Losing Her
Page 17
The shower turned on and I pushed off the lumpy hotel pillows and headed to the bathroom door to find you had locked it.
I laid in bed, waiting for you to come out, trying to fight the exhaustion of the day. I stayed awake for a long time, but my exhaustion won out and I fell asleep before you came back out.
The next morning we flew back to San Diego and arrived home with an awkward silence still hanging between us.
“Hey, do you want to go to the gym?” Jameson asked as I stepped through the front door carrying our bags.
I wasn’t in any mood to go to the gym and was about to decline when I looked over to see you still closed off, intentionally several feet back from me. I knew I needed to release some of the pent up frustration I still had before I could try talking through things, otherwise my words wouldn’t come out any better than they had the night before.
I told him that I’d change, and watched you slide in behind me without even glancing in my direction.
Kendall flew from the couch and nearly knocked you over in greeting, earning a small smile that she couldn’t see was forced. As you both sat on the couch, your smile grew. No one would’ve suspected that anything was bothering you and that you’d spent the morning ignoring me.
“So how was the trip?” Jameson asked as he pulled his car out, making a wide turn and earning a well-deserved middle finger from a driver that was forced to stop.
“Fine.”
“You seem … sort of …” I turned to look at him as his eyes appraised me. “You seem like things didn’t go so well …” he said slowly.
My head fell against the head rest with a sigh. “I don’t know what’s going through her head,” I admitted with a growl.
“Come again?”
“I don’t know what she’s fucking thinking!” I repeated, running a hand over my hair and then down my face. “She started telling me about this book last night that my aunt gave her, and she was talking about love, and how she doesn’t believe people can fall in love in a short period of time. I don’t know why, but I started telling her that sex doesn’t mean love, and that she’s too inexperienced to understand.”
“So you’re saying we should go back, because you need to talk to her.” He didn’t wait for an answer, pulling over to the shoulder of the road.
“I don’t know what to say to her!” The words exploded from me as I hit the dash with my fist.
“No need to take your frustrations out on Shelly,” Jameson said, stroking the dash above the steering wheel. “Dude, I don’t get it. You and Ace love each other. Neither one of you actually says the words, but you love each other. Really, it’s more important that people show their love than say it, because anyone can say they love you. Not many people can show you, but I understand you need confirmation. Why don’t you just tell her?”
I sighed, dropping my head back against the leather again because my thoughts weighed too much.
“Dude, don’t let your pride fuck things up,” Jameson said, sounding less like a friend and more like an agitated spectator as he turned the car around.
“I just need to know how she feels.”
“Then stop being an asshole, and ask her.”
When we pulled up to the house, I was relieved to see your car still parked beside my Jeep.
Jameson and I stopped in the living room where you still sat beside Kendall who was reading the book that caused all of this mayhem.
“What’s with this chick crying every time they have sex? That’s not normal! Is it?” Kendall asked looking at you with genuine interest. “Do you cry during sex? I don’t.”
“Can we not be that open with all of that, babe?” Jameson shifted, his chin dropping as he stared at Kendall.
“Wouldn’t you rather hear what I have to say, as opposed to doing it behind closed doors? Because it’s going to happen, one way or the other.” I smirked at Kendall’s honesty.
“You don’t just start a conversation like that about sex!” Jameson cried.
“Like you guys don’t talk about sex, please!” She’s right. The week before, I threatened to break Jameson’s nose if he wouldn’t shut up about a blow job Kendall gave him. Probably not something you ever wanted to hear either, huh?
“Yeah, isn’t sex just sex? Something we just do because it’s our primal instinct? We are animals.” I don’t know what brought the salt to that injury, your words, your indifferent tone, or the fact that your eyes only stopped on me for a second.
I noticed Jameson wince, and Kendall stare at you in confusion. It was obvious she had no idea you were pissed with me.
“And with that, I think you’re done reading this book.” Jameson grabbed the book from Kendall’s chest and tossed it across the room. Your eyes follow it to where it landed in the kitchen with a thud. “Something tells me they need to talk.” He took Kendall’s hand and pulled her up.
“Here’s some good advice, don’t repeat whatever it was you said before,” Kendall instructed before they both disappeared down the hall into Jameson’s room.
Without looking at me, you got up and headed to the stairs, reminding me that my time was running out.
“How long are you going to freeze me out?” I asked, skipping multiple stairs to be behind you.
“I’m not freezing you out.”
“The hell you’re not! You’re pissed at me for what I said, and you’re trying to make me pay for it!”
“Pay for it? You think I’m trying to make you pay for it?” Your eyes swung to me. Usually I noticed your lips when you spoke to me, as I’ve said, you have the greatest lips. But your eyes were round with accusation and anger making me focus solely on them.
“People have casual sex all the time! I’ve had plenty of it; sex isn’t always about emotions and deep-seated promises, tying two people together. It’s naive to think that!”
Hurt resonated in your eyes as they narrowed, and the skin between them wrinkled. Then you wiped it clear and grabbed your backpack. That’s when I realized it was your indifferent tone downstairs that had hurt. You were acting so nonchalant and detached, it pissed me off even more.
“You always want to run away when shit gets real!” I accused, holding onto the doorframe to prevent a clear path to the hallway. “You have to stop running!”
“What am I supposed to do, Max?” Your bag dropped on your arm, and for a second, I thought you were going to stay even though your eyes were still hard.
“Fight. Tell me that’s not what it means. Tell me how you feel!” The words came out angrier than I intended; in my head they were a plea.
“Are you kidding? You want to completely demean me and our relationship, and now you want me to profess my feelings for you?” Your hand tightened around the strap of your bag again, and your eyes became slits.
I waited to see something else besides anger to help me calm down so my hurt didn’t lead the conversation.
You wanted me to say something, I just didn’t realize how much until you lifted your bag and yelled, “Move!”
“What is running away going to accomplish?”
“What is being here going to accomplish? All I want to do right now is get away from you! I’m disgusted with you!”
Your words hurt. I’m sure you had been disgusted with me before this moment, like when the whole Felicia kiss in the garage happened, but at that time your happiness wasn’t my responsibility, even though I had wanted it to be. But last November, it was, and I felt like a complete failure and unfortunately masked my pain with anger once again. “You’re disgusted with me for having casual sex?”
“I’m disgusted with you for pretending to care!”
“That’s bullshit and you know it!” I yelled.
“I thought I knew that, but right now …” your head hung as it shook, “… I don’t know what I know, other than I need to get out of here.”
Without giving me a chance to say anything, you pushed past me and disappeared down the steps.
I grabbed my keys
and watched your car turn north rather than south in the direction of your apartment. I hopped in my Jeep and followed, allowing a short gap between us. You never looked up at your rearview mirror to see if I was following, not even once. I stayed close to you so no one could merge between us, traffic was busy and I didn’t want to lose you. After following you for ten minutes, I realized you didn’t know I was behind you. You weren’t looking up to see if I was there because you didn’t expect me to be. It made me wonder how long you had been running from people? And how had they never followed you?
You turned into a small, familiar parking lot that was desolate like always while I stayed several feet back, working to wrap my head around a new list of thoughts that were popping up. For so long, I thought you were looking for your perfect Ken doll as you bounced from one guy to the next in high school, standing beside them with a smile that I only realized a few months prior wasn’t anything close to genuine. It was nothing like the smile I got to see, the smile that I put there. Had you just been waiting for someone to finally catch you?
I looped around and parked beside you, extracting a flashlight from my glove compartment. When I made it down to the sand I saw you in the distance. You had already made it a decent way down the beach, your face turned toward the ocean.
“How could no one follow you?” I whispered to myself and set off after you.
I considered calling out to you several times as I tailed you, fearing what thoughts were going through your mind. We never discussed what you were thinking as you walked, but I’m sure it was of my negative traits. I wanted to be fair to you and allow those thoughts to process, you deserved to weigh my bad with my good.
You finally stopped, and stared out at the ocean with your back to the world for a few long moments before I interrupted you.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you again.”
You girls obviously didn’t get the same satisfaction from scaring the shit out of one another, because all of you Bosse girls were ridiculously easy to startle. Your head whipped around and your body jerked at the sound of my voice.
I tried to hide my smile, but I know you saw it. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to startle you.” Thankfully, you didn’t move when I took a step closer to you.
“Why are you here, Max?” Only your head moved but as you looked back to the ocean, I could see the faint traces of emotions that were still absent from your voice.
Why was I there? Where else would I have been, babe? I shoved that admission aside and tried to explain where my mood swings derived from.
“All weekend I kept hearing how great we are together. How it will be our wedding that everyone’s gathered at next.” I still didn’t know if you were relieved or annoyed that I was there, so I forced myself to allow a small gap between us.
“I’m not giving you any ultimatums or pressuring you into anything!” You turned to look at me thankfully, because your voice was defensive, but your eyes revealed other emotions. Emotions I understood and was familiar with.
You handled this well so I think you understood what I was thinking even though my words felt so far out of reach. “I know,” I began, turning my gaze to the surf and then to you, contemplating if I should just say those three words that are so much bigger than anyone gives them credit for. You have no idea how afraid I was of you, and what your thoughts were of me at that time. I took a deep breath, and shook my head once. “I’d almost prefer you did! I never know what in the hell is going through that damn head of yours! I don’t know what you’re thinking or how you feel! You’ve dated so many guys, and yet you were a virgin! And you weren’t reluctant to sleep with me at all, even when you thought …”
Your chin tilted and your eyebrows scrunched in confusion. I was sure you heard my words and how much they contradicted so many things because I’d learned how to read you fairly well, so well that you’d made multiple comments about the fact. There were times when I felt like I knew you so completely, so entirely that I could watch your face and know exactly what you were thinking. Yet, when it came to me, I felt lost. I stared back at you, silently demanding to know your feelings for me, willing you to tell me that I was enough.
“You think I’m using you for casual sex?” Your words were quiet, and your gaze unfocussed, revealing you were thinking aloud rather than forming your words carefully like normal.
“Max, I’ve had a crush on you since the day you moved in next door.” My heart felt like those damn jumping beans you get as a kid. You rolled your eyes in an exaggerated fashion, one that still I receive often from your sister, and it made me feel almost nauseous. Then your eyes became distant again and I watched thoughts race through your mind. Slowly, your eyes focused on me, and there was a familiar warmth, hiding behind a thin curtain of frustration. “Max, I love you.”
The words reverberated through my head like an echo as I pulled you close and kissed you. A relief washed over me that was so strong, I felt nearly weak. It didn’t take but a second before I felt you relax under me, your lips matching my same need. Your hands snaked around my waist, securing yourself to me though I had you pressed so tight against me, there was no need to do so.
“I love you,” I whispered, kissing you softly once more before pulling back so I could see your face. I ran my thumb along your jaw line, watching your lips. A loose strand of your hair blew across your face, and I gently tucked it behind your ear, studying your entire face so I could watch my words. “I love you so much.” Your eyes filled with an adoration that I not only saw, I felt it.
People say you fall in love. That the fall can be fast or slow, sometimes easy and other times painful; but I never fell. I never even had the choice. I didn’t even get to think about it, or decide, I just was. I was in love with you.
“Dude, why don’t we rent a storage locker, or drive some of this to your mom’s house and store it,” Landon suggests as I haul another full garbage bag down the stairs.
I turn to show him my thoughts with a frown. Every time I get rid of something, he seems to have a suggestion for me.
“Never mind,” he says, shaking his head as he walks away.
I can feel that things have somehow changed between us, and it’s led to me avoiding him. Hell, I’ve been avoiding everyone.
I had signed a new lease last spring after getting accepted to medical school nearby so I could stay close to Ace, now I vehemently regret that I had. I hate this house. I hate the memories that resonate in nearly every room. I hate the fact that Kendall’s now living with us even more.
I dump the sack in the bed of my truck and try to ignore the ache in my chest that’s clawing to get out of the compartment I’ve somehow managed to shove it into. This is it. Once this is gone, it will be like she was never here. I absently pound my fist against the tailgate and turn to go back into the house when a hot pink blur catches my eye.
“Hi! I’m Cassidy. I live right across the street.” My eyes stop on a woman with jet black hair, and exotic almond shaped eyes. She twists slightly, pointing to the house that I know she lives in; it’s the same one Kendall still sneers at. “Are you moving?”
I shake my head once and watch as a palpable relief washes over her, alerting me to her inviting smile and tiny sundress.
“You’re Max, right?”
I can do this. I know this. I smile and nod as I extend my hand to her, earning a giggle, as she slinks her small hand into mine. It’s cold and limp, reminding me of a dead fish.
“It’s nice to meet you, Cassidy. I’m just getting rid of some old things, that’s all.”
She giggles again in response, and I slowly release her hand.
“Would you mind coming to look at something for me? Our fridge has been making this god-awful sound, and I’m worried about it.”
“Sure.” I know nothing about refrigerators, but I’m fairly confident she doesn’t give a shit about her fridge, or would even know if it was making a god-awful noise.
I go. I need to further erase her.
As I reach the bottom of the stairs, a girl comes in the front door looking startled to find me, and then her mouth drops in a frown.
“I thought you guys were better than that.” Her words surprise me.
“Better than what?”
“Your girlfriend seemed really nice. I didn’t know her, but I had a class with her. She was smart. She was classy. She wasn’t an easy lay. That said something about you. It made you crazy hot to be a guy that didn’t just shop around for ass.”
“You have no idea who I am, sweetheart.”
“And now I have no desire to.”
I’ve heard a lot worse comments in my life, but this one serves as a vicious reminder of who I was before her. It doesn’t matter what Kendall said, I was better because of her, without her, I’m not that person. It’s not a choice. I just am not.
The following week, my phone wakes me up. It’s three in the afternoon. How in the hell has life turned into taking afternoon naps? I roll over to grab it and feel every muscle in my body tense when I see the screen and read: Ace Home. The small light is reignited as I sit up and swipe to accept the call.
“Hello?”
“Sorry, Max. It’s just me … Muriel.”
My shoulders slump. Was I that obvious? I stay silent, waiting for her to continue.
“I was actually calling to see if you would be interested in something …” My forehead scrunches as I try to anticipate what she’s going to ask. “I need to find a new home for Zeus. I know that, well, I understand your separation from all of us. However, I know you were really close to him, and I wanted to check with you first.”