You Can't Have My Planet

by James Mihaley

  “It sounds like the kind of stuff she’d have on her iPod,” I said.

  We went back into the living room to check on Big Daddy. He rolled around the floor, writhing in pain.

  Nikki sobbed. “I killed Big Daddy.”

  The android weakly took hold of Nikki’s hand. “Big Daddy isn’t dead yet, Nikki.”

  “Isn’t there anything you can do, Tula?” Bobby asked.

  Tula knelt down over the fallen droid. “He has been short circuited. Only a Destructivarius could penetrate the firewall that protects each android’s software. I do not have the technical expertise for this kind of repair. But I know someone who does.”

  “Dr. Sprinkles,” I said.

  “That’s right, Giles. I need to go talk to her.”

  “Hurry back,” I said before she vanished.

  All we could do was wait. I spent an endless hour in command and control. All four screens showed the same dreadful thing. Androids slumped on park benches, crouched on curbs, paralyzed, short circuited, waiting for us to rescue them.

  I moved restlessly up and down the hallway.

  “Giles, have you seen the cloudfish?” Toshi asked from the living room.

  “No,” I replied. “Ask Nikki. They love her. She’ll know where they are.”

  Nikki said she hadn’t seen them in a while.

  “How can thousands of cloudfish suddenly vanish?” Toshi said.

  Our entire team was falling apart. I raced around the apartment, throwing open closets, peering under beds, searching for cloudfish. I didn’t find a single one but I did catch a glimpse of Tula in my parents’ bedroom, speaking in a hushed tone to Bobby when she was supposed to be with Dr. Sprinkles.

  The door was open a crack. I crept over and eavesdropped.

  “Giles never should’ve let Nikki play that violin,” Tula said. “All he does is make mistakes.”

  I almost fainted like Big Daddy. She blamed me for the Destructivarius. It wasn’t my fault, was it? Then again, maybe it was. When your name is Giles, you pretty much take the blame for everything.

  Tula went on slamming me. “He should’ve been able to spot Jerry’s disguise. You would’ve, Bobby. You’re so amazing.”

  “We need to stay calm and figure out a new course of action,” Bobby said.

  “I know you’ll come up with a solution,” Tula said. She stared at him for a minute or two. Just the look in her eye, she told him she had a crush on him. She didn’t actually say it but my imagination heard it loud and clear. I heard her heart talking. It kept blabbing and blabbing. I felt like screaming, “Your heart has a really big mouth, Tula. I sure wish it would shut up.”

  Then she reached over and kissed him. My brother was making out with my girlfriend.

  I crept away before I threw up.

  In the kitchen Toshi saw me sulking and slapped me on the back. “Dude, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. My girlfriend is in my mom and dad’s room making out with Bobby. No big deal. I’ll be fine.”

  “That really sucks,” said the parking meter.

  I should’ve guessed. Tula had a crush on Bobby. Just like every other girl on this planet.

  Big Daddy was curled up on the kitchen floor. “Sorry, Giles,” he mumbled.

  Why did I ever get my hopes up? How could I expect a pretty lawyer to go out with a big chocolate eyeball?

  “I’m glad I’m too young to like boys,” Nikki said. “Liking boys is like liking trouble.”

  Bobby sauntered into the kitchen. Before he could open the fridge, I attacked. I caught him off guard, punched him in the nose, knocked him to the ground, wrapped my hands around his throat and squeezed and squeezed while Nikki and Toshi tried to pull me off.

  “YOU STOLE MY GIRLFRIEND! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

  “Giles, she kissed me!” Bobby said choked out.

  “Giles, STOP,” Nikki screamed.

  They pulled me off. Blood gurgled from his nose. King Goodie-Goodie was bleeding. I was so happy I can’t put it into words.

  “I’m officially removing you from this quest,” I told him.

  “Fine,” he said, pressing a wet napkin to his nose.

  “I wish the Kundabons would come get you,” I said. “If there are any Kundabons out there, please take my brother. You can’t have my planet, but take my brother, please.” I waved my arms maniacally in the air, pointing at the traitor. “Look, he escaped from Desoleen. He escaped. Are you going to let him get away with that?”

  There was an eerie silence, broken by a distant howl. Suddenly a Kundabon dropped from the ceiling. Nikki shrieked. It all happened in a horrible instant. The monster grabbed Bobby, stuffed him in its hairy cage and slammed the door shut.

  “I was just kidding,” I cried. “I didn’t mean it.” I grabbed one of its albino wings and tried to tear it off. “Let him go!!”

  With a flick of its wing, the Kundabon sent me hurtling across the room. Toshi tried the same thing and got pile-driven into the floor. Stanley fired a barrage of quarters. The monster just gave a ghoulish chuckle.

  I leaped to my feet and threw myself at the cage, trying to pry open the hairy door while my brother rose helplessly toward the ceiling, trapped behind those bony bars, gripping them with both hands and shaking them in vain, until finally, they were gone.

  “He went right through the ceiling,” Toshi said in amazement. “Look. They didn’t even make a hole.”

  He was right. The ceiling looked perfectly normal, as if nothing had happened.

  “Maybe it didn’t happen,” Nikki said. “Maybe we’re all dreaming.”

  “We all can’t have the same dream, Nikki,” I said.

  Tula sauntered into the room.

  I gritted my teeth. “It’s all your fault.”

  She smirked.

  “He wasn’t allowed to take Bobby. Was he, Tula?” Toshi asked. “We haven’t failed the test yet.”

  “Giles accused Bobby of escaping from Desoleen,” Tula said. “Do you honestly think a Kundabon would let that slide?”

  “But we haven’t failed the test,” Toshi repeated.

  “Tula, you cheated on me,” I said. “I hate your guts.”

  “Don’t be such a sore loser, Giles,” she said.

  “Hey, Tula,” Toshi said. “whose side are you on?”

  She had a nasty cut on her shoulder. She tried to cover it with her hand but it was too big to conceal, a giant gash, growing and spreading from her shoulder all the way down to her forearm, the whole time getting wider and wider. The bizarre thing was, no blood spurted out. If I had a cut half that size, I’d be sprawled out in the ER.

  A tiny green dagger emerged from the incision. The pirate tattoo poked his head out. He crawled out with a guilty look on his face.

  Petulance glared at him. “You idiot, you ruined my disguise. Why did I ever get a pirate tattoo? I should’ve gotten a three-headed dragon. It would’ve been smart enough not to blow my cover.” She peeled off her Tula disguise and patted her pirate forgivingly on the head. “He doesn’t like to be covered up. He finds it very insulting.”

  The pirate nodded in agreement and took a swig of rum.

  She gazed with bright eyes at the blood on my hand. “See, Giles. You are on my team after all.”

  I grabbed a frying pan off the stove and threw it at her. Just as it was about to collide with her head, she turned to ash and blew out the window.

  Her snotty voice rang out from the shadows. “I’m going to spray paint graffiti on the Sistine Chapel.”

  I couldn’t believe it. I got tricked by another lame disguise. She didn’t have her briefcase. Tula never went anywhere without her briefcase. How could I have overlooked that?

  “Now what do we do?” asked Toshi.

  “I’m going after the Kundabon,” I said.

  “I’m coming with you,” Toshi said.

  “I hate to bring this up, guys,” said Stanley. “But the fate of humankind is at stake here. I say you get focused on the quest.�
��

  “And leave Bobby in a cage? No way,” I said.

  I had summoned the Kundabon. Now I had to rescue Bobby. It might’ve been easier to do if the real Tula was by my side but I was too ashamed to contact her. How could I ever think she would cheat on me? She was the most honest girl in the galaxy.

  “If you don’t clean up New York, you’ll all end up on Desoleen,” the parking meter reminded us.

  “Like I could forget that,” I said.

  “I want my brother back,” Nikki pleaded.

  “Don’t worry, Nikki, I’ll bring him back,” I said.

  I shrank down. So did Toshi. We hopped in our flyplanes and flew off into battle.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  I SOARED OVER CENTRAL PARK, hating myself. If anyone belonged in a cage it was me. I veered right at the Bethesda Fountain, heading toward the East River. I had no idea where I was going, no idea where to look.

  Giles, the Kundabon is not allowed to remove Bobby from the island of Manhattan.

  That’s good news, DubDub.

  Your species has not failed the test yet.

  No thanks to me, DubDub.

  The monster has to wait until midnight. As hideous as they may seem, Kundabons do obey the law.

  You know what law I obey, DubDub? Always act like an idiot. That is the golden rule of Giles.

  Toshi broke in over my intercom. “Hey Giles. I think Superfly located the Kundabon.”

  I met up with him on Lexington Avenue.

  “He’s in that building over there,” Toshi said. “In apartment Five-B.”

  We darted through an open window. I landed on a coffee table while Toshi set down on the DVD player. A man and a woman sat on the couch. The Kundabon was nowhere to be seen.

  DubDub opened a compartment below his gas gauge. A pair of goggles popped out.

  Put these KGs on, Giles.

  What are KGs, DubDub?

  Kundabon goggles. They will enable you to see the Kundabon even when it has made itself invisible to rest of your species.

  I put them on.

  There was the Kundabon, hanging from a light fixture in the center of the room. Bobby also dangled from the ceiling, in the hairy cage, screaming at the man and woman.

  Why can’t they hear him, DubDub?

  The Kundabon has the power to make its cage undetectable to all the senses.

  I couldn’t hear my brother either.

  “What’s our plan, Giles?” Toshi asked over the intercom.

  Before I could answer him, the lady on the couch tried to crush me with a fly swatter.

  “Thanks a lot, lady,” I felt like saying. “I’m trying to save the planet and you nail me with a fly swatter. Now that’s what I call gratitude.”

  The guy went after me with a rolled up newspaper. “Die, sucker,” he growled.

  For a moment I realized how tough it was to be a fly. I had nothing against flies in general. Flies just do what they have to do. They bother people and cling to poop. No one asked the flies, “Do you want to cling to poop?” They never had a choice. They didn’t say, “Oh yeah, sure. Give us that job.”

  The lady put down the swatter and turned to the guy. “It just doesn’t make sense. Why would you want a divorce?”

  “I want a new life for myself,” he said.

  She sobbed hysterically. I almost wished I’d let her swat me.

  It’s not a coincidence that the Kundabon entered this room, Giles.

  Why’s that, DubDub?

  Kundabons are drawn to misery.

  The woman bawled her head off. “But I still love you,” she said.

  The Kundabon eyed her falling tears ravenously. Licking its lips, the creature unrolled a grotesque white tongue all the way down to her cheek and lapped up a tear.

  The woman cringed in disgust and confusion. “Something just licked me.”

  “You’re hallucinating,” said the man, staring blankly at the television.

  “We have to get rid of these people before we launch our attack,” I told Toshi. “Otherwise they could get hurt.”

  I commanded DubDub to pick up the leather recliner and make it hover in midair.

  “THIS APARTMENT IS HAUNTED!” I bellowed over the loudspeaker. “LEAVE RIGHT NOW! YOU’RE REALLY ANNOYING ME!”

  They ran out, screaming.

  Now it was just me, Toshi and the Kundabon.

  “OK, Toshi,” I said. “Let’s do it.”

  The Kundabon wasn’t even paying any attention to us. With his cage full, he seemed bloated, like a python that just swallowed a rabbit. He burped, a sleepy grin crawling across his foul face. You would’ve thought he just won the lottery.

  I couldn’t wait to see the look on the monster’s face after I shrunk Bobby down and whisked him away. My big brother was about to become the first rabbit ever stolen from a python’s belly.

  Rabbits would love me. I was about to become a legend in the rabbit community. If I ever grew lettuce, they’d leave it alone.

  DubDub furtively entered the cage. We flew into the cave of Bobby’s right ear. I whispered, “Bobby, it’s me. I’m in your ear in the flyplane. Act normal. I don’t want the Kundabon knowing I’m here. I’m going to shrink you down then we’ll get out of here.”

  We glided out of his ear and settled on his shoulder.

  I commanded my S/U to shrink Bobby down.

  Nothing happened. I tried again. And again. And again.

  Bobby didn’t shrink.

  Hey, DubDub, why isn’t my S/U working? It’s brand-new.

  A Kundabon’s cage is a universe unto its own, Giles. It emits an ultraviolet radiation that is blocking the S/Us signal.

  Why did I even ask? Nothing works inside a Kundabon’s cage. Nothing except your panic button. And let me tell you something. Mine was working real good.

  As if that wasn’t bad enough, DubDub accidentally brushed up against one of the stiff white hairs protruding from the bony bars, tripping some kind of sensor. These whiskers, and there were thousands of them, began billowing back and forth, as if they were coming to life.

  We flew back into Bobby’s ear. “Bobby,” I whispered, “the S/U won’t work on you as long as you’re inside the cage. So I’m going to blast open the door. You hop out. Then I’ll shrink you down and we’ll leave this dump.”

  When we flew out of the cage, one of the whiskers tried to lasso us but DubDub dodged it.

  Toshi and I lined up side by side and upside down on the ceiling, ten feet away from the Kundabon.

  “Take off his head, Toshi,” I said. “Then I’ll blast the door.”

  “Got it,” Toshi replied.

  “On three. One, two, three…”

  Toshi fired his laser. The monster’s head split in half to dodge the beam and glued itself back together.

  I had to admit. It was rather impressive.

  The monster laughed at us and escaped through the ceiling.

  That didn’t go too well, DubDub.

  Giles, we need the cloudfish. Cloudfish can be extremely pesky to a Kundabon.

  I contacted Nikki back at command and control. She was running things now that Bobby was temporarily out of the picture.

  “Nikki, send in the cloudfish.”

  “I still can’t find them, Giles.”

  “Toshi,” I said, “see if you can track down the cloudfish. I’m going after the Kundabon.”

  “Got it, dude,” Toshi said.

  Nikki sent me some disturbing video footage from an alien news channel. A two-headed reporter was interviewing some purple aliens who came from the same planet as Princess Petulance.

  “Are you excited about moving to Earth?” the reporter asked.

  “We can’t wait,” said a purple guy, who was sticking his head out of an alien U-Haul star cruiser.

  “It’s a new beginning for us,” his wife said in the passenger’s seat.

  “Well, it won’t be long now,” said the reporter. “It’s almost midnight.”

  The c
ouple smiled for the camera. They were part of a convoy of thousands of U-Haul star cruisers and gargantuan flying moving vans. One van had ACME MOVING COMPANY painted on the side. Another van had STARVING STUDENT MARTIAN MOVERS. They were all waiting in a parking lot behind the moon.

  The news coverage switched to Desoleen, where a different alien reporter was standing on the concrete wasteland, holding a microphone. “The humans will be arriving tomorrow morning. We will be here to interview them as part of our continuing coverage of the eviction process.”

  I turned off my video monitor. I couldn’t stand to see anymore.

  Why didn’t Bobby ever tell me about that alien news channel? He must’ve watched it from command and control. Maybe he didn’t want to freak me out. He was protecting me. My big brother was protecting me. How did I pay him back? By putting him in a hairy cage.

  I caught up with the Kundabon high above Times Square, its awful albino face illuminated by the glow of countless neon signs. Sensing my presence, it flapped its wings, diving down through the roof of a Broadway theater. Because Bobby was a captive inside the cage, he too was able to pass unharmed right through buildings, while I had to fly through an air vent in order to enter the theater.

  How come you can’t go through walls, DubDub?

  I don’t know, Giles. Some of the newer flyplane models have that feature. If you want, you can trade me in for a newer model.

  I’d never trade you in, DubDub.

  Thank you, Giles.

  The theater was packed with people applauding a musical called Creepy Creatures. The Kundabon landed in the middle of the stage alongside a singing werewolf. People gasped and pointed. The Kundabon took a bow. The werewolf didn’t appreciate this at all.

  They can see the Kundabon, DubDub. Even without KGs. Why did it reveal itself to them?

  Because he is a ham, Giles. He loves attention.

  But they’ll call the police. They’ll bring in the air force and the marines. The Kundabon doesn’t want to deal with all that, does he?

  The audience doesn’t think he’s real, Giles. Look. They think he’s part of the show. The Kundabon knows this. They’re highly intelligent creatures.

  The curtain came down for intermission. I flew backstage. Half a dozen jealous actors surrounded the Kundabon.

  The vampire was heartbroken. “He’s got a better costume than me.”