“It’s time, isn’t it?” Mrs. Culpepper said.
Tanner nodded. “It is.”
Her husband gently squeezed her hand. “We’ll get through this together. That’s what we do.”
She looked at him. The bond between them was obvious. “I know I can count on you.”
Why had Tanner never noticed that in couples before? Since Whitney had come into his life he seemed to see loving couples everywhere where he’d seen none before. For the first time in his life he’d begun to want that. But he’d thrown it back in Whitney’s face when she’d offered it.
“We’ll start the process of getting you listed on the United Network for Organ Sharing today. There’ll be further tests in the days ahead. Lisa will help you with those.”
The couple’s eyes glistened with moisture as they clung together.
Could the day get any worse? He’d bet everything he owned that Whitney would show that same loving concern if her husband was ill. Because she would love him. Their souls would be united. Would a wife based on his list care about him in the same way?
“So what do we need to do?” Mr. Culpepper asked.
The man saw his wife’s health as a partnership. Why hadn’t Tanner noticed that in his patients before? The Culpeppers couldn’t be the only ones who felt that way. Had he just been choosing to ignore how people who loved each other acted? Was he so scared of loving or being loved that he was running from it? Wasn’t that what Whitney had accused him of?
Could he live with someone who loved him without becoming emotionally invested himself? Not if he wanted Whitney. She would demand it of him. Could he give it? What he needed to understand was why his father had refused to accept it.
Half an hour later he left the Culpeppers with Lisa and returned to his office. He found the piece of paper he’d written the matchmaker’s name on and crumbled it into a ball then tossed it into the trash. He already knew who his match was. Now all he had to do was be worthy of her. Find some way of meeting her halfway. That could only come from understanding why his parents had had such a dysfunctional relationship.
He picked up his phone. When a man answered Tanner said, “Dad. It’s Tanner. Can I come down to see you this weekend?”
* * *
Tanner had driven faster than the speed limit, so he’d made good time on his way south on the coast road to Santa Barbara. He’d not seen his father in over five years and even then it had been brief and tense. There was no common ground for a relationship between them. That wouldn’t change but Tanner needed to try to get some answers, a little understanding. There was no doubt he would be digging up painful memories but if he wanted to have the life he was dreaming of, finding that peace, he had to try to come to grips with his childhood.
Whitney had said he was like his father. The more he thought about it the more he tended to agree. So why was he like the man he disliked so much? Because he’d been so afraid of being hurt, like his mother had been?
His father had been surprised to hear from him. Rightfully so. There was a long pause when Tanner had asked if he could visit.
“Why?” had been his father’s response.
“I have some questions I need answered.”
Again there was a long pause. “Come on. I can’t promise you’ll like what you hear.”
At least his father was willing to listen to the questions.
Tanner turned into his father’s drive just before lunchtime. He had a simple one-story home that was well kept in a subdivision about five miles from the beach.
He and his father had agreed to go out to eat. Tanner felt they needed a neutral zone for the possibly tense discussion they were to have. His father had remarried while Tanner had been in med school but he had never met his new wife. Tanner had hardly stepped out of the car before his father exited the house and walked toward him. He was an older version of what Tanner saw in the mirror. He was like his father in more ways than one.
“Hello, Tanner.”
“Hi, Dad. It’s nice to see you.” To his amazement Tanner actually meant it.
“Good to see you as well. The restaurant is just half a mile from here.”
Was he protecting his wife from what might be said between them by not inviting Tanner in? “Okay. Would you like to ride with me?”
For a second Tanner thought his father might say no. “That’ll work.”
His father had picked a local place with plenty of room between the tables. Tanner was glad. They wouldn’t easily be overheard. It wasn’t until they were settled at their table, drinks served and orders taken, that Tanner said, “I have some questions about you and Mom.”
Seeing his father’s expression, Tanner was glad he’d requested a quiet spot off to the side. This discussion might be more difficult than he’d expected.
“Just what do you want to know?” His father fiddled with his napkin.
“Why you even married? Why were you never around? Did you even love her? Us?”
His father sighed deeply. “I should have had this discussion with you and Mark a long time ago but it was easier not to. I ought to have known it would happen one day. Yes, I loved your mother. Married her because I did. I’ve always loved you and Mark.”
“So why did you and Mother always act like you were so unhappy?”
“Because we were. Your mother was so jealous. She smothered me. It wasn’t that way so much at first. But as time went on she became obsessed. She’d accuse me of seeing other women. I wasn’t but there was no convincing her. I tried to keep it all from you and your brother. We went to counseling but nothing worked. So when I had a chance to take a job traveling, I did, hoping that things would be better if I wasn’t around so much. But that only made the situation worse when I came home. Her jealousy killed my love and then our marriage. I would have taken you and Mark with me but you were all she had. I feared she might take her life if I did that.”
“You know that I hated you for how you treated her.” Tanner couldn’t keep his bitterness out of his voice. He’d lived with it too long.
“I know. But I thought it better for you to hate me than her.”
His father had loved him enough to make that sacrifice. Was that the type of love Whitney had been showing him? She understood sacrificial love over possessive love. He’d still been the kid that couldn’t see the difference.
“Dad, why have you never said anything? Mark and I have been adults for a long time.”
He shrugged. “It wouldn’t have changed anything.”
“Yeah, it would have. I’ve had a wonderful woman in my life who I wasn’t willing to love because I didn’t think it was possible to have a marriage based on emotion.”
There was a sheen of moisture in his father’s eyes. “Tanner, I never meant for you to feel that way. I’m sorry. Will you tell me about her?”
Over the next few minutes Tanner shared how he and Whitney had met. Why they had broken up.
“Life is too short to spend it without love,” his father said.
“Another man told me the same thing recently.”
His father met his look. “So what’re you going to do?”
“Beg her to forgive me for being an idiot and shout from the Golden Gate Bridge that I love her.”
His father’s smile was genuine for the first time. “That sounds like a good start. Then tell her that every day for the rest of your life.”
“I will.”
During the meal they caught up on what they had missed in each other’s lives. When they returned to his father’s house he invited Tanner in to meet his wife. Tanner hesitated but then agreed.
“Julie, I’m home,” his father called as they came in the front door.
The living room looked comfortable. Lived in, much like Whitney’s. A place that made you feel welcome.
His father kissed the petite brown-haired woman on the cheek and put his arm around her waist when she joined them. That was something Tanner had never seen him do with his mother.
“Tanner, I’d like you to meet my wife, Julie. Julie, this is Tanner.”
Julie surprised him by hugging him. Her smile was warm and inviting. “It’s so nice to meet you. Your father brags about you all the time.”
Tanner looked at his father, who shrugged and smiled affectionately at Julie. “Honey, don’t tell all my secrets.”
“Well, it’s true. Why don’t we sit down and I can find out if your father has been telling me the truth?”
Tanner couldn’t help but smile. The warmth Julie exuded made him feel at ease. He liked her. She sat close to his father on the sofa and every so often she touched him when she was making a point. Julie obviously cared for his father. There was a happiness about him Tanner had never seen before. To his amazement Tanner was glad for him.
As Tanner was leaving his father called out, “Let me know how it goes with Whitney.”
“I will.” The relationship between his father and himself wasn’t what it should be but they had made a step forward.
Now Tanner had to face Whitney. Could he possibly let go enough to admit how he felt about her? If he wanted Whitney, he’d have to. What sickened him was that he hadn’t recognized her love when she’d given it. He’d had it right there in front of him and he hadn’t grabbed it. After all, he did love her. Had for a long time.
* * *
Whitney had cried to the point of being sick. In the past there had been days when people had hurt her feelings and she’d been upset but nothing matched the agony she felt over the loss of Tanner. His absence was a void she couldn’t fill.
She had managed to place Tanner’s clothes in a bag and text him but it had almost torn her heart out. Against her better judgment she’d kept one of his T-shirts. It was an unhealthy thing to do but she’d become so accustomed to having him next to her in bed that she put the shirt under the spare pillow and pulled it out to smell it before she went to sleep. When she could sleep.
So much time had passed since she had spoken to her parents they’d become concerned enough to check on her. When they did she gave them a blurry-eyed, tearful and painfully short version of what had happened. They were supportive and worried but in the end there wasn’t anything they could do to help. As they were leaving her mother said, “We never know what life will give us. Never give up.”
Whitney knew life sent you experiences and people that you never expected. Tanner had proved that. The problem was this time she was the one who had told Tanner to go. It had been the right decision but it still hurt.
In the middle of the second week she’d been in mourning for Tanner a new client called. That was the catalyst that started bringing her out of the darkness. She needed to keep herself busy for sanity’s sake. To do that she was going to have to start clawing her way back to being a functioning adult again. She took a bath and washed her hair before sitting down at the computer. To her horror Tanner’s profile was the first one to appear in her business file.
She looked at his smiling face for too long before she deleted it. She wouldn’t need his profile any longer. Was he already dating other matches? The idea was crushing. But she had pushed him away. He was free to do as he pleased.
She kept repeating like a mantra that she had done it for their own good. Love was important to her. Necessary and nonnegotiable. For Tanner it was unimportant. He had issues that he needed to resolve. He’d stated clearly that he believed she did as well.
Hadn’t she dealt with those long ago?
Whitney looked around the kitchen where bags of chips and dessert snack covers cluttered the table and counter. She’d turned to food again to sooth her stress and fear. Jumping up, she gathered the litter and uneaten junk food, cramming it in the garbage can. That too had to stop. Returning to her desk, she picked up her phone and punched in the number to speed dial the overeating support group she’d once attended. It was time to get her life back on track without Tanner.
Over the next two days she set up two socials and made an appointment to meet a new client. She didn’t feel alive yet but at least she was making an effort.
Her client was a woman of about her own age. In fact, she looked familiar. Extremely attractive, she still seemed a little unsure of herself. She kept looking around as if she were expecting someone to catch her doing something she shouldn’t. Her name was familiar too. Lauren Phillips.
High school. That was it! She’d been one of the popular girls. The one who’d got all the boys. Now she needed Whitney to help her make a match.
“I believe we went to high school together,” Whitney said at their meeting.
Lauren studied her but there was no recognition in her eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember you. High school was a tough time for me. My parents were getting a divorce. I didn’t pay much attention to anyone but myself.”
“It’s okay. We can’t remember everyone.” Whitney meant it. Before Tanner she would have been resentful of Lauren but now she understood too clearly that no matter how someone might act on the outside, they could still have problems. “So how can I help you?”
“I am looking for companionship. Someone who enjoys the same things I do,” Lauren answered. “I want someone who’s looking to get serious and settle down. All the guys I meet are just interested in my looks. I want someone who sees past that.”
Whitney had had that with Tanner. What if she had waited longer? Maybe Tanner would have come around to loving her. He had certainly accepted her for who she was. Instead of giving him any real chance, she’d let her insecurities control her. How was she supposed to match other people when she couldn’t handle her own? Her self-doubt had left her with nothing.
How he must hate her.
* * *
Whitney pushed through the glass door of the community center for the first time in years. It would be tough to join the Happier You support group again but these were her people and here she would be accepted without question. It had taken her years to admit she needed support when she’d lost weight. She’d started managing her eating again but what she had really been looking for had been the emotional care. The help for what had been behind her overeating. The Happier You group had given her that.
She walked down the hall to the classroom. Inside she found the circle of chairs she expected and a few people already in them. She smiled in their direction and took a seat. Another couple of people entered before Margaret, the facilitator, showed up.
“Whitney Thomason, is that you?”
“It is.” Whitney stood and hugged the woman.
“So what brings you here tonight?”
“I guess just for a reminder of how far I’ve come,” Whitney said.
“So it’s like that?”
Whitney nodded.
* * *
An hour and a half later Whitney was feeling strong enough to face the world and Tanner as well. While others had been talking she had been formulating a plan. She would write Tanner a letter. Tell him that she was sorry for treating him the way she had.
She was on her way out of the room when Margaret called after her. Whitney turned.
“Hold on a minute. I want to ask you something.”
Whitney waited until Margaret finished speaking to the last person and came to her. “What’s up?”
“I was wondering if you would consider something,” Margaret said.
“What’s that?”
Margaret moved a chair back into place. “Taking over this group for me. I have a chance to start one over near my house but can’t leave this one high and dry. I think you would be great at it.”
Her lead a group? “Can I think about it? Get back to you?”
Whitney didn’t know if she could. She had always been in the background. “I’ll let you know something by next week.”
“Perfect.”
Whitney made it to the door before Margaret said, “You know, you’ve changed, Whitney. There is more confidence about you. And you look great. Whatever is causing it, keep doing it.”
That was because of Tanner. He’d made her feel supported, confident. Even though she’d pushed him away, he had left her that gift.
“Thanks, Margaret.”
At home that evening Whitney pulled out a piece of stationery. She was going to write that letter. After careful thought she decided that a text or email message was too impersonal. She had to show that she meant what she wrote, was making a true effort.
Dear Tanner...
She marked that out.
Tanner,
I want you to know that I’m sorry for the way I treated you. You did not deserve it. I should not have assumed the worst of you, your friends or colleagues. I should have accepted your support for what it was, just that.
Please know that in many ways you’ve helped me grow as a person, and for that I will always be grateful.
I wish you well always.
Whitney
She rubbed the moisture under her eyes as she reread the note. To the point with no emotion. Folding it perfectly, she slipped it into an envelope and addressed it to his hospital office. Not allowing herself to rethink it, she put it in the mailbox beside the front door for pickup the next day.
Now it was time to move on. The door with Tanner’s name on it was closed.
CHAPTER TEN
TANNER ONLY HAD a few minutes before he was due in surgery to read the mail his secretary had left in a stack on his desk. He picked up a letter that looked out of place. His chest tightened. Whitney’s handwriting. Why would she be writing to him? Tearing it open, he scanned the brief but sincere note.
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