bleed. It is a wound that needs great care if it is ever to heal.
Chances are you are like me. You spent the majority of your life trying to run from this problem. You tried to cover it up or ignore it, hoping beyond hope that it would somehow just go away. But the truth is that sexual abuse issues do not “just go away.”
We may have felt confused in the past. Even if we wanted to heal our pain, we may have been unsure of where to turn. There are few good books on the subject, and few counselors who deal effectively with the issues of sexual abuse. In today’s society, there is a great deal of stigma attached to having been abused. Instead of healing, we try to ignore the way we feel, or attempt to numb our feelings with addictions and other compulsive behaviors.
Some of us reached the place where we believed it was hopeless. The deck was stacked against us. We were sexually abused. Tainted. We would never heal these issues because it was impossible. We were doomed to repeating the same awful relationships and the same self-destructive behaviors for the remainder of our lives.
There is something you need to know. You can heal the pain of sexual abuse. You can heal your life. It is possible. I promise that if you truly do some soul-searching, some crying, and some letting go, you will make progress. What you gain from this experience will depend on how hard you are willing to work. Personally, I held nothing back. I chose to keep learning and keep growing.
Many of the ideas presented in this book may seem strange to you at first. Some of the exercises may seem too difficult.
But within these pages are the seeds of change. If your garden is full of rocks and the soil is too hard, it is difficult for those seeds to take root. The garden of our heart needs to be tilled. We need to nurture ourselves with the fertilizer of self-love and the sunshine of self-care. We must give our garden the water of knowledge and begin to pull the weeds of shame.
A beautiful garden does not blossom overnight, but throughout the springtime of our healing process. Health and growth are cultivated over time.
When we feel hopeless, we should ask ourselves, “How did I get to this hopeless place? Have I felt a great deal of anger, sadness, pain, or fear in the past? Have I felt guilty or ashamed because of what happened to me? Have I felt that I was somehow to blame for the abuse?”
Hopelessness is a question of despair, not a product of reality. In truth, our lives are never hopeless. We can always grow. We can experience our feelings and change our behaviors. When we tell ourselves that life is hopeless, it is because we feel like giving up, not because life is ever, truly hopeless.
So what can make us feel like giving up? Is it easier to try and avoid our pain? Is it easier to act out our addictions than to work through our issues? Have we been told by a family member, friend, or perpetrator that we should just, “Get over it?” Have we been told that the abuse was our fault, or that we were acting or dressing too provocatively?
Perhaps we feel hopeless about a behavior we can’t seem to change. We keep getting into abusive relationships or doing drugs. We keep engaging in addictive sex, spending money compulsively, or overeating. Maybe the negative patterns in our lives seem to repeat themselves endlessly.
Hopelessness builds up in our lives when we fail to address the real issue. If we do not change our negative patterns, they will continue to hold us back.
If we choose unhealthy partners, we end up in the same, unhealthy relationships. If we stuff our feelings instead of healing our pain, we continue to spiral downwards.
Often the reason people remain trapped in their problems is because they refuse to take action. They refuse to change. It is possible to heal the pain of sexual abuse in the same way that we would work to heal any other issue. There is hope. The more you heal the stronger you feel, and the easier it gets.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #1: Gaining Hope
(My depressed voice): I have nothing to live for. I might as well sleep all day and not wake up. I feel depressed. My thoughts are all negative. Why do I feel so hopeless?
I am tormented by the memory of sexual abuse. There is no changing the reality of my past. What happened to me was horrible, and sexual abuse continues to happen to people all over the world. There is no way to stop it. I will never overcome this.
Life is so meaningless. Healing sexual abuse is too difficult.
(My wise, inner voice): Don’t believe that your life is hopeless. That’s your depression talking. You’re just thinking negatively about your past, your present, and your future. Stop doubting yourself and your ability to heal.
You are afraid that you will never be free of this. That you will be dealing with this pain forever. But in truth, all pain is limited. All fears are eventually conquered. All issues are eventually resolved and a brighter future awaits you.
You will overcome this. You will find the courage. You will regain your integrity, your confidence, and your self-esteem. You will feel better. You will have peace again. You will see the light.
Your pain is not “all powerful.” You are powerful, eternal, strong, wise, and capable. As a child of God, there is nothing that can defeat you. You are stronger than sexual abuse. You are stronger than fear.
Process Questions
In what ways have I felt hopeless about healing the pain of sexual abuse?
How do I look at my life when I feel hopeless?
How do I act when I feel hopeless?
What would make me feel more hopeful about healing the abuse of my past?
How can I process my issues (sit with my feelings, cry, get my anger out in a healthy way, do some journaling, talk to someone about how I feel, etc…)
Exercise 1-1
Hope Affirmations
-Say these things to yourself every day until you start to feel more confident and filled with hope.
1. Things in my life keep getting better, and every day I am getting healthier.
2. I am working through my issues.
3. I am succeeding.
4. I feel more confident and more hopeful every day.
5. I am stronger than my fear.
6. I am overcoming my problems.
7. I am feeling more energy, more inspiration, and more love.
8. I am becoming a bigger, wiser, stronger person.
Stepping Stones to Health
Hope
-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.
_____ 1. I am severely depressed and addicted to several substances or behaviors. I fear that my life will never improve.
_____ 2. I have known people who have successfully worked through their sexual abuse issues, but I don’t think I can.
_____ 3. I am trying to learn more about sexual abuse, but I don’t spend much time
reading self-help books or working on my issues.
_____ 4. I worked through an issue I was having, but it was scary. I don’t want to change. I’m used to the chaos in my life, and it’s easier for me to do nothing.
_____ 5. I did something to heal an issue I was having and it made me feel better about myself. I realize that healing is possible if I am willing to work at it.
_____ 6. I am getting tired of the chaos in my life. I know there’s something better for me. I’m tired of my addictions and my negative behaviors because they cause me a lot of pain.
_____ 7. I want to change, but I still feel really confused.
_____ 8. I’m tired of the pain in my life, and I want to do something about it. But I’m so addicted and depressed that I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know if I have the courage to do this.
_____ 9. I have attempted to change an addiction or behavior and it’s difficult. I’m experiencing a lot of feelings I’m uncomfortable with.
_____ 10. I have overcome an addiction or behavior and realize that there is hope for me. If I can heal one aspect of the sexual abuse, I can probably heal another.
_____ 11. I have bought some books on healing sexual abuse, joined a support group, or begun counseling for my sexual abuse issues. I am starting to get serious about healing.
_____ 12. I am committed to working through my issues. I know it will take time, but it can be done. I will spend whatever time I need to heal my pain, because I see how much it benefits my self-esteem, my relationships, and my life.
Chapter 2 – Goals
“We cannot afford to give up on our goals, because we cannot
afford to give up on ourselves.”
-Jason Goodwin
Alcoholics Anonymous urges us to take our lives “one day at a time.” We need to focus on the problems we face today before we can address the problems that may arise tomorrow. Sometimes, when we are living in a period of intense crisis, we may even be better off living one minute at a time.
Problems can feel overwhelming when we try to take on too much at once. Yet there comes a time when we need to plan for a better future. Without direction, our lives can feel meaningless. When we get trapped in this hopeless place, we only have ourselves to blame.
Responsibility is the key to action, to hope, and to self-esteem. Yes, we need support from others. We may need God or our higher power to show us the way. But at the end of the day, it is still up to us.
It’s important to remember that the goals we set for ourselves should be realistic. I engaged in a year of intense self-examination before writing the material for this book. And before that, I was acting out my sexual abuse issues for over 33 years.
When defining our goals, it’s important to keep in mind the challenges we face. Sexual abuse often leads to low self-esteem, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual addiction, abusive and/or unfulfilling relationships, depression, flashbacks to the trauma or abuse, extreme emotional “ups” and “downs,” guilt, shame, fear, mistrust, poor self-care, feelings of powerlessness, deep feelings of pain and grief, a distorted body image, overeating, under-eating, anger at God, and feelings of hopelessness. Sexual abuse creates a lot of wreckage in our lives.
Maybe our goal is to feel better. Maybe we want to be able to choose healthier relationships. Perhaps we strive to become more stable and reliable at work. Some of us want to stop experiencing flashbacks or nightmares about the abuse. We may be killing ourselves with drugs and alcohol, or endangering our health with risky sexual behaviors. Whatever our motivation, it is critically important that we set clear, realistic goals for our recovery.
This book covers many of the issues we struggle with as survivors of sexual abuse, and while it is important to heal all of our issues eventually, we need to take our process at a reasonable pace to avoid getting overwhelmed. Having the patience to heal requires an unwavering commitment to the betterment our lives.
Every goal is attainable as long as it is realistic. The key to goal attainment is perseverance. We cannot afford to give up on our goals, because we cannot afford to give up on ourselves. We deserve better.
Healing sexual abuse operates on the concept of merit-based pay. We only get what we work for. There is no magic wand, and if we play a waiting game with these issues, we may find ourselves on our deathbeds some day with all of these problems still intact. I try to imagine the issues of sexual abuse as a sack of garbage we are carrying around with us. Until we finally choose to put it down and empty it out, that sack continues to fill. When it gets too heavy, we can’t lift it anymore, and we break down emotionally.
Dumping my emotional garbage is the best feeling I’ve ever had. To be able to get through the day feeling relatively carefree is an amazing gift. But it can only happen if we continually work to release our negative feelings. When we stop working our process, the garbage of our issues begins to refill that bag.
I want you to look honestly at your life and try to identify if there are ways the abuse of your past still affects your life today. I want you to come up with goals for your recovery process. I want you to make a commitment that you will never give up. The goals we set for ourselves are the path we take out of despair and into a better future.
Exercise 2-1
Setting Goals
-After reading the example on the following page, set at least 5 goals for your healing process. Possibilities might include having healthier relationships, going back to school, quitting an addiction, or improving your self-esteem. Try to expand each of the goals you set for yourself by answering the following questions.
1. What is my goal?
2. How would my life change if I were to accomplish this goal?
3. Is this goal realistic? Do I have a reasonable chance of success?
4. What are the steps I must take in order to bring this goal to fruition? (Think through every step you will need to take on your path to success.)
5. What are some of the things that might frustrate my attempts to reach my goal? (Think about obstacles or problems that may hinder your progress while you try to make this goal a reality.)
6. How much time will it realistically take to accomplish my goal? (Goals usually take longer than we think they will.)
7. How much money will it realistically take to accomplish my goal? (Goals often cost more money than we think they will.)
8. What kind of effort, patience, and persistence must I exhibit to accomplish my goal?
9. Can I make a commitment to following through with my goal, regardless of the obstacles or frustrations I will likely experience?
Example of a Goal-Setting Exercise:
What follows below is an overly ambitious example, but I hope it gives you an idea of how to break down our goals into simple tasks we can accomplish on a daily basis. A severely depressed person might answer the above questions in the following way.
1. My goal is to feel less depressed.
2. I would take better care of myself, make new friends, and get out more. I would feel happier, more productive, lose or gain weight, have a cleaner house, and feel increasingly motivated to succeed.
3. This is a realistic goal if I am willing to take better care of myself, exercise, work on positive thinking, become more socially active, take antidepressant medication, and pursue therapy.
4. Day one: I will set my alarm and get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. I will take a shower, comb my hair, change my clothes, and make myself look nice instead of sleeping in or moping around the house. I will take my dog for a walk and get out into the sunlight. When I get back, I will look in the yellow pages for a place to exercise.
Day two: I will set my alarm and get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. I will do all the things I did yesterday. I will also call a gym about the cost of membership and visit that facility to pay my fees or determine how much money I will need to save. I will find a time that works for my schedule and start working out as soon as possible.
Day three: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. and do all t
he things I did for the past two days. Additionally, I will make a trip to the bookstore to purchase a book on positive thinking, such as The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. I will set myself a goal of reading one chapter every day before I go to work.
Day four: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. and continue to do all the things I have been doing to stay positive. I will contact a doctor or psychiatrist to get a screening for depression. I will also contact someone I haven’t spoken to for a while and go out for dinner.
Day five: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. and continue to do all the things I have been doing to stay positive. Additionally, I will follow through on my appointment with my doctor or psychiatrist and try a few different antidepressant medications to determine which one does the best job of lowering my depression. I will continue to take this medication until any side-effects wear off, and give each medication a fair chance of working.
Day six: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. and continue to do all of the things I have been doing to stay positive. I will also check the yellow pages for a counselor qualified to treat depression, and set up my first appointment.
Day seven: (Etc…)
Process Questions
What are some of the ways that my sexual abuse issues continue to negatively affect my life or my goals? (Relationships, self-esteem, career, family, sex-life, self-care, relationship with God, etc…)
How do I feel about the ways the sexual abuse is negatively affecting my life and my goals?
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