The issue I struggle with is respect. I feel so angry that I was disrespected.
I feel angry that people can violate my boundaries whenever they want. What good are boundaries anyway? What difference does it make whether I set healthy boundaries or not?
If every boundary I set can be violated by others, why bother setting boundaries at all? I can insist that others respect my boundaries, but what if they don’t care? I wish I could protect myself from harm, but in the end, nothing can protect me from harm. I am vulnerable to the cruelty of others.
Sexual abuse happens. All I can do is try to heal.
Personal Journal Entry
Entry #2: Anger About Violation
I have a will, damn it! I don’t want to be violated and I don’t want to be sexually abused! I don’t want to be taken advantage of! Why can’t people respect my boundaries? Why did they have to exploit me? Why did they have to use my weakness against me?
I deserve to be respected. I deserve compassion. I deserve care. I deserve love. I do not deserve to be abused!
Just because you can’t stop something from happening doesn’t make it right! It’s wrong to violate another person’s boundaries and exploit their weaknesses!
I’m so angry! Even God never stopped the abuse. God never did anything to protect my innocence. No one ever protected me from harm!
God, why didn’t you protect me? I needed you, and you abandoned me!
Personal Journal Entry
Entry #3: God’s Role
I have thought about what I just wrote, and I realize now that God will not always protect me or give me what I deserve.
God will not prevent my heartache, but He/She will love me always. He/She will not take away my fear, but He/She will help me through it. He/She will not defend my boundaries, but I need to keep setting healthy boundaries anyway. I need to do my best to protect myself. I need to respect my own boundaries, and insist that others respect them as well.
I have to learn to respect myself, because in the end, setting boundaries is an expression of self-respect, not a guarantee of self-protection. If I have done everything in my power to set healthy boundaries and protect myself, I have done my part.
Self-respect must come from within. I have to respect myself, even when others violate my boundaries. Even when others disrespect me. I can’t use the fact that I was disrespected in the past as an excuse to disrespect myself. I need to keep setting healthy boundaries.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #4: Releasing Abusers
I can’t prevent an abuser from violating my boundaries. I have to let go of their choices. I have to try and separate their actions from my basic worth as a person. I need to reject their abuse.
I have to release my abusers and leave them behind. Someday they will have to answer for what they have done. But I am not responsible for them.
I am responsible for myself. I choose a different path. I choose to respect my boundaries and love myself. I choose to find my own way, develop my own beliefs, and determine my own direction. I choose to form my own opinions about my self-worth, independent of what happened in the past.
I am not like my abusers. I take ownership of my heart, my decisions, my pain, my love, my fears, my behaviors, my spirituality, and my life.
In the past, I worshipped people with power. I held my abusers in awe. I respected their opinions and looked up to them. It’s time that I finally see them clearly.
My abusers were not all knowing, as I believed them to be. They were ignorant and cruel. They used their power to exploit me and abuse me.
Exercise 21-1
Coping With Anger
What triggers your anger?
1. ___ Being Disrespected
2. ___ Being Overlooked
3. ___ Relationship Issues
4. ___ Financial Stress
5. ___ Lack of Control
6. ___ Powerlessness
7. ___ Work Problems
8. ___ The Bad Behavior Of Others
9. ___ Feeling Taken For Granted
10. ___ Frustration
11. ___ Repeated Failure
12. ___ Being Told What To Do
13. ___ Lack Of Freedom
14. ___ Feeling Tired/Irritable
15. ___ Feeling Hopeless
16. ___ Feeling Disappointed
17. ___ Feeling Depressed
18. ___ Memories Of The Abuse
19. ___ Feeling Overwhelmed
20. ___ Feeling Stressed-Out
21. ___ Feeling Lonely
22. ___ Feeling Abandoned
How do you usually cope with your angry feelings?
1. ___ Raise Your Voice
2. ___ Develop Resentments
3. ___ Drink Or Use Drugs
4. ___ Get “Short” With People
5. ___ Start Verbal Arguments
6. ___ Start Physical Fights
7. ___ Claim That “I Don’t Care”
8. ___ Neglect Your Personal Needs
9. ___ Spend Money Compulsively
10. ___ Eat Compulsively
11. ___ Have Sex Compulsively
12. ___ Overwork
13. ___ Become Judgmental Of Others
14. ___ Fantasize About Acts Of Violence
15. ___ Develop Road Rage
16. ___ Pick On Yourself
17. ___ Pick On Other People
18. ___ Quit Your Job
19. ___ Isolate Yourself And Avoid Family Or Friends
20. ___ Feel Sorry For Yourself
21. ___ Get Depressed
22. ___ Stuff Your Feelings
What are some healthy ways you can release your anger?
1. ___ Physical Exercise
2. ___ Martial Arts/Kickboxing
3. ___ Yell And Scream When No One Is Around
4. ___ Play A Video Game
5. ___ Talk To Someone About Your Feelings
6. ___ Write Your Angry Feelings Down In A Journal
7. ___ Cry
8. ___ Turn To God And Pray
9. ___ Engage In Hobbies
10. ___ Deal With Your Underlying Emotions
11. ___ Allow Yourself To Feel Angry
12. ___ Try to Understand Why Painful Things Happen
13. ___ Stand Up For Yourself
14. ___ Allow Yourself To Feel Frustrated
15. ___ Work To Change The Situation
16. ___ Let Go When You Can’t Change The Situation
17. ___ Brainstorm Solutions To The Situation
18. ___ Break Off A Relationship If You Can’t Resolve The Problems
19. ___ Continue To Respect Yourself
20. ___ Continue To Respect Others
21. ___ Do Deep Breathing Exercises
22. ___ Count To Ten
23. ___ Remove Yourself From An Anger-Provoking Person Or Situation
24. ___ Work To Find A Compromise With Your Anger-Provoking Person Or Situation
25. ___ Get Lots Of Rest
Chapter 22 – Betrayal
“Betrayal is about learning not to idealize external sources.”
-Linda Talley
Betrayal occurs when someone misleads us or breaks our trust. Many of us felt deeply betrayed when we were sexually abused. Even now, we may find it difficult to trust others, or difficult to believe that anyone in this world could be worthy of our trust.
Some of us had friends or relatives that turned on us or victimized us. We may have been raped or assaulted while on a date. Sometimes our feelings of violation are intense.
What is it that our abusers betrayed? If they were parents, pastors, or the leader of a youth organization, they betrayed their position of power and authority. They betrayed the most basic codes of decency and respect.
Instead of joy, they gave us pain. Instead of safety, they gave us fear.
Betrayal can lead to strong feelings of anger and resentment. We want to be cared for, not abused. A violation of this type can lead to a great deal of hurt and confus
ion. It can destroy our sense of security. Being sexually abused causes us to lose trust and lose faith.
If we were abused as children, it is important to realize that an adult can seem a lot like God to a small child. They have so much power and control. We may have thought they knew what they were doing. We may have believed that they understood the consequences of their actions. We may have mistaken their power for wisdom.
Why do some people prove so unworthy of the power God gave them? We may have believed that our parents were divinely appointed to take care of us. We may have believed that they would look out for our best interests. If our parents were abusive, we may have questioned ourselves instead of them.
It is a parent’s job to provide their children with lots of love and support. To encourage them to learn and grow. God offers many parents the challenge of raising children. Unfortunately, some prove unworthy of the task.
If our parents sexually abused us, our childhood was a disaster. Instead of loving us, they molested us. Instead of meeting our needs, they satisfied their own selfish needs at our expense.
They used us. To fulfill their need for power. To fulfill their need for unlimited sexual gratification. To fulfill their need to hurt someone with their anger.
One of the tasks of parenthood is to protect your children from harm. That means protecting a child’s boundaries. It is a parent’s responsibility to do everything in their power to keep their children safe. To keep them out of harm’s way so that those children can grow up to be healthy, happy, and strong.
We may have tried to defend our parents. We may have wanted to believe they would protect us. We may have wanted to believe they would support us and be there for us when we needed them. Some of us are still in denial about our parents. We still hold onto fantasies about our childhood that were never true.
It’s okay to believe in good parents. Some parents are capable of sacrificing their own needs to provide for their children. They can be supportive when their children need help, protect their children to the best of their ability, and treat their children with love and respect. This is the way good parents are supposed to behave.
If you were sexually abused by a parent, the loss you feel is real. Your desire for love is normal. You were not defective and you deserved better. But the truth is that the parents you wanted were not the parents you got.
How can we grieve this kind of loss? Some of us feel a terrible void inside of us. We were never adequately loved, nurtured, or cherished.
The only way to fill a void of this kind is with renewed love. Love for ourselves. Love from God. Love from our puppy dog. Love from our friends. Love from our lover. Love from our children. Love from “The Universe.”
Our parents may have failed us. In fact, it may seem silly to call them parents at all. But it is possible to find surrogate parents who can love and support us, even as adults. It’s never too late to find the love and support we deserve.
Personal Journal Entry
Entry #1: Anger About Betrayal
I hate people for hurting me. How am I supposed to trust them when they can betray me like this? How can I ever heal this pain? How can I ever get over what happened to me?
Sometimes I fear that I will be betrayed again. I’m afraid I won’t see it coming. I won’t realize that someone is going to betray me until it’s too late.
No one will ever be completely worthy of my trust. People lie out of fear. They betray out of anger. Cruelty is a sign of weakness, not of strength.
I trusted my abusers because I needed their love to survive in this world. When they abused me, I felt torn apart. My pain is very deep because I was so weak, vulnerable, and needy.
There can be no love without trust. In order to open our hearts, we must feel safe. Betrayal destroys trust, destroys safety, and destroys love.
My own trust issues are held in place by a lot of anger. I felt so angry about being violated. I feel so afraid of being hurt again.
In the past, people sabotaged my security, my jobs, my relationships, and my possessions. People have intentionally harmed every area of my life. I can’t protect myself. There is no way to avoid the hurtful actions of others.
And yet, if I want to be fulfilled, I have to trust. I trusted my abusers because I wanted their love. I trusted them even after I knew they were untrustworthy.
Personal Journal Entry
Entry #2: Not Trusting
My inner child doesn’t trust anyone. He feels so afraid of getting hurt. He shuts down and shuts people out because it makes him feel like he’s in control.
He’s so angry about having been betrayed. He doesn’t ever want to be hurt like that again. He wants to protect himself.
Getting hurt means loving someone and feeling betrayed by them. We believed we were safe, but it turns out that we weren’t. We feel deceived.
The betrayals of my childhood shattered my sense of security. I came to believe that safety was an illusion. I could always be hurt, even when I believed I was safe. I decided that I was never truly safe.
This is the reason I have struggled so much with issues of control. If I can’t control others, how can I trust them? Yet if I can’t trust them, how can I ever get the love that I need?
Feeling safe means believing that I am protected from harm. But the truth is that I am never protected from harm. This world is not a safe place.
My inner child feels violated. I love my inner child, but he is still holding onto beliefs about this world that aren’t true. I may have deserved to be safe and loved as a child, but people don’t always get what they deserve. I cannot assume that I will be safe, secure, or loved in this world any more than I can assume anything else. When I do feel safe, secure, or loved, I should count myself truly blessed.
My inner child needs to let go of the past, and let go of what he lost. I need to give him lots of love and support.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #3: Trusting People That Are Untrustworthy
When I was a child, I thought that the only way to get the love I needed was to trust my abusers. Yet at the same time, I knew they were dishonest. In the end, I wound up trusting people I knew were untrustworthy.
I continued to repeat this pattern later in my adult life. I trusted partners I knew were untrustworthy because I desperately wanted their love and approval. Even when I knew they would betray me. I was so afraid of losing them.
Over time, I grew increasingly needy for a love they couldn’t provide. I chose partners who were just like my abusers. Partners who were incapable of genuine love and respect. I accepted their abuse because I was so afraid of being abandoned. I was so afraid that the relationship would end. And of course, it always did.
At the end of each unhealthy relationship, I would break down emotionally. I would go back to smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. I would isolate myself until I found another unhealthy partner, and the sick charade would begin again.
Each of my relationships was a destructive repeat of the one I had left behind. A destructive repeat of my original, broken relationship with my abusers.
One of the reasons I kept repeating this pattern was because I believed that I could change my partners. Some part of me thought I could turn the person I was with into the loving person I wanted them to be. Subconsciously, I wanted to reverse the abuse of my past. I wanted to figure out how to make my abusers finally love me in the way I wanted them to. This unrealistic fantasy was poison to my self-esteem. A destructive illusion that kept me chasing after sick, abusive partners.
As I child, I was forced to depend on people who abused me. I was forced to seek love from people who were incapable of loving me. I became trapped within a self-destructive paradox, and there seemed to be no way out.
I never wanted to trust people who were untrustworthy. I never wanted to rely on people who would neglect me. I never wanted to seek love from people who were incapable of loving me. But the messages from my childhood all said, “It doesn’t matte
r what you want.”
I wanted to survive. As a child, I was trapped between two conflicting needs and I chose the best of bad options. I chose to trust people who could not be trusted in the hopes that I could somehow earn their love and approval.
There were times when I hated myself for this decision. As a child, I had chosen love over self-respect.
Sacrificing my self-respect led to the loss of my integrity. I felt so ashamed that I attempted to destroy myself with cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, isolation, bad relationships, depression, and sexual addiction. It was so hard to forgive myself for the decisions I was forced to make as a child.
But I no longer have to trust people who are untrustworthy. I don’t have to rely on people who abuse me. I don’t have to seek love from people who are incapable of loving me. I need to forgive myself for the choices I made. I can make new, healthy choices in my adult life today.
Why should I forgive myself? Because I was afraid. Because I thought that if I sacrificed my integrity, it would save my life. And it worked. It was a good choice at the time.
Process Questions
How was I been betrayed in the past?
How do I feel about having been betrayed?
How did this betrayal affect my ability to trust other people or the world?
How have I expressed my anger about having been betrayed?
What are some healthy ways that I can express my anger? Are there healthy things I can do to protect myself from being betrayed again in the future?
Chapter 23 – Trust
“We can only trust when we feel safe about being vulnerable.”
-Jason Goodwin
Trusting someone means believing they will act in our best interests and tell us the truth. Trust is a difficult issue for survivors of sexual abuse because we experienced the worst kind of betrayal.
First we must learn to trust ourselves. We must become men and women of our word.
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