Losing Her

by Mariah Dietz

  “Where’s Landon?” I asked, looking around, hoping he was doing alright. Kendall pointed over my shoulder and I turned and found him dancing with a brunette, looking comfortable and calm, much to my relief.

  “There’s a lot of people here,” Kendall yelled over the music. “You can stick around. She’ll be back.”

  My thoughts were on the crowd too, and the fact that the guys outnumbered the ladies pretty dramatically. It was like a giant sausage fest which left me feeling a little unsettled about you wandering around alone.

  “I’m going to check things out. I’ll be back.” Kendall gave me a knowing smile and waved.

  Before I made it to the doorway that separated the living room from the kitchen, I saw you. Of course you weren’t alone. You were with Pedro fucking Rodriguez. I know Pedro’s been sort of a sore spot in our relationship at different times. Most of that’s my fault, and my insecurities again. I never knew him all that well. We had played baseball together but he never hung out with us. I didn’t know until you told me that he spent most of his free time at home, helping his mom with his three younger siblings. It shouldn’t bother me that you know this about him, for all I know, everyone knows this about Pedro, but I still hated that you knew about it.

  The second you saw me, I could feel it so I moved to stand in front of him, forcing you both to stop.

  You stopped before Pedro, and the look on your face gutted me a little. Your lips were curved and slowly stretching higher though I could see that you were biting the inside of your cheek to stop it, and your brown eyes were wide with hope. Then I noticed you move slightly and caught sight of your hand wrapped in his and felt a little petulant. I wanted to blow past you guys and get the hell out of there, but in the act of looking at your hand, my eyes had gotten caught on your dress and I was already checking you out like a giant sleazeball.

  “Hey, Miller, long time no see. I heard you were up in Alaska. Are you back for the summer?” I noticed Pedro smile briefly, like he knew what I was thinking.

  I shook my head, realizing there was just going to be one joker after another in line to be with you. “No,” I replied. “I’m enrolled to start school in San Diego with Ace.” I kept my eyes on Pedro, feeling like he was challenging me.

  “We were just going to find the others, you want to come?” I couldn’t look at you. I knew that if you still had that same hopeful expression, I’d have caved.

  “No, I just came from there. I think I’m going to check out the rest of the excitement and get a drink.”

  Done with the scene, I stepped aside and noticed Pedro move forward, still holding your right hand. My hand moved, lightning quick, faster than I had time to process the movement, because otherwise, I would have stopped it. My knuckles grazed yours, and by that point I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. My finger followed the trail, linking with your pinky for the briefest of seconds before we parted.

  I tried not to watch you with him. I knew for my own sanity I should have gone outside, or back into the kitchen, but I couldn’t stop watching. Part of it was just the desire to see you, but a dark and pain-inducing side had me needing to watch you interact with other guys. You and Pedro danced together for an ungodly amount of time, and the longer I watched, the more I convinced myself that liking you was a terrible idea.

  After a while, I noticed you break away from the others and point toward the back door, and I thought to myself that something always had you needing to go outside. And I wondered if you were like Landon, and started to feel trapped when you were around too many people. Pedro was following close behind and I shook my head, and headed back to the kitchen.

  “Hey, where have you been, man?”

  I drained the rest of my beer and turned to look at Jameson. “Nowhere. I’m ready to go. I’m going to call a cab so you guys can have the Jeep.”

  Jameson’s brows furrowed and his chin lifted to see something over my shoulder. The cup he was holding dropped, splashing both of us with beer that I barely felt as I turned to see what had him so off kilter. It was you. You were struggling against that fucking asshole that to this day, makes my muscles heat with the desire to beat him to a pulp.

  I don’t even know what happened to my own cup. I didn’t register anything until someone pushed against my chest, slowing me down from getting to you. Several shoves and a few threats later, I broke free from the tangle of arms, my focus still on you. My steps increased as I got closer, and I heard Jameson assure me he’d get you.

  My fist connected with the side of the guy’s face as soon as Jameson pulled you a safe distance from the mess.

  The fight was instinctual. I wasn’t aiming to show those guys that I was stronger, or faster. I hit them where they were going to feel the most amount of pain without inflicting serious damage so that if they ever considered doing that shit again, they would know exactly what it would lead to.

  I was ensuring he understood the message when I felt a hand on my arm. It was smaller than the others, and the intent wasn’t to pull me away. You knew you couldn’t pull me back, so you just placed it against my arm, like you knew then the control you have over me. Your voice registered as quickly as your touch. I turned to look over my shoulder and the look on your face washed away the only intention I had just seconds before. You were staring at me like I was a monster.

  “Stop. Please stop.” My hands released from the hold I had on the guy as you moved back and effortlessly made your way through the crowd that parted like the Red Sea.

  “Ace!” I didn’t bother looking back to assess the damage we’d inflicted. As much as I felt the need to do so to ensure they paid for their sick attempts, I needed to get to you more.

  You didn’t slow down, streaming through bodies with the intention of leaving making me quicken my pace.

  Some random guy reached out, and began dancing with you, and I felt the anger rise in me again. The desire to punch him pooled in my fists until I saw his hands drop as I neared. He backed off without a second glance in your direction as he muttered an apology.

  We hit the front door and I led you to the side of the house, where I’d noticed a bench upon arriving. Thankfully, you didn’t argue as you sat down without looking at me and took a few deep breaths while looking up at the sky. Your hair was curled that night in large waves. I still remember the temptation to knot my fingers in it and how disappointed I felt when you erased that mental image by pulling it up and tying it to the top of your head, exposing your shoulders and neck to me instead. I quickly forgot all about your hair, because, babe, there are few things more beautiful than the curve of your neck and the angle of your jaw.

  “Ace, I know you’re pissed—”

  “I’m not pissed, Max! I’m freaking overwhelmed and a little freaked out at the moment!” You looked taken aback by your own admission, or maybe the volume at which it was delivered. Either way, your words relaxed me a little more than they should’ve just to know you didn’t hate me. “What in the hell was that? You went nuts! Are you okay?” Your eyes focused on mine and then travelled down to my abdomen. Your words served to create new wave of frustration. Kill him? Please tell me you were kidding, babe? I knew he’d feel it the next day, but I still think that guy and his friends should have been left out on a deserted island for what they tried.

  I swallowed my anger, because I knew you weren’t used to that shit like I was. “I’m fine. Ace, that guy was going to …” I stopped, noticing that your mouth had fallen open and your eyes had grown larger, finally registering my appearance. I was a mess, and it’s kind of a shame, I liked that shirt. But, it was covered with blood splatters. I quickly pulled it off, and used the side that was still mostly clean and warm from being against my skin to wipe my arms and face.

  “Ace, that guy and his friends were going to hurt you,” I wanted you to see the truth, the imminent threat that you’d been in so you could understand my reactions without freaking you out. “Fuck.” My mind was in a million places as I tried to best rou
te the conversation, still distracted with the thought that the assholes might come out, seeking revenge, and thinking about where I would tell you to run, and fearing that you wouldn’t. I think I knew then, you would never have left me.

  “You always want to think everyone is nice and good, and it’s great to be all Anne Frank about humanity, but you have to have a little bit of self-preservation and realize that there are some seriously fucked-up people. It took Jameson and me forever to get to you. Then when his friends jumped me and I realized it was a team operation, I knew shit could’ve gotten really bad. People attack in groups like that for fucked-up reasons.” The way your knuckles turned white and pronounced while wrapping around the seat of the bench, and your eyes became bright and unfocussed, told me you understood there was a threat but it was like you were trying to fight the realization. Why? Was it that you didn’t want to think someone would do that? Or because you still didn’t think they would?

  “You scared the shit out of me, Ace. I couldn’t figure out why you weren’t punching him! I know Caulder taught you girls that shit!” My anger began to flare again, recalling you struggling against the fucker, and I threw my shirt behind some bushes before I did something stupid, like rip it and really scare the shit out of you. Then you looked at me with those big determined eyes, the same look that I’d briefly seen before you somehow managed to sprint toward me in those damn heels you were wearing, and then turned your back to me like a shield. “And what in the hell were you thinking getting in the middle of things? Are you crazy?”

  “Max, you looked like you were going to kill that guy.” Your soft quiet whisper made me hate those guys even more.

  “Ace, I grew up with my brothers and me beating the shit out of each other. I knew he wasn’t going to die. If I’m lucky, I broke a couple of ribs and his fucking nose.”

  “We need to get out of here. If the cops come, they’ll arrest you.”

  My head shook as I glanced back toward the house with a slew of what ifs hitting me like a well planned a missile attack. “That’s the last thing I’m worried about right now.”

  “Well it’s pretty much at the top of my list, so let’s go. Kendall’s car is over there.” Your hand wrapped around mine, and I could feel it. Hell, I could see it. The vulnerability in your voice, the way you were watching me and then looking to the house every few minutes. The way your body was leaning into me, you weren’t afraid of me, or what I’d done. You were afraid for me. I knew it then. I knew how much you cared about me even if you weren’t ready to admit it to yourself just yet. The warmth of it stopped my anger like a steel wall. I was going to tell you then. Tell you all about Felicia, and to dump Eric’s ass, but flashing lights impeded the warmth I was feeling and reminded me I should have gotten you the hell away from there.

  “I have my Jeep.”

  Your hand tightened around mine in confirmation. “Where are you parked?”

  Your head turned enough that I caught a glimpse of your face as we slipped through the bushes, and I saw the concern for the others still inside, and I cursed myself for not handling things right and getting us all out of there.

  “Here, call Jameson. Tell him to get everyone out, and to take Pedro too.” We haven’t talked about this night much other than you later admitting to me how afraid you’d been, but, babe, you looked so in control as your eyes met mine and you nodded confidently, and slid into my Jeep. It took me by surprise. I stared at you for a second as you unlocked the screen and flipped down to his number, your hands that normally fidget when you’re nervous were steady, and your focus was sharp.

  I opened the driver’s side door in time to hear you say, “It’s me.” I started the engine and waited a beat to make sure the others didn’t need a ride.

  “We’re heading home now. Is everyone okay? Is Pedro with you?” The urge to brush a few strands of your hair that had fallen free of the elastic made my fingers twitch. “We’ll see you at home. Tell her everything’s fine and to calm down.” You let out a deep breath and my grip on the steering wheel tightened, fearing you were going to lose it.

  My eyes moved between you and the road, watching something new pass across your face, something that I instantly wanted to rid. I tried to wait, hoping you would come out and tell me whatever it was you were thinking, but your eyes never moved from the windshield. “Are you okay?”

  Seriously, Ace, I wasn’t familiar at all with the emotions you were stirring inside of me and when your head shook to confirm you weren’t, my heart raced so fucking fast I bet if you think back really hard, you might be able to recall my breathing becoming both quicker and louder.

  “I froze, Max. I completely froze.” You’ve never been a loud person, not like Mindi and Kendall. Even Savannah and Jenny are louder than you, but hearing your voice in such a quiet whisper made me wonder if you were facing the emotions you didn’t sound ready to share. “This summer has been such a confusing clusterfuck of emotions and events. I just hope that tonight was the pinnacle of this crazy summer, because that has got to be one of the top five worst parties I’ve ever been to. And that’s pretty impressive because last year Kendall entered the top five after she got so wasted she used my purse to empty her stomach.”

  I still picture Kendall blowing chunks into your purse when she gets all dressed up and starts parading around. I will probably never be able to fully rid the image or fact that she’s just as human as the rest of us. “But I knew how to fix it; I knew how to make it better. Tonight, I didn’t know what to do when he grabbed me.”

  “You felt sympathy.” I don’t know what you ever thought of my explanation, you never did respond. That should have been my first clue that you hate to face shit, or probably my tenth.

  “Why did you go to Alaska?” I guess your question surprised me, and I think you knew that because your eyes widened slightly and I could see your thoughts running faster than the miles we were travelling. In all of the times that we’d discussed things, Alaska, was never something we discussed much. Even then, my motivation to go seemed like a distant memory. “You don’t have to tell me, I just always wondered why you left.”

  “No, no, it’s just that people only ask me why I came back, like they forgot I had a reason to go.” I doubt you remember this detail of that night. There’s so much that happened, but a song I tied to you since you sat at my kitchen table and told me you’ve never been in love was quietly playing on the radio. Before I could focus to explain my dad to you, I reached forward to turn it up so I wouldn’t be distracted with straining to hear it.

  “I went to find my dad. I needed to know why he left.” We’d barely spoken about my dad and his role in my life, or lack thereof and I was still concerned about how you were feeling. The last thing I wanted was for you to feel sorry for me. “My grandma had heard that he and my uncle ended up in Alaska. When I got there I met this guy that told me this long story about my dad and how he used to be a fisherman with his brother for this company that went out for Chinook Salmon and King Crabs. So I went and tried to find the ship that they had worked for. My dad was long gone, but they offered me a job and the chance to go to more ports where he might still be working.” You smiled at me then, it was an encouraging smile, like you wanted to learn more about me. “That’s where I met Jameson. We spent seven months out on the ocean together. Few people remembered my dad. So when we docked I got off and enrolled at the University of Alaska and continued looking for people that might know something. Jameson and I met Landon there. He’d just gotten out of the Army and was going to school. Every once in a while someone would swear they knew who I was talking about and would tell me where to go, but they were all a bunch of loose ends. Who knows, he’s probably dead.” Don’t ask me why I ended with that when I was worried about you feeling sorry for me. Something about you has always made me say way more than I’ve ever intended. I wanted you to know me, Ace, I still do. I want you to know everything about me—even the bad, because when you look at me with that smile, my smi
le, I feel like even my ugly isn’t so bad.

  My fingers constricted around the wheel again with regret as I worked to explain why I assumed he was gone. “He was a heavy alcoholic that liked to gamble and use his fists to make his hard-headed points. He’s been gone a long time.”

  You were staring at me. I could feel it, but was afraid you were because you thought I was a terrible person. “I feel sorry for him.”

  Your words made my neck nearly snap as I turned to see if you were kidding. “What?”

  “I feel sorry for him, for missing out on seeing who you are.” I snickered, still unsure if you were pulling my leg. “I’m serious. You’re pretty great, Max.”

  That word set me off in a tailspin. Great? You thought I was great? A great what, friend? Person? Guy? Neighbor?

  You looked just as lost in thought, your eyes focused on my chest. I was sure you were thinking of the fight again because even in the dark, the streetlamps were revealing traces of blood I hadn’t managed to fully wipe off. “What are you thinking about over there, Ace?” If I knew you better, I would have known by the way your eyes flashed to mine and then away just as quickly and your hands clenched around the seat, that I’d caught you checking me out, and you were embarrassed. Maybe I would have then, but my damn phone started ringing and we both looked down to see ‘Megan’ across my screen. I can’t tell you how much I still loathe thinking of that moment.

  “You can get that if you want.” Every barrier we’d managed to knock down over the summer was back up.

  “That’s alright.” I hit ignore, hoping you would realize I had no interested in talking to her as we pulled into my driveway.

  I wasn’t that lucky. You were out of the car the second I placed the Jeep in park.

  I was frustrated. I was so frustrated, Ace. I was dealing with way too much shit. Between warring with myself to tell you how I felt, and seeing Eric earlier in the week, and Pedro that night, the fight, telling you about my dad, and having you react so cold so quickly from Megan’s call, I was just done. “Why are you still dating him?” The irritation I was feeling made my question sound like a demand.