Journeys - SF10

by Meagher, Susan X

  "I'm not sure she knows that, but thanks for the vote of confidence," she said, offering up a small, sad smile.

  By the time Mia and Conor returned, the gift opening had begun. Conor went back to sit with his siblings, but Mia spotted Catherine standing in the back of the crowd and sidled up next to her. "What in the world is going on?" the younger woman asked.

  It was obvious that Mia was as puzzled by the tradition as Catherine was, and the older woman couldn't resist teasing her a little. "They're opening their gifts, of course. Is yours up there, Mia?"

  Mia blinked at her, and said, "Um…I sent a gift to the house…last week. I uh…"

  Catherine laughed, and said, "I'm just playing with you, Mia. I was a bit surprised by this myself." They watched for a few more minutes, and Catherine said, "You know, this does look like a lot of fun. Rather like a birthday party."

  "Yeah," Mia decided. "Plus, doing it in public shames people into giving you really nice stuff!"

  Conor decided to go to the bar for drinks for the table, and he nodded in Ryan's direction and asked, "Help me carry?"

  "Sure," she agreed.

  As soon as they were alone, he said, "It would have been nice of you to tell me that Mia was seeing someone else."

  She blinked at him and asked, "Why would I do that, Conor? You know I don't get involved like that."

  "I just looked like a fool today, Ryan, and you could have prevented it."

  She bit back the sarcastic reply that was itching to leave her mouth, and said, "Look, Conor, I'm sorry you feel like you looked foolish, but I'm not in the business of giving updates on my friends and their dating habits. I respect your confidences, so I have to respect hers, too."

  "Well, you could have at least told me Jordan was a dyke. That would have given me a clue."

  The bar was set up near the entrance to the garden, and Ryan grasped Conor none-too-gently by the upper arm and pushed him down one of the paths. "Look," she said, her eyes flashing with anger, "I know your feelings are hurt, but don't you dare use that term with that tone of voice. That is unacceptable!" Still glowering, she gave his arm a good shake before she released him.

  "I'm sorry," he muttered, the tips of his ears turning pink from embarrassment. "I didn't mean that like it sounded. I'm just…I'm…"

  "You're hurt," she snapped. "You really liked Mia…it didn't work out…someone else is with her now, and she seems happy. It makes sense that you're hurt, Conor, but that's no reason to blame Jordan. She didn't take Mia from you. Mia wasn't yours." Her words didn't bear their usual gentle concern, since she was still smarting from his slur.

  Conor looked at her, obviously stung by her harsh tone. "This has never happened to me before, Ryan," he said softly. "I don't know how to handle it."

  Quickly, she wracked her mind and realized that Conor had never been dumped by anyone he cared about. He was actually more phobic than she had been about getting close-with the exception of his one long-term girlfriend, Melissa, whom he had dated for two years. She gentled her voice, and said, "Conor, I know this is hard for you, but you need to look at reality here. You went out with Mia twice. I know you felt there was a lot of chemistry there, but you don't know her that well, and she doesn't know you very well, either. She wasn't rejecting you-heck, she didn't know you well enough to reject you."

  He gave her a startled look, and she assured him, "You know what I mean. I think you see Mia more as an archetype than as a person. You just don't know her well enough to be this bothered by her choice to be with Jordan."

  "I don't know what an archetype is, but I see Mia as a person, Ryan. Maybe this has never happened to you, but I just clicked with her. I don't want to give up."

  "You don't have to, Conor. You can sit around and waste your time waiting for her to break up with Jordan, but I wouldn't advise it. They're really getting close, but even if they weren't, Mia decided not to be with you even before she met Jordan. That's not an insignificant fact, bro."

  "Maybe," he said, not looking convinced in the least. "I guess we'll just have to wait and see."

  He started to walk back towards the party, but she placed her hand on his chest to stop him. "Don't let this get to your ego, Conor. Mia isn't a prize-she's a person."

  Shaking his head he said, "That's where you're wrong, Sis. She's both."

  As the afternoon went on, more and more of the people from the neighborhood, fellow firefighters, and people from the parish took their leave. By the time dusk fell, about 30 people remained, most of them family members. A few of the cousins had brought dates, and eventually most of the clan wound up on the dance floor. The crowd was no longer paired off in couples; now all of the women danced with all of the men, without regard to sexual orientation. Ryan noticed that Conor made it a point to dance with Jordan a time or two, and she was pleased to see that he was sulking less.

  The band was playing mostly Irish music, most of their selections very sprightly and easy to dance to in an exuberant manner. They threw in an occasional ballad, some of them popular songs, just to appeal to everyone. As one ballad began, Ryan spotted her motherin-law standing near the pool, checking on some detail, taking her role of hostess very seriously. Ryan walked up and adopted a formal air, asking, "Would you care to dance?" Catherine blinked at her in surprise, then her mouth twitched into a grin, and she placed her hand in Ryan's, allowing herself to be led to the dance area. "Have you ever danced with a woman before?" the younger woman asked.

  "Let's see now…have I ever danced with a woman?" She acted as though the question merited great thought, finally saying, "I think not, Ryan, not unless you count junior high."

  "I don't," Ryan said, and drew her close by placing a hand upon the small of her back. "This doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it?"

  "No, of course not," she smiled. "You know, given how most men feel about dancing, I should always dance with women. The only problem would be who would lead." She smiled up at her daughter-in-law, and said, "I bet you never have that problem, do you, Ryan?"

  "No," Ryan agreed, "I tend to lead. Byproduct of my size, I suppose."

  "I think your personality might be a small contributing factor," Catherine said dryly. "You're no shrinking violet, Ryan." She let out a light chuckle as she added, "Besides, you dance beautifully."

  "Thanks," she said, and deciding to reveal one of her hidden desires, she informed Catherine, "I wanted to be a dancer for the Niners when I was a little girl."

  "That's a switch," Catherine laughed. "I can see you dreaming of being a defensive back, but I can't see you as a dancer."

  "Yeah, I think that was my only sex-typed goal," Ryan decided. "Of course, Jamie thinks I wanted to be a dancer just to be around a lot of good-looking girls." She paused a beat and added, "She might be right."

  Catherine slid her arm around Ryan and gave her a squeeze. "I'm having such a good time today."

  "I hope you know how much we all appreciate this. It's made all the difference in making this day memorable for Da and my aunt."

  "The pleasure is definitely all mine," Catherine assured her.

  Just then Jamie swept by, leading Maeve around the dance floor. "Will you give me lessons in how to lead, honey?" she asked. "This is harder than it looks!"

  "It's not a bed of roses being a top," Ryan smirked. "Lotta hard work involved, babe."

  Ryan looked around at their fellow dancers and saw that most of her aunts were now dancing with each other, a common event in her family, since none of her uncles would set foot on the dance floor. Her aunts Peggy and Eileen were always in demand, since they were both very good at leading, always finding their dance cards full at the Hibernians' socials. When Rory noticed that all of his aunts were now on the dance floor, he continued to play songs that were conducive to dancing. Soon, Jordan and Mia got into the act, with each of them taking a turn with Catherine, Maeve and Moira. Ryan danced with each of her aunts, finally ending up with Moira.

  "What's your tall friend's name again, lo
ve?"

  "That's Jordan," Ryan supplied.

  "Yes, Jordan. She's a very good dancer," Moira said. "She'd never have a chance to sit at one of our parish dinner dances."

  "I'll tell her that," Ryan smirked. "She likes to be the best at everything…that'll make her day."

  "You have nice friends," Moira said thoughtfully. "They seem very fond of you."

  "Yeah, they are," Ryan agreed.

  "I have a favor to ask of you, Ryan," Moira said.

  "Anything, Aunt Moira. All you have to do is ask."

  "Cait has a little Internet computer now. She saved all year and finally got enough money to buy it and pay for a connection. Will you start corresponding with her?"

  "Sure," Ryan said immediately. She noticed the slight look of concern on her aunt's face, and asked, "What's bothering you, Aunt Moira? Is Cait giving you trouble?"

  "No, no, not at all. She's just…I see a lot of similarities between Cait and you, Ryan, and I think she could use someone to talk to. Someone who might understand and help her through this time in her life."

  "I take it that you don't mean she's gifted in math," Ryan guessed, "and I know she's not extraordinarily tall. That leaves one main theme," the younger woman said. "Do you think she's gay, Aunt Moira?"

  The worried look became more pronounced as Moira said, "I don't know for sure, Ryan. I haven't even spoken to Eamon about this. I just see how she is with her good friend, Maddie, and it reminds me of you and your friend, Sara. I know it's common for girls her age to have a good friend…but there's something more, Ryan, and I'm a little afraid to ask her."

  "That's probably wise," Ryan decided. "Asking her directly might upset her…especially if she doesn't know yet."

  The song finished, and Moira stayed right where she was, her arms loosely draped around her much taller niece's waist. As the music started again she looked up at Ryan and asked, "How do you mean? How would you not know that you were in love with someone?"

  "It's different, Aunt Moira," she said. "It's hard to explain, but many young lesbians aren't aware that what they're feeling for another girl is love or sexual attraction. It's tough growing up as a member of such a small minority group-we're really quite invisible. And we're the only minority group that doesn't share our status with our parents-for the most part, at least. It takes most girls a little while to get comfortable that what they're feeling is normal-for them, but isn't what most of their friends are experiencing. I swear that I didn't know I was gay until I was seventeen-even though I had always been attracted to women. I just assumed that's how everyone felt."

  Moira nodded and said, "I've never thought of it like that, Ryan. I just assumed it was something that you always knew-but you had to wait for the right time to share it with others."

  "Maybe it is for some girls-especially ones who have positive role models-but it wasn't for me, and we lived in the most lesbian neighborhood in the city. It just didn't click."

  "Well, I can assure you that we don't live in the most lesbian neighborhood in Ireland, Ryan. If Cait is a lesbian, she's not getting much in the way of positive role models. That's why I'd like your help. I'd really like you to lend an ear if this is how she's feeling."

  "How do you feel about it, Aunt Moira?" Ryan asked gently.

  "Well, I've thought about this a lot, Ryan, and while it's not what I'd choose for her, I'm fine with it. I just worry that she'll head off to Dublin as soon as she finishes school, so she can be around other girls like her."

  "That's a definite possibility, Aunt Moira. Killala would be a lonely place to be gay."

  "Yes, and I want her to be happy, so I suppose I have to prepare myself for that eventuality."

  "Well, don't assume that she's packing her bags, Aunt Moira. Maybe she and her friend are just very close."

  "Maybe," the older woman said hesitantly, "but I don't think so."

  It was fully dark by six, and all of the cousins went into the pool house to change into their casual clothes. The band was taking a break, and Martin came by to say that he and Maeve were thinking about leaving, since they had a long drive to Pebble Beach.

  "How will you get there?" Ryan asked, knowing that he had released the limo.

  "Kevin drove Maeve's car down. Our things are already packed in it," he said. "Bryant has a rental car, and he's going to take Kevin back home."

  "Great. Well, all you have to do is dance with your bride once, and we'll let you go."

  "Oh, Siobhan, you won't make your poor father embarrass himself that way, will you?"

  "Of course I will," she laughed. "Aunt Maeve would be disappointed if you didn't dance with her, Da. I know you don't want to disappoint her."

  "That threat will lose its effectiveness one day," he muttered as his eyes narrowed, "but it's still working just fine now. I'll go find her." He was just a few feet away when he stopped and said, "Let's get everyone together and do a reel. I can't believe we haven't done one yet."

  She knew this was just a ploy to have the spotlight diffused, but Ryan knew her father well enough to know that it was nearly painful for him to have too much attention focused on him. "That's fine idea, Da. Jamie doesn't know any reels, and it's high time she learned."

  While Martin arranged for all of the remaining guests to join them, Ryan gathered up the few neophytes and demonstrated the rudiments of the simplest dance she knew. She had Jamie, Catherine, Mia, Jordan, Bryant and a few of the cousin's dates mimicking her steps in short order, and by the time Martin had instructed the band, all were ready.

  Following Martin's instructions, the band started off rather slowly, letting everyone get used to the pace. The lilting melody carried the inexperienced dancers along, and soon nearly everyone was up to speed. Speed soon became the operative word, as the band increased the tempo slowly, but inexorably. Soon, the entire group was nearly flying around the dance floor, the energetic, joyous beat causing everyone to laugh helplessly as they passed each other in the chaotic whirl. With a loud crescendo, the piece finally ended, most of the participants forced to bend from the waist to catch their breath. "Good Lord!" Martin gasped, "they're trying to kill us!"

  "That was a blast!" Mia piped up, the energetic dance barely raising her heart beat. "Let's do another!"

  The band slowed down a bit for humanitarian reasons, and eventually Martin joined the group again, gamely participating in the fun. Ryan was even a little winded when they finally stopped, but since she was holding Caitlin upon her shoulders, she had a valid excuse.

  "That was grand!" Maeve exclaimed. "Now we need a nice, slow piece so I can dance with my Marty." She gave him a look that he was unable to resist, and he found himself approaching her with his hand extended, waiting to begin.

  Knowing this was difficult for him, Ryan made an offer. "We'll accompany you, Da. Come on fellas," she said to her brothers. "Let's give them a nice sendoff."

  Rory suggested a traditional Irish tune that he knew their father liked, so since the piece didn't call for drums, Ryan decided to play the bodhrán. The instrument looked a bit like a tambourine, consisting of goatskin stretched over a round wooden frame. The sound was not similar, however, since the bodhrán was more of a timekeeper than melodic or percussive. Brendan took the acoustic guitar, Rory handled keyboards, and Conor played the fiddle, not his first choice, but the band didn't usually carry a mandolin.

  They hadn't played together in over a year, but their previous years of practice allowed them to get comfortable quickly. As the boys tuned up, Ryan was struck by memories of childhood--sitting in the living room, playing simple tunes with her brothers. She had started off playing the Irish whistle, mainly because her small hands were not competent to play any of the more complex instruments, and even though she had taken up other instruments over the years, she still felt a special place in her heart for her whistle. She didn't think Rory had one with him, however, so she thought the bodhrán was a good substitute.

  As agreed, Martin led his bride onto the dance floor,
pleased that everyone didn't abandon the space when he and Maeve entered. Jamie could see that he was uncomfortable, so she enlisted Mia and Jordan to join her as they asked Martin's brothers to join them in a dance. Even though the men never danced with their wives, none of them were foolish enough to pass up a chance to dance with a pretty girl, and by the time Martin had taken just a few steps, all of his brothers had joined him. Regrettably, if Martin and Maeve had any hope of being able to have a quiet, low-key dance, that chance flew away when the brothers were lured onto the floor. Now all of the aunts and all of the cousins, paid rapt attention, but thankfully, the attention was split between the four of them, lessening Martin's discomfort. In fact, of the four brothers, he was the most graceful, but that wasn't saying much. As much as Maeve appreciated his attempt, by the time the song ended she was privately resigned to dancing with her sisters-in-law at the next dinner-dance they attended.

  The applause at the end of the song was as much for the dancers as the band, even though the siblings had performed admirably. Maeve came over to thank them for playing and asked, "Have you no whistle, Ryan? Your father would love to hear you play a tune."

  "I have one," Rory volunteered, and Ryan immediately agreed to switch instruments. They decided to play an ancient tune, one that had been heard in the west of Ireland for centuries. Ryan hooked the heels of her low boots onto the lowest rung of a stool and concentrated for a minute, looking over the sheet music that Rory provided. The boys agreed to accompany her and, after calling out the time, she began to play.

  It was fully dark, and the band was nearly outside of the perimeter lighting that illuminated the yard and pool. Ghostly shadows were cast over them as they started the sad, haunting tune. All of their faces were indistinct, and as the music wafted over the crowd in the darkened evening, thoughts of previous generations of their ancestors joining together for music and camaraderie settled in the hearts of the family members, the music evoking emotions that none of them could name but all felt strongly.