“Hmm. You know your dad and I were agnostics, but now I’m thinking there might be something to this God thing. I realize that there seems to be a higher power working to help me heal lately. I told you I’ve been going through some boxes of pictures in the basement. I have to say, when I’m down there sorting and organizing them, I don’t even think about drinking. Yesterday, I had a bottle of water instead of a cocktail. I don’t know if it’s just healing from time passing, or something else. I just know that when I think of Richard’s death, the pain isn’t as debilitating as it was. Maybe that’s just the healing process, but maybe there really is a God.”
“I’m glad to hear that, Mom. I’ve missed you.” Dana knew that there was much more to be said, but, for now, that would have to do. The loss of her father was a significant burden for a seventeen-year-old, but when she’d lost her mother too, she’d shut down emotionally to cope. She’d just entered her senior year of high school when a drunk driver had wiped away the future of her father’s influence. She’d watched her mother crumble under the unbearable weight of grief, and there seemed to be nothing Dana could do to help her. She’d shoved her own grief aside to deal with life and to keep the grooming school going. Her mother hadn’t even attended Dana’s high school graduation ceremonies. The time would come when they would talk, but she’d lived through several of her mother’s attempts at sobriety and Dana was done with that disappointment. She’d just wait and see.
They finished their lunch and headed to Poppy’s in companionable silence. Dana was lost in memories as they pulled into Poppy’s driveway, but she grinned at her mother’s enthusiasm.
“Wow. You were right. This is a nice piece of property.”
Dana watched her mother gaze around the expanse of the tree-filled yard. The explosion of fall colors added to the beauty of the landscape.
“I’ll bet he has a lovely view of the river beyond those overgrown yews.”
“Yeah. It was getting dark when I was here before. I didn’t even notice how close the river is. Since I only got his voice mail when I called, I hope he’s home.” Before she could push the button on the bell, the beautifully finished wooden door swung open.
“Dana and Lucy! Come in, please. It’s so good to see you both.” Poppy stepped aside to usher them into his spacious antique filled living room. “I just got home and was listening to your voice message when I heard you pull in the driveway. I’m so glad you stopped by.” Dana accepted his bear hug and watched with amusement at his hesitation with her mother. He reached for her mother’s hand and, with an act of chivalry she’d only read about, kissed it before gently releasing his hold. “Lucy. It’s been too long. How are you?”
Dana couldn’t remember a time when she’d seen her mother blush, but the slight pink that rose on her cheeks was definitely attractive.
“I’m doing all right. Today is a good day. Thank you, Poppy.”
“Good. I’m glad you’re having a good day. Please, will you stay for coffee? I have some homemade blueberry muffins one of the members of my congregation sent home with me. I’d love to share them.”
Dana looked at her mom for the confirmation she knew was coming.
“We’d love to stay and visit a bit, and blueberry is my favorite.”
They settled at the kitchen table and Poppy poured coffee and set a plate of muffins on the table. They laughed and talked about dog shows, traveling, and family. Some of the memories hurt, but there was healing along with the hurt, and remembered love. Dana kept glancing at her mother, pleased to see her relaxed and smiling.
“You have some nice antiques.” Her mother got up from the kitchen table to wander through the living room.
Poppy rose from the table to stand next to her. The sadness that flashed over his handsome face quickly fled as he turned his attention to her mother.
“Ely and I used to drive up to Bay City once a month to search for bargains. Would you two like a little tour of the house? I do a bit of furniture refinishing as a hobby, so there are pieces I’ve restored throughout the place.”
“Oh yes, please. I’d like to see them,” her mother replied quickly, then glanced at Dana.
“I’d like to see them too,” Dana said. “That wooden front door of yours is gorgeous. Did you refinish it?”
“Thanks. I finished it and hung it myself. Not an easy job, actually.” Poppy ran his hand over the finely finished surface. “Come on. I’ll show you the upstairs.”
*
“You okay, Mom?” Dana couldn’t tell if her mother was just tired from her day out or if something was wrong. She’d been quietly staring out the window for nearly the whole ride home.
“I’m fine, dear. I was just thinking about your dad again. He and I loved to go antiquing. Remember when we came home with that hideous chest that ended up in your bedroom? He loved that thing. I think it reminded him of some trunk he had as a kid.” Lucy sighed. “This has been a wonderful day. Thanks again for taking me. Poppy is nicer than I remember him. Of course, I only really saw him at dog shows or a few times that your dad and I went to dinner with him and Ely. I know Richard had a lot of respect for him.” Lucy’s voice trailed off and Dana could tell she was fighting her drowsiness.
“Why don’t you lean your seat back and snooze till we get home? It’ll be another twenty minutes or so.”
“Maybe I will. I’m not used to spending the whole day out, but it was a lovely day.” The next time Dana looked over at her mother, her eyes were closed and a peaceful smile drifted across her delicate features. Still, she didn’t dare allow herself the belief that she had her mother back. Not yet.
The trip home went quickly with Dana’s thoughts bouncing between her mother and Maria. If her mother remained sober, what would that mean for her? Except for a few sporadic months, she’d been on her own emotionally and financially since she was eighteen. She wasn’t sure she’d know how to relate to her consistently sober mother. Her attraction to Maria was understandable. She was gorgeous. But she was a religious straight woman, so she was bewildered by the pull Maria had on her. She thought of her gentle touch the day she’d innocently brushed a piece of hair off her face. Her nipples tightened, and an ache took up residence in her heart. An ache she feared only Maria could assuage.
Dana gently rested her hand on her sleeping mother’s shoulder. She looked so peaceful, Dana hated to wake her.
“We’re home, Mom.”
“Oh. That didn’t take long. I really conked out. I’m sorry I wasn’t much company on the ride. It’s not even very late.” She glanced at the digital clock readout on the dash. “It feels like it should be about midnight.”
Dana laughed. “Yeah. I know what you mean. We’ve been gone all day though. I’m glad we decided to stop and eat dinner out. I sure wouldn’t want to cook now. Get some rest tonight.”
“You too, honey. Thank you again for today.”
Dana swore she heard her mother mumble something about a really nice man as she stepped out of the vehicle.
“Hey, kids,” Dana said, tossing her car keys on the kitchen counter and grabbing a Labatt from her refrigerator. “I had Mom back for a day. We’ll see how long it lasts, but it made me even more aware of how much I miss her. Yeah, yeah, shut up and feed you.” She sipped her beer and watched the little fish mouths suck up the flakes that she sprinkled on top of the water. Maybe she’d call Julie this week and see if she wanted to go to a show or something. Spending the day with her mother was great, but she was her mother, and hoping for anything with Maria was pointless. The bar was just becoming too scary with the Leanne situation. She threw her empty bottle in the recycle bin and headed to her bedroom.
She plopped onto her bed fully clothed and shoved away the sense of optimism threatening to break through her defenses. She knew better than to believe her mother would sober up on her own. The only hope she allowed herself was one that maybe the nice day they’d spent together would influence her to try.
Thoughts of Maria drifted i
nto her semi-dozing state. She’d looked good this morning. Sexy. She’d been intently concentrating on some papers on the table, and Dana wondered what it would be like to be the focus of such intensity. She needed another haircut. Maybe she’d go back to her previous beautician, instead of putting herself back under hands she wanted to give her more than a haircut, but she needed to let Maria know about Leanne.
Chapter Eleven
“I don’t understand, Dad. My pastor told me that we were responsible for bringing our friends to Christ, but he wants me to force her to come to church. You always taught that we should lead by example. If anyone comes to Christ, it will be of their own free will. I can’t fathom why Pastor Mike wouldn’t allow Dana back in his church unless she renounces who she is, when he’s also trying to force me to get her to come. I’m confused.” Maria slumped on the small couch in her father’s church office. “Is it okay if I take Frankie out of his carrier so he can sit in my lap?”
She’d driven four hours to reach her parents’ home in Ohio and had stopped by her father’s church first in hopes of catching him there. She needed to relieve the heaviness in her chest that had plagued her for two weeks.
“Of course. Frankie’s always welcome.” Her father sat next to her on the couch and stretched his arm on the back behind her. “I’m so glad you came home to talk about this, Maria. Your mom and I love you very much and we’ve missed you. I’ll do my best to guide you, but your friend needs to find her own way. I believe you will be an excellent example of God’s path, but I don’t believe it’s your responsibility to try to make her change to fit anyone’s idea of what God’s plan is. I truly believe that it isn’t up to us to judge who is righteous in God’s eyes. God knows our hearts and our intentions before we do. If your friend is as honest, loving, and gentle of spirit as you believe, God will see it. Whom she loves isn’t as important as the fact that she’s capable of love.”
“I’ve been attending a six week bible study, and the pastor pointed out several instances that he said shows that homosexuality is a sin. ‘An abomination in the eyes of God’ is what he called it. You’ve never preached about it or indicated an opinion. At least that I remember,” Maria said and tipped her head to focus on her dad.
“There have been many debates regarding why the love between same sex couples is different from the love between opposite sex couples. It almost always comes back to someone’s interpretation of the Old Testament.”
His heavy sigh indicated the enormity of the dilemma for him. “In my opinion, and this is based on my own studies and quite a few fellow pastors, there is nothing in the New Testament to suggest God considers any love an ‘abomination.’ I don’t know if we’ll have any agreement on the topic in our lifetime, but if your friend is earnest, she’ll find her way. God accepts the genuine of heart.”
Maria stroked Frankie’s head as she contemplated her father’s words.
“I have a friend who’s in the church choir with me. It appears she’s having an affair. Someone saw her with a man that, by the description, wasn’t her husband. That sure doesn’t sound too genuine of heart. Yet she considers my friend the ungodly one.”
“Unfortunately, most of us live by our own rules and self-serving interests. If your choir friend is being unfaithful to her husband, you can be sure God knows about it. It’s not for us to judge. Come on. Let’s go get some dinner. I know your mom is anxious to see you.”
She followed her father to her family home and parked in front of the modest bungalow. The tire swing her father had put up for her as a kid still hung from the oak tree in the fenced in side yard. The tree was at least twice the height it’d been then. She thought of Justin swinging and twirling on the aging rubber ring when they’d come to visit. He loved pushing himself higher than she was comfortable. Other than what looked like a newly shingled roof, the house matched the picture she kept on her wall of her ten-year-old self standing on the front porch. Peter had never wanted to make the drive to visit her parents, and she wondered if Dana would feel comfortable here. Where that thought came from she didn’t know.
Maria hugged her mother tightly and helped with dinner preparations. She told her about her divorce settlement and promised to take her for a ride in her new car. She hadn’t felt so relaxed and at peace for a long time.
“That dinner was wonderful.” Maria stood to take her plate into the kitchen.
“Thank you, honey. You just sit down. You’ve had a long drive. I’ll make us a cup of tea and we’ll visit in the living room.”
“Thanks, Mom, but I can certainly help you carry plates to the sink. Moving feels good after four hours in the car.”
Maria spent nine days relaxing in her parents’ house, and praying at her dad’s church. Her father was right. If Dana wanted salvation, it was up to her to seek it. Maria had shown her the way to church and had offered her a path. Now it was up to God to lead her. But did Dana have to change who she was? Maria didn’t have that answer, but she trusted that God did, and she certainly didn’t have the right to claim that Dana needed to. Her father had said he didn’t think so either. Dana had told her that she’d attended a church in Port Huron. Maybe she’d choose that path to God. Probably there were as many paths to God as there were souls looking for one. Maria’s was only her own.
She realized that she’d been allowing her husbands to dictate her path, and her direction was becoming increasingly unclear. She wanted a church like her father’s. A church where anyone was welcome. She wanted a church in which she could sing and feel close to God. She wasn’t sure what she would do when she returned home, but what was clear was that the church teaching she had followed based on her husband’s beliefs wasn’t hers. She was going to search for her own route to God.
*
Maria set Frankie’s carrier on the floor of the back room of her shop, tossed her car keys and mail onto the crate serving as her nightstand, and opened the carrier door. “Come on, little guy. We’re home.” She watched as he doggie stretched his long body and waddled to his bed. “You need to go potty again?” Then Maria said the word she knew he understood well. “Outside?”
She believed she could actually see the indecision in his eyes. “Poor thing. I’m tired too. I think plopping into bed sounds like an excellent idea, but I have to check my voice mail messages first.”
Maria had planned to come home a day earlier, but she couldn’t resist her mother’s plea to spend one more day with her. She had turned her phone off for the last three days of her visit while she spent most of her day in prayer and meditation. The two Sundays she attended her father’s church, he’d asked her to lead the choir. He had three women and four men who sang regularly, and she found she enjoyed directing them and leading them in song. She never felt her faith more strongly than when she was singing. Her dad even allowed her to choose the hymns for the services. Her sigh was a tired one as she turned on her phone. Three message alerts lit up the readout. “Wow, Frankie, Angie finally called me back. Twice.” She glanced at the little dog curled up on his bed sound asleep and dialed her voice mail. Angie wanted to meet for lunch and to talk. She looked forward to hearing what she had to say for herself, but her disappointment puzzled her when the third call was from Dr. Jay asking if she wanted to attend an Oktoberfest celebration with her in town next week. She wished it was Dana who’d called instead, but there really was no reason for her to call. Was that why she wished she had? Not for any reason, but simply because she wanted to?
She put a cup of water in her microwave and pulled out her box of chamomile tea. The tiredness from the drive had morphed into unrest, and she needed to unwind before trying to sleep. Her time with her parents had helped her focus, but she was unsettled as to how she would proceed. Until this point, other than her shop and her son, her life had always revolved around one of her husbands. Their friends were hers, their churches were hers, and their lives defined hers. Her clients were the only ones who knew her away from her spouses, but even they knew her as
Mrs. So-and-so. Maybe it was time for her to form new friendships and opinions based on who she was as an adult woman. By the end of her second cup of tea, she’d come to the decision that she’d accept Dr. Jay’s invitation. She could use a new friend, even if she was a lesbian. Maria felt better able to accept her offer of friendship after her discussion with her father and her time away. So why did it feel different with Dana than Dr. Jay? She’d spend some time socializing with Dr. Jay. Maybe she could figure it out after that. She quickly fell into an exhausted sleep and had to coax herself out of bed in the morning.
Even though she loved her work, the day dragged. When her last client of the day sat under a dryer reading People magazine, she allowed herself to relax. She hadn’t slept well despite the tea before bed. Dana’s smile and calming presence crept into her dreams each time she began to drift off to sleep. What had kept her awake, however, were the unsettling new physical feelings. She couldn’t quite figure out what they were, but they weren’t unpleasant. She finished her last client and remembered her unopened mail. She quickly looked through the stack she’d tossed onto her nightstand and pulled out a plain white envelope with no return address. Her name and address on the front looked like handwriting done by a child. Odd. She opened the envelope and pulled out a piece of paper that could have been torn out of a spiral binder. Written across the width of it, in bold black letters was, ‘SHE’S MINE!’ Maria turned the paper over and found nothing else written anywhere on it. Weird. She put the creepy message down, unsure what to do with it. She yawned and decided she’d deal with it later. She took Frankie outside and made a mental note to call Dana to let her know she was home before leaving to meet Angie. Exhausted, she realized she’d forgotten to do so by the time she got to the restaurant, and promised herself she’d remember later.
Edge of Awareness Page 9