Everything That You Are

by Nikki McCoy

  Missy, who had taken in the whole incident with wide, incredulous eyes, now burst into laughter and followed after Katherine. “Wow. That was so cool! Will I be able to do that when I’m older?”

  Katherine gave her a conspiratorial smile and breezed past him into the house as if she had not just threatened violent pain to the woman who had insulted his mate. She held out a cloth bag to him that she had previously discarded on the porch.

  “Well? Where’s my new son?”

  Michael took the proffered sack from her hand and placed it on the couch. “He’s in the kitchen. Things got a little out of hand even before you showed up.”

  Katherine raised her eyebrows and asked, “What happened? Is he okay? I swear to Mother Earth, if that vile woman hurt a single hair on his head, I’ll tear her…”

  “Mom! Geez! And here I thought you were the peacemaker of the family. I’m almost afraid to tell you that it was my fault. Because I haven’t told anyone but you two that my mate is male, he thinks that I don’t want him. Let me go and try to smooth things over before we join you.”

  “Go on, son. We’ll be out here for a bit, but if he doesn’t feel like talking, we’ll just see you both in the morning,” Sam said.

  Michael sent him a grateful look, strode over to his mom to kiss her on the temple, then raced for the kitchen. He’d been desperate to get to his mate ever since he had run from the room. He couldn’t wait any longer. Just as he got to the doorway, he stopped to get his emotions under control.

  He wanted to touch Kaden, but couldn’t risk harming him any more than he already had. After several deep breaths, he walked tentatively into the room and looked around, but couldn’t find the slight form of the pup anywhere.

  He walked quickly to the guest bedroom Missy was using, then searched the downstairs bathroom only to come up empty. Fear seized his heart as he bounded up to the second floor and looked in his bedroom as well as the adjoining bathroom, both devoid of his mate.

  As he reached the head of the stairs, he bellowed, “Dad!” His father reacted instantly, meeting him in the downstairs hallway, alert to the stress in his son’s voice.

  Michael continued to re-check the entire downstairs as he ground out, “He’s not here. Dad, he’s gone. I can’t find him. Oh Mother, he’s on his own. He’s…”

  Sam had to grab his arm so tightly that he nearly wrenched it out of its socket before he could bring Michael’s frantic search to a halt.

  “Michael!” he shouted. When his son finally stopped to look at him, he asked, “Was Kaden in the kitchen before we got here?”

  Michael had to forcefully slow his breathing until he was able to answer, “He ran in there right before you showed. At least that’s what I thought.”

  “Did you check the back door?”

  Michael thought about that and cursed as he realised he hadn’t. Running back to the kitchen with Sam close on his heels, he felt his lungs constrict as he saw that the door leading from the kitchen to the back yard was indeed open a few inches.

  “Dad, shit. My mate…” He was beyond coherent words as he realised that he had lost his mate again due to his negligence.

  Without another thought, he stripped and let the feverish rush of warmth consume him as he reached for his wolf form. The communion of his body and soul with Mother Earth was exhilarating and humbling at the same time. She took his devotion of spirit and allowed her own energy to flow through him, consuming him and giving him the strength he needed to keep the delicate balance between his own consciousness and that of the new form she bequeathed to him. The whole transformation took no more than a second, and he was bounding out of the door in the next.

  He shook out his thick coat, rejoicing in the sharpening of his already keen senses this form brought to him, and paused to inhale deeply. His mate’s scent was strong, and he immediately headed in the direction of the sweet smell of ocean spray and wild flowers.

  He became vaguely aware of Sam flanking his left side as he rushed headlong into the night, leaping over fallen branches and dodging tree trunks in his path. The memory of his mate’s carefree laughter from their day spent at the lake rang in his ears, and the pain at the thought of never being able to hear that again almost caused him to collide with a large fir tree, but he swerved at the last moment to narrowly avoid it.

  He reminded himself that Kaden would never abandon his sister, which meant that he would have to come back eventually, but that did little to ease the guilt of his latest mistake.

  He felt Sam open the mental link they shared as Alphas and heard him say, “Michael, this direction leads to the ravine. Did you go over the lay of the land with him yet?”

  Fear twined its way around his heart at his father’s words. “No. Dad, he hasn’t shifted yet. I don’t think his senses are heightened enough to see the edge with so little light.” Kaden may be part were, but he wouldn’t truly develop the advanced senses of a wolf until he merged his soul with Mother Earth. The moon was nearly full but its beams could only partially penetrate the thick canopy of tree leaves and branches above them.

  “Faster, son. I think I see him.”

  The beating of light footsteps on the ground ahead of him had his heart racing and he took another deep breath. The smell of his mate was getting stronger. There, to his right. He caught a glimpse of bare, pale feet streaking ahead of him. They were roughly a mile from the house but he couldn’t detect a slowing in his mate’s frantic flight. He was close. So close.

  “Faster!”

  That’s when he saw the sheer drop. He howled out a loud warning to his mate, but Kaden wouldn’t stop. Just yards from the border, his steps faltered and Michael knew he’d finally noticed the difference between the darkness of the land and the black emptiness of open space, but it was too late. Kaden’s forward momentum pulled him, stumbling, across the last few feet, and he tumbled over with a frightened cry.

  Michael didn’t even think twice. He doubled his speed and barely heard the warning growl from his father before he leapt over the edge. He shifted in mid-jump so that after a few seconds of weightlessness, his human form slammed into that of his mate and he wrapped his entire body protectively around the slight frame. Time was suspended as they plummeted together, buffeted by crisp gusts of wind, before tumbling into the raging water below. The force of their fall plunged them into darkness.

  Chapter Six

  Kaden awoke to the feeling of suffocation. Warmth surrounded him on all sides and a crushing weight seemed to be wrapped around his ribcage. He tried to breathe, but something was covering his face, blocking off precious oxygen.

  Memories flooded his mind and he was back in the basement, recovering from his latest beating. A solid, black hood covered his head, secured by a buckle at the back of his neck. There was no room to move…no air. Kaden started to struggle, desperate to get free of his prison. How had Gregory caught him? He’d been so careful. This wasn’t happening. Not again.

  “Kaden, enough!” a sharp, rumbling voice said, stilling him instantly. The tone of it resonated throughout his back, sending waves of vibrations into his bones. He knew that voice. It was strong and commanding and wrapped him up in a steel embrace that he never wanted to climb out of.

  His mate.

  The words echoed through his mind before he could fully comprehend their meaning. He could feel the promise of dominance and protection and loyalty in the powerful arms currently squeezing the life out of him. He tried to take a breath to speak, but the man with the death-grip on him from behind only squeezed tighter. He tried struggling again, but it brought the hold around his ribs to the point of pain.

  All he could do was whimper his distress. As soon as the sound escaped him, the hold immediately loosened, but still didn’t give him a square inch to move around in. Kaden took several deep breaths before trying to talk, but his first word came out as more of a croak. He tried to clear his throat but it felt like he had swallowed sandpaper which was now glued to his vocal cords.

>   After another attempt, he was racked by a fit of coughing and felt his upper body lifted into a sitting positions. Tears sprang to his eyes and prevented him from seeing the glass of water being pressed to his lips.

  He started to brush the object away until that deep voice resounded again, saying, “Drink.”

  At once, he stopped struggling, as if that voice was connected directly to the synapses of his nerve cells, forcing his body to heed its command. As soon as he felt the rim of the glass tilt forward on his lips and the cool splash of water hit his tongue, he groaned at the renewed life it gave to his parched throat. He gulped down long swallows but, all too soon, the glass was taken away. He couldn’t help but reach blindly for it, trying desperately to bring it back to his mouth.

  “That’s enough for now. Lie back down.”

  Kaden was pressed back into the softness of the mattress by that overwhelming weight once again, but he had another piece of business to take care of. He opened his eyes slowly and was relieved to find the room he was in blanketed in darkness. He blinked his gritty eyes several times until they felt like they were made out of living tissue again instead of coarse granite.

  “Michael?” he whispered.

  “What?” The tone was decidedly less than pleasant, but he could feel no anger or negative emotions coming from the man. For that matter, he could discern no emotions whatsoever, but he put off that thought in light of more pressing matters.

  “Umm…I need to pee. Think you could maybe let go of…”

  “No.” The response was deadpan, instant, and in no way negotiable. Kaden was about to argue on his bladder’s behalf when he felt the huge man shift behind him and lift him from the bed without allowing a single inch of air to come between them. Pain shot through every muscle in his body and another whimper escaped before he could suppress it. The strength of the embrace never relented, however.

  A small lamp on the dresser was flipped on as Michael made his way to the bathroom. As they reached the toilet, the large man gracefully lowered him onto the open seat, then promptly sat to his immediate left on the edge of the bathtub and kept hold of his wrist, never once breaking physical contact.

  Kaden sat there, trying to modestly cover his flaccid cock in the dim light, and realised after several seconds that the man was not going to give him any privacy. In fact, Michael was staring at him with a shadowed, stoical look on his face as if they had been discussing some dire issue.

  Kaden began to relive the fear that always came at the loss of independence and was about to resort to begging for privacy when Michael sighed, stood up and turned his back to him, all while keeping his wrist in a gentle yet unbreakable hold.

  “This is as far as I go. Don’t be embarrassed. I’ll be using the toilet as soon as you’re done,” Michael said.

  Kaden still couldn’t pick up on his emotions, which was a first, but he wasn’t about to argue. It was hard enough to have someone holding his hand like a child while he peed, let alone having to feel that person’s emotions while doing the deed.

  It took him a few minutes before he was able to relax his muscles enough to urinate while being touched, but he finally managed. When he was finished, Michael switched places with him, standing over the toilet and guiding himself towards the bowl with one hand while his other remained on Kaden’s wrist.

  After flushing the toilet, Michael turned back to him and lifted him up, only to turn around and place him gently onto the countertop next to the sink. The man then situated his large body between Kaden’s thighs and reached over to open the mirror cabinet next to his head, searching the contents until he found what he was looking for and pulled out a white bottle with black lettering on it.

  Kaden began to feel extremely uncomfortable. He couldn’t detect a single emotion from the man and couldn’t understand why he was being so overbearing. He also didn’t know why his entire body ached with every movement.

  “Michael, what…”

  “Take these.” Michael pressed two tiny white pills into his hand and poured water into a small, disposable cup which he placed into his other hand.

  “Michael. Did I do something wrong? Please…”

  Michael gently lifted Kaden’s hand, carrying the two pills to his mouth until Kaden was forced to place them on his tongue and quickly take a swig of water to swallow them down and wash away their acrid taste.

  The large man silently took the cup from his hand and lifted him into his arms again, turning directly around and setting him on his feet outside the bathtub. He pulled a corner of the shower curtain open and reached around to turn on the spray and adjust the temperature. Kaden felt his body begin to tremble in fear as the man touching him remained emotionally unresponsive.

  Michael’s cold, unfeeling behaviour was beginning to remind him of Gregory even though, logically, he knew he was not the same as the monster who had tormented him for years. The loss of the tentative connection he was sure had been growing between them hurt more than he would have thought possible. His breathing began to quicken and he tried one more time to break through the emotional barrier Michael had erected between them.

  “Michael, please. Whatever I did, I’m sorry. Are you punishing me?”

  That got the man’s attention. He tightened his hold around Kaden’s wrist to near pain, then scooped him up again and walked them both into the shower. Michael slowly lowered him to the floor until the massaging stream of water hit his back, soothing and stinging at the same time.

  “Mich—ael.” His voice broke and he knew he couldn’t take it if this man used him the same way he’d been used in the past.

  Michael cupped his cheeks in a tender embrace that belied his apathetic emotional response and raised his face until their eyes met and locked.

  As Michael slowly lowered his body to kneel before him, Kaden gradually began to feel what he was keeping inside, which he had somehow managed to disguise from him. Feelings seeped into him like twisting tendrils of smoke. He could recognise sadness, longing, and a desperation so profound that it took his breath away.

  Michael wrapped his long arms around his hips, leaned his head forward onto his chest, and began to weep silently. Kaden thought the despair flowing in waves from the man might drown him, but somehow, Michael was able to regulate its strength even as he sobbed against Kaden’s body as if he might fall apart.

  Kaden was so astonished by this that he forgot about his fears and placed his hands on the soft, wavy locks of black hair, digging his fingers in gently to massage Michael’s scalp. His own confusion warred with the racking pain surging from the man who was shaking so hard against him he was afraid he might shatter.

  Kaden had never been in the position of the comforter, except when caring for his sister. He had even less experience at being comforted himself. The feel of such a powerful man kneeling and weeping against him brought out all of his protective instincts. He had no idea what had brought this on, but found himself unable to retain any vestiges of reluctance to care for the man weeping silently against him.

  Kaden bent forward and wrapped his arms around Michael’s head, trying to offer whatever solace he could in a situation that completely baffled him.

  Time was only measured by the force of Michael’s tortured sobs as he held on to Kaden as though he were his only lifeline to reality. Eventually, his sobs turned to fitful, shuddering breaths, which in turn ended until there was nothing left to expend.

  Soft lips tickled Kaden’s belly as Michael asked in a hoarse voice, “You don’t remember any of it, do you? The doctor said you might have some memory loss.”

  Kaden searched his brain for any clue as to what he was talking about, but could find nothing. “Did I do something wrong?”

  Michael let out a breathy gust of laughter and tilted his head up to fix his hazel gaze on him. There, on his knees, Michael began to relate the occurrences of a few nights ago. Kaden shook his head in emphatic denial.

  “That can’t be. My life may not be worth living at
times, but I’ve never wanted to kill myself. I have Missy and…” He wanted to say ‘you’, but was still uncertain about their relationship. “I wouldn’t do that on purpose. I wouldn’t…”

  “I know, baby. That’s one of the things I love about you. You’re stronger than that. I didn’t tell you about the ravine and your eyesight isn’t sharp enough yet in the dark. You never saw it coming. I’m so sorry, baby.”

  Kaden didn’t even realise he had started to back away until Michael tightened his embrace, saying, “Don’t. I still have one week left, and I’ll probably be a little overbearing and you’ll have to forgive me for that, but I can’t let go of you. I need to touch you, to feel that you’re here with me. Is that okay?”

  Kaden was still reeling from the story of the events Michael had related to him. No matter how hard he tried, he could only remember as far as falling asleep on the man’s lap out at the lake they had visited. Something about the story, though, had him worried more than anything else.

  “Michael, if you’re not gay, do you…do you wish I was a girl? Female?”

  “What?”

  “If I…if I were female, would you be able to love me then?” Kaden stammered.

  He wasn’t sure if what he was asking was fair to the man. Michael had admitted that he had rejected Kaden partly because he was male, but he seemed to be putting forth the effort of getting past that fact now. While Kaden knew no one in their right mind would want him, because of his mixed blood and because of the marks Gregory had left with his whips, claws and teeth, he still didn’t want a mate to have to settle for him.

  He couldn’t change his gender, and he couldn’t imagine waking up each morning to see the look of disappointment on his mate’s face when he was reminded that Mother Earth had given him a male mate.

  Michael stood up. Kneeling, his head had reached Kaden’s chest—standing, he towered impressively over him.

  Placing his large hands on either side of Kaden’s head and tilting it up, Michael said, “I don’t know if what I’m feeling is love—I’ve never been in love before—but I do know that I don’t want anyone but you. After I met you, I thought about the women I’ve slept with…”