Passions Wild And Free
Page 47
Randee had met with her mother after the woman’s arrival so they could talk about the past and about Payton’s fate. Dee had confided shamefully, “I used Payton to get over the pain of Randall’s loss. I know it was wrong to feel betrayed and angered by his death; I even blamed him for dying and leaving me. I needed someone to fill my time and mind so I couldn’t think about your father. I was so alone, Randee, so terrified and miserable. There was so much work and responsibility for you and the ranch. I feared what would happen to us. I had no one to hold, no one to comfort me, advise me, help me, defend me. I was so selfish that all I thought about was me, me, me!”
“It was a difficult time for you, Mother,” Randee noted softly.
“Not as bad as it was for you. I pulled away from you. I used you to punish Randall for deserting me. You are so like him, Randee, and I couldn’t bear that resemblance sometimes. That was wrong and cruel, Randee, but I couldn’t help myself. Every hour of the day and night, I knew Randall was gone forever. I wanted him and missed him so much that I ached all over. I don’t know what got into me. It was like … like I went crazy for a while, as if I had to move fast, as if I would suffer and die if I slowed down or stopped to think. Something evil and powerful, was pushing me onward, was controlling me.”
“You’ve had a long trip, and you have lots of unpacking and settling in to do. You don’t have to talk about this today, Mother.”
Dee stroked her daughter’s blond hair and refuted gently, “Yes, I do. Now that I understand what possessed me, I have to explain it all to you. I have to earn your forgiveness and love.”
“You know I love you,” Randee said honestly.
“Please, hear me out while I have the courage and words. Payton entered my life and took over when I was too vulnerable and too weak to resist. All I had to do was obey his orders and he would handle everything for me. I didn’t have to think or worry or be afraid. Noth ing concerned me except love and pleasure, or what I thought was a second chance at them. I got in deeper and deeper with him and lost myself. It was as if I were walking and living in foggy woods where I could see only mist, not myself or you, or what he was doing to us. I wanted to feel young, feel carefree and whole again. I wanted to smile and laugh, to be kissed and caressed. I wanted the terrible agony and emptiness to go away. In my crazed mind, I wanted to show your father I could replace him. For a long, time, I honestly believed Payton was filling my dreams and needs.”
Dee halted to catch her breath, but Randee held silent for her to continue in a few minutes. “I know you hated and mistrusted Payton. In my crazy state, all I feared was you driving him away and leaving me alone again with that awful anguish I’d endured at your father’s death. I was tormented by terror. I was irrational, blind, stupid. Payton was so clever and enslaving that I lost myself to him.”
“What made you come to your senses?” Randee asked kindly.
A pained expression filled Dee’s eyes and her voice choked. “After the baby was lost, I saw him as he was. He was mean and cold and cruel. He dominated me and humiliated me. It was clear he only wanted Ran dall’s ranch and a respectable image, and it was clear he was only using me. Hints and signs had always been there, but I had ignored and denied them because I couldn’t face the ugly truth about myself. I was so weak, so confused, so foolish. Randall wasn’t to blame for dying; he didn’t betray or desert me. He wasn’t careless and he didn’t want to leave us through death. How could I have pushed you away and punished you so cruelly when you needed me the most? We needed each other, Randee. I’m sorry I was too dazed and selfish to realize what was happening to me. Can you ever forgive me?”
Randee embraced her mother and smiled through happy tears. “Of course I forgive you and love you. I’m glad you told me everything, Mother, and I, truly understand. Don’t continue to blame yourself for a mistake. Father loved you dearly and you loved him. I can see how his sudden death grieved you and changed you. Maybe you can let go of that pain and loss now and begin anew here.”
Dee returned her daughter’s smile and agreed, “Yes, I think the dark past has finally freed me. I’m going to have a new life here, a happy one like Randall would, want for me. I’m going to forget Payton Slade ever existed, and I hope you’ll do the same.”
Randee felt it would accomplish nothing by revealing Payton’s evil toward her, so she held silent about it. Dee had suffered enough, too much. She let her mother believethe man had come to Texas to seek possession of the Carson Ranch, an act which had gotten him savagely beaten and killed in an ambush by “bandits.” She also didn’t think it wise or kind to tell her mother about the arrests— thanks to Marsh’s Kansas contacts—of Payton’s hirelings, or of their involvement in Randall Hollis’ murder. If Dee learned she had been sleeping with the man who had slain her love and who had tried to ravish her daughter, the woman’s new existence might be endangered.
Marsh and Randee cuddled together in their bed, talking and planning. She remarked cheerfully, “I think everything is going to work out wonderfully for Mother and Durango. They both have new lives, good ones. Too bad she’s too old for your brother,” Randee teased.
“You trying to find Durango a replacement for you?” he jested.
“Nope, just trying to find Mother a man almost as great as you.”
“If you’re looking for a proper match for Dee, I might know just the man. My old friend Jim Brinson has finished his duty at Fort Richardson and is heading this way to become our new sheriff. He’s the right age and has good breeding. He’s nice-looking, kind, gentle, and strong; you know, all those traits you women love in a real man.” He chuckled and nibbled at her ear. “After you meet Jim, you can decide if we should have them both to supper on the same night.”
Randee recalled the Army officer from the attack on the raiders near Jacksboro. Yes, she remembered, he was very nice-looking, a man with a sunny smile and a muscular build. After learning Jim Brinson was arriving soon to take Brody’s place as the sheriff of Wadesville, Marsh had told her all about his old friend. Yes, she concluded, Jim was the perfect selection for Dee Hollis Slade ….
Marsh kissed the nearly healed wound on her shoulder, hating to imagine what his life would be like without Randee. Her arms encircled his neck, and their kisses intensified their cravings.
He nuzzled her ear and murmured, “It amazes me, woman, but the more I have you, the more I want you. Mercy, but I love you and I’m glad I found you.”
Randee hugged him tightly as she teased, “Settling down isn’t so bad after all, is it, my roguish drifter?”
Marsh ticked her and replied huskily, “With you, nothing is bad, Randee Logan. And certainly not this.”
Her fingers wandered over his hard body, admiring its texture of soft skin over hard muscles. He made her feel so loved, so special.
Randee hoped her mother and his younger brother would one day find a love like theirs: strong, rich, wonderful, and enlivening. She wondered, If Marsh had been the youngest child and the men’s roles had been switched by Fate years ago, would she be married to the Durango Kid? Somehow she knew she would have loved and chosen and wed this man here with her tonight, no matter which role in life he had been given, be it Marsh Logan or the Durango Kid.
Their kisses and caresses waxed bolder. They stimulated each other to higher yearnings. Their passion blazed fiercely and brightly in the dark room, and the heat of it inflamed them. As if his lips were a branding iron, he marked his possession of her from head to foot.
Greedily, Randee responded to her handsome and virile lover, her cherished husband. He was so consuming. She writhed beneath him and urged him to take her fully and rapturously, which he did.
Together they savored the bond which would never, be broken between them. Together they claimed passions wild and free ….
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opyright © 1988 by Janelle Taylor
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Ninth printing: August, 1995
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