Losing Her

by Mariah Dietz

  We all returned a year later for their wedding, marking the third time that my Grandma Miller cried.

  None of the Bosse girls paid much attention to me other than the occasional polite greeting they gave to everyone, but they didn’t need to. They had a double-digit line of guys that happily worked to pursue them. The summer before I started high school, I thought Kendall or Ace was trying to catch my attention, but was pretty certain they were just trying to get a reaction out of me, or wanted me to join the hordes of guys fawning over them. I wasn’t about to sign up for that shit.

  I saw Kendall the most since we had multiple classes together and occasionally crossed paths within our friend circles. When we got to high school, she and Jenny both seemed to have a full-fledged parade of girls behind them everywhere they went. I wanted to hate them, but I never did see or hear any of them being rude to anyone. It was like people were just innately drawn to them and their beauty.

  Jenny got pregnant my freshman year, which shocked the entire school and put a slight damper on her popularity. Kendall had instantly ditched her usual crowd of cajoling monkeys to be with her at every break and lunch. At home the two were usually connected as well. However, it was Ace that Kendall was inseparable from since the day we’d moved in.

  Over the years Ace seemed to grow into herself, becoming more confident, and smiling and conversing more freely. She caused the biggest stir of the Bosse girls; the day she started high school the entire locker room was abuzz as guys talked about her, placing bets on who would be the first to date her and successfully mark her. Javier reminded us all of the Bosse rule that prevented any of the girls from dating until they were sixteen. Many of the guys disregarded the warning, swearing they’d be able to manage the task. She was followed by swarms of them as they tried to get close to her. Each was filed away to the friend zone and heckled relentlessly by the others that were willing to wait.

  By the time she was sixteen, it didn’t take long before she was on the arm of multiple guys, never spending much time on any one before moving on to the next, providing me with another reason to avoid her. Guys that found out I was neighbors with the Bosses begged for me to invite them over, which quickly became one of my biggest pet peeves.

  One day, my junior year, I was passing the soccer field to reach the parking lot and heard someone call my name. I looked up to see who it was and watched Ace kick a goal in from centerfield. Baseball had always been my sport, but watching her and the focus on her face as she began dribbling a new ball the coach passed her was one of the hottest things I’d ever seen.

  Maddie Simmons waved to me a few feet to the left, and I watched as other girls got distracted as more guys from baseball streamed by, but Ace didn’t turn her attention from the ball as she continued down the field. In that single moment, she began stalking my thoughts and continued to do so for years.

  By that time I had my own admirers and I was happy to distract my wandering thoughts. I quickly learned there was a good number of girls that were just as anxious to have no-strings-attached relationships. I didn’t look down at them for it or consider them skanks. They wanted to experiment with their sexuality … with me. There wasn’t a lot to complain about.

  I went through a short line of them before my mom came home early one day and interrupted one of the sexual experiments we were conducting in my room. It was one of the most horribly awkward moments of my seventeen years. She kicked the girl out then sat me down and made me learn about every STD out there, showing me graphic images and talking to me about parenting and the responsibilities that it carried. It worked for a while. Then I started bringing girls home after a few months of remaining dateless and completely celibate. It was too easy with only having one parent that often worked long hours. But my mother’s words had become emblazoned on my mind, often stopping me from doing much more than making out and feeling them up, and occasionally earning a hand job in return.

  I knew most of the school thought I’d been laid by half of the female class—or classes—and although it was a far stretch, I never made any attempt to correct them. Apparently the girls that were rumored to have slept with me rarely made an attempt to correct the rumors either.

  David remained a friendly figure, always making a point of greeting me and talking to me as though he knew who I was and cared to. He continued to invite me over to see his Chevelle and would talk sports with me, not seeming to mind that I kept conversations short.

  “Max, you need to figure things out. I refuse to have you continue down this path of self-destruction. A pretty face will only get you so far. You’re not going to be able to charm or fight yourself out of every situation. You’re eighteen. People can press charges now. I can’t continue to promise the Mr. Mitchells of the world that this is going to stop. Talk to me. Talk to Hank. Hell, talk to anyone.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about, Mom. The guy had a big mouth and pissed me off.”

  “I don’t care if he pissed you off! I don’t care if he called you every bad name in the book. You don’t hit people! I feel like I’m talking to a three-year-old.” Her lips pursed in frustration, a sure sign that I’d successfully pissed her off, something I knew would bother me later when I wasn’t so fueled by my own anger. “You need to learn to settle your problems by walking away, not spouting off with your sarcastic crap or using your fists!”

  My muscles tensed, the small pool of guilt she had created had begun to get deeper with seeing and hearing her disapproval.

  I’d punched a guy that morning for writing “fag,” “cock sucker,” and “ass driller” all over Ben’s car with lip stick and shaving cream last week. The shaving cream was easy to get off, the lipstick on the other hand, was nearly impossible.

  The kid was in our class. He’d even spoken to me a few different times, trying to get on my good side, but I still couldn’t recall his name and didn’t want to after he pulled that crap. I would never have guessed his Dockers’ ass was the one that humiliated Ben. We probably never would have known. We still weren’t sure who outed Ben. There weren’t many that knew he was gay, not even his parents.

  But the kid couldn’t keep his damn mouth shut, heckling Ben as we pulled into the parking lot. Ben had already had a rough year. His parents were splitting up and his little sister had been diagnosed with cancer last year. Although she was in remission, that shit was more than any one person should have to deal with, especially at seventeen. Then he had his trust betrayed by one of his closest friends? I wasn’t about to let the fucker careen around spouting off a bunch of ignorant shit that he knew nothing about.

  As the word faggot poured from his shithole of a mouth, I punched him. The kid fell like a brick, but it wasn’t nearly satisfying enough for all of the crap he had caused, and worse, what he was still trying to inflict. Before I could continue my lesson, Mr. Mitchell arrived and hauled me off, threatening expulsion and having baseball disappear from my future.

  What he didn’t know was I had no desire to pursue baseball. I had loved everything about the game at one time—from the sound of the bat as it kissed the ball to the smell of leather from my glove to that feeling of watching the look of defeat on my opponents’ faces. However, once I got to high school, baseball lost a lot of its luster when I met coach Ballin. I thought making varsity as a freshman was the highlight of my life at fourteen. He quickly proved to me that it was one of the worst things that could have happened.

  Coach Ballin liked to remind me what a fuck up I was, telling me that he’d have left me behind too if he were my dad at every chance he got. His favorite practices consisted of setting out garbage cans and making us all run until everyone puked.

  He was a fucking dick.

  He’d thrown balls, bats, and a few chairs at me over the years, leading to me walking off of the damn field probably twenty times, only to have one of my teammates haul me back and tell me not to give him the satisfaction. I didn’t give a shit about his satisfaction, but I had a thing about quitting; I c
ouldn’t do it. I never could accept defeat.

  Mr. Mitchell, one of our three principles, sat me down in his office, berating me for fighting … again. We’d had this song and dance enough over the last four years. We both knew how it would end. There was no way in hell I was going to tell him what the fight was about. I never did.

  He leaned against his large, industrial-sized desk, and then righted, folding his thick arms over his growing stomach, and stared at me. He used to think I was a hoodlum. It shocked the hell out of him when he learned my mom was a surgeon. I don’t know why he tagged me as a hoodlum. I didn’t dress like a hoodlum, I didn’t talk like a hoodlum, hell, I didn’t even hang out with hoodlums, but after I was hauled into his office my second day of high school, I heard him mutter to the hall monitor that insisted on escorting me down that I was the hoodlum he’d heard about. It was one of the few fights I’d ever initiated, and my first fight with someone besides my brothers.

  We’d been living in California for nearly three years, and I had established a group of friends that I made playing baseball at the park near my house and on the little league team my mom had eagerly signed me up for. My buddy Ian and I were in the cafeteria, waiting to get food, when Lee Carroll, a kid that had gone to middle school with us, started telling his friend he was going to get Kendall Bosse to blow him. I didn’t have any feelings for Kendall other than a strange sense of responsibility stemming from the fact that she was my neighbor and David still made every effort to talk to me. I warned him to shut up. His response was to tell me that if I wanted a turn, I’d have to wait in line. Then he turned to ignore me and said maybe the youngest would join in too. It wasn’t jealousy I’d felt; it was disgust. Ace had been twelve and in seventh grade.

  I hit him.

  He came at me, muttering a slew of promises to beat my ass. He didn’t stand a chance.

  After that, there were several occasions where Lee or one of his friends would seek retribution. It wasn’t that I was a prodigy fighter, or even the strongest kid in my class, I just had a lot more practice in knowing how to deliver punches and more importantly, how to avoid receiving them. My brothers were to thank for those important lessons since we pretty much fought anytime there was a disagreement. The intensity of the fight told you if something was a big deal or not. If they took an easy shot, it meant they were just being a pain in the ass. If they scrapped and hit to break the skin, it usually meant it was important for one reason or another. Though sometimes with Billy it just meant he was tired of losing.

  He got his height from Mom’s family, so by fourteen I was already taller than him, and a whole hell of a lot faster. Hank had six years on me, and like me, was built like our dad—tall with a broad chest. We worked out a decent amount, but building muscle was easy for us. My friend Justin that started varsity as a freshman with me could throw a baseball like a slingshot—I’d never seen anyone with his kind of talent—but he was a bean pole, with muscles barely visible under his skin. He’d scarf donuts, pizza, and everything else he could get his hands on, trying to bulk up.

  After winning numerous fights with Lee and his friends, word had traveled through parties and baseball about me being a fighter, and soon people wanted to fight me for nothing more than the desire to see if they could beat me. It earned me some heckles from the guys and a few phone numbers from the girls.

  Later in my junior year, I got jumped by four guys from another school. We were at an away game and I had run inside to take a piss, completely oblivious of the group of assclowns that were following me until they were on top of me. One was on my back, another locked around my elbow like a dog in heat, and another had punched me in the stomach, successfully knocking the air out of me. I hadn’t realized that there’d been a fourth because a guy from the opposing team, who was actually classmates with the dicks, had punched him in the face and impressively broke his nose.

  He helped me get free from the others and then turned to me, his top lip busted open and his brow glistening with sweat, and said, “I thought you’d be tougher.” Then laughed.

  “Sorry to disappoint you,” I replied, smiling because I knew he was being a pain in the ass and he’d just put his neck on the line helping me when he could’ve just as easily walked the other way.

  “Try not to make a habit out of it,” he said, offering me his hand. “I take it you’re Miller.”

  “Max,” I said, gripping his hand.

  He nodded and his smile grew like I’d just passed some invisible test. “Wes, Wes McCleary. I hope you know I won’t be helping you out on the field. I intend to whip your ass today.”

  “That’ll make the victory taste sweeter.”

  He laughed again, this time louder. A couple of girls walking by called out to him and pulled his attention away long enough I could get my hand back. Coach was going to be pissed and wondering where in the hell I’d gone, so I quickly dismissed myself.

  That was one of the more bitter victories I’d experienced.

  The following weekend I was filling a red Solo cup when a hand clasped around my shoulder. I had turned with a raised eyebrow and found Wes, wearing a giant grin. Even though I hardly knew the guy, I could tell he was about to say something sarcastic.

  “Haven’t you learned not to turn your back on people?”

  I snickered and offered him the cup, which he accepted. That beer solidified our friendship. He was my best friend within weeks. Wes didn’t care about the girls I had dated, the fights that I’d been in, or what my batting average was; he was one of the first people, apart from David, that seemed to just want to know who I was.

  Wes always knew where the parties were, and I never had a problem going, even when I only knew him. Everyone knew Wes, and whether people just accepted me because I was with him, or actually knew who I was, made no difference to me. We hit up a party in the spring of our junior year, Wes had already gone upstairs with a redhead he’d been eyeing all night. I was sidled up to the keg, feeling a little bored. The party was pretty dull.

  “Hey, you’re in my English class, right?”

  I turned around to see a tall girl with hair that had been so brightly bleached it was nearly white. I took a swig of my beer, buying myself a moment to seek her motivation for lying, and watched as her eyes danced over my body with an excited gleam. She wanted me.

  “No, I’m pretty sure I’m not.”

  “I know, I just didn’t know what else to say to you!” She bounced on the balls of her feet like an anxious puppy as she talked.

  I had to give it to her. I liked the fact she was being honest, even if it made her look kind of stupid.

  “I’m Lacey.” I nodded and took another long drink, not sure why I was acting like a dick. Something just made me want her to work for it.

  “Do you go to Reynolds?”

  I shook my head.

  “Are you in college?”

  “You’d be jail bait if I was.”

  “Ah ha! So you do like me!” Her eyes lit up as she pointed an index finger to my chest. “Save the details. I don’t really care right now.” She grabbed my empty cup and set in on top of the keg, and then took my hand, pulling me toward the stairs. Maybe it was the beer, maybe it was because she was the first girl to be this bold with me in a while, or maybe it was because I’d been thinking a lot about my dad that day and wanted something to distract me, but I followed her.

  “Dude, everyone’s talking about you,” Wes yelled as I answered my phone on my way to class the following Monday.

  “What in the hell are you talking about? And who’s everyone?” I hadn’t been in a fight with anyone in weeks.

  “Everyone,” he emphasized again. “Lacey Caldwell, that girl you did at the party, she’s telling everyone you two are dating, and there are all kinds of crazy rumors spreading about the two of you and that fight that happened here. What in the hell did you two do?”

  I rubbed a hand over my head and down my face, pausing outside of class. “Is she psycho?”
r />   Wes laughed, obviously amused by my duress. “Describe psycho.”

  “Fuck! Why didn’t you warn me?”

  “I was a little busy. Redhead, remember? I have a weakness!”

  “Miller! Class. Now!” Mr. Forson, one of our hall monitors, barked.

  “I have to go. Do me a favor and play some offense for me. I don’t need this shit circulating to my mom.”

  “Dude, you’re a sex god. Enjoy it and stop complaining.” He hung up and I shoved my phone in my pocket as Mr. Forson glared at me with another one of his idle threats.

  An idle threat similar to the one Mr. Mitchell gave me as I sat in his office, waiting to hear my punishment for punching the kid that vandalized Ben’s car. His brows rose with his failing attempt to appear like a disappointed parent, causing his hair piece to inch back and become more prominent. I watched him, amused by his shirt stretching over his rounded stomach. The buttons looked about ready to take flight with the tension between each gap. They were probably exhausted from all of his bullshit too.

  I caught sight of a letterman’s jacket moving by the wall of windows that were nearly obscured by posters filled with motivational quotes and pictures of people climbing stairs and standing on the peaks of mountaintops. My eyes followed the person to see if it was Ben. I had hoped he’d just gone to class. I didn’t want him to get involved in this shit, but knowing him he’d make an attempt to save my ass. He, like Wes, was constantly going on about my level of potential.

  The letterman moved forward a few more steps, and I saw that it was Jewels. He had been gifted that nickname after he took a ground ball to the nuts during tryouts our freshman year.

  I heard his baritone voice call out through the hall but couldn’t make out his words. While Mr. Mitchell went on about my failures, even though I’d managed to get decent grades and even excelled in several of my classes. I watched as a blond head that I’d recognize in a room filled with a hundred other blondes approached him. Mitchell’s voice drowned out as I watched through the tiny cracks between the posters as Jewels lifted Ace up and spun with her.