My Dear Sophy

by Kimberly Truesdale

  And so the meal passed, with Captain Croft and Mr. O'Brian sharing stories and catching up with each other on the past week. It seemed that it had been a calm one, though the captain did raise an eyebrow at O'Brian's offhanded mention of a slight scuffle that had taken place in the town between their midshipman Fitzgerald and a sailor from another ship. Sophy sensed more of a story there, but the men didn't pursue it further.

  After they had eaten their fill, the captain and O'Brian started them on a tour of the ship. Since they were already belowdecks, the men showed their guests the officer's quarters and the midshipman's berths. Sophy could not believe how many men slept in one small area. Then they went to the kitchen – which Sophy learned was called the galley – and thanked Cook Foster for the lovely meal..

  As they made their way through the ship, Sophy continued to observe Captain Croft with his men. They all seemed happy to welcome him back. He shared jokes with them and asked them about personal matters. Though Sophy had lost track of where they were in the ship or how many people they had been introduced to, he remembered everything. He addressed all the men by name, a feat Sophy would have had a hard time accomplishing. What's more, he knew the business of every man on ship. Prudent, Sophy thought. He is the captain. But no less impressive for that fact. Captain Croft seemed to have a genuine affection for these men.

  After they had been to the very bowels of the hold at the bottom of the ship – the boys had insisted on being shown every possible inch, fearing never to have an opportunity like this again – the group finally made its way back to the sunshine and fresh air of the main deck. They all blinked quickly to adjust to the sudden shift from the gloom of belowdecks. It was as yet only early afternoon with the sun still high in the sky. The group of guests emerged at the opposite end of the ship as they had entered before lunch.

  Now near the front of the ship, Sophy looked up into a vast canopy of ropes, wooden beams, and bundles of gray canvas. How could anyone remember what all of these things did? They threatened at any moment to become a helpless tangle. One slip and an entire sail might come crashing down. And who would be brave enough to climb to the dizzying heights, for up close the masts towered higher then anything she'd ever seen. The top of the mast disappeared into the afternoon sun. What would it be to climb to that height? She shuddered slightly at the thought. Absolutely terrifying. And to do that in a storm? What a life to have as a normal, everyday routine! Sophy's respect for the profession of sailing was growing each moment.

  Captain Croft swiftly vetoed Freddy's idea for a trip up the rigging and ushered them further back toward the middle of the ship. When they reached what the captain called the mainmast in the center of the deck, the group met some of the sailors who were carefully testing one of the sails for weak spots. They pulled and pushed on the fabric to see how it stretched and to make sure it would not rip. With a seamstress's trained eye, Sophy could see that this piece of canvas had been patched many times over.

  The captain introduced them all to the sailors, who invited the boys to put their hand into the work. Sophy laughed to herself to think that at home neither Edward nor Freddy would ever be seen with a needle and thread for patchwork. Yet here on the ship, the work suddenly became acceptable. It became “real men's work.”

  While everyone else was occupied with the sails, Sophy struck out on her own. She strolled further along the deck, closer to where they had boarded the ship. She stopped when she reached the large wheels. There were two of them, connected by what looked like the axle of a carriage. Both wheels had spokes sticking out. One of the spokes of a wheel had a loop of rope around it that held it steady.

  Sophy was intrigued by the relative simplicity of it all. A whole ship turned by one hand. A ship held in place at the moment by a length of rope. Sophy reached out her hand to touch the smooth wood. And she thought of the many hands before hers that had touched this same spot. How long had this ship existed? As long as she herself had been alive? Longer? And how many places had it traveled? What adventures had it seen? What could this wheel tell her about life in distant places?

  Though she knew she had fallen into a sentimental mood, Sophy allowed herself to stay there for a moment. No one was around who would prompt her to be practical. No one to say that she could dream all she wanted, but life and adventures like this would never be hers. She was at the wheel of this vessel and she imagined its life was her own. Sophy could almost feel what it had felt, experienced the trials and adventures this ship had experienced. It might seem strange to imagine, but she really felt that the Pleasant had its own soul, its own personality and life that could be spoken of as memories. Like her own life. Though what memories the ship must have!

  Sophy caressed the wheel unconsciously, wanting to feel in harmony with it. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Around her she heard the sounds of the sailors. She heard the water as it lapped against the ship. She felt the soft sway as she rocked, a sway that had already, in the hour they had passed on board, become a comforting background movement. It was practically unnoticeable until she closed her eyes and concentrated. And Sophy smelled the salt air carried on the breeze. That smell would be in her hair and her clothes, even as she traveled back to Milverton.

  She took another lungful of it and opened her eyes. The Pleasant was facing out of the harbor and so, beyond the canopy of ropes and the group of sailors, all she could see was the horizon. The sun was still high and, again, Sophy had the feeling of seeing a mirage as the water sparkled and shimmered along the line of the horizon. She could almost imagine being alone with the Pleasant with all of the world's oceans in front of her.

  Sophy closed her eyes again, eager to hold the picture in her imagination. She used all her senses to imprint it on her mind. In private moments she would return here, would again smell the air and feel the sun and the shift of the deck below her, would again feel the smooth wood of the wheel and see the shimmering water before her. And most of all, she would conjure this feeling of freedom, a moment of forgetting that she would soon return to a life without these sensations and without the promise of adventure.

  Oh, she knew her life was a good one in all ways. But this moment, this scene brought something to her soul. For a moment she would imagine as many fanciful things as she wanted. The sea in front of her and the moving ship beneath her feet made her feel a longing for a life wider than her own, a life she would never have. And a life she had never truly thought before this moment she might ever have.

  And so Sophy saved it all in her memory, as one of those special moments when life's possibilities stretched out before her for her choosing.

  “Is everything all right, Miss Wentworth?” The question came quietly from a voice beside her. She knew the voice even before she opened her eyes. When she did, slowly and deliberately forcing her eyelids open, there he was. The picture she had imprinted forever on her memory was now populated with the form of a man she had in the past week come to admire, with his ready laugh, easy conversation, and enthralling smile.

  And now here he was again. Captain Croft had noticed her and come to make sure she was all right.

  “Thank you, I am well.”

  The captain smiled back at her. She had been powerless in front of that smile for a full week. When she had first seen him, he had smiled. And now her heart stopped under the full force of his attention. It made her feel vulnerable and loved at the same time. It made her feel sympathy with this man and believe that he felt some sympathy with her. She remembered that touch in the carriage.

  “I am well,” Sophy repeated. “I am imprinting this moment on my mind so I might keep it forever.” The idea seemed silly and too personal once she had spoken it aloud.

  “I do that, too. Saving a moment in my memory so I can return to it whenever I desire.” He stepped forward and ran his hand over the wheel. “That spot where you are, here at the wheel, has been the sight of many such memories. Looking out over the ship, with practically the whole world in front
of me. It can be quite amazing.”

  “Yes, I was only now imagining that very thing. And thinking how many adventures the Pleasant has seen. You know, I have begun to think of her almost as a person, with a whole life she could tell us about. I would ask her so many questions.”

  “She can be a temperamental mistress, but she has been very good to me. To all of us.” The captain looked fondly over the deck. “I am only one captain in her story. She has seen many before me and, perhaps, she will see many after me. I cannot be too sure when she will tire of me.” He smiled wistfully and patted the wheel, as if comforting an old friend. “Still, we try to keep each other happy. I cannot ask for much more than that.” He looked so fondly at this stationary piece of the ship.

  Captain Croft did not stay in his wistful mood for longer than a moment. He soon turned his eyes back to Sophy and pronounced, “Would you care to have a turn at the wheel, madam?”

  “But would the captain allow such behavior?” Her own shadow of melancholy disappeared in the sunshine of his smile and teasing humor.

  “I know the old goat personally and believe he might be persuaded.”

  “Well, then, by all means!” Sophy stepped away from the wheel as the captain leaned down to remove the rope that had been holding the wheel in place. He motioned for her to step forward.

  “Stand here between the wheels and put one hand on each of them in about the same place.” Sophy did as she was bid, her hands sliding easily over the sun-warmed wood. Captain Croft was on her left, smiling at her.

  “Good. Now try to push the wheel down toward the deck.”

  Sophy again did as she was bid. When the wheel moved only a few inches, she laughed and said, “I cannot move it any further! I am weaker than I thought. All the sailors in books handle it so easily and freely!”

  “I am afraid that most of your novelists have never been on an actual ship. They are sadly ignorant of the fact that the wheel is attached to large, unseen machinery belowdecks. You are pulling a massive piece of wood back and forth through the water.”

  Sophy found this information fascinating. She had imagined ships before, but the reality was turning out to be so much different. “I had never thought of everything that was hidden from view. But, of course, it must be there.”

  “Only not quite as romantic as spinning a wheel without any sweat at all.” The captain grinned and continued his animated description of how the wheel worked. He seemed so excited to explain. “Actually, the wheel pulls a series of ropes back and forth that then pull the rudder one way or the other. There is quite a large pulley system directly under us with a big arm that holds the ropes.” Sophy entered fully into his enthusiasm. It was not hard to do when he had such an engaging way of including her in it. Again she thought of how easy it was to be in his company.

  And just as she had this thought, Captain Croft stepped directly behind her and placed his hands over hers on the wheel. It was an innocent gesture on his part, but it shook Sophy to her core. Heat shot through her body as she became intensely aware of him standing behind her, almost touching. She unconsciously stood up straighter and breathed in quickly. This had the embarrassing effect of raising her bosom at the same time that she leaned a little back into him.

  Sophy felt the captain grow tense when he seemed to realize what he had done. His hands gripped tighter on hers, as if he needed that to steady himself. Sophy heard him catch his breath. Then she felt him slowly exhale and the rush of his warm breath spilled over her neck. The intimacy of it was nearly unbearable. And yet, she wished he would do it again. Quite without meaning to, Sophy stretched her neck away from him, hoping that he would touch her there. All sense of where she was had flown away on the breeze that now blew softly over her neck, tickling at the spot she wanted him to touch. But he remained frozen.

  She could feel the tension and the heat radiating from his body as she turned her head to look at him over her shoulder. Her eyelids felt heavy with her desire to kiss him. The descriptions she had read in her books held no comparison to the thrills that kept running through her body at his nearness. This had not even happened with Mr. Hollingson, she thought lazily. Every part of her needed to be touched. Sophy looked over her shoulder and into Captain Croft's eyes where she thought she saw her own feelings echoed.

  As they continued to gaze at each other, Sophy felt his fingers, still over hers on the wheel, begin lightly to caress hers. It was maddeningly soft and yet still too much sensation to handle. Sophy's gaze shifted to the captain's lips. Her own lips parted and her heart beat fast. She tilted her head further and looked back into his eyes. He was also breathing heavily, his chest close enough that each time it expanded, she felt his touch on her back. He moved an inch closer. His lips parted. She wanted him. All she needed was for him to lean a few inches more. That was all she could think of at the moment.

  But he would not move. They both seemed frozen in place, though the heat of desire threatened to melt them. Sophy saw a look of pain cross his face, the same one she had seen that day by the pond.

  She fell apart inside, embarrassed of herself.

  He did not want her. She had made a mistake. She had made a fool of herself with this man. He had seemed to understand her so intimately, and now she had gone too far. Sophy looked away, a fierce blush rising up her neck and to her cheeks. She should pull away. And yet she was still in his arms. And the desire she felt hadn't left. He didn't want her that way and yet he hadn't let her go. Sophy couldn't look at him. How foolish she was. Over a man she might never see again. Frustrated tears rose to her eyes.

  “Sophy – I...” he whispered, a hitch in his voice. He was too good. He was trying to spare her feelings.

  She still wouldn't look at him. “Yes,” was all she said, cutting off whatever he had been about to utter. She wasn't sure why that was the word. He hadn't asked her a question. And yet, “yes” seemed to answer something for her. It validated what she felt, the feelings that had passed between them. No matter what he felt about her, Sophy's whole being had said “yes” to him and the feelings he had brought to her. She would accept that she had fallen in love with him. And then she would deal with the consequences of it. She would store this memory in her heart, brand it on her mind like the mirage on the horizon. Whether it would be for good or for evil, she would have to discover.

  That “yes” held something else, a spirit of defiance, as if Sophy were challenging Captain Croft to deny her feelings. It gave her courage to look at him again. And she was glad she did. Now she saw a kind of sadness and tenderness in his face. Not pain. He seemed to realize that he'd hurt her. And his look said he was sorry for it, even before he could utter the words.

  “Sophy,” he still spoke in a whisper. “Sophy, I am sorry...” She gave him a sad half-smile.

  “I know.”

  There was nothing more they could safely say to each other. Sophy remembered the Old Mill, when he had pulled away and set them safely back in the territory of friends. This time she would take the action. “Now...” Sophy took a deep breath and blinked the tears from her eyes. “Now, shall you help me move these unseen pulleys that direct this big ship?”

  “You have already moved them more than you might imagine.” His voice came out in a whisper. It gave the words a significance she hadn't anticipated. But Sophy pushed that out of her mind. He had made his decision, as she had made hers.

  “But still, I would like to say I have moved them more than a few inches! Together we may move them farther. I have a desire to feel some power under my fingertips this afternoon.” Sophy managed as bright a smile as she could.

  The captain laughed and the tension of unsaid words and unshared feelings broke. They could laugh together again. It went a small part of the way toward healing her heart.

  “Oh, Sophy --” Captain Croft sighed, amusement in his voice. “On the count of three, then...” And together they pushed the wheel and felt the ship move underneath them.

  Chapter XVIII

/>   The sun was setting over Watchet harbor, but Connie didn't notice. Nor did he hear his first lieutenant approach. And so he was startled when the man spoke.

  “Miss Wentworth is a charming woman.” It was plainly stated.

  “What the devil, O'Brian?” Connie growled at him.

  “Now, now, such language, Croft!” There was amusement in his voice.

  “Do not sneak up on me like that. And how the devil did you know I was thinking of Miss Wentworth? Have you started reading minds?”

  “If I have, it would not be difficult at all to tell where your mind is. You have been standing there scowling at the shoreline for hours.” O'Brian was always damnably logical.

  “I could be mourning my parents.”

  “Hmm.” The noise conveyed his incredulity.

  “Don't 'hmm' me, O'Brian, I am in no mood for it.”

  “Precisely,” he paused, which further irritated Connie.

  “Well, man, out with it!”

  “I have known you for how many years now?”

  “I don't know. Ten or so?”

  “More or less,” O'Brian agreed. “And I have never seen you like this after a leavetaking with your parents. And,” he held up his hand before Connie could interrupt, “I am highly skeptical that you are so distraught over leaving two boys.”

  “I am not distraught,” Connie said firmly. He convinced neither himself nor his companion.

  “Hmm.”