“Logan?” His gaze stayed on the gulf; his lips stayed pressed together. Rain poured down around them and lightning flashed every few seconds in the distance. Thunder rumbled long and low, but she barely noticed.
“Logan,” she said louder, more insistent. “Damn it, look at me.”
“You shouldn’t be out here. You’re going to get chilled and then get sick.” He kept his eyes focused on the water.
Stubborn man. “Then it appears we’ll be sick together. Besides, it’s warm and the rain feels good.” No response. “Please, Logan, talk to me.”
He turned to her then, anger radiating from him. “You want me to talk? Fine. I made a mistake and I don’t like making mistakes. I should never have touched you. You can rest easy it won’t happen again. Now go away.”
She touched his arm, and his muscles tensed under her fingers. “Why? What if I want it to happen again?”
“You’re Evan’s wife!” he practically shouted, jerking his arm away.
That might be a part of his problem, but there was more going on in his mind than just the idea she’d once belonged to Evan. “I was Evan’s wife, past tense. I loved him, you know that better than anyone, but he’s gone and he’s never coming back. Would you have me spend the rest of my life alone because I was once his?”
Instead of answering, he went and picked up his wet trousers, putting them on. He grabbed her wrap and handed it to her. “Put this on. I can’t think straight when you’re naked.”
Hiding her smile, she slipped the garment on, although as soaked as it was, she was still nearly naked. A bolt of lightning struck nearby, and she shrieked at the loud boom of thunder that immediately followed.
“Christ, first I take advantage of you, and now I’m going to get you killed,” he said, and grabbed her hand, dragging her under the overhang. “Sit,” he ordered, and pushed her toward a deck chair.
There was something sexy about an alpha male bossing her around. Not that she would stand for it when it mattered, but at the moment she rather enjoyed it. He left, returning shortly with two bath towels; he handed her one and then lit the candle on the table between them. She rubbed the towel over her hair and then wrapped it around her shoulders.
Logan stared moodily out at the rain, not speaking. There was still another secret he kept close—the one he’d said he wouldn’t talk about ever—but she sensed it was the one at the root of all his issues.
No matter what happened between them, even if they didn’t have a future together, she at least wanted to part company knowing he had put all his demons to rest. He would never be at peace otherwise, and this beautiful man deserved to be happy.
Dani stole a peek at him. He stared off into the distance, his body taut, his jaws rigid, his lips pressed firmly together. Apparently it was going to be up to her to get the conversation going again. She leaned her head back against the chaise and sighed. Men.
“You should know, I take issue with your claim that you took advantage of me. I’m a single, consenting adult, and I assure you, I was eager to consent. But back to my question, are you going to answer?”
He finally looked at her, but his expression was blank. “What question was that?”
She tried to decide whether to sigh again or roll her eyes, but maybe it would be more effective if she just bashed him on the head. “You’re not stupid, Logan, so don’t act like it. You don’t want to answer, do you? You know it’s unreasonable to expect me to remain celibate for the rest of my life, and you think you should tell me I deserve someone better than you, but you can’t bring yourself to say it.” His eyes flared. Well, she’d hit the nail on the head.
“You can and should find someone better than me.”
“Why? What makes you so bad? From what I know of you, you’re an amazing man. You made something of yourself when the odds were against you, you raised a lovely sister, you’re one of our country’s heroes, and you created a company that appears to be highly successful. Best of all, you make an awesome paella. Where’s the bad in all that? And if you say it’s in your blood, I’m going to go find one of those guns I know you’ve got hidden all over the house and shoot you just to put you out of your misery.”
Logan was self-destructing and he knew it, but like a cruise missile locked on its target, he couldn’t seem to keep it from happening. All the things she’d just praised him with might be true, but it was all a facade, a false front he’d erected to fool anyone who looked at him too closely. She wanted to know the bad in him? Fine, he’d enlighten her. See how amazing she thought him then.
“That other thing, the one I said I would never talk about—”
“You don’t have to tell me,” she interrupted, but her eyes said different. She wanted to know his dirtiest secret.
He leaned forward and glared at her. “Oh, but I do. You’ve got it in your mind I’m some kind of hero. What would you say if I told you . . .” He couldn’t say it. Couldn’t tell her about that damned, godforsaken morning.
The woman he would willingly die for, the one who’d given him his first taste of the pleasures he’d listened to other men talk about, sometimes joke about, lifted her leg and stroked her toes over the top of his foot.
“If you told me what?”
Her toes found their way to his knee, and he stupidly wondered how far they might travel. His cock responded to her touch the way it had since the day he’d walked in the door of her cabin. Pavlov’s dog—that was him and it fucking pissed him off.
“Little girl,” he growled, “you’re playing with fire. I may be new at this, but I promise, I pay close attention.”
“Fire can be a beautiful thing.” Her foot crept up a few more inches. “If you told me what, Logan? Come on, I dare you to say it.”
“You dare me? Fine then. I shared a bed with my mother. Satisfied?” That should have the desired effect of sending her back to Asheville, so far away he might be able to find some kind of peace of mind and forget all that happened that night. In about a hundred years.
Between anger and intense arousal, she’d somehow managed to suck the confession out of him, the one he’d sworn would never be spoken of to anyone, especially her. And even then, he tempered his words, made them less crude than he’d intended.
Her foot stilled. “While I understand what you mean, and it may well be true, I don’t think that’s the whole story. Start from the beginning. Something like, once upon a time, this is what happened.”
How could she be so blasé about what he’d just said? Apparently she wanted it spelled out. Logan pushed her foot off his leg. Although he wanted to look away, he kept his gaze on her, waiting to see her disgust, waiting for the moment when he would know he’d lost her forever.
“Once upon a time, this is what happened. I woke up to find my mother’s mouth on me.”
“I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’m liking your mother less and less.”
What the hell was wrong with her? “Do you not understand what I’m saying?”
“Yes, I do, and that was a horrible thing for her to do.”
She didn’t get it. “I had a hard-on,” he snarled. “I was turned on by my mother’s mouth wrapped around my cock.” He couldn’t put it any plainer than that.
She would get up and leave now, and letting her go would be the best thing he could do for her. Drained and embarrassed, Logan exhaled and fell back against his chair. Unable to bear watching her walk out, he closed his eyes.
Tomorrow, he would send her home with Buchanan after all. Making love to her should never have happened, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret the night. It was everything he’d imagined, and everything beyond imaginable. Because of his training, his memory was highly developed, and every touch, every sigh, the very moment she’d shattered in his arms were imprinted in his mind forever. At least he had that.
“How old were you?” sh
e asked softly.
He opened his eyes. She hadn’t left? “I’m done talking about it.”
“How old were you, Logan?”
A sigh escaped him. The woman could be relentless when she made up her mind to be. “Fifteen.”
“And you awoke to someone giving you a blow job?”
“Didn’t you hear what I said? It wasn’t just someone, it was my fucking mother.”
“But you didn’t know that at first. There isn’t a fifteen-year-old boy on this planet who wouldn’t wake up with a hard-on under those circumstances. What did you do when you realized what was happening?”
Jeez? That was the extent of her reaction? “You’re not going to let this go, are you?” Why she hadn’t fled to her room and locked her door, he didn’t know, but when she held out her hand, he grasped it, holding on for dear life.
“No, I’m not. What did you do?”
“In my haste to get away, I fell out of the bed and broke my nose on the nightstand.”
“So other than a bump on your nose, what’s your problem?”
He couldn’t help it, he laughed. With it came an easing of the two-ton weight on his chest. “I think you’re daft. Why doesn’t this disgust you?”
The look she turned on him was fierce. “Oh, trust me, it does, but my revulsion is directed at your mother. What she did was sexual abuse of her son. That is in all ways despicable and inexcusable, but Logan, listen well because this is the most important thing I can say and what you need to believe. A child is never to blame.” She squeezed his hand. “Not ever. You did nothing wrong, so stop thinking you’re some kind of sordid monster.”
“I can still hear her words as I crawled toward the door, trying to get away. She . . . she said, ‘I’m sorry, baby. I wasn’t trying to kill you. I just need a good fuck.’ I always thought I’d done something to deserve her attention turning on me. I just couldn’t figure out what.” He sank back against the chaise, wondering if he was having a heart attack. He’d never thought to, wanted to, or planned to confess his dirtiest secret.
“Oh God. I said almost the same words to you. No wonder you were so upset. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” Dani reached across the small table and placed her hand over his heart. “This heart of yours is pure, and you did nothing to deserve what she did to you. But, Logan, my words were the kind of play that happens between a man and woman attracted to each other. There’s a damned big difference in me saying them and your mother saying them. You get that, right?”
Not until now, he hadn’t. He’d lived with his shame for so long, he didn’t think it would be that easy to let it go. It wouldn’t go away overnight, he knew that, but for the first time, he thought there was enough light for him to find his way out of the tunnel. What could he possibly say that would tell her how much her words meant?
“I’m curious about something. How soon after that happened did the beach party take place?” she asked.
“Two nights later, why?”
Letting go of his hand, she stood and came to him, curling herself onto his lap. “No wonder you made your vow. It all makes sense now. Between erroneously thinking you were some kind of sexual deviant with tainted blood pumping through your heart and only days later, taking on the belief you had it in you to be a rapist, you did the only thing that made sense to you, the one thing you could think of to protect any woman crossing your path. Do you see how strong and honorable you actually were?”
No, he didn’t see it, but he would start trying. He would do it for her and because of her. And maybe he would do it a little for himself. The tears burning in his eyes surprised him. Not wanting her to see him cry, he stood and carried her back out into the rain.
“Just when I was starting to dry off, I’m going to get all wet again,” she said and giggled. She curved her hand around his neck, bringing his lips to hers.
“Sweetheart,” he whispered against her mouth. Sweetheart. Another first. He’d never before called a woman by an endearment. What an incredible night this had turned out to be.
Logan stood on the upper deck of the home he’d once only dreamed of owning, heard his beloved gulf pounding its waves against the sand, held the woman he’d secretly loved for so long, and kissed her while crying in the rain.
Tonight he was going to hold her close, and without saying the words, show her how much he loved her. Dropping her legs, he let her slide down his body. He pushed the wrap down her arms, letting it fall to the floor. The wind had died down and the rain had slowed to a drizzle. Stepping back, he looked at her body, glistening with droplets of water.
“Beautiful,” he whispered.
“Thank you. You’re not so bad yourself, but I’d be much happier if you’d lose the trousers.” She leaned back against the rail, and her lips curved into a teasing smile. “I want to see you, all of you.”
“Done,” he replied, and pushed them past his hips, stepping out of them. He kept his eyes on hers as he put his hands on the railing, caging her in. How could he be so hard and aching for her already after making love to her twice? Logan nuzzled her neck, lightly nipping her soft skin and then soothing it with his tongue.
She put her hands on his ass and tried to pull him closer. “You know, it occurs to me that you’ve taken to this sex thing like a duck to water.”
“Quack, quack,” he said, and dropped to his knees, wanting to make another fantasy come true. Tonight might be all he had with her, and he wasn’t going to waste any chances. He buried his face against her curls and deeply inhaled the musky scent of her arousal. It was earthy and intoxicating. How would she taste? She spread her legs and put her hands on his head. It was all the invitation he needed.
Mine. No other word existed in Logan’s mind but that. He feasted on her until she cried out his name and her knees buckled. Scooping her into his arms, he carried her to his bed and stretched out next to her. Her breasts beckoned and he touched a nipple with his finger.
She took his hand and stopped him. “I think you deserve a treat.” Pushing his hand to the side, she kissed her way down his body.
Logan tensed. She was about to do something he’d often dreamed about, yet dreaded. The last person who’d had her mouth on him had been his mother, and that vision disgusted him. His erection wilted just thinking of it. He grabbed her arm.
“Dani, don’t.”
Lifting her head, her eyes searched his, and then her gaze traveled down to his soft cock. Understanding entered her eyes.
“Logan,” she said softly, “you’re wide awake, so you know it’s me, Dani. This is something lovers do, and it will pleasure me just as much as you.” She chuckled then. “Well, maybe not quite as much pleasure for me as you, but don’t deny yourself knowing how this is supposed to feel when it’s with the right person. If you haven’t figured it out yet, that would be me.”
She grinned up at him like a little spoiled brat who knew she’d get her way. Whether it was her humor, the bottomless green eyes wanting something he could give her, or because she so easily saw and understood why he’d tried to stop her, Logan closed his eyes and put his hand on her cheek.
“Then show me what I’ve been missing, Dani.” He’d said her name so his brain would know whose mouth was lowering onto his cock. And, Christ, did she ever show him.
Much later, he rested his head on his hand and watched her sleep. He didn’t know what tomorrow held, didn’t know if he would ever have her in his bed again. Not willing to waste one second of his time with her by sleeping, he listened to her little, soft snore. Smiling, he put his arm around her waist and pulled her closer, spooning her.
So, his girl snored. Should he tell her? He thought he should because he didn’t doubt she would deny it with fire flashing from those Irish eyes. She would glare at him all hot and defiant. The thought made him hard.
He rolled over on his back and put an arm over his eyes. How was he to g
o on without her? Who would scowl at him and tell him he was being stupid? No one else in his life would dare. Well, maybe Mrs. Jankowski might, but it didn’t have the same effect. And then there was his hand. It no longer held the appeal it had before Dani.
The red numbers on the clock said it was four in the morning. Quietly slipping out of bed, he went out on the deck and collected their wet garments, the coffee cups, and wineglasses. Downstairs, he went outside, removed his shirt from the umbrella pole, and threw all their clothes into the dryer. Their dinner dishes were filled with leftover food and rainwater. Balancing them carefully, he took them inside, rinsed off the plates, and loaded everything in the dishwasher.
All the while, his thoughts centered on the woman asleep in his bed. Would she look at him tomorrow with those soft eyes? A SEAL motto filtered through his mind: The only easy day was yesterday.
If, in the morning, she acted as if their time together meant nothing to her, then tomorrow was going to be a bitch. Yesterday he could have moved forward in a life without her. Today, he didn’t think it possible. If he’d truly understood how much he needed her, he doubted he would have straddled his bike and turned the wheels in the direction of Asheville. Buchanan could have protected her just as well, and Logan wouldn’t have hesitated to send Romeo to her. Now, no one got near her but him, and that was likely going to be his downfall.
He no longer gave a damn. She was his.
Checking around, he saw no sign of their sexual romp through the house. Satisfied Mrs. Jankowski could find no reason to look at him with eyes too knowing, Logan returned to his bedroom and eased between the sheets.
Dani murmured and turned, snuggling into his body. He wrapped an arm around her waist and flattened his palm on her lower back. She quieted and her breathing evened. The idea that he had that kind of effect on her, even in her sleep, soothed him.
“Mine,” he whispered, his mouth near her ear. “You’re mine, Dani, and I’m keeping you.”
Crazy for Her (A K2 Team Novel) Page 19