by Gold, Bella
“What the fuck is this?”
I could hear Mason before I even stepped out of the elevator. He was back out on the floor for sure, and with a vengeance, it sounded like. He was yelling, screaming, and basically being a shit... and from what I could already tell, he was worse than ever.
I wanted to groan in despair at the hopelessness of the situation, but at least I already knew what sort of day it was going to be. It would be a terrible one, but Mason was out of his office. That had to be a positive step in the right direction. I sucked in a deep breath, trying to steel myself, and I made my way inside.
I glanced over to Mason as he yelled at someone, but the magnetism must have been gone because he didn’t even seem to notice me. Or maybe he was still hurting; he certainly didn’t look like himself at any rate. My heart did want to go out to him, but at the moment I had it caged. I wanted it protected. I couldn’t allow myself to get hurt in someone else’s spiral of self-destruction.
I needed to keep out of his way if I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of any of it today; I just needed to keep under the radar and to get my job done. I wasn’t sure if I was still supposed to be working and training under him but I really didn’t need to. I wanted to get started on my own anyway and this seemed like the perfect time. Hopefully, he wouldn’t even notice me gone...
I let out a breath at my desk, like a balloon deflating, and set about trying to work out what needed my attention first. The sad thing was, I felt like I was good at this job, I felt like it was a field that I could actually go far in, but I wasn’t enjoying it one bit. And that wasn’t just because of Mason and his moods.
I’d taken this job because it was the only thing that had been offered to me at the time, because I was desperate, and because I felt like it was something I could go far in, but it wasn’t really me. I didn’t even care that it was a male-centric, ego-driven world: that wasn’t the problem. The work just didn’t make me happy. I found the stocks boring, I didn’t get the same thrill everyone else did, and I didn’t feel the same level of ambition anymore.
Maybe, possibly if I didn’t have something going on with Mason, I would have considered looking for something else, because now my eyes had been opened, I realized that actually, my happiness was more important than ambition. I didn’t need to follow in my family’s footsteps; I needed to carve out my own path in life.
Anyway, there wasn’t any point in worrying about that now, and I just needed to get on with it. There was no way I could leave with so much left up in the air. Even if someone offered me a good job tomorrow, I didn’t think I could go for it, not until I worked out where Mason was at. While he was still stomping around the place, yelling at everyone, threatening firings left, right, and center, I still felt a little bit like I was needed.
Just as I settled on that decision, a shadow loomed in my doorway and I found myself staring up at the one person I’d been hoping to hide away from, my heart thundering in my chest.
“Everything okay?” I asked, looking him up and down. He had deep, dark circles under his eyes that matched mine – if anything, they were worse – crinkled in his cheeks, and a scruffy shirt on. He might have been acting the way he usually did but he really didn’t look it. Could everyone see that? Did they think it was because of me?
“I need to talk to you,” he gasped sadly. “Do you have a minute?”
“Erm... sure.” He looked weird. I had a horrible feeling that I wasn’t going to like where this was going. “Take a seat... or whatever.”
His fingers were grabbing so tightly onto my desk that his knuckles had gone white. He was angry, stressed, and probably should have been anywhere else in the world but here. “As you know,” he started purposefully, “everyone is talking about us, and I can’t have that. I just can’t.” He was shaking his head, but he continued talking as if he was completely oblivious to my inner turmoil. I clenched my teeth and lips together trying to keep it all inside, because if he didn’t want to see how distressed I was, then I didn’t want to show it. “You know more than anyone else what I’m going through.”
“I can help you,” I leaned in instinctively, my icy exterior forgotten in a heartbeat. “I can get you through whatever you’re going through.”
“No,” he snapped harshly. “I don’t want you to help, I don’t need your help. I just need to get through it.”
“So what do you want me to do?” I hated that this was the first honest conversation we’d actually had about us, and it was under such strained conditions. It was him distancing himself, losing himself in his sadness. I could see some of what was going on under the surface, and all I wanted to do was reach out to him and hold him close to me.
But I couldn’t, because he didn’t want me to.
“I just want you to... work. Just get your work done, nothing more. We can’t work late, we can’t hang out, nothing. Everyone needs to see this isn’t a thing. I just can’t stand anyone saying anything about me when I already have so much on my plate.”
I almost commented that people were going to discuss him anyway, due to his appearance, but I decided against it at the last moment. I simply nodded instead, too confused to really argue. “Yeah, okay, whatever.”
He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times as if he wanted to say something more, but in the end, he simply stood up and left the room in silence. It wasn’t until that moment my heart shattered. He might have only been saying those things out of pain, but they still hurt.
Maybe it was time for me to start looking for something else. Maybe it really was time to move on. Did I want to stay here for Mason, sacrificing my own happiness along the way? Could I stand it? I certainly didn’t want to do anything rash...
***
My choice to definitely start searching for something didn’t come until much later that afternoon. I was minding my own business, getting on with the work that needed to be done when Mason came up and started yelling at me for no apparent reason. The fact that it was for something I hadn’t even done made it even worse. It felt like he was just doing it to prove to everyone that if there was something between us before, then there definitely wasn’t now.
I was sickened to be made a fool of, to be used in that way. It was horrible. How the hell could he be so damn cruel?
As he screamed at me, acting as if I was a naughty child, and I just stood there and silently took it, my insides churning the whole time. If this was what he needed to do to save face, then so be it, but I’d be out of the door soon enough. I wasn’t going to take it for another damn second.
It was so difficult to match this man with the same guy that had taken me out on a date, that had made sweet love to me, but it was him all right. If this was what trauma turned him into, if this was how he reacted to bad things, then I couldn’t stick around and be in the firing line forever. I just wouldn’t be able to stand it. I had my own emotions too, and he had to recognize that much.
Once he’d finished yelling, I turned on my heels and raced to the bathroom, just to stop myself from saying all the things I needed to say back. I had to control my emotions for now, at least until I’d found somewhere else to go. I really didn’t want to end up fired. Luckily Brooke was already in there, giving me someone to rant to.
“This has gone one step too far now,” I gasped angrily to her. “This morning he tells me he can’t see me anymore because he’s afraid what everyone will say. I agree meekly and the next thing he’s yelling at me in front of everyone for something that someone else did.” I was pacing the room, tugging on my hair, my temper boiling over. “I need to get out of here, I need to go.”
“You can’t leave,” she pleaded, grabbing my arm. “We all love you, we don’t want you to go. What will we all do without you? You’re one of us now!”
“I know, but...” I trailed off, mainly because I didn’t have anything else to say at that point. I had no arguments left within me. I did want to stay, to keep my first-ever circle of friends, but what was I
really willing to sacrifice to keep them?
“Just give him a while, let him recover.”
I nodded, agreeing with her, but inside I knew I’d still keep an eye on the job market just in case. This was pushing me too far, testing my limits, and if I wasn’t careful, I’d end up exploding like wildfire. I didn’t want to burst into tears and I didn’t want to end up yelling either. All I wanted to do was work. The rest of it was a nightmare I could have done without.
I needed to find something that I was passionate about, a job I could do while nursing my broken heart. I needed a distraction to make me forget about this whole sorry mess.
Chapter Twelve
“Thank you for your application. We would like to offer you the position...”
I re-read over the job acceptance, again and again, my heart flip-flopping as I did. I had it, the opportunity of a lifetime, a job that I was actually really excited about, but I still didn’t feel good about taking it. I still felt awful about leaving all of this behind. It might not have been much – in fact, at the moment it was damn dreadful – but still, it felt a bit like giving up to walk away.
Still, it was too late to look back now. I’d handed in my notice; I was on my way out of here.
I hadn’t even really been looking for something new, not seriously. I was only keeping my eye out in case things turned unbearable here, so the interview had come as something of a surprise. After a particularly rough afternoon, I’d emailed out my CV to a bunch of nearby companies, then forgotten all about it. I certainly never expected to get an interview, followed by a job offer, and certainly not in marketing. I’d never seen myself as creative enough for such a position, but I nailed all of the questions, I grew increasingly pumped by the idea as we spoke, and it seemed that was enough to get me an offer.
On the one hand, I was relieved: I really needed this fresh start, I wanted a job that thrilled me every day, and also I wanted to be far away from the hell of this job. Mason was still terrible, probably worse than ever, and it had a black cloud hanging over the place. No one was in a good mood, everyone felt uncomfortable, and it made productivity really low.
However, there was the fact that saying goodbye meant leaving a whole lot behind. I’d be leaving my friends, and although we’d still hang out, it was never going to be the same, and I was kissing goodbye any chance of anything ever happening with Mason again. Sure, he hadn’t exactly been showing me any signs of anything recently, but if I left, that would lock the door behind us both forever.
I hated sitting there writing my resignation note; it cut a big deep hole in my heart, but I needed to. I had to leave it was for my own self-contentment. I had to be happy, and this wasn’t working for me anymore.
I sighed deeply, regret washing over me before I set about trying up all the loose ends that I needed to get finished before leaving. I had no idea who was going to take over all of my accounts, but I wanted them to do it well. I didn’t want to make anyone else have an even harder time here than they were already going to have.
I mean, if I really thought about it, it was so clear that Mason was going through a really rough time. I wasn’t sure what decision he’d made regarding his father’s funeral, but it had made him a mess. I wanted to continue focusing on that, I wanted to feel sorry for him because he needed it, but if he wasn’t going to let me in, then what was the point. How much could I do? I could only help someone that wanted to be helped.
“What the fuck is this?!”
My heart sunk as I heard it again, the very familiar sound of Mason screaming. The pumping heart it gave, the sickness that instantly swirled in my stomach were things I wouldn’t miss. I was glad to put that side of this to the back of my mind, never to worry about again.
“Mel... where the fuck is she? I can’t have this!”
Oh God, this was about me. I closed my eyes for a second, trying to take in some deep and calming breaths before facing the inevitable. I couldn’t think of anything I’d done wrong recently – not that it always mattered – so I assumed this was going to be about my note of resignation. Whatever his issue was, it should have been discussed in private, just between the two of us, but there was no hope of that.
I stood up slowly, accepting my fate, and I walked out into the main room where his ranting had everyone cowering in a corner.
“You called for me?” I tried to keep my dignity by demanding to know what his problem was, but the nerves tremored through my voice uncontrollably. “Can... can I help you?”
“What is this?” he crumpled the piece of paper above his head, an angry vein popping in his forehead. I’d never seen him look quite so red and riled up. “You’re leaving? You’ve been offered a better opportunity elsewhere?” I pursed my lips, refusing to play his shitty game. “I gave you a chance when no one else would, I took your brother’s word, I did him a favor, and this is how you repay me?”
It was hard for me not to answer back then. He was totally belittling all my hard work, pretending I was a charity case, ignoring all the good I’d done for him. I had to pump my fists beside me and grit my teeth, trying to keep it all inside.
“What’s this amazing new job you have then? Who’s picked you up? Hmmm? Who do I have to thank for taking you off my hands?”
Taking me off his hands? Was this guy for real? “I’m leaving because I feel my talents would be better used elsewhere.” I was trying my best to keep it under control, but my anger was starting to burst through. “I’m sorry that you’re so upset about me leaving—”
“Upset?” he sneered, flicking his eyes everywhere, smirking at the other workers in turn. “Why the hell would I be upset about you leaving? You’ve been nothing but hard work. I’ve had to spend hours training you, and you still don’t get it. I’m glad to see you go; you’ve never fit in here.”
I gulped down the massive ball of emotion that lodged in my throat. He could say what he wanted, he could put me down all that he wanted: I wasn’t going to react.
“So go, and don’t worry about working out your notice; you’d be better off leaving right now. The quicker I get someone in to replace you, the better.”
I nodded slowly, my heart rate kicking up like crazy. I wanted to do this in a dignified way, but it seemed that we weren’t going to have that. It seemed that it was going to end as explosively as I’d half expected it to. “Right, okay, I’ll go now.” I could hear a disappointed noise coming from the other side of the room, one that I thought was probably coming from Carly, but I couldn’t bear to drag my eyes away from Mason to check. “Thank you for the chance. I... I really appreciate it.”
I turned around and headed back to my office, to end this with some pride still behind me, but then I heard Mason stage whisper behind me for the amusement of everyone else. “What a girl.”
That was it; I wasn’t going to take any more. He could take his hurt out on me if he wanted if it made him feel better to mock one of his employees, then fine. But there was no way in hell I would let him put me down because of the sex I was born. I’d spent enough of my life suffering that.
I turned on my heels and moved slowly towards Mason, temper, and frustration running through my veins. All the weeks of pent up emotions burst free from me and there wasn’t anything he could do to hold me back now.
Mason stared at me, his eyes widening as I moved, almost as if he’d sensed that he’d taken it one step too far. Unfortunately for him, his pride rendered him speechless, so he couldn’t even apologize. I could see it affecting him, though; he had sweat bursting out on his forehead.
“Fuck you,” I whispered, before pulling back my hand and slapping him hard across the face. He needed to be taken aback, he needed to learn a lesson. The sound rang out around the whole building and was followed by a stillness. It was silent, everyone was waiting for either of us to say something, but we couldn’t. We just shared a look, one that was filled with anger, sadness, and regret, and then I left.
As I walked into my office, my heart
raced like crazy and my mouth filled with cotton. While I picked up my bag, nausea swirled through me. When I stepped into the elevator, it all felt like a nightmare that I just couldn’t wake up from.
I recalled the day I first came up here, filled with excitement and nerves. If I’d known then that it would end in such a heartbreaking way, then maybe I wouldn’t have bothered. I might have focused my attention elsewhere instead. Yes, it would have meant giving up the good times with Mason, but I could barely remember them now, they were totally overshadowed by all that had come afterwards.
Anyway, it was time to forget about all of that now; it was time to focus on moving on, on starting afresh. As the cold air hit my face, I grabbed my cell phone out of my bag and I put in a call to my stepbrother, just needing someone to talk to. He understood Mason, he knew him, and he knew me too so he was the only one who could give impartial advice.
“Hello?” Before he’d even finished speaking his greeting, I was in floods of tears. I didn’t even recognize that I needed to cry until that moment, but now I couldn’t stop.
“E... Ethan?” I stammered. “I’m sorry, I left the job. I walked out on Mason.”
“You did?” he sounded gutted at that. “Oh no, I’m sorry. What happened?”
As I regaled the whole sorry tale, leaving out only the part where we hooked up – oh, and also the bit where I smacked his friend in front of everyone – I felt something inside of me lighten. Yes, it was sad to say goodbye to all of this, but it hadn’t been the most successful relationship – or career for that matter – in the world. I only clung onto Mason for so long because I felt such a connection with him because we had such intense chemistry.