by Alexa Davis
“There isn’t anything you can say,” I admitted to him. I knew there wasn’t any advice I could get because there wasn’t anything that could be done. “But thanks for listening, anyway. It feels good to get some of it out of my system.”
“Well, what about Annie?” he asked, sounding like he felt a little cautious about entering that topic. “I know that you haven’t been speaking to her much, but is that just because you’re busy, or is that because of what Garrett said to you?”
“What…what do you mean?” I stammered awkwardly, sensing that he might have hit the nail on the head.
“I mean, are you avoiding Annie because Garrett told you that you’re going to end up like your dad?” My silence said it all. “Look, man, I have to tell you that’s ridiculous. Maybe some people do end up acting like their parents, but that’s learned behavior rather than genetics. You didn’t grow up seeing your dad act that way; he did it before you can remember.
“Plus, more importantly, you are your own man. You choose how you behave – you don’t have to do anything.”
“Oh God,” I groaned as everything hit me like a punch in the face. “Have I been an idiot?” I might not have wanted to hear it, but Roy had told me straight and actually it had lifted some of the fog from my brain.
“Yes,” he chuckled lightly. “But I don’t think it’s too late. I think you still have time to fix things.”
My mind instantly whirred a hundred miles an hour, trying to work out the best way to do that. Now that I had left it so long, when I did it, it needed to be right. It was going to have to be some kind of awesome gesture.
“Thanks, Roy,” I told him sincerely. “You’re a great friend. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
I needed to recall that my friend had suffered loss and pain in his life, too, including the death of his first wife, and he’d come out of it the other side. I needed to use him as an inspiration to help me move forward, too.
“That’s okay. I’ll speak to you soon.”
As I hung up the phone, I allowed that hope to fill me up. If I could fix things with Annie, then everything would be all right. If I could make things right in that area, then everything else wouldn’t feel so shitty, after all. The situation with Garrett was overwhelming me, but if I had some positivity in my life, then maybe it wouldn’t feel so hard.
I couldn’t sit in this office, not when I wouldn’t achieve anything anyway. I needed to get out there and to take action. I needed to make things right.
“Lucia?” I said into my personal assistant’s buzzer. “I need to go out for the day, is that okay?”
“Yep, I don’t have anything scheduled for you at the moment, what with everything that’s going on.” God, she is a legend. What the hell would I have done without her? “Is there anything you need done?”
“You have a handle on it,” I replied gratefully. “Just give me a call if you need anything, I’ll keep my cell phone with me.”
But I didn’t leave right away. I logged on to my computer first to do some research. I had a plan, and I knew that I could make it happen – I just wasn’t sure where to start.
Roy was right. I was being foolish and allowing myself to get sucked into Garrett and his twisted web of silliness. Usually, I was pretty good at ignoring everything he said, but because I cared about Annie so much and because I could sense that she had a complicated, pain-filled past, she was a sensitive subject for me, which had made me react more to his statement.
I had already fulfilled my dad’s wishes. I had really tried to help Garrett sort his life out, and it hadn't happened. He’d thrown it back in my face. With what he had done, there was nothing more that I could physically do for him. He would have to be on his own now.
Now was the time for me to begin worrying about my own life and what I needed to be happy.
And what I needed was Annie. That woman was incredible, and I adored everything about her. I loved her gorgeous face, her wonderful curves, and her caring personality. Her daughter was amazing, too, a little firecracker. I wanted both of them in my life, and I hoped that they still felt the same way about me, too.
No one had ever made me feel like she did. I hadn't ever cared about anyone so much. I didn’t want to keep holding back anymore, fearing what I might do in the future. I had to just grab onto life with both hands and finally enjoy myself. I couldn’t keep living my life in the past, I needed to move on. Roy was right about so many things; I was so glad that he’d called. What the hell would I do without that man in my life?
“Aha!” I cried out with excitement as I finally spotted what I needed. Everything was going to be okay after all; I just needed to make a few secret phone calls.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Annie – Monday night
I felt frazzled, there was no other way to describe it. I’d had a long day at work, and keeping up the appearance that I was happy was becoming really wearing. It would be easier tonight after Rae had gone to sleep, when I could finally just succumb to my emotions.
I was really trying to stick to what I’d planned. I was doing my best to simply move on, but the reality was much harder than positive thought. Justin might have only been in my life for a short while, but he’d had an undeniable effect on me. It didn’t help that he was the first man that I’d let in since Rae’s father, that probably made it all hit me a whole lot harder.
“You okay?” Nancy asked me, showing her concern. The more that time went on and the sadder I became, the more she was doing her best to look after me. “You look…worn out?”
“I feel it,” I admitted, through a thin smile. “But I’ll be okay, thanks.”
I’ve been through worse…I’ve been through worse…
I kept this running through my head like a mantra every time I felt like I wanted to cry, and it was helping a little bit. I had been through worse, and I probably would again. I had to keep remembering that – this was just a chapter, this wasn’t the end of my book.
Urgh, book… Even the thought that he still had my book filled me with dread. It made me feel like I would never write again, even if I did get the time. The whole experience had really put me off.
“Well, let me stay and make you some dinner,” Nancy grinned at me. “I don’t have any plans tonight, anyway, and I’m sure Rae won’t complain if I want to stay…”
“No, I love your cooking!” Rae shrieked, a little too excitedly.
“Hey, what are you trying to say about mine?” I teased. She didn’t answer, sending me a look instead, one that made me laugh aloud. “Okay that sounds great, Nancy, thanks.”
While Nancy set about cooking, Rae told me at a hundred miles an hour what they’d done throughout the day. I caught a lot of it and answered as needed, which luckily took my mind off things. Discussing coloring and tea parties with my daughter was just about the only thing that could distract me from my misery.
“So, how have you been today, Mommy?” she eventually turned the conversation back around to me. “Has the store been busy?”
“Oh, it’s always busy,” I forced a smile on my face. “But it’s good.”
While we ate, I allowed Nancy and Rae to do most of the talking. Nancy seemed to sense that was exactly what I needed, but she did keep sending me reassuring smiles every so often, letting me know that she was there when I eventually wanted to talk.
I wouldn’t take her up on the offer, though; I didn’t want to end up as one of those women who complained about the same man forever more.
“Who’s that?” Nancy asked me when a knock at the door interrupted our meal. “Are you expecting anyone?”
“No, I have no idea who that could be.” Florence might have been a small town, but it wasn’t the sort of place where people turned up unannounced. At least, not to my house. It made me worry, but then again, unexpected calls of visitors always did. “But I’ll go and find out…”
My heart pounded unnecessarily as I walked to the door, remembering the horrifying
event that had caused this worry, the day that had changed the direction of my life. Having the police show up in the early evening just as you are getting dinner ready with grim expressions on their face isn’t something that I would wish on anyone…not even my worst enemy.
I swung the door open slowly, to see the last face I had been expecting. “Justin?” I asked curiously, pushing the door open more. He didn’t call for ages, he ignored my call, now he was just here? It didn’t make any sense. “What’s going on?”
“Can I come in?” he asked quietly, his car keys still in his hand. Had he driven the three hours just to see me? And why? I felt like he’d made his feelings perfectly clear. “I need to talk to you.”
I wanted to tell him no, to explain to him that I was over him now and I never wanted to see his face again, but I couldn’t. It was too far from the truth. “Erm…okay,” I replied carefully, stepping aside. “Sure.”
“Justin!” I closed my eyes and rested my back against the wall for a second as I heard my daughter gushing over the man that had broken my heart. She wasn’t to know, of course, but it hurt that she liked him so much. Especially as I knew that he would end up hurting her, too. Breaking my daughter’s heart was something else entirely. “Thank you for my presents. I love them!”
I had to go in there, to face the situation eventually, but first I just needed a moment to myself. I just had to gather myself up before I faced it all. I wasn’t expecting to ever see Justin again, never mind on some random Monday evening when I’d been at work all day and I looked like crap…
Oh God, I really do look like crap! It was too late to do anything about it now; he’d already seen me. Plus, I got the sense that I was too far gone anyway, that I didn’t have the time to do what needed to be done. I shouldn’t have cared what he thought anyway, it really shouldn’t have mattered—
“Are you okay?” Nancy hissed into my ear, making me jump into the air. “Is that him? Is that the Justin?”
“Yeah,” I sighed sadly. “I don’t understand why he’s here or what he wants. It’s making me a bit crazy.”
She bit down on her lip and gave me an imploring look. “Would it make things easier if I took Rae to my place for the night? She can sleep in the spare room like she did last time, when you were ill. That way you can have some time and privacy to sort things out properly with Justin. It seems like that’s what you both need.”
“Would you?” I gasped gratefully. “I hate to ask, but that would make things easier. I think that there’s a lot that needs to be said, and it can’t be with Rae here.”
“Of course, she likes staying at my place anyway,” she reassured me. “No worries, I’ll bring her back in the morning. Or maybe I’ll wait until you finish work…” Clearly, she thought that there was a chance Justin would be staying over, and I didn’t bother to correct her. “Anyway, yeah, I’ll see you in a bit.”
I packed up Rae’s things and sent them on their way before turning back to Justin with a curious look in my eyes. “What are you doing here?” I asked, deciding to go in head on. I couldn’t beat around the bush with him anymore; it was causing me too much pain.
“I have been an idiot,” he admitted. “This whole thing has been driving me crazy, and now I realize that I’ve been stupid.”
In that moment, I wanted to scream at him, to tell him what it had been doing to me, too, but I didn’t. I clamped my lips tightly shut, instead. I felt like once I started, there wouldn’t be any shutting me up, and I did want to hear him out. “Can I sit down?”
“Yes,” I whispered, imitating him with my gaze fixed on his the entire time.
“So, I didn’t tell you everything, but what happened with Garrett was really bad. His…accident ended up killing someone. A teenage girl.” Everything within me iced over. Whenever he talked about this accident, it made me feel sick to my stomach. “And the worst part is he doesn’t even seem remorseful for it. He seems like…I don’t know, not like he wanted to kill someone, but that he wanted to die himself.”
“Oh God.” This was too much, it was intense. I almost couldn’t breathe with the pressure this information was putting onto my chest. Maybe he really had been too busy to speak to me…but I wasn’t sure that made me feel any better.
“I’ve been trying to help him, but honestly, now I feel at the end of my tether. I’ve organized him a lawyer and I’ll be there when necessary, but I don’t think that there’s much else I can do. Every time I visit him I make things a million times worse…” I nodded slowly, and he seemed to get the sense that he was overwhelming me because he quickly moved the conversation forwards.
“Anyway, during one of my visits with him, he told me that I was turning into my dad and that I’d only end up cheating on you and hurting you. I know it sounds stupid now, but at the time, I got all up in my head and it put me off calling you.”
“Right,” I drawled, trying to process all of that. “Okay.”
“The thing is, I realize now how stupid I’ve been. You are the first woman to make me feel anything. I mean, the fact that you came up to Portland just to see me, that was an incredible gesture and I really appreciate it.”
“Yeah…” What the hell does he expect me to say to that? Dioes he think I will agree? Lie down and take all of his crappy excuses? I knew that he wasn’t fully aware of my past, but he could tell that there was pain there. “Okay, why didn’t you just tell me all of this?” I felt like we’d been open enough with each other for him to feel comfortable around me. The fact that he didn’t spoke volumes.
“I don’t know. I know that I should have, but I have honestly been such a mess—”
“No,” I slid my chair back and stood up. I’d had enough complicated men who didn’t know what they wanted, who didn’t seem to have their own minds. I couldn’t go through any of that again. I had Rae now. I needed to think about her and what she needed. This wasn’t just about me anymore. I needed to get Justin out of my life before he hurt her.
“I’m sorry, but that doesn’t feel good enough. I can’t take that. I’ve been a mess these last few days—”
“Me too,” he insisted, interrupting me. “Not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought about you.”
“Well then, you should have called!” I exploded. “I need you to go. I can’t get hurt again, I’m sorry.”
I stood back and indicated towards the door, no longer looking at him at all. I didn’t want him to see how deeply his betrayal had cut me. I just needed him gone.
“I…please let me talk…” he argued pitifully.
“No, just get out of here,” I snapped. “I have had enough of you. I didn’t ask you to come here tonight, and now that you are here, I realize that I have nothing at all to say to you. Just go.”
I was being harsh, but I needed to get him out. Luckily, he finally seemed to get it and I watched him from the corner of my eye as he sadly shuffled off. Once he was gone and the door had closed behind him, I allowed my body to slip downwards to the floor where the tears got the better of me.
I was hurt to have lost Justin forever, but mostly, I was just glad that Rae wasn’t there to witness this sadness. This was the sort of thing that I needed to shield her from forever.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Justin – Monday night
Shit.
I officially felt horrific. I really thought my random popping down to see Annie was going to work. I thought she would instantly see how much she meant to me and everything would be okay.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. That failed in the worst way possible.
The moment she opened her front door, I could tell that her guards were up, and to be honest, I couldn’t blame her. I hadn't spoken to her for ages, but I assumed it’d all be all right once I explained my behavior. Sure, saying it aloud felt a lot like pointless excuses, and I should have guessed that Annie wouldn’t allow that, but I didn’t.
And now I felt stuck.
“I have had enough of you. I did
n’t ask you to come here tonight, and now that you are here, I realize that I have nothing at all to say to you. Just go.”
How could she say those things to me? Did she really mean it? There was a wobble in her voice that suggested she might have been trying to be strong, but I might have just been hearing what I wanted to hear. I’d been expecting such a warm and forgiving reception, one that I probably didn’t deserve, so maybe I was just imagining some kindness there.
Oh God, what the hell was I going to do now? I hadn't planned for the door to be slammed in my face. I had been much more ready for a night of sorting everything out, sharing our feelings, and really getting it all out in the open. Now I was lost and really alone.
I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and put in a call to the one person who I knew would see me at such short notice. I couldn’t be left alone with my thoughts – I would end up driving myself insane.
“Roy?” I said the second he answered. “I’m in Florence; do you have any time to meet me?”
“Sure,” he replied gravely without even missing a beat. “Let’s go out to dinner. I’ll meet you by the diner on the corner?”
“Thank you,” I gasped gratefully. “I’ll see you soon.”
Knowing that I would get to hash over all of this with Roy made me feel a little bit better, but the sad, sickly feeling wasn’t going anywhere. Annie didn’t seem like the type who would allow someone to walk in and out of her and Rae’s life, so there was a massive chance that I’d screwed it forever. I might have actually lost her.
As I explained the scenario to Roy in my own words, I could see sympathy crossing his expression. It was likely that he could see it from both mine and Annie’s point of view, which was exactly what I needed. I wanted him to tell me what I needed to do to make things work.
“So, she just kicked you out?” he asked curiously. “Just told you to go?”
“Yeah,” I sighed sadly. “And now I’m left wondering if I’ve fucked things up for good, you know? Annie really is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I acted so selfishly. All it would have taken was a phone call or a text, but I was so wrapped up in what Garrett told me about where my future was headed…I guess I just didn’t think about anything else.”