Sometimes our inner child still feels afraid years after the abuse occurred. We can get stuck in our trauma and experience flashbacks to the abuse.
The degree of trauma a person experiences depends on how painful or frightening the circumstances were. Most people are more comfortable discussing the horrors of war than the horrors of sexual abuse. Which is more frightening? Which is more traumatic? Anyone who survived years of severe sexual abuse knows the answer to that question.
But despite the fact that sexual abuse is traumatic, we can still choose to make mature, responsible decisions as adults. No matter how afraid we feel, we cannot allow our frightened, inner child to sabotage our growth.
The more we understand, the less we fear. The more we realize we were not to blame for the abuse, the less we blame ourselves. The more we release the terror we experienced as children, the less terror we experience as adults.
We cannot give in to fear. We cannot give up on healing. We cannot allow the abuse of our past to destroy the hope of our future.
Fear can be a powerful foe. It may have persuaded us to make poor decisions. It may have urged us to abuse alcohol and drugs. It may have convinced us to stay in abusive relationships. It may have challenged our self-worth. It may have led us to question our belief in God.
But fear is like a dragon. It is thirty feet long, with razor sharp fangs and claws. It has thick scales that cannot be penetrated by any lance or arrow. It breathes fire, consuming all in its wake. It is powerful, majestic, and terrifying. The grandest of all monsters, the perfect killing machine, and the destroyer of all we hold dear. Until we realize that it isn’t real.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #1: Fear of Sexual Abuse
When I experience flashbacks to the abuse, I shake with fear. I wanted so desperately to stop what was happening to me, but there was nothing I could do.
I let myself shake when I feel afraid, because I want to release my fear. When I was abused, I was trapped in a terrifying situation and there was no escape.
Sometimes I still feel afraid of losing control. I’m afraid I will lose control over the fear and the pain inside of me. The fear of sexual abuse. The pain of betrayal. God, I feel so betrayed.
When I allow myself to shake and release my fear, I begin to feel less afraid with time. I deserve to be loved, not betrayed!
I need to remember that my fear is temporary. My depression, which often results from fear and negative thinking, is also temporary. It will pass.
Fear is not unlimited. The more I release, the less I have. I need to keep releasing my fear.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #2: Fear of Fear
I am shaking with fear and flashing back to the abuse. Why am I so afraid?
I’m afraid of my fear because:
1. This fear causes me to go deeply into depression. Sometimes I don’t believe I can complete my daily routine, because all of my thoughts have turned negative.
2. I don’t want to get hysterical or have a nervous breakdown.
3. I’m afraid of losing my job if I break down or get overly emotional at work.
4. My fear makes me feel like I’m losing control.
5. I’m afraid that my fear will overwhelm me.
6. Sometimes my fear makes me feel like I’m going crazy.
7. This fear challenges my self-esteem.
The outcome of my life is in God’s hands. I need to let go of control. I’ve been afraid that my fear would kill me.
(Wise, inner voice): Okay, an honest question. Will your fear kill you?
No. Fear alone cannot kill me. It cannot destroy me. What is the worst that could happen? I could have a nervous breakdown and spend a couple of weeks in the “funny farm.” And would that really be so bad?
Fear is temporary. My depression, which is often the result of my fear and negative thinking, is also temporary. It will pass.
Fear is not unlimited. The more I release, the less I have. I need to keep releasing my fear.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #3: Releasing Control and Understanding Depression
It’s time for me to realize that I can’t control my fear. I can’t stop it, I can’t avoid it, I can’t prevent it, and I can’t make it better. I can’t keep it from affecting me. All I can do is try to work through it.
(Wise, inner voice): Have courage. Your fear cannot destroy you. You are an eternal child of God.
Fear leads to depression and low self-esteem. When I feel depressed, I start thinking negatively about work, life, my future, and my value as a person.
Negative thoughts about myself lead to low self-esteem. They cause me to abuse myself, criticize myself, or feel ashamed.
Much of my depression and low self-esteem is the result of my fear. My head is full of garbage and it’s time to take out the trash.
Exercise 19-1
Facing Your Fears
-Ask yourself the following questions about your biggest fears. In order to face our fears, we must first understand what it is that we are afraid of. Write down the answers to each of the following questions on a separate sheet of paper:
1. What is it I’m afraid of?
2. What are the reasons I’m afraid of this thing?
3. What might happen if this thing came true?
4. What is the worst that could happen if this thing came true?
5. Is it likely that this thing will come true?
6. If this thing came true, would it lead to my death?
7. If this thing came true, could I recover?
8. Is this a healthy or unhealthy fear? Does this fear keep me safe from harm, or is it illogical?
9. Does this fear make my life better or worse?
10. Could I try to prevent this thing from happening? What could I do?
11. Is this fear something I need to let go of?
12. If I need to let go of this fear, what might help me to let go of it?
13. Who could I talk to about this fear?
14. Can I reassure myself that it will be OK?
15. Can I pray about this fear or turn it over to God?
Chapter 20 – Control
“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go.
But when you try and try, the world is beyond the winning.”
-Lao Tzu
Sometimes our lives feel like a battle-zone. We’re angry, we’re nervous, and we’re not happy with anything. We’re smoking too many cigarettes or drinking too much coffee. We’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to work.
We can’t satisfy this hunger, because what we want is intangible. What we’re looking for is control.
Unlike power, control is specific. We want control over a particular situation in our lives. We wish we could just press a button and get instant results. We want to be the Wizard of Oz, sitting behind the curtain and throwing the switches that make everything happen.
Why do we get so angry and depressed when we feel like we’re not in control of our lives? Why does sexual abuse so often lead to control issues?
Most of us wish we could have done something to stop the abuse or prevent it from happening. I believe that the root of our need for control lies within our desire to feel safe and secure. We fear what will happen if we lose control.
Most of us try to avoid losing control because we don’t want to feel powerless. We are disgusted with our childhood, and upset that we couldn’t do anything to stop the abuse. We hate feeling dependent on others, because feeling needy as children made us more vulnerable to the abuse. At some point, we stopped asking for help.
When we are floating in a sea of pain, grief, and despair, it can take all of our strength just to keep from drowning. At times like this, we may be tempted to turn to our addictions and other compulsive behaviors.
Most of us try to avoid anything that is negative, scary, or disappointing. We don’t really want the ups and downs of life. We only want the ups.
/> The problem is that the harder we run from our fears, the more they seem to catch up with us. The harder we try to silence them, the more they cry out to be heard. Avoidance is not a good strategy for life. Running away from life’s challenges can actually keep us from ever gaining true wisdom and happiness.
Some of the most powerful lessons in life involve facing our fear and our pain. Moving through grief returns us to joy. Resolving issues of sexual abuse helps us to develop healthier relationships. Releasing pain often leads to freedom. Conquering fear leads to courage.
There is something magical that happens when we finally choose to face our fear. When we finally proclaim, “You will not control me anymore.”
We can’t always avoid what we fear. When we face our fears and take responsibility for our actions, we get better at facing life’s challenges.
That’s not to say we should give up on our goals. Only that we need to allow ourselves to experience both the ups and the downs of life. We must be willing to learn from the good times and the bad.
Exercise 20-1
Control List:
-Below is a list of the things people try to control. Place a number between one and ten beside the top ten things you wish you could control.
_____ 1. The impact of the sexual abuse on my life
_____ 2. My financial situation
_____ 3. My job situation
_____ 4. My addiction
_____ 5. My significant other
_____ 6. My children
_____ 7. My parents
_____ 8. My friends
_____ 9. My sexuality
_____ 10. My health
_____ 11. My self-esteem
_____ 12. My social-life
_____ 13. Feeling safe
_____ 14. Feelings of stress
_____ 15. Feelings of powerlessness
_____ 16. Feelings of anger
_____ 17. Feelings of fear
_____ 18. Feelings of sadness
_____ 19. Feelings of depression
_____ 20. Feelings of low self-esteem
_____ 21. Romantic relationships
_____ 22. My living arrangements
_____ 23. My legal problems
_____ 24. My abuser or abusers
_____ 25. My weight
_____ 26. My confidence
_____ 27. Being loved
_____ 28. Feeling comfortable
_____ 29. Feeling spiritual
1. Fill out a control worksheet (printed below) for each of the top ten things you wish you could control. In the first column, write about the ways you cannot control this person or situation. In the second column, make a list of the ways you can influence this person or situation in a healthy way to make yourself feel better and get more of what you want. Copy this worksheet as many times as necessary to complete the exercise.
2. Have a conversation with the part of you that wants to be in control. Ask it the following questions.
A) What is it you want to control?
B) What would happen if you lost control over this person or situation?
C) How would you feel if you lost control over this person or situation?
D) What might happen if you allowed yourself to face your fears?
Control Worksheet
The thing I would like to control is: ________________________________
In what ways do I have no control over this person or situation?
1. _____________________________
________________________________
________________________________
2. _____________________________
________________________________
________________________________
3. _____________________________
________________________________
________________________________
4. _____________________________
________________________________
________________________________
5. _____________________________
________________________________
________________________________
What are the healthy ways that I can influence this person or situation to help me feel better and get more of what I want?
1. _____________________________
________________________________
________________________________
2. _____________________________
________________________________
________________________________
3. _____________________________
________________________________
________________________________
4. _____________________________
________________________________
________________________________
5. _____________________________
________________________________
________________________________
Chapter 21 – Anger
“Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to
experience directly – hurt, bitterness, grief, and most of all, fear.”
-Joan Rivers
It is normal to feel angry when we have been abused. Some of us express our anger by yelling and throwing things. Others become manipulative, passive-aggressive, or overly controlling.
Some of us try to become perfect. We work too hard and push ourselves too hard. We become critical of our appearance or belittle our accomplishments. We develop self-destructive attitudes and behaviors.
Sometimes we direct our anger at the ones we love. We become verbally or emotionally abusive. Other times, we direct our anger at our bodies. We abuse ourselves with alcohol and drugs or disregard what our body needs to be healthy.
Some of us express our anger by becoming bulimic. We stuff ourselves with food and then throw up for fear of gaining weight. Others become anorexic. We eat very little because we are afraid of gaining weight or because we want to feel in control.
Isolating ourselves or avoiding contact with others is another way some of us express our anger. We try to convince ourselves that we are unlovable.
Some of us repress our angry feelings or deny that we feel angry. Anger builds up inside of us like steam inside a pressure cooker. When someone says or does something we don’t like, we blow up at them.
When we are not expressing our anger in a healthy way, we lose control over our feelings. Have you ever lived with someone who repressed their anger? You may have felt like you were walking on egg-shells. No matter what you did, it was the wrong thing to do. No matter how you acted, it was the wrong way to act. No matter what you said, it was taken out of context and used against you.
People with repressed anger are likely to overreact. They refuse to take responsibility for their feelings, so they may try to blame you for the way they feel.
I used to be in a relationship with a woman who told me it was my fault she exploded with rage on a daily basis. At first, I tried to figure out what I could do to make her happy. But in the end, I realized that she was never going to be happy. I realized that her anger had very little to do with me and my behavior.
Abusers are typically very angry people who are looking for someone to abuse. They want to find someone who can’t defend themselves verbally, mentally, emotionally, or physically. Abusers want to hurt another person so they can feel powerful and in control.
Ultimately, abuse is a game. And what is the goal of this game? To win. To feel powerful. To be in control.
Abusers believe they are powerful when we feel weak. They believe they are absolved of responsibility when we blame ourselves for the abuse. They believe they are in control when we feel like we cannot tell others what they did to us. They believe they are in control when we depend on them for the things we need.
They believe they are powerful when we believe their lies. When society blames us for the abuse and families conspire to keep the secret. For all of these reasons
and more, abusers become addicted to feelings of power and control.
Our abusers attempted to fulfill their desire for power in a very sick way. How can we make sure we never become like them? How can we express our anger without hurting others or ourselves?
Anger can fill us with energy and a strong desire to act. This physical fight or flight response can be triggered by memories of the abuse. We begin to physically shake when we are feeling very angry, and we experience a rush of endorphins.
For me, a good way to release this pent up energy is through martial arts. I can yell and hit things without hurting myself or anyone else. Becoming skilled at self-defense improves my physical health and my self-confidence.
There are other ways to release aggression without hurting others or ourselves. Go for a run or blow off steam by talking to a good friend. Yell and scream when no one is around. Write your angry feelings down in a journal. It is important to express your anger in an active way whenever possible.
We all want others to respect us, but eventually, we have to let go of the past. We need to release our pain. As adults, we can leave abusive jobs and relationships. We can avoid dangerous people and places. We have more control than we did when we were being abused.
Yes, we were violated. Yes, we have every right to feel angry. No, we are not going to hurt others or ourselves.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #1: Dealing With Violation
I’m angry about having been violated. There is a certain amount of integrity I want to maintain, a certain line I do not want others to cross. One of my boundaries is that I want people to respect me sexually.
I don’t want people to make me do things that are against my will. I don’t want to be overpowered. When I was a child, I had no way to protect myself. There was nothing I could do. I was at the mercy of my abusers.
It hurts when people violate my boundaries. Sometimes I feel a deep sense of hopelessness about ever being able to set healthy boundaries again. I become so angry with my abusers that I end up violating my own boundaries and mistreating myself.
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