What goals do I want to set for myself as I begin this healing process?
What good things might happen to me if I heal the pain of sexual abuse?
How can I process my feelings about the ways the sexual abuse has negatively affected my life? (Sit with my feelings, cry, release my anger in a healthy way, do some journaling, talk to someone about how I feel, etc…)
Stepping Stones to Health
Goals
-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.
_____ 1. I have no goals for healing the sexual abuse.
_____ 2. I would like to feel better, but I don’t know where to start.
_____ 3. I want to gain sobriety from an addiction or addictions.
_____ 4. I want to have healthier relationships in the future.
_____ 5. I would like to heal the pain of my past so that I don’t feel so terrible all the time.
_____ 6. I want to heal, but I’m not sure if I’m willing to do the work it takes to get healthy.
_____ 7. I am committed to working through the pain of sexual abuse. My goal is to have healthy relationships in the future with myself, with others, and with God.
Chapter 3 – Healing Techniques
“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.”
-Hippocrates
There are many techniques we can employ to assist us in healing the pain of sexual abuse. Instead of picking one or two, I urge you to consider them all, and use every tool that is available to you. This healing process may be the biggest challenge of your life.
As survivors, the fear that we are somehow damaged or defective can actually interfere with our healing process. I resisted taking antidepressants for the first 33 years of my life because I fought so hard against the idea that there was something wrong with me. Never mind that depression runs in my family or that my grandmother took antidepressants for the second half of her life. Every morning, I woke up feeling depressed for no apparent reason. I had low appetite, weight loss, and all the symptoms of major depression. But I was in denial, and no one was going to give me “crazy pills.”
No offense to myself, but I was being an idiot. My depression has a physical cause. As such, it demands a physical solution. I would have no problem wrapping gauze around a bleeding knee, so why was I having such a hard time taking a pill that would boost a natural neurotransmitter in my brain?
About midway through my healing process, I decided to try antidepressants. My mother had been urging me for years to at least give them a try, and a nurse practitioner started me on a newer antidepressant with very low side-effects. For me, the difference was life-changing. I woke up in a normal mood, and could then experience good and bad days just like everyone else.
Antidepressants do not make you happy. That is your responsibility. They simply correct a chemical imbalance in your brain so you can experience a normal range of emotions.
Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies. Healing the pain of sexual abuse requires action. Positive thinking can help, but it is often not enough. We must demonstrate love for ourselves by utilizing all of the healing techniques available to us.
To begin my list of techniques, I want to start with counseling. This book is not a replacement for therapy. Ideally, you would be working to process your issues with a therapist you see on a weekly basis. Counseling is an ideal opportunity to discuss your issues with someone who will listen to you, guide you, and encourage you without judgment. Your relationship with your therapist can be very helpful. I am a therapist myself, and I have been to therapy several times in my life. I hope you give yourself a chance to experience the therapeutic relationship. Going to counseling does not mean you are crazy. It just means that you have the courage to do something about your problems.
(A note to counselors: I often use this book with clients who are survivors of sexual abuse. First, I ask the client to read a chapter on their own and complete the exercises. In the following therapy session, we take turns reading aloud and stop frequently to discuss how the material relates to that client’s personal issues. We finish by discussing their answers to the process questions or the exercises.)
If you were sexually abused, you may suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder. As described by the DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), posttraumatic stress disorder occurs in people who “experienced, witnessed, or were confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others. The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.”
It goes on to say that, “the traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in one or more of the following ways: 1. Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. 2. Recurrent distressing dreams of the event. 3. Acting or feeling as if the traumatic events were recurring. 4. Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event. 5. Physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.”
It says that there are, “Persistent symptoms of increased arousal, as indicated by two or more of the following: 1. Difficulty falling or staying asleep. 2. Irritability or outbursts of anger. 3. Difficulty concentrating. 4. Hyper-vigilance. 5. Exaggerated startle response.”
I, like many of you, have experienced flashbacks to the abuse. There is a new technique available to people who suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming (EMDR). There are trained therapists who utilize in this technique, which works by synchronizing the left and right hemispheres of the brain. EMDR often results in a reduction in the frequency and intensity of flashbacks.
Another healing technique I found to be helpful was acupuncture. When I was feeling very emotional or traumatized, I took full advantage of the free acupuncture that was offered to the employees where I worked. Acupuncture was a part of the recovery program for alcoholics and addicts, as it has been shown to significantly reduce cravings and withdrawal symptoms when addicts are attempting to get sober. It also reduces stress.
Deep relaxation is another excellent way to relieve anxiety. I often spend an hour in the evening listening to relaxing music. I use candles for mood lighting, and do deep breathing exercises until I feel very calm. I often feel more energetic and mentally focused the next day.
To handle feelings of loneliness, I decided to get a dog. Waiting for me at the kennel was William Wallace, a three-month old miniature dachshund with a heart of gold. Throughout the last five years, Willie has sat on my lap as I cried and processed my issues. He has never failed to love me, and he has always been there for me when I needed him. He still puts a smile on my face. Willie is a little ball of energy, and is one of the warmest, most loving souls I have ever known.
Another powerful tool in my healing process was the martial art, Tae Kwon Do. I experienced a lot of anger about having been sexually abused, and Tae Kwon Do gave me a positive, safe way to release my angry feelings. I experience a rush of endorphins when I do marital arts, and the norepinephrine (a neurotransmitter in the brain that is enhanced through exercise), helps to lift me out of depression and feel more positive. Any type of exercise that increases your heart rate for at least 15 minutes, three times per week, will have a similar effect on your body and your brain. In addition, exercise is a very effective method of relieving stress.
Another important healing technique is engaging in healthy social activity. Going to church, having fun with a group of people who share common interests, or pursuing our hobbies can make us feel more connected, more supported, and relieve feelings of loneliness and isolation. All of us need positive social interactions with others. Having friends and people in the community to share our lives with is essential to our well-being.<
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Journaling has been a mainstay of my healing process. While I was working on sexual abuse issues, I wrote in my journal on an almost daily basis. To process all of my issues, it was essential for me to keep an open line of communication with myself. Journaling helps survivors of sexual abuse to work through the whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, struggles, and fears that we experience.
I have also gone for many, long walks. When difficult thoughts and feelings are swirling around inside my head, I need a way to release my energy. The physical motion of walking helps me to process and move through my issues. As I keep walking and keep moving, my thoughts, feelings, and issues keep moving as well.
Finally, I want to discuss what I call “emotional meltdowns.” There are times when I have felt so powerless, so victimized, and so sensitive that I could not handle the stress of work. I never lost a job because of it. I never fell off the face of the earth, “freaked out,” or attempted suicide. But I did call in sick. It is important to recognize when you are feeling overwhelmed and take time to take care of yourself. Call it a wellness day if you like, but be good to yourself and be kind.
Survivors of sexual abuse have to handle some very intense challenges. It isn’t always easy to face our trauma and our fear. That’s why we need a back-up plan. Make sure you know what to do if you get into emotional trouble. Have the phone numbers of people you can call in case of emergency. Seek help from therapists, doctors, or even the police. If you know your limits, you can plan accordingly, and this healing process does not have to negatively affect other areas of your life.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #1: Healing Sexual Abuse
I have wanted to get into a relationship, thinking it would magically solve my problems. But that is crazy thinking. What causes my depression, self-hatred, fear, anger, low self-esteem, and feelings of unworthiness?
It is the pain of sexual abuse. The only solution is to heal my pain. Hiding behind a relationship or an addiction will never solve my problems.
How can I heal the pain of sexual abuse?
1. By Loving Myself
2. By Grieving
3. By Letting Go Of The Past
4. By Allowing My Feelings
5. By Stopping My Self-Sabotage
Process Questions
What are some of the misguided ways I’ve tried to handle the pain of sexual abuse in the past? (Using drugs/alcohol, avoiding the issue, relying on people in intimate relationships to make me feel better about myself, prostitution/pornography, etc…)
How well have these misguided approaches worked for me? Did they ever cause more problems than they solved?
What are some healthy techniques I can use now to heal the pain of sexual abuse?
What is one thing I can start doing differently right away that will help me feel better about myself?
Stepping Stones to Health
Healing Techniques
-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.
_____ 1. I do not use any healing techniques to work on my sexual abuse issues.
_____ 2. I have tried to think positive about my situation in the past.
_____ 3. I have bought or read self-help or informational books on the subject of sexual abuse.
_____ 4. I have employed journaling, the process of writing down my thoughts and
feelings, to help me work through my sexual abuse issues.
_____ 5. I have spoken with other survivors of sexual abuse and exchanged ideas on
how to cope with my issues.
_____ 6. I have used exercise as a means of helping myself feel more emotionally
stable.
_____ 7. I have used meditation, acupuncture, spirituality, or other means of
healing.
_____ 8. I have used medication, when necessary, to help me deal with depression or other mental health issues.
_____ 9. I have seen or am seeing a therapist, and am using EMDR or other therapeutic techniques to help overcome my post-traumatic stress disorder.
_____ 10. I am willing to use every healing technique that is available to work through my sexual abuse issues, and I recognize that each one has something unique to offer.
Chapter 4 – Chemical Addiction
“People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows
how to swim.”
-Ann Landers
Chemical addictions are often the result of prolonged physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain. Most of us drink or use drugs because we want to change the way we feel. Other times, we drink or use because we want to numb out and feel nothing at all.
Low self-esteem is common in people with chemical addictions. People with high self-esteem do not drink, slam, snort, smoke, or eat themselves to death. Low self-esteem makes it easier for us to engage in these self-destructive behaviors.
Getting drunk and vomiting blood is not a good time. Selling our bodies to get money for dope is not a party. Suffering from bronchitis for months on end because we can’t quit smoking is not fun or relaxing. Chemical addictions are a way to hurt ourselves, not to help ourselves.
I know many of you never thought of your drug or alcohol use as self-destructive, but the truth is, we do not continue to drink or use addictively when we care about our health.
Some of us spent so many years self-medicating with alcohol and drugs that we lost touch with our feelings. When we get sober, we may experience a flood of emotions or have difficulty feeling anything at all.
Whenever we drink, smoke, slam, or snort, we are trading our health and self-esteem for the rush of a quick high. On a subconscious level, many of us are trying to numb our pain and punish ourselves at the same time. What I have learned in my years as an addict, and later an addictions counselor, is that our true motives are; 1) to feel better, 2) to feel nothing at all, or 3) to injure or kill ourselves.
When I discuss the death instinct with my clients, they invariably react with shock and denial. “I’m not trying to kill myself,” they claim. “I want to feel better. I like drinking/smoking/snorting. It makes me feel good.”
But it doesn’t feel good to wake up in a stranger’s bed because we blacked out and lost control of our sexual urges. It doesn’t feel good when we sell our personal belongings or borrow money from friends or relatives to get our next fix. Most of us don’t start out that way, but as our addictions progress, we eventually find ourselves doing many of the things we said we never would. Addictions grow increasingly destructive the longer we continue to drink and use.
The signs of self-destruction are everywhere in an addict’s life. Our performance at work is suffering. Our relationships are falling apart. Our health is deteriorating. We become trapped in a destructive, downward spiral.
When an addict says that drinking or using “makes me feel good,” what they’re really saying is that feeling nothing at all is better than the pain they usually feel. It’s time to put to rest the illusion that our addictions can help us heal our pain. Addictions cannot and do not heal emotional pain. In fact, they actually prolong it.
I often tell my clients that feelings want to be felt. While it may seem strange to personify our feelings, it’s true. When we deny our feelings or try to suppress them, they only build up inside of us. Our emotional burdens grow heavier the longer we continue to act out our self-destructive behavior.
Eventually, we may experience a nervous breakdown. Raw, nervous energy explodes from within. We cry, scream, act hysterical, and lose touch with reality.
There is a way out, and the solution is simple. Feel your feelings. When you feel angry, release your anger in a healthy way. Martial arts, exercise, or talking with someone about the way you feel are all healthy ways to express anger.
When you feel sad, allow yourself to cry or grieve the loss you have experienced.
Of course, there is a reason we suppressed these painful feelings in the first place
. Painful emotions can seem overwhelming. We may need to set a limit on how much we allow ourselves to experience at any given time. We may need to tell ourselves, “Today, I am going to allow myself to cry for 30 minutes. After that, I will put my feelings aside for a while and do something else, like running or gardening.” We may need to spend time with friends or go to an AA/NA meeting. Try to find supportive people in your life that you can rely on during the difficult times.
Allowing ourselves to feel our pain can seem frightening at first, but eventually, that pain passes through us and out of us. Emotions are not a bottomless pit. Many people have committed to a recovery program, allowed themselves to experience their painful emotions, and become healthier as a result. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. AA/NA meetings, sponsors, therapists, family, and friends can be great sources of support. If things get really difficult and you need to check into a hospital or rehabilitation center for a while, that’s okay. Most of us need help overcoming our addictions. Recovery is worth the effort.
People who work a truly effective recovery program learn to accept their feelings. They are animated and alive because when they’re happy, you know it, when they’re sad, they show it, and they don’t feel guilty about having feelings anymore.
There’s no shame in crying. People who allow themselves to cry are the most vital and alive people I know. I’m not suggesting that we need to cry all the time. Just that we need to be genuine with our emotions. If we feel like crying, cry! If we feel like laughing, laugh! This human journey is processed on an emotional level. When we stop feeling, we stop living.
There is help for recovering alcoholics and addicts. If you don’t know where to begin, try looking under Alcoholism or Drug Abuse in the yellow pages. There are Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings in virtually every community in the Western World.
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