by Gold, Bella
I could get that again with someone else now that I was much more open to looking. Mason wasn’t the only man I’d feel that way about. Soon enough, I would look back on this doomed affair as a learning curve I needed to suffer, nothing more.
“So, you’re starting a marketing career in a couple of weeks?” Ethan asked curiously. “That sounds really interesting, I bet you’ll be great at the creative side. And who knows, there might be a lot of chance for traveling soon!”
“Yeah, it has to be much better.” It sure as hell couldn’t be worse! All the memories were flooding right through me, I couldn’t believe I’d put up with it for that long. “Anyway, I look forward to seeing you when you visit. Thanks for listening to me rant. You’ve made me feel a lot better.”
“Anytime; you know I’m always here for you.”
As we hung up and I crashed through the front door of my apartment, I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I didn’t need Mason or his business; I could do better. This was about to be the first day of the rest of my life, and that was something to be excited about. I needed to put the past behind me now and think only about the future.
Mason was gone; now it was all about me.
Chapter Thirteen
I practically skipped down the road as I walked towards the restaurant where I was meeting my friends for lunch. I hadn’t seen Carly, Brooke, and the others since I’d left two months ago, but that was only because I’d been so busy starting with my brand new career. I’d kept in touch with them, I just hadn’t had the freedom to go and see them, so I was incredibly excited to get that chance. I had so much to tell them!
“Hey!” Carly screamed excitedly as she spotted me, jumping up and down. “Oh my God, Mel, how are you? It’s been far too long.”
As we all hugged one another, it hit me how much I’d missed my group of friends. I loved these girls; they were awesome, and from now on, I’d make much more of an effort to see them. They were the first real friends I’d had, and I really couldn’t let them go. “I’m great; how are you?”
“You first!” Ash insisted as we all sat down and grabbed our menus. “You’re the one with all the news. Tell us about your new job. We want to hear everything.”
“Oh my God, it’s amazing...” I became more and more animated as I told them all about my exciting new marketing career. It turned out I was amazing at it, even better than I was with numbers, and I had a passion for it too. I got a genuine thrill from landing a new account and designing a campaign. I loved working with designers and advertisers; I enjoyed sorting the budget out in the best way possible to get the most for the client. “So the boss loves me, and I’m on my way to getting my own team already! I can’t believe how well it’s going.”
I had a big smile on my face as I spoke like I was wearing a coat hanger between my cheeks. It just made me so happy to have found my true calling in life. Maybe my dad hadn’t been overly impressed when I told him, he thought marketing was beneath me, but I didn’t care. His opinion didn’t matter to me anymore. I only cared what I thought; this was my life after all.
“Urgh, we’re so jealous,” Carly grinned happily at me. “I mean, we’re glad you’ve found your calling in life, and we love to see you doing so well, but I want to work where you are. It has to be better than what we’re all stuck doing.”
The air was thick; this was my chance to ask about Mason and what life was like working back at his company, but even the mere thought of it took me flying backwards. The last few weeks simply vanished and the thick, strangling cold sensation encased my heart. I was so much better out of there. I couldn’t believe I’d stuck it out as long as I had. It seemed madness looking back.
“Yeah,” I eventually murmured, flicking my eyes towards the menu. “Yeah, I bet.”
“To be fair,” Brooke jumped in, seemingly unaware of my inner turmoil, “Mason is much better these days. He doesn’t yell as much, he treats his staff like humans, it isn’t as awful as it was before...”
A still silence clung over the air and I felt everyone’s eyes turn to face me. “W... what?” I stammered cautiously. “Before what?” Were they about to bring up our ill-advised fling? Was I going to have to rehash everything all over again? I’d spent so long pushing it to the back of my mind that I wasn’t sure I could drag it all backup.
“Well,” she shrugged, her face flushing with embarrassment as if she now realized this was something she shouldn’t have said. “Ever since you slapped him. I don’t know if we’re allowed to talk about it now or not, but I think that moment really changed him. He’s been different ever since.”
“You do?” I leaned in closer despite myself. I couldn’t help feeling intrigued, however much I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t even bring him up. “In what way?”
“Well, he went quiet for a while, no one saw him, but then he eventually came back to work much happier. It was as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He’s happier, more pleasant, he actually listens to people... he even took us all out for a staff meal a little while ago.”
I didn’t like that one bit. It might have been the way I felt too, but that was because he’d been yelling at me all the time. I didn’t feel like he had the right to feel that way about me. I hadn’t done anything wrong. My eyes pricked with tears but I refused to let any of them fall, not in front of these girls. I wanted them to believe that I had it all together now, that I just didn’t care. I didn’t want to be the sad girl who couldn’t get over her ex-fling. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. Not when I felt like I’d been doing so well.
“Oh, right,” I forced myself to stammer. “That’s great. I’m glad to hear that you have a better environment to work in.” My whole body was shaking, and I wasn’t sure why. What did I expect? Did I want Mason to hang around for me forever? Did I want him to be sad? Certainly not after everything he’d already been through. “It must be nice.”
“We still miss you though,” Carly put her hands over mine and gave me a smile. “It isn’t the same without you. Would you ever consider coming back?”
I pondered on that for a moment, imagining what it would be like to stroll back in with my head held high. “Mason wouldn’t have me,” I shot back as the sickness swirled in my tummy. “But even if he would, I couldn’t do it. I love where I am now, I adore my job.” Nope, I couldn’t do it. Not for a million dollars; it wasn’t worth my mental health.
“Yeah, I know,” she shrugged sadly. “I get that. We just miss seeing you every day.”
“Me too,” I gasped, regret flooding me. “Now that I’m more established, we will definitely meet up for lunch more. Drinks too. I feel so bad that I just got so wrapped up in everything.”
The waiter came and we all ordered our food, and by the time it was brought to us, the subject had been changed completely. No longer were we talking about work: the subject of romance had come up instead, and the girls we dissecting every part of a date that Carly had recently been through.
“I mean, he was nice enough, but I just didn’t feel that initial spark, you know?” she mused thoughtfully. “Is it wrong for me to dismiss him on those grounds? Could something develop?”
I wanted to jump in, I wanted to tell her that chemistry was so important and that if she wasn’t feeling it, then she shouldn’t go for it, but I couldn’t. Not when the only person I’d ever felt that way about was Mason and that certainly hadn’t worked out well.
“Maybe you should give it one more date,” Brooke replied, nodding as if she was saying something very wise. “Maybe he was nervous, and then his personality didn’t shine through. Just one more night will let you really know, you know?”
“I don’t know,” Hali shook her head. “I think you should go out with Graham; he’s liked you forever and he’s super cute.”
“Boring, though... hey, Mel, what are the guys like at your new office? Anyone cute around?”
“Erm...” in all honesty there were a few nice guys, bu
t none of them sparked my interest. I was still a little fragile about Mason. “Joe is nice,” I half shrugged. “He has his own team too, and he’s really ambitious...” Oh God, I didn’t seem to be selling him well; I felt like I could sense pity coming at me from every angle. “He’s the tall, dark, and handsome type.” I couldn’t totally recall his face right now, but I hoped I was doing okay.
“So, are you gonna go out with him?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, but the reality had hit me: I was going to have to start dating at some point, and I needed to begin somewhere. Maybe a nice guy like Joe was exactly what I needed. He was the total opposite of Mason... maybe that was as good a place as any to start. “Maybe. We’ll see.”
“Well if you do and he has any friends... don’t forget about us!”
It felt really good to laugh and catch up with my friends, but it had dragged a whole lot of suppressed stuff up. I’d been blowing past everything, getting on with it with my head down, but I couldn’t only do that if I wanted to live. A whole part of this messy learning curve was supposed to be getting my life in order, having all these experiences that I hadn’t had before.
“God, we need to have a night out soon,” I nodded seriously. “It’s been too long since I’ve had some fun.”
As the girls pitched in and arranged a night for us all on Friday, I felt, even more, content. Yes, I was still smarting over this thing with Mason, there was no escaping that, but I was proactively moving on too. I just had to take that one step further. I’d never gone out actively looking for love before, but now I knew how good it could be, and if it was done in the right way and I didn’t have to suffer the heartbreak afterwards, it would all be worth it.
I wanted love, I wanted someone who made me a better version of myself, I wanted to be the person I could have been with Mason. For the first time in my life, I wanted a best friend, a lover, someone to share the highs with, someone to make the lows more bearable, someone to share my everyday news with. I could see how nice it would be to have someone there at the end of the day. A great career, success, money: that was all well and good but it just wasn’t the same.
I just had to make sure the next guy I picked was the right one for me.
As we hugged and said our goodbyes, Carly hung back for a second to talk to me alone. “Are you okay?” she asked me cautiously. “I mean, I know you said you are, but I just wanted to check.”
My heart went out to her and I pulled her in for a hug. Carly was the one who had been there from the beginning; she’d shared my first day, brought me into the friendship group. I’d trusted her enough to let her know the full details about Mason and I, the sort that no one else knew. She was a great friend and I was lucky to have her.
“I’m getting there,” I told her honestly. “I will be okay in the end.”
“Well, I think he misses you,” she shrugged and half smiled. “You know what Mason’s like - he’ll never ask about you, he’s too proud, but I keep getting the impression that he wants to.”
Oh God, if only that were enough. If only I could use that as an excuse to run back into his arms, but I was being strong now, I was moving on. “Thanks for letting me know,” I nodded smilingly. “But things are different now. I’m different. It’s just better this way. I’m happier.”
If only that were true...
“Yeah, you’re probably right. Anyway, it’s been good to see you. I look forward to Friday.”
Chapter Fourteen
“I’m so glad we’re finally doing this,” Joe grinned at me over the dinner table, making me shift uncomfortably in my seat. “I was a little shocked when you called me last night at some crazy hour, but now I can see this is an awesome idea. In a weird way, we’re really suited to one another. Right? You just needed a bit of booze for the confidence to ask!”
I grinned blearily, trying to keep my very obvious hangover under wraps. “Yeah, yeah I know.” I should never have agreed to this the evening after a big night. In fact, looking at this perfectly nice guy in front of me, the one that I felt absolutely nothing for, I never should have agreed to it at all. I was dressed up in a loose-fitting black dress and heels; I’d even gone as far as to comb my hair, but I didn’t look date ready and I really didn’t feel it.
It was safe to say that me and my group of friends had gotten more than a little carried away on Friday night, but it had just been so long since we’d all had fun together and I certainly needed to blow off some steam. We’d ended up drinking too much, dancing too late, then all calling guys to go out on a date with. We made the stupid decision we all needed to kick start our love lives and that it had to be done right away.
Now I was suffering the consequences of that decision.
“You don’t think it’ll be weird at work, though, right?” he peered at me as if he were trying to decipher my mood. “I’ve never dipped my pen in the company ink, so to speak.”
I wasn’t myself, I didn’t feel right, and because of that, my breaths started to come in ragged as a panic circled my heart. I didn’t want to be on a date with Joe; I wished I’d never mentioned his damn name. I was just trying so hard to get over Mason. “Sorry,” I gasped noisily. “I just need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back in a minute.”
I staggered through the restaurant, stumbling a little bit. I wasn’t sure if it was shock or the alcohol still in my system, but I couldn’t stand up totally straight. I just needed a moment by myself to get all in order. If I could just splash some cold water on my face, everything would be okay. I needed to be myself if I was going to get through this with any dignity intact.
But as the ice coldness hit me and I stared at my reflection in the mirror, the harsh lighting made me look insane. If only I wasn’t so cowardly, and afraid of what my friends would think if I bailed on my date while they all went on theirs, I would have contacted Joe earlier to tell him I didn’t actually mean it. Now I’d made things awkward for myself at the office and there wasn’t any need. There would certainly be gossip.
He was never going to be the one for me, he didn’t drive me wild with lust, I didn’t have an intense, powerful connection with him, I didn’t feel like I might die if I couldn’t kiss him- there was just no sizzling chemistry between us. The most I could ever be with this guy was friends. Maybe in the past, I would’ve seen potential, but not anymore. Not now that I’d seen the light.
I grabbed my phone out my pocket, ready to call Carly to give me some advice, before remembering that she would be out too. She was on a date with Gary, or Graham, or someone... the guy she thought was boring. But still, I couldn’t interrupt, just in case. Maybe she wasn’t going through the same drama as me and she was actually enjoying herself.
I rolled through the names in my phone book looking for someone I could contact. I guessed Ethan was one option but he’d popped home recently and we’d had lunch together; I knew he was going to Vietnam for months and there wasn’t much reception where he was staying. Plus I’d opened up to him a little bit about spending time with Mason and he felt totally weird about it. I didn’t want to make it worse for him by bringing another guy’s name into the picture.
‘Mason.’
His name was still in my phone book. I couldn’t get rid of it. I kept trying, but I couldn’t seem to hit that final ‘delete’ button. I ran my fingers over the letters, my heart accepting the feelings all over again. Maybe it was stupid to try to move on so quickly when I clearly wasn’t ready; maybe rushing into love once more to try to heal my wounded heart wasn’t going to work.
I was torn between hitting dial, calling him and begging him to come back to me, and finally putting this mess to bed once and for all. I yearned for him, I needed him, but he was horrible to me and I had to forget him for that. I had to try to date the nice guy...
I sighed deeply and shoved my phone back into my pocket and made my way back out to the table. Joe was nice, he wouldn’t ever be mean to me or shame me in front of people, and I had to give him a chance
. He didn’t have to be the man I married; I could just have some fun with him. I could just kick-start my dating life once more.
“Hey, you okay?” I smiled thinly. “Have you decided what you want to order yet?”
“Yeah, the steak looks good, what do you want...?”
I did my best, I really tried to act normal, but I wasn’t feeling it. I couldn’t shake the idea that there wasn’t any chemistry between us. I tried to flirt, I even did my best to be friendly, but it wasn’t coming across well. I felt like I was making an idiot out of myself.
So I set about drinking instead... probably not my wisest decision since I’d drunk too much the night before. The only thing I managed to achieve by that was putting Joe off of me forever. I just hoped that he felt so awkward about it all that he didn’t ever discuss it at work... but to be perfectly honest, even if he did, I could suffer it. I’d been talked about in the office before and that was so much worse because I actually cared. So what if I was the girl too drunk to be a decent date? Who cared?
As I staggered through my front door having said an uncomfortable goodbye to the man who was still gentlemanly enough to walk me home after everything, I grabbed my phone once more. It had to be late; at least one of the girls had to be done with their dates so I could tell them the sad, sorry story. If they could make me laugh about it, then maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad. At least I’d tried, at least I went... they had to be proud of me for that!
But every single one of their phones went to voicemail, prompting me to look at the clock. That was the horrifying moment I realized it was only half past nine. My date had been such a shambles that it had only lasted for two lousy hours! What a sad case...
I just couldn’t act without that chemistry; that was something that couldn’t be faked at all. God damn Mason, he’d ruined me for other men! If there was no spark, it couldn’t ever become something. I couldn’t even give it a chance. It sucked.