Whitney shuddered. These were part of Tanner’s social circle. Were these the type of people she would be forced into being around for the rest of her life?
“And that woman Tanner is with.” Her tone held a note of disgust. “I know her name from somewhere. I just can’t figure out where.”
“Charlotte said she’s a matchmaker. Can you imagine?”
“I know where I’ve seen her before. She went to college with me. She was President of the Literary Society. I knew I recognized her name. She used to be huge.”
“A fat matchmaker,” one of them cackled.
Whitney had heard that kind of talk before. She didn’t like it any better now.
“She’s not fat now.”
“No, she isn’t, but I wonder how she managed to snag that gorgeous Tanner. I wonder if he knows she was once so heavy.”
Whitney had heard enough. She felt sick. Moisture filled her eyes. She wanted to get out of there. Turning, she headed down the hall again in search of Tanner.
As she reached him, he took one look at her and demanded, “What’s wrong?”
“I’d like to go now.” She worked not to have a quiver in her voice.
Tanner touched her arm. “Are you not feeling well?”
She pulled away. “You could say that.”
A perplexed look came over his face. “Let’s say our goodbyes to Malcolm and Marie then we can go.”
“Why don’t you do that for me? I’ll wait for you in the car.”
Tanner looked at her closely. “What’s going on? You feeling ill?”
“I’ll tell you when we get home.” Whitney made her way toward the front door.
She had already called for the car by the time Tanner joined her. The valet pulled up in front of them before Tanner could start asking questions.
He helped her in then went around and slid into the driver’s seat. They were out on the road when he asked, “Do you want to tell me what happened back there?”
CHAPTER NINE
TANNER’S TONE REMINDED Whitney too much of how he had sounded when he’d demanded that she go with him to Napa. He wasn’t going to leave her any choice but to answer. “Can we please just talk about it when we get home?”
He glanced at her. “Okay, but I’ll accept nothing short of a full explanation.”
For the next three-quarters of an hour they said nothing. Tanner glanced at her a couple of times with concern. Which only made what she was going to have to say worse. Whitney searched for a way out of what she knew was coming. She was going to give up everything she had ever dreamed of or hoped for. A burning sensation rolled in her middle. Whitney crossed her arms over her stomach. She might truly be sick.
What could she do to stop herself from destroying her life? How could she not? She couldn’t live thinking she was inadequate every time she and Tanner went out. That Tanner might one day be disappointed in her. Leave her. Those old insecurities she’d thought she’d put away when she had lost weight hadn’t been far below the surface.
Anyway, Tanner had made it clear weeks ago when they had met to start looking for a mate for him that he was only interested in a mutually beneficial relationship. Not love. She wanted love or nothing. There had not been one word about loving her in the weeks they had been together. There might never be. How was she supposed to gain his love if she couldn’t even handle herself at one of his social gatherings without falling apart?
They weren’t going to work. It was best to call it quits now before either one of them got in any deeper. Only it was too late for her. She loved him beyond measure.
At her house Tanner helped her out of the car. He followed her into the living room. She went to stand near the fireplace behind a chair. She needed it to provide her support.
Tanner stood in the middle of the room, waiting.
That nauseated feeling intensified. Only with a determination she would have sworn she didn’t possess did Whitney meet his look. What she had to say must be said.
“Whitney, what happened?” There was alarm in his voice. “Are you okay?”
She sadly shook her head. “Tanner, we’re not going to work.”
“What?” He started toward her.
She put out a hand to stop him. “Us as a couple isn’t going to work.”
He came to an abrupt halt. “I thought we were working just fine until an hour ago. Now I’m just confused. Could you tell me what the problem is?”
What she wouldn’t give to have him quit glaring at her. Hurt had seeped into his eyes. She said as clearly as she could, “I overheard some women talking about one of the ladies being fat. They even had something to say about me being with you. I can’t tolerate that backbiting. I know that social events are important to your career but I can’t do it. I spent too much of my life being treated as a second-class citizen. I won’t go there again.”
His look turned incredulous. “You’ve got to be kidding! All of this is about a few women being bitchy?”
She gripped the chair. How could she make him understand? A lifetime of people thinking you’re less of a person because your body hung over a chair, your plate was piled full, your clothes baggy. Being judged and found wanting. Those emotions weren’t easily pushed aside.
“It’s more than that. I’m not who you need. I’ll end up disappointing you. What if I gain weight? I can so easily. I have to watch it all the time.”
He put out his hands as if pleading. “Hell, you’re old enough and smart enough to know that people are the same everywhere. They’re going to talk. What they say doesn’t matter.”
“I wish that was true. But it’s hard for me to push away those old feelings of not being good enough. Your friends and associates are the type who used to put me down or, worse, not include me. I don’t want to embarrass you. Be an embarrassment to you.”
Tanner’s hands had fallen to his sides and he all but shouted, “That’s not going to happen.”
“You don’t know that.” Whitney worked to keep her voice even and calm while her heart raced in her chest. “We’re deluding ourselves. You hired me to find you the ‘right match.’ I’m not it.”
“There has to be more to this than women talking. You couldn’t possibly be that insecure. Or think so little of me. I’ve never said anything but positive things about your looks. I think you are beautiful.” His disbelief circled around them like an angry animal.
“That’s because you’ve never known what it’s like, being an outsider,” she said, unable to meet his blazing eyes.
“The hell I haven’t.” He stepped toward her. “What do you think it was like to live with my parents? I never knew if my father was coming home or how crazy my mother would be when he did. My brother and I never had any idea what to expect. At least you had functional parents. A place to live where all the focus wasn’t on what your parents wanted. You felt loved.”
She gripped the chair, glad for its support. Maybe he did understand what it was like to have apprehensions but she wasn’t going to keep putting herself into the kind of situation she’d been in tonight. “I don’t know what you want from me.”
“I was going to ask you to marry me.”
Her look zeroed in on his. “What? As a business merger or a declaration of love?”
Tanner didn’t come any closer. “You knew from our first meeting that love wasn’t part of the deal.”
And she had. But she had hoped he would change his mind. Would slowly come to know love through her actions toward him. “That’s what you said.”
He dipped his chin and cocked a brow. “You didn’t believe me?”
“Yes, but I thought you’d change when you found the right woman.”
His chuckle had no real humor to it. “Whitney, I know I’ve made it perfectly clear what I am looking for in
a wife. I’m sure I’ve not misled you even once.”
“That’s just it. I want something you can’t or won’t give.” She moved to stand beside the chair. “I love you and I want you to love me in return. You refuse. I won’t settle for less. I’ve seen what a loving relationship can be with my grandparents and parents. I deserve the same.
“You do as well but you’re so sure that it doesn’t exist or that you’ll be so dependent on another person for happiness that you push that happiness away. I’ve shown you love in every way I know how in the last few months. Mind, body and soul. Yet you won’t accept it. I need someone in my life who wants me for more than laughs and companionship or good sex.”
“I’ll have you know that sex between us is better than good. And I want you to have my children. You would be a wonderful mother.”
Whitney slowly shook her head, sadness overtaking her. “You just don’t get it. The sex is so great because I’m making love to you. But I still won’t bring a child into a loveless marriage. You’re so fearful that you’re going to end up acting like your mother that you can’t let anyone in. The thing is that you act more like your father. Taking the love and life you could have and throwing it back in my face.”
Tanner looked as if she’d socked him on the chin, dazed him. She had hit a nerve. A very exposed one. Whitney stepped back a pace. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
As if performing a magic trick, Tanner made a transformation. Straightening his shoulders and with all the fire leaving his eyes, he smiled tightly at her. He shoved his hands in his pockets. His demeanor became as cold as the night air coming off the San Francisco Bay in winter. “You may be right about that. But this just proves that love isn’t worth the hurt.
“Since we’re being so open here, let me tell you a few things. Not everyone wants a pie-in-the-sky, everything-is-rosy marriage. Some people just want peace in their life. A haven to come home to where people coexist, have common interests and mutual respect. Maybe some people, you included, think that a loving marriage is the goal in life. Me, I don’t know how to do that. And I’ve never said or implied that I did.
“Another thing. You can’t punish me for what people did to you in your past. You can’t live worried about what people might do and say now. You’re not the person you were when you were heavy. It’s rather vain for you to think everyone is judging you. People like your ex-fiancé disappoint others. I’m not your ex. I don’t have to love you to be supportive and stand beside you. I think I have proved that more than once.”
Whitney shrank back. He had proved his loyalty. Still, she wanted his heart.
“One more thing.” He raised a finger in the air. “Not once have I ever said I give a damn about your weight. Even when I gave you a list of what I was looking for in a mate, I didn’t once say anything about the woman being thin. All of that is in—” he pointed his finger at her “—your head.
“Don’t bother asking me to leave. I’m gone. Throw my stuff in a bag. Put it on the front stoop. Text me and I’ll come and get it. That way I won’t ever bother you again.”
Seconds later her front door closed with a shudder of the stained glass that coincided with her howl of agony.
* * *
It had been three weeks since Tanner had left Whitney’s and he still didn’t feel any better. He’d never been so blindsided in his life. Whitney’s announcement that their relationship wasn’t working had been news to him. She’d completely overreacted to what amounted to gossip. Those women didn’t matter. People talked all the time. What mattered was what was best for Whitney and him. They enjoyed the same things, were great together in bed. Wanted the same things out of life. Maybe that wasn’t exactly right. She wanted love, needed it from him. Did he even understand the emotion? Was he capable of giving it if he did?
He wanted to put his hand through a wall or shake Whitney until he shook some sense into her.
When he’d left her place he’d driven to his apartment, which he’d been thinking of selling because things between him and Whitney had been going so well. That was over. Entering the cold, sterile-looking place after staying in Whitney’s warm and inviting home made him more depressed. She’d added vitality to his life.
More times than he could count he’d been hurt by his parents’ actions but he had never felt this gnawing, snarling anger and frustration eating away at him that he had now. It affected every part of his life. Including his work. His staff was starting to give him looks and make hushed comments under their breath after he had given an order. He was trying to get a promotion and his staff was tiptoeing around him.
The nights were the worst. Especially when he did doze off and woke reaching for her on the other side of the bed. Most of the time he just paced the floor or stayed at the hospital. Eyedrops had become a staple because he never seemed to close his eyes. If he did, Whitney’s smiling face invaded his mind. Her swishing her butt as she sang to a song while cooking dinner. Whitney’s look of bliss as she found her release.
He slammed his hand down on his desk, making the pen beside it jump. This had to stop.
Punching the button on the desk phone, he ran back through the messages until he found hers, leaving him the name of the other matchmaker. It was time to move on.
The sound of Whitney’s clear voice almost dissolved his resolve. He missed her with every fiber of his being. Even his clothes smelled of her.
He’d gone by her place. A bag had sat on the stoop, just as he’d requested. When he’d got it home and opened it, the smell of her had wafted around him. He’d felt sucker punched. Inside the bag had been his clothes, neatly folded and arranged with care. She’d still been taking care of him. The smell had lingered to the point where he’d stuffed all the clothing back into the bag and taken them to the cleaners.
Tanner picked up the pen and quickly jotted the number down that Whitney had left in the message. He didn’t want to have to listen twice. With a punch of his finger he deleted the communication. That ended any temptation to hear it again.
He was tied in knots and it was time to get undone. The first step was to call this new matchmaker and start the process of finding someone who fit his requirements. Someone who didn’t see love as the main ingredient. He would make the call as soon as he saw his afternoon clinic patients. The first on the list was Mr. Wilcox. Whitney had even managed to take some of the pleasure out of seeing the older man. Why had he let her permeate his working life? He was paying for it dearly. And was afraid he’d be doing so for a long time to come.
Tanner opened the door to the small but functional examination room. Mr. Wilcox sat on the exam table with his shirt off. “Hello. How’re you feeling?” Tanner asked.
“I’m fine except for the fact that I’m freezing to death. You ask us to strip down then leave us in a cold room.”
That was one of many things he liked about Mr. Wilcox. The man said what he thought. Not unlike Whitney. “Sorry about that. Let me give you a listen then you can get dressed.”
Tanner pulled his stethoscope from around his neck. Mr. Wilcox was doing well. His heart was working as expected and so far there was no major rejection. Tanner fully believed he would live many more years. Minutes later he said, “You sound good. You can put your shirt on now.” He gave Mr. Wilcox a steady hand to hold as he climbed down from the table.
Mr. Wilcox slid an arm into a sleeve of his shirt and said, “So how’s your lady doing?”
The one subject Tanner didn’t what to talk about. His lady. Whitney had been. He’d been happy then.
“She’s fine.”
Mr. Wilcox looked up from buttoning his shirt. “That doesn’t sound so fine.”
Tanner acted as if he was writing on the chart. “It’s not. We broke up.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. But you know the old saying, ‘If it’s worth having it’s worth
fighting for.’ I would say that one is worth fighting for.”
“I don’t think it matters. We want two different things out of life.”
Mr. Wilcox nodded with his lips pursed as if in thought. “That so? I think I’d be changing what I want to keep her.”
Could he do that? Tell her that he loved her? Did he?
“It’s good to see you, Mr. Wilcox. Call if you need us, otherwise I’ll see you in two months.”
“Sounds good. Hey, you know love isn’t always easy but it’s always worth it.”
There was that word again. Love. That wasn’t the kind of relationship he wanted. Yet there was an ache where his heart was that was saying differently.
His fourth patient for the afternoon was a middle-aged woman who had progressively gotten sicker and sicker. He would soon have to place her on the transplant list.
Tanner plastered on a congenial smile and entered the room. “Hello, Mrs. Culpepper.”
“Hi, Dr. Locke. I’d like you to meet my husband, Henry.”
The man with graying hair at his temples stood. He and Tanner shook hands.
“Do you mind if I give you a listen, Mrs. Culpepper?” Tanner said as he removed his stethoscope.
“That’s what I’m here for.” She smiled and sat straighter on the exam table.
Tanner listened carefully to the slow and sluggish organ in her chest. Even her breathing was taking on a more labored sound. “Give me a sec. I need to have a look at your X-rays.” Tanner typed his security code into the computer and pulled up Mrs. Culpepper’s chart. With another click the picture she had just taken in the X-ray department came up on the screen. There it was, the oversize heart of the thin woman sitting before him.
He looked at Mrs. Culpepper. “I’m going to let you get dressed and have you meet me down the hall in the conference room where we can talk more comfortably. Lisa, my nurse, will be in to show you the way.”
A distressed look came over her face but she nodded and slid off the table to stand. Her husband hurried to help her.
A few minutes later Tanner entered a room furnished with a serviceable table and six chairs. His nurse assistant, Lisa, and the Culpeppers were already waiting for him. Tanner took a chair facing them. Mrs. Culpepper looked close to tears. She must fear what was coming. This was the least enjoyable part of Tanner’s job. Mr. Culpepper placed a hand on hers resting on the table. He too must sense what Tanner was planning to say.
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