by Sophie Stern
He’s not for me, though.
He never could be for me.
When Chris died, I knew I would never find someone to love again. That’s why I haven’t dated in the past five years. Oh, I’ve had my fun. I’ve had flings. I’ve had some adventures. I haven’t dated, though. I’ve never done anything that could lead to being emotionally involved.
That’s not for me.
Not anymore.
“What are you going to do about it?” Tony asks. He starts swimming toward the shore and Brandon follows. I try, sort-of, not to oogle his backside as he swims with his friend.
“What do you mean? What can I do? She doesn’t want me.” The two wolves get out of the water and sit on the beach with their toes still in the water. Tony is handsome, but I don’t even look twice at him. I don’t have eyes for him. I only have eyes for Brandon.
“Anyone who sees the way she looks at you knows she wants you, dumbass.”
“She’s been hurt in the past.”
“Her husband died, Brandon. That’s not the same thing as being dumped or divorced or abandoned. She hasn’t gone through a breakup. She doesn’t have some crazy ex out there. No, her husband died, and she’s hurting. She’s going to hurt forever over that, Brandon. That pain never really goes away.”
I bite my lip. He’s right. Someone wise once told me that when you’re hurt, the pain never really stops. Not completely. You learn, though, how to deal with it. You learn how to cope. You learn how to center yourself in spite the anguish you’re experiencing.
There’s a place in my heart that will always miss Chris. He was my first love, my true love. He really was my mate.
“I’m scared I won’t be able to live up to his memory,” Brandon says. His voice is lower now, and I have to strain to listen, but I’m shocked at what he’s saying.
Brandon thinks he’s not good enough for me?
What the hell?
In all the time I’ve known him, I’ve never really thought of things from his perspective. Selfish, much? Silently, I chide myself for being so self-centered that I only focused on myself and what I was feeling. I never thought about what Brandon must be going through.
“He’s been gone a long time,” Tony says.
“I’m sure it’s still very fresh in her mind.”
“Have you talked with her about it?”
“Honestly? I’m not really sure how, man. How do you bring that up with the girl you love? ‘Hey, I think you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, but I’m worried you’re still in love with your dead husband and I’ll never be good enough for you’? Is that how the conversation should go?”
“Well, fuck, don’t beat around the bush at all.”
“Sorry.”
“You’re fine,” Tony stretches, then looks back at Brandon. I should feel bad for eavesdropping. I really, really should. I should feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself, but I’m in too much shock to feel anything but surprise. “But you should talk to her.”
“It might be awkward.”
“It will definitely be awkward. Sometimes awkwardness happens, dude. You’ll never know until you try, though. You’ll never know unless you give it a fair shot.”
“Any advice?”
“You love her?”
“I love her.”
“What do you love about her, Brandon? Be specific.”
Brandon doesn’t hesitate.
He doesn’t think about it.
He doesn’t ask for a couple of minutes.
He just starts talking.
“She’s kind to everyone around her. When Dana left Wolfe City, Rebecca was there for her. Dana didn’t have a damn person in the world, but she had Rebecca. Rebecca never let her down. She was there for her at every turn. When it was time to come back and face her demons, Dana didn’t have to do it alone. Again, Rebecca was right there with her. Rebecca doesn’t think I know, but she gives discounts at the store to the poorer shifters and then pays the difference herself. She brings extra sandwiches to work with her in the morning and if someone seems hungry, she offers them one. She goes out of her way to be kind, to be good, and I’m crazy about that. She has the purest heart I’ve ever seen, but how can I tell her that?”
Suddenly, Tony looks up at me and winks.
“I think you just did,” he says. Then Tony shifts into his wolf form and runs off into the woods, leaving me on the cliff and a very, very naked Brandon on the beach.
Brandon looks up at me, shakes his head, and smiles.
“Might as well come on down, love. There’s no hiding now.”
Chapter 6
Brandon
Apparently, I’m not the greatest Alpha when I’m lovesick.
Apparently, I’m not that aware of my surroundings.
When Tony said that Rebecca had been listening, I should have paid closer attention, but I didn’t. I didn’t pay attention and I didn’t even know she was here.
Why is she here?
When Tony and I decided to come running together, I didn’t think twice about where to go. Of course we’d run to the swimming hole. It’s where we’ve always gone. If we need to be alone, to have a private conversation, or just to think, this is the place we go.
I think because I’m so used to letting my guard down here, though, I didn’t even look around. It was stupid of me. There could have been a predator out here. There could have been someone I didn’t want overhearing the conversation.
There could have been anything, anyone.
But it was Rebecca.
Even from my spot on the beach, I could see her bright red cheeks when she peeked over the edge of the cliff. I called her down and there was a moment’s hesitation before she nodded and disappeared.
Now it’s just a matter of waiting.
It’s just a matter of giving her a few minutes to get her sweet ass down here and then we’re going to have a talk. We’re going to have a good, long, decent talk and we’re going to sort this thing between us out because I can’t take another minute of not calling her mine.
I’ll wait for her until the end of time, but I’m going to call her mine. She might not be ready to accept what I’m offering, but I’m still going to offer it. I’m still going to let her know that everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be all right.
Finally, Rebecca emerges from between the trees.
She’s beautiful.
She’s also a tiger.
“Really?” I raise an eyebrow. She looks down at herself and then back up at me, as if to say, “What?”
I stand up and walk over to her. She stands perfect still and I place my hand on her head.
“You’re hiding your beautiful body from me, Rebecca. That’s fine. I understand you might be a little shy. This is the first time you’ve seen me naked, after all, and it’ll be the first time I see you, but you don’t have to be scared.”
She doesn’t move, but I can hear her heart beating faster.
Good.
She’s not unaffected by this.
I pet her soft fur, rubbing her neck and back. Then I move back up to her head. She’s swishing her tail around as I pet her. She’s practically purring. Oh, yes, my sweet Rebecca is excited.
“You’re a gorgeous tiger, sweetie,” I tell her. “I’ve never seen anyone with such a beautiful coat of fur. You take wonderful care of yourself.”
Then I do something I’ve never done before.
I do something I don’t expect to do.
I do something that shocks us both, but that feels so natural.
I kneel down in front of her and I look up at her beautiful tiger eyes.
“But I think it’s time you let someone else take care of you, Rebecca. You’ve done such a good job taking care of yourself. You’ve been so brave. You’ve been so bold. Chris would be so proud of you, honey, but don’t you think he’d also want you to be happy?”
Rebecca doesn’t move. She just looks at me, watching, and I think her heart might be b
reaking a little bit. I know mine is.
“You’ve been through so much, baby. You’ve faced the whole world alone. You’ve done this all and you’ve done it without any help from anyone, but you don’t have to do it alone anymore, Rebecca. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”
Before I realize what’s happening, she’s shifting, and then she’s curled up in a pile of tears on the ground, sobbing. I grab Rebecca and pull her gently into my lap. My arms wrap around her and I start petting her hair.
“It’s okay, baby,” I whisper. “Everything is going to be okay.”
She cries and cries, but eventually, her tears slow, and I keep touching her, keep promising her that it’s all going to be okay, keep telling her that I’m not going anywhere.
“I heard what you said,” she says finally.
“What did you hear?”
“That you love me. Is that true?”
“It’s true.”
“I love you, too, Brandon.”
I kiss her forehead, but don’t say anything else. I adore Rebecca, but this is an incredibly emotional moment. I’m worried that if I say the wrong thing or push her too much, she’ll get nervous and skittish.
I don’t want her to run away.
I don’t want her to have to be alone again.
“You miss him a lot,” I finally say. “Have you said those words to anyone since you lost Chris?”
“I haven’t,” she shakes her head. “I haven’t even been on a proper date since he died.”
“You haven’t been with anyone at all since then?”
“I’ve had sex,” she clarifies. “But I haven’t been on any dates. It felt wrong, somehow. More wrong than the sex, you know.” She laughs quietly. “Sex can just be sex, especially when you’re a shifter. Sex is a biological need. It’s understandable that sometimes you need a release, but dating? Cuddling? Watching endless sitcom reruns together? Those things are personal. Those things require you giving a little bit of yourself, a little bit of your heart.”
“I was right with you until ‘sitcom reruns,’” I say, and Rebecca slaps me gently.
“Dork,” she mutters.
“But I’m your dork.”
“He was my best friend, Brandon. He was my best friend and then he was just gone. We did everything together. When he died, I didn’t just lose my lover, I lost part of myself. There was this huge, gaping hole in my life and I didn’t know what to do.”
“But you survived,” I tell her. “You’re the strongest woman I know.”
“When the police came to my door,” she whispers, “I knew. I knew what they were going to tell me. The cops never come to your door unless they have bad news, of course. We all know that. I just didn’t think it would ever happen to me. Not in my lifetime.”
I pull Rebecca closer to me, holding her even more tightly.
“He was hit by a car while crossing the street, Brandon. He was just walking across the street and someone was texting. They couldn’t wait to send their message and now I’m a widow. It wasn’t even a drunk driver. It wasn’t even that big of a car. It was just some guy who was texting his girlfriend and hurrying home to get some.”
“I’m so sorry, Rebecca. I’m so sorry.”
“And the worst part is that I didn’t get to say goodbye. They took him to the hospital, you know. They tried to save him. They did their best, but they couldn’t keep him alive. They couldn’t save my mate. They could save Chris.”
Rebecca cries into my chest for a long time, and I cry with her a little bit. It’s not fair. It’s not fair and it’s not okay. It’s not all right. What happened to her is a horrible, horrible thing. No one should have to deal with what she’s gone through.
No one should have to handle this.
“I’m not Chris,” I say after awhile. “I’ll never replace him. You’ll always love him, but you know what, Rebecca? I think you have a big heart. You’re the best woman I’ve ever met in my life. You’re kind and sweet. You’re wonderful and thoughtful. You always look for the good in the world. You’re incredible. You’re amazing.”
She looks up at me and her eyes sparkle as they meet mine.
“Do you think you have room in your heart for two?” I ask.
Chapter 7
Rebecca
“I think I have room for two,” I tell him.
I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow.
I don’t know where I’m going to be in five years.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with the bookstore.
And I don’t know what I’m going to make for dinner.
But I know one thing, and it’s that Chris would want me to be happy. He would want me to find some sort of joy, some sort of solitude in this dark place. He would want me to be with Brandon.
He would love Brandon.
So when Brandon kisses me in the forest, I don’t feel guilty or afraid. I don’t feel scared or overwhelmed. I don’t feel anything but peace. I don’t feel anything but joy.
And I kiss him back.
I wrap my arms tightly around his neck and pull him closer. He tastes like heaven to me: warm honey mixed with berries. He tastes like a bear, not a wolf, but he’s all mine, so I don’t care. I kiss him and kiss him and kiss him.
Then I kiss him a little more.
Finally, he pulls back and I moan in protest.
“I love you, Rebecca,” he says. “But I’m not going to take you right here in the woods.”
“Why not?” I whine, looking around. “There’s no one here.”
“Because our first time is going to be perfect,” he says. “And I’m going to mate you, Rebecca. I’m going to mate you and mark you and prove to the world that you’re mine.”
“Yeah?” I quietly raise an eyebrow. “Is that a promise?”
“It’s a pink promise,” he says, holding out his pinky.
I start laughing loudly, not quite believing that this is really happening. We’re sealing our mating promise with our pinkies, but then again, I never really was traditional. Chris and I got married when we were so young. Everyone thought we wouldn’t make it. Everyone rooted against us. Now things are different.
Now I’m older, wiser.
I’m a little more mature.
I’ve seen a little more of the world.
But despite all of that, Brandon makes me feel like I’m still really young. He makes me feel alive in so many wonderful ways, in so many ways I haven’t felt in forever.
“What happens now?” I ask finally, but Brandon just laughs.
“Now it’s playtime,” he says. “And then I have to get back to work.”
He lifts me up in his arms and I think he’s going to kiss me again, but he doesn’t. Instead, he walks to the edge of the water and before I realize what’s happening, he tosses me to the center of the swimming hole and I sink down into the cool water.
I sink.
I allow myself to focus only on the physical sensations surrounding me, and I close my eyes.
I used to swim a lot as a cub. My mother used to take me to the lake every weekend and we’d swim together, splash in the water together, catch fish together.
This is different.
In this moment, I’m not just splashing around and having fun. In this moment, I’m realizing that I really have grown in the years since I lost my darling. After Chris’ death, I thought I’d never love anyone – not even a friend – again.
Dana changed so much for me.
She showed me what true friendship is. She showed me that friends are always there for you, no matter what. She showed me that when you’re feeling alone, you should have someone you can call on to help you. She showed me that sometimes, just sitting with someone is enough to make them feel a little bit peaceful.
She showed me that I can dare to try again.
And now I’ve got Brandon, too, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
When I hit the bottom of the swimming hole, I move my feet and push a
gainst the sand. I propel myself up, up, up, and out of the water, splashing above the surface like a mermaid. I hit the open air and I just laugh and laugh and laugh.
Brandon swims out and wraps his arms around me.
“Having fun?” He asks.
“The most fun.”
“I thought you might be upset I tossed you in, but you’re just too adorable. I had to.”
I kiss him softly on the lips, feeling his mouth against mine.
“I don’t mind at all. You come here a lot, don’t you?”
He nods. “It’s where I come to think. When I need to be alone, I like to put my feet in the water and just look at the beauty of nature.”
“Typical wolf,” I murmur.
“All shifters like nature,” he points out. “Not just wolves.”
“But wolves have weird outdoorsy habits, like dipping their toes into the water while they think,” I tease him.
“Plenty of people do that.”
I cock my head to the side and just look at Brandon for a good, long minute. His eyes are bright and piercing. I don’t think I could ever lie to him, not even if I wanted to. I think he’d know. Those eyes are so deep they seem to go on forever, and I think that if he ever asked me a question, I would have to be honest.
There would be no other option.
And that’s okay.
“You’re right, you know.”
“About what?”
“This place is beautiful. I don’t know how I’ve never seen it before.”
“Not too many people know about it, to be honest. You’re the first stranger I’ve ever seen out here. Usually it’s just me or me and Tony.”
“You should put a cabin on the shore,” I say, pointing to the area he was sitting earlier. “Maybe ten yards back from the shore or so. Look. It’s the perfect area for a little cabin. Then you could stay out here.”
“We could stay out here,” he corrects me.
“Yes,” I say. I don’t know what’s come over me because suddenly, all I want is to build a little cabin here with Brandon. I’m picturing our little cubs coming out and splashing in the water, playing around, having fun, and I’m picturing cooking for Brandon.