I started binge-drinking at the age of ten because it helped me to numb the emotional pain of the abuse. I remember slamming tall glasses of wine and whiskey with the boy who lived next door. His father was an alcoholic, and there was more liquor in that house than anyone could keep track of. The warm, fuzzy feeling I got from alcohol made my pain go away for a little while.
By the time I enrolled in high school, I was an every-day drinker. I would take a flask of hard liquor to school, hide it in my locker, and sip it throughout the day. At 15, I tried my first cigarette and experienced a dizzy, heady feeling. That first cigarette tasted terrible, but I liked the way it made me feel.
Like most addicts, I have a family history of addiction. Alcoholism runs on my father’s side. Science is discovering that there is a large genetic component to addiction.
My substance abuse was an attempt to escape from the pain of sexual abuse and to escape from reality. I believe we use addictions to avoid negative feelings, and as a survivor of sexual abuse, there were many feelings I wanted to avoid. Anger, fear, depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I had no control over my life.
As a therapist, I have learned that avoidance doesn’t work. It’s pointless to try and avoid our feelings. Every time we drink or use, we pay the price, and the further our addictions progress, the higher that price becomes. Eventually, we have to sacrifice our jobs, significant others, families, self-esteem, self-respect, or even our freedom to continue to drink and use.
I remember drinking a sixteen-gallon keg of beer with a couple of friends on the day of a big, college football game. That evening we drove to another party and I smoked marijuana with a stranger I met there.
At some point during my drive back to the dormitories, I found myself staring up at a stoplight with no recollection of how I had gotten there. I realized that I was going to kill myself or someone else, so I pulled off to the side of the road and passed out. I awoke the next morning face down in a pool of vomit.
I was never arrested for DUI, even after sleeping the entire night passed out along the side of a busy street. But at that point, I finally began to realize what I was doing to myself. I finally began to realize how dangerous I had become.
For a long time, I drank whiskey and smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. Eventually I developed bleeding ulcers and began to vomit blood on a daily basis. I realized that if I didn’t change my habits, I was going to kill myself, so I decided to cut back on drinking and even quit smoking for a few months.
For the longest time, I couldn’t understand why I always used alcohol to medicate feelings of depression. After all, alcohol is a depressant.
Yet eventually, I figure out why alcohol “worked” for me. When I was drunk, I felt relaxed. And the more relaxed I felt, both physically and mentally, the more I was able to let go of whatever was making me depressed. The end result? I was a happy drunk.
People with depression often turn to alcohol to try and forget their worries. Unfortunately, alcohol just gives us one more thing to worry about. Depressed alcoholics go into a self-destructive tailspin that ends in jail, institutions, and death. All addictions are a trap.
My true drug of choice, even more than alcohol or marijuana, was nicotine. People laugh when I tell them this, because cigarettes are legal and so common. What many people fail to realize is that nicotine has powerful anti-anxiety properties. I remember how peaceful, safe, and carefree I felt after smoking. It took away so much of the anxiety I was feeling.
Smokers reach for a cigarette whenever they feel stressed, nervous, anxious, or angry. And nicotine works incredibly well at reducing those feelings for a short period of time. Unfortunately, the chemicals in cigarettes eventually shrink a man’s testicles and make him infertile. Smoking can lead to impotence in men which results from a decrease in blood circulation. Women who smoke during pregnancy may give birth to low birth weight babies. Smoking contributes to ulcers, lung cancer, and heart disease.
But most smokers already know the risks. In my case, I was counting on them. Smoking made me feel powerful and in control. I was angry with God for the abuse I had experienced as a child. I didn’t want to live in a world that was so cruel. Smoking seemed like the perfect solution.
I realize now that I was smoking to medicate feelings of anxiety and kill myself at the same time. I wanted to be more powerful than God. If God wanted me to live, than killing myself with cigarettes was the perfect way to rebel against Him/Her. There were times in my life when I really did want to quit, but my anger, fear, and a desperate need to feel in control of my life continued to fuel my addiction.
I tried to quit smoking fifteen times before I was finally successful. And even then, I became so depressed that I left my job and temporarily moved back in with my parents. To willingly give up the feelings of power and control I had gotten from smoking cigarettes was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I realize now that smoking cigarettes was also a way to keep myself miserable. It had become a sick way to punish myself for having been abused. Sometimes I took pleasure in knowing that it was killing me. Deep inside, I believed that only “bad” little boys or girls got sexually abused. I decided that I must have done something terrible to deserve what had happened to me. I used to believe that people got what they deserved. Now I understand they do not.
None of us deserve to be abused, and we are not bad because of what happened to us. It’s time to let go of the way “they” treated us and start taking responsibility for the way we choose to treat ourselves.
I am an addictions counselor and I can tell you that most people can’t quit their chemical addictions without help. Inpatient facilities and outpatient counseling programs can help get us started on the road to recovery. Later, support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and faith-based self-help groups like Celebrate Recovery can help us to maintain our recovery process.
When I first quit smoking, I felt emotionally raw for a full year. But being sober helped me get in touch with feelings I had been avoiding for years. It took time, but I slowly began to feel better about myself. My self-esteem began to improve. Over time, I learned the true meaning of feeling good.
In the past, our abusers exploited our weaknesses and attacked our self-esteem. At some point, we came to believe that we deserved their abuse. We may have even taken over for our abusers by disrespecting and abusing our own bodies. It’s time to get the abuser out of our head. When it comes to addiction, we are the only ones who can stop the abuse.
Exercise 4-1
Identifying Chemical Addictions Self-Test
-This is a self-test I developed for addicts to help identify the extent of our addiction to alcohol and drugs. Check any of the characteristics that apply to your drug/alcohol use.
_____ 1. I wind up using more drugs/alcohol than I planned to.
_____ 2. I slam, guzzle, or smoke to get high more quickly.
_____ 3. I often use drugs/alcohol with the intention of getting wasted/drunk.
_____ 4. I sometimes use drugs/alcohol when I’m alone.
_____ 5. I have needed more alcohol or drugs to get drunk/high.
_____ 6. I have hoarded drugs/alcohol or kept a private stash.
_____ 7. I have concealed the amount or frequency of my drug/alcohol use from family or friends.
_____ 8. I have lied about drinking or using to others.
_____ 9. I have engaged in illegal behavior as a result of drinking/using.
_____ 10. I have had problems with certain relationships as a result of drinking/using.
_____ 11. I have done things I said I would never do as a result of drinking/using.
_____ 12. I have often drank/used as a reaction to difficult feelings (anger, fear, pain, discomfort, or stress.)
_____ 13. I frequently thought about the next time I was going to drink/use.
_____ 14. I planned for my drinking/using in advance.
_____ 15. I spent money on alcohol/drugs that was needed for
other things.
_____ 16. I have had difficulty staying sober, even when I really wanted to.
-The scoring for this self-test is as follows:
0-4 - Some problems with drug/alcohol use
5-9 - Early stage of addiction
10-14 – Middle stage of addiction
15+ - Late stage of addiction
When is it time to get help? The answer is, the sooner we get help, the sooner our lives can improve. As our addictions progress, the damage they cause to our self-esteem, our physical health, our emotional well-being, our relationships, our career, our spirituality, our values, our morals, and every other area of our lives continues to increase.
-Some of the ways we can work to become healthy include:
1. Letting the people who care about us back into our lives.
2. Becoming honest with others and ourselves about our addiction.
3. Making amends to those we have harmed in the past with our behavior.
4. Attending AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery meetings every week so we can ask for help and receive support from other recovering alcoholics/addicts.
5. Forgiving ourselves for not being perfect.
6. Making a commitment to getting our lives in order – legally, financially, personally, and in relationships.
7. Reconnecting with our goals for the future.
8. Taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
9. Trying to see the good in all things.
10. Being open to the wisdom of others and applying that wisdom to our lives.
11. Learning to respect others and ourselves.
12. Accepting our feelings and allowing ourselves to feel both the good and the bad.
13. Exercising to help us feel more stable and release feelings of anger or frustration.
14. Becoming more organized so we can get more of what we want out of life.
15. Becoming active instead of passively waiting for things to happen to us.
16. Supporting others in recovery and giving something back.
Process Questions
How have my chemical or behavioral addictions affected my life? (Alcohol, cigarettes, illegal drugs, eating, gambling, etc…)
How do I feel about the ways my chemical or behavioral addictions have affected my life?
How would it benefit me to overcome my addictions?
What might prevent me from seeking help for my addictions?
What are the steps I can take to overcome my addictions? (Going to AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery meetings, reading books on addiction recovery, checking myself into a drug/alcohol/addiction rehabilitation center, working with a counselor, etc…)
Stepping Stones to Health
Chemical Addiction
-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.
_____ 1. I use alcohol or drugs regularly, but I do not feel that I have a problem.
_____ 2. My alcohol or drug use is beginning to have some negative effects on my relationships, financial well-being, family, career, or self-care, but I do not feel that I have a problem.
_____ 3. My alcohol or drug use has led to legal problems (DUI, possession of illegal drugs, minor in consumption) or I have been incarcerated, but I still do not feel that I have a problem.
_____ 4. I am beginning to recognize that my alcohol/drug use is causing problems in my life, but I do not want to quit.
_____ 5. My situation keeps getting worse. My family, friends, or significant other tells me I have a problem and I know that I do, but I don’t want to quit.
_____ 6. I am beginning to experience health problems (kidney pain, ulcers or stomach cramps, cirrhosis of the liver, weight loss or weight gain, loss of hair, loss of teeth, etc…) but I still do not want to quit and I don’t really care what happens to my body.
_____ 7. I realize that if I don’t quit my addiction to alcohol/drugs, I will die, and I want to live.
_____ 8. I have decided to work on my addiction or addictions but I don’t know where to start.
_____ 9. I have picked up some reading materials on overcoming addictions and am studying them.
_____ 10. I have attended AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery meetings or begun counseling/rehabilitation for my drug/alcohol issues.
_____ 11. I hear what they’re saying, but I’m still not sure I want to quit. I haven’t found a better way to cope with my negative feelings than using drugs or alcohol.
_____ 12. I am learning that there are better ways of coping with negative feelings than using drugs or alcohol and I am learning those techniques.
_____ 13. I am beginning to use these better ways of coping with my problems, including exercise, journaling, deep relaxation, talking about my feelings, going to AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery meetings, prayer, talking to my sponsor when I feel like drinking or using, etc…
_____ 14. I feel that I really want to stay sober and improve my life.
_____ 15. I am beginning to see the positive effects of sobriety on my mood, my willingness to take responsibility, my self-care, my self-esteem, my relationships, and the overall quality of my life.
_____ 16. I am motivated to continue to do whatever it takes to stay sober, because I know from other recovering addicts that my life will continue to improve as long as I continue to work my recovery program.
Chapter 5 – Sexual Addiction
“Sexuality is colored by our emotions and experiences.”
-Jason Goodwin
Survivors of sexual abuse often develop sexually addictive behaviors. Sex addicts hire prostitutes, compulsively view pornography, or seek out shallow, sexual encounters. I used to believe that engaging in these addictive behaviors might somehow cathartically help me to release my issues. But in truth, those behaviors only caused me greater shame.
Sex is a highly personal, emotionally charged act. Most of us experience intense feelings during lovemaking. Sexuality can be like a beautiful flower, blooming in wonder and magnificence. But when a flower is open to the sun, it is also vulnerable to the storm.
Opening our hearts can lead to great pain. Trusting others means taking a risk. Sometimes people will love us deeply and enrich our lives. Other times, they will abuse us or betray us.
Most of us feel vulnerable during the sexual act, whether it’s with someone we love or someone who is abusing us. Sexuality is colored by our emotions and experiences. As humans, I believe that sex is the closest we can come to the act of creation. For that reason, sexuality is one of our most cherished gifts. When sex is violent, abusive, or forced on an unwilling participant, it is a violation of something we hold very dear.
When someone wants to hurt us, they desecrate what we cherish most. Some abusers threaten to hurt us or our families in an attempt to force us to commit acts that are against our will or our morals.
Some of us react to the trauma of sexual abuse by identifying with the abuser. We want the kind of power the abuser seemed to feel when he/she sexually abused us. Later in life, we feel drawn to sexual situations that make us feel powerful and in control. We may even engage in behavior that involves degrading or humiliating a partner sexually.
Others react to the trauma of sexual abuse by becoming the victim. We convince ourselves that we deserved to be abused. We come to believe that we exist only for the gratification of others. We choose partners who victimize us, humiliate us, and exploit us. This pattern leads some survivors into lifestyles of prostitution, stripping, or pornography.
It is difficult to explain the pain of sexual abuse to someone who was never abused in this way. “What’s the big deal?” they ask. “It’s only sex.”
Sometimes family members wish we would just “get over it.” Others try to blame us for the abuse because we were acting too seductively, flirting with an abuser, or because we never told anyone about it. But the truth is that most of us never had the power, as children or adults, to prevent what was happening to us.
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sp; Healthy sexuality is a bigger part of our identity than many of us realize. People who were sexually abused often react with an enormous amount of physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual pain.
I believe that we feel proud of our ability to create life. Our abusers attempted to distort this beautiful gift and turn it into a cruel weapon. Some of us began to fear sex. We learned that sex can be an explosion of rage rather than an expression of love. We learned how sex can become an addiction, used only for self-gratification or power.
After having been sexually abused, our beliefs about sexuality can change for the worse. Some of us learned to imitate our abusers by separating the sexual act from love. We learned to meet our own sexual needs at the expense of others. We began to use sex as a medication to change the way we felt. We began to see others as sexual objects instead of the human beings they truly are.
In the end, we wound up abusing ourselves. Many of us subjected ourselves to sexually abusive situations and relationships without even realizing it.
As survivors of sexual abuse, it is essential to unlearn whatever negative things we came to believe about sex. We must challenge every act of cruelty that was perpetrated upon us. Sex is only fulfilling when it is mutually respectful and done out of love. Healthy sex was meant to be an equal exchange, without one person gaining power or control over the other. Sex should always be consensual or it is abuse.
Human beings are not sexual objects. We are made of light and love. None of us deserve to be abused.
When we lose ourselves in sexual addiction, we are lost in the values and beliefs of our abusers. Acting out sexually cannot lead us to greater health or happiness. When we continue to engage in sexually addictive behaviors, we continue to degrade and devalue both ourselves and others.
Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Page 4