by Alexa Davis
Just as I was about to give up and walk out, he burst through those doors looking like a completely different person. Gone was the grown-up man in his work attire that I’d seen in the pharmacy, and in its place was a boy that hadn’t grown up since high school. He certainly wasn't dressed like any man approaching thirty that I knew. He had on ripped jeans, dirty sneakers, and a white, leather jacket. On his eyes were a pair of oversized sunglasses, and he was wearing a cap on backwards.
Holy fuck, how am I going to spend a night with this guy?
I sucked in a few deep, calming breaths of air as he waved at me, before making the decision not to judge him so quickly. Clearly the guys I did like weren’t working out for me, so maybe it was time to try something new. I shouldn’t shut someone off because of how they look anyway; how shallow and selfish of me would that be?
I just needed to keep an open mind, just to give him a chance.
*****
Shit!
I’d given it an hour, but things still weren’t getting any better. Not only did Harry still look like he was in high school, he acted like it, too. He kept talking about girls we’d been in school with, and about how hot they’d become. He clearly did a whole bunch of Internet stalking, too, which freaked me out somewhat. I didn’t like the idea of someone I went to school with examining me online without even talking to me, but I guessed that was a side effect of social media.
Then, he flirted with the waitress right in front of me. No, he didn’t just flirt, he asked her out. She giggled and popped her gum without really responding, but I could tell that she would probably connect with him later. She would probably slip her number to him at another point in the night, when she thought I wasn't looking.
“So, who do you still keep in touch with?” he turned to me, finally asking me the very first question of the night. Unfortunately, it was still about school. It was quickly becoming obvious that his younger years were the best of his whole damn life and he couldn't get out of them because of that.
Actually, it was a little bit sad.
“Well, to be honest, when I moved to New York, I didn’t keep in touch with anyone.”
“No, the kids that move away are usually the first to drift off,” he told me quite seriously. “Of the people I’ve actually sent messages to, they are the ones who generally don't reply.”
I didn’t like to ask if he’d messaged me because I knew for a fact that I would have just ignored it and forgotten about it, so I just blew past it instead. “But since I’ve been back, I’ve been hanging out with Kerri Swanson a bit.”
“Ooh yeah, Kerri Swanson, I remember her,” he replied in a smarmy tone of voice, one that suggested they’d hooked up in high school. I knew it was entirely possible, which made me feel a little sick. It reminded me that she’d slept with Matthew, and her bond with him ran so deep they had a child together.
I could never compete with that, and I would never want to. I had no respect for a man that couldn't even look after his child. I also couldn't ever go near Matthew again knowing Grant would always be a reminder of what he’d become. There was just no chance in hell.
“Erm, look, Harry,” I told him regretfully, unable to stand even another second of being in his presence. “I really have to go because I’ve got work in the morning. But this was great...” I trailed off, not wanting to say something stupid like let’s do this again sometime just to be polite.
Luckily, it didn’t matter because Harry’s eyes had already found their way back to the waitress, who was now sending him winks. He would be fine without me, there was certainly no reason to stay, so I pushed my chair back and walked outside.
On the slow walk home, a sadness started to fill me up. Harry just reminded me too damn much of the ugly New York dating scene, which wasn't something that I ever wanted to go back to. It was frantic, needy, then dismissive. If that was all I had to look forward to post Matthew, then maybe I should just give up and become a nun or something.
*****
As I walked through the front door, preparing myself to fend off a million and one questions from my mom, I was shocked as I spotted Grant tearing into the hallway and jumping up on me happily.
“Ashee!” he cried out. “Ashee!”
Oh God, this is so hard, I thought to myself as I held him close to me. None of this was Grant’s fault, and it didn’t make me adore him any less, but it did sting so damn much that he was the result of a betrayal.
On hearing her son, Kerri raced out into the hallway to greet me, too. “Oh, hi, Ashlee, how are you? Your mom said you had a date. You’ll have to tell me all about it.” When I stared at her with bewilderment in my eyes, she seemed compelled to continue. “I called you a while back because Grant was hyper and refusing to go to sleep, and your mom told me to come around and wait for you... I hope that’s all right?”
“Sure,” I gasped out, realizing this was the best opportunity to confront her about my fears. I needed to know for sure, and I needed to know now before I drove myself insane with it all. “Actually, I do need to talk to you for a minute, is that okay?”
Kerri sent Grant back into the front room to watch cartoons with my mom, and we went to talk in my bedroom where we could have this very difficult conversation in peace. I already felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest, and Kerri hadn’t even confirmed anything yet, so I had no idea how I was going to feel when we were done.
“What’s going on?” Kerri asked curiously, plonking on my bed. “Did everything go okay with your date?”
Oh...that was what she assumed I wanted to discuss with her. She was about to get a massive shock.
“Erm, yeah it was fine,” I started, before shaking my head. “No, it was horrible, but more about that later. First I just want to ask...” I breathed deeply, unable to believe that I was having to say these words aloud. “Why you didn’t just tell me that Matthew is Grant’s father?”
“What?” she gasped out in utter shock. “What the hell are you going on about? Matthew isn’t Grant’s father; I’ve never even slept with him. Why the hell would I when I know how much he means to you?” The expression on her face was so stern, so serious, that I just knew I had to trust her.
Matthew isn’t Grant’s father! That had to be good news, right? But then, why the fuck didn’t he just tell me that? He sat there in the front room while I confronted him, and he just said nothing. What the hell was all that about?
And, why did Terri say that he was? Obviously, she was bitter because Matthew had broken things off with her, but that felt too extreme for words. What a weird, potentially life-destroying lie. I mean, what the hell had Kerri and I done to her?
“Look, I might as well tell you the truth,” Kerri sighed deeply, holding her head in her hands for a moment. “Willy is Grant’s father. We’ve been hooking up for years, every damn time I get drunk. I can’t seem to resist him.”
What? I certainly wasn't expecting that!
“So why didn’t you just tell me that?” I asked her curiously.
“I find it embarrassing that I like him so much. It’s something that I don't want to admit.”
Personally, I couldn't see anything wrong with Willy; he seemed like a nice guy to me, one with a full-time job and a sweet smile, but clearly this was an issue for Kerri.
“Does he know?”
“He does,” she confirmed, nodding slowly. “I told him right away and he proposed.” She laughed lightly to herself at the memory, which caused my heart to ache. I’d missed so much while I was away, and now that my New York life felt like nothing more than a dream I’d once had, it all seemed like a waste.
“He was disappointed when I turned him down, but he’s still there for Grant. He pays for him and comes to see him whenever I let him... Urgh, it’s all just a mess!” she exclaimed angrily. “I don't know how I’ve managed to get myself tangled up in such a weird web.”
My advice would have been to give Willy a real shot, to push her preconceived notions to o
ne side and just give him a try, but then again, I wasn't a parent. Maybe that would have been dangerous, risking the tightrope of an agreement that they currently had, so instead of saying anything, I simply pulled her in for a hug.
“Oh God,” she eventually sobbed out. “I need a distraction; please, tell me about your date.”
I smiled secretly to myself, glad that my horrible date could now come in handy for something. It might have been awful, but if it cheered Kerri up, then I would put myself through it again.
“Well, you remember Harry, from high school?”
“Oh no, you didn’t!” Kerri exclaimed in shock. “He’s horrible these days. What the hell were you thinking?”
Chapter Twenty-One
Matthew
Wednesday Night
My head was starting to spin like crazy, but I chugged back another beer regardless. I wanted that nauseating, dizzy feeling to consume me; I needed that. Forgetting about my wholly shitty day was the only thing that I wanted.
“Dude, are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Willy asked me with concern and bewilderment in his expression. I could understand that; I had just stormed onto his boat at the end of his working day and demanded a beer. He could probably see I was wound up and incredibly angry, but he didn’t even ask. He waited until I calmed down enough to even begin speaking.
It was just unfortunate that the time had only come around when I was on the way to being quite drunk.
“Oh God,” I groaned, dropping my head into my hands. “It’s just such a fucking mess.” I didn’t want to get into it; it was the last damn thing on the planet that I wanted, but I knew I was going to have to get into it eventually, so I guessed that it might as well get it over and done with. “Terri just flipped out and went crazy. I don't quite know what happened, but she just...flipped.”
“Oh, wow,” Willy replied, clearly resisting the urge to say I told you so. “That’s nuts, man.”
“Yeah, she started off by telling Ashlee about our hook ups. I mean, I don't know exactly what she said, but it can’t have been good.” My heart sunk as I remembered Ashlee’s hurt face repeatedly. “I hadn’t told her that I’ve been pretty...busy during the years she left, and that really wasn't the way that I wanted her to find out.”
“So, how did she react?” he asked cautiously. When I didn’t answer right away, Willy handed me yet another beer that I glugged back gratefully. I just needed that second, that time out from this conversation before I said my next piece.
“She freaked the fuck out,” I told him honestly. “I think it made her see me differently, but that wasn't the worst part. Terri told her that I was Grant’s father. I mean, how fucking weird is that? I haven’t even had sex with Kerri, so why the hell would anyone think the kid is mine?”
“Well, I mean, no one knows, do they?” Willy said, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. I started to notice he was very sober, which meant everything he was feeling was real, not affected by booze, at all. There was something going on with him, and I needed to know what.
“Do you know?” I suddenly gasped in surprise. Willy and Kerri had hooked up the other night; maybe she’d told him something. If I could find out the truth about what was going on with Kerri, I could tell Ashlee and put an end to this once and for all.
But Willy didn’t answer me; he simply looked down at his nails as if there was something he was hiding. What the hell could it be? I’d known Willy my whole damn life, and as far as I was aware, he’d never kept anything from me before. My foggy brain tried to pick up on something that was clearly under my nose, but I was too damn drunk to get what it was.
“You do know,” I insisted. “Who is it? I thought it was some big, massive secret. I thought no one knew.” Still, he wouldn’t look at me. “You need to tell me; I have to know. It might make things easier with me and Ashlee. She might forgive me.”
“Not everything is about you and Ashlee,” he snapped, making jump. His tone was harsh, which meant that he was clearly covering something up. “Some things just don't need to be talked about, so can we just leave it?”
Woah.
In that moment, it hit me like a punch in the face. It was so obvious I couldn't believe that it had taken me so long to figure it out. There was that crazy connection between them, the sizzling chemistry that wouldn’t quit. Plus, the fact that a few years back, probably at the time when Kerri had found out that she was having a baby, Willy had gone off the grid for a while, seemingly sinking into a depression.
Willy was Grant’s father.
I wanted to ask him what had happened there, why he hadn’t ever told me, and why he didn’t seem to be there for his son, but that seemed inappropriate. There were clearly a whole bunch of reasons for all of that; I knew my friend well enough to know that wouldn’t be for nothing, and I figured he would eventually share that with me when he felt ready.
It was time for me to change the subject before I ended up saying something I would go on to regret.
“So anyway, when I confronted Terri about it, she went crazy and actually hit me.”
“She hit you?” Willy huffed out in shock. “Seriously?”
“Yep, so I had to fire her, which of course makes me feel like a shitty person.” Replaying that conversation in my mind again made me feel horrible. I knew that Terri was mostly a cool chick and that it was my fault she’d become unhinged, but there was nothing that I could do about it now. I would just have to learn my lesson and never act that way again.
I knew now that being straightforward didn’t necessarily equate to understanding. Feelings could still creep in regardless. “And then I went to Ashlee’s to speak to her about it, just to find out that she’s going on a date with someone else.”
Fuck, that still hurt; it made me feel like shit. I didn’t want her going out with anyone else, ever, but what damn choice did I have in it?
“Well, dude, I have to tell you that Ashlee is a hot chick, and guys are going to want her.” I knew Willy was trying to kick my ass into gear with that comment; he didn’t want me to miss out on the first woman I’d ever shown any interest in, but it still cut me deep. “You’re going to have to make some smart decisions here, for real.”
I decided I had to unleash my biggest secret, to make Willy understand where my head was at. He couldn't get why I was being so guarded, so I needed to make him see. Terri knew now; it wouldn’t be long until the rest of the world did. I wanted my best friend to hear it from me first.
“You know that winning lottery ticket?” I sighed out, feeling that despair floating through me once more. Every time I thought about that money, it sent me into the same tailspin. “Well, I have it. I’m the winner.”
“You are?” Willy grabbed hold of my arm, staring at me in shock. “Are you fucking serious? That’s like, a billion dollars, man. That could change your whole damn life.”
“I know,” I nodded vigorously, wanting him to understand that I did get that part, and that I really appreciated it. “I know that, but I’m also worried about what will happen if I claim it. I’ll have publicity, and all the people that I’ve ever hooked up with will come forward, making up shit about me. After what happened with Terri today, I’m just freaked out. I’m the town doctor, and if people hear that shit about me, they might not trust me anymore.”
“I get that,” Willy said in a calm tone. “But you’ll be able to do so much good with that money. I think people will understand that you’ve made some mistakes in your past, but you’re trying to be better.”
I nodded morosely, hearing what he was saying, but not really allowing it to sink in.
“Is this really about the world, or is it just about what Ashlee will think about you?” This was far too close to home, so I sent him a half shrug, not wanting to admit that aloud. “Dude, she knows more now. It’s out there anyway; why allow that to hold you back?”
“Look, I want the money, I do. I want to be able to use it to pay off my debts, and to help Ashlee and Peggy
, I want to do all of that... But I’m afraid. I’m scared I’ll unleash all kinds of shit that I’m really not ready for.”
A sickness filled my stomach as I tried to picture that unknown in my future once more. I couldn't seem to just focus on the positives, however hard I tried. I couldn't just see the ability to help other people, without freaking the fuck out about other people.
“Urgh, just give me another beer,” I sighed at Willy. “I just need to forget about all of this bullshit.”
“I honestly think you’ve had enough,” he told me in that deliberately calm tone of voice. “I don't want you to be sick, and you’re already looking a little green.” I nodded along with his suggestion, realizing that he was probably right – especially as I had to go to work tomorrow, however much I didn’t want to.
“And as for your other problem,” he continued, “of course you should do exactly what you want, but it’s important to remember that sometimes in life you do things to sacrifice yourself for the ones you love, even if it makes you look like a bad person.”
He was right, of course he was. I needed to come forward to get the money, however terrifying it was. I would just have to suffer a few weeks of bullshit to be able to help other people that really needed it.
It was going to suck to walk around with a target on my back, but I would have to do it regardless. Hopefully, it wouldn’t damage my practice too much in the process because I couldn't give that up, however rich I became. That was my way of helping people, and I couldn't sacrifice that for anything.
“You’re right,” I whispered, fear gripping tightly to my stomach. “I know you are; it’ll just be really hard.”
“I’ll be there for you, buddy,” Willy replied, patting me on my shoulder. “Well...maybe for a million.”