The Mueller Report
Page 14
Trump is already facing so many problems here in his second of a planned seven terms. Jeff Bezos, now worth $6 trillion and living on the moon, threatens to leak the identity of yet another Trump lovechild; and Stormy Daniels, who was awarded the vice presidency in a landmark Supreme Court decision handed down by Chief Justice Dale Earnhardt Jr., had her emails hacked by America’s nemeses Canada, France, and the Sovereign California Republic of Facebook.
“I’m too compromised,” Attorney General Kid Rock says. “And I know we repealed every constitutional amendment except the Second. But if I don’t do the right thing, am I really any better than those CNN anchors we exiled to Alaska?”
Trump sighs. “Does this mean I have to let Mueller and Comey out of Guantanamo?” he asks.
But he already knows the answer. Another MUELLER REPORT is on its way.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
My gratitude goes out to everyone, including the Haters and the Losers who made this book a reality.
In particular, thank you to Jofie Ferrari-Adler, my brilliant editor, whose expert suggestions and editorial wisdom ensured that this book would not be a Total Mess; Daniel Greenberg, my agent, for taking a chance on a Very Dishonest and Highly Unemployed writer; the generous David Litt, for setting this whole thing up; and my old friend Jonathan Weed, who read some truly wretched pages and offered typically wise recommendations.
Thank you to my mom and dad for thirty-two years of uninterrupted love and support. And thank you to my wife, Chandler, whose optimism, encouragement, laughter, and breakfast tacos keep me going.
Finally, I would like to thank you, dear reader, and to leave you with a final request: Please vote in any and all upcoming elections. Thank you.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
© CHANDLER HOLBROOK
JASON O. GILBERT is a Very Dishonest and Highly Unemployed comedy writer whose work has been published in the New Yorker, the New York Times, McSweeney’s, GQ, Esquire, and many other Failing publications. He has also written comedy for HBO’s Vice News Tonight and the game show HQ Trivia. He lives in Brooklyn with his wife. Sad!
MEET THE AUTHORS, WATCH VIDEOS AND MORE AT
SimonandSchuster.com
Authors.SimonandSchuster.com/Jason-O-Gilbert
@simonbooks
We hope you enjoyed reading this Simon & Schuster ebook.
* * *
Get a FREE ebook when you join our mailing list. Plus, get updates on new releases, deals, recommended reads, and more from Simon & Schuster. Click below to sign up and see terms and conditions.
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP
Already a subscriber? Provide your email again so we can register this ebook and send you more of what you like to read. You will continue to receive exclusive offers in your inbox.
INDEX
A note about the index: The pages referenced in this index refer to the page numbers in the print edition. Clicking on a page number will take you to the ebook location that corresponds to the beginning of that page in the print edition. For a comprehensive list of locations of any word or phrase, use your reading system’s search function.
Acosta, Crazy Jim, 28–29, 59, 92
ALF, 2,
ANYA!, 2
AshleyMadison.com, 77, 79, 119
Backchannels, 62, 79, 81–82, 119, 154
Bannon, Steve, 9–10, 30, 40, 94, 113–15, 141
Blump, Prednisent, 28
Bornstein, Dr. Harold, 68, 120
Bounty Hunter, Dog the (being vetted for Surgeon General), 18
Broadway Revitalization Project, 77
California Raisins, 2
Can You Believe This Guy Won 46% of the Vote?, i–xiv, 1–210
Carson, Ben, 40, 41–42
Clinton, Crooked Hillary, 19, 26, 51, 108–10, 119–20, 123, 126–28, 139–40, 148, 163, 165
Cohen, Michael, 11–12, 13, 90–91, 131, 132—33, 136–38, 141, 156,
COLLUSION!, 3, 13–14, 15, 44, 88, 91–92, 145–50, 160
Comey, Dishonest James, 1, 3, 4–7, 9–10, 13–29, 34–35, 36, 37–40, 41, 44, 45, 46–47, 48–53, 54, 55–57, 58, 59, 92, 149–50
Comic Sans, 15
Complaint Lists of Donald J. Trump, 16, 174
Conway, Kellyanne, 25, 26, 37–38, 40, 141, 174
Daniels, Stormy, 12, 136, 175
Derek, Bo, xi
Donald J. Trump Awards, 6, 11–12, 59, 60
Duck Dynasty, 106
EMAILS!, 15, 16, 24, 34, 51, 84, 85, 98, 101, 102, 106, 108, 142, 144, 145–50, 155, 165, 169, 174
Evidence Bakery’s Special Brownies, 65
Fahrenthold, Phony David, 135–36
Failing New York Times, 34, 54, 55, 95, 159, 162–63, 165
FAKE NEWS!, 3, 7, 34, 56, 59
Ferrigno, Lou, 2
Flockhart, Calista 87, 119–20
Flynn, Michael, 52–53, 62, 105,108, 110, 113–15, 116–17, 118, 141
Flynn Jr., Michael, 105, 141
George Soros, Cybersex with, 115
Giuliani, Rudy, 56, 91, on CNN right now
Golden Shower Stuff, 50–51, 183–92
Gorka, Sebastian, 32, 110
Haberman, Very Unfair Maggie, 55
H. R. McMaster & The Master Blasters from Planet Disaster, 31
Haley, Nikki, 38
Hannity, Sean, 5, 113–15
Hicks, Hope, 30, , 158, 162–63
Huckabee Sanders, Sarah, has been asked to leave this index
Industrial Enterprise Management Consultants LLC, 138
Internet Commenters, 81–82
Jimmy the Snake’s sex yacht, 7
Jones, Alex, THEY don’t want you to know what page he’s on
Kislyak, Sergei, 62–63, 64, 69, 81, 98, 105, 116–17,118, 120
KushKing007@aol.com, 77–78
Kushner, Jared, 9–10, 15, 44, 56, 62, 72, 73, 77, 79–80, 81, 83, 88, 94, 98, 116, 118–19, 140, 141, 145–50, 158, 159, 160, 165, 169
Lawyer, Russian, 147–48, 157
Lawyers, Trump, 84–92
Lyft Driver, Gary the, 41–42
Manafort, Paul, 139–40, 141, 142, 143, 145–50, 152, 155, 157–58, 159, 160–61, 165, 169, 170–71
Mattis, James, 39
The Martin Shkreli Foundation for the Legal Defense of Bernie Madoff and the Fyre Festival Guy, 135
Meetings, 61–120
“Melania T.”, xi–xiv, 20, 59, 60, 73, 93, 95, 98, 106, 155, 178
Memos, 19, 20–21, 22, 47, 48, 59
Mesothelioma Law, 86, 89
Miller, Stephen, xiii, 18, 54, 59, 87–88, 94, right behind you
Mooch, The, 32, 105, 164
Mnuchin, Steven, 38, 55
NICE!, 39, 122, 124
Not Going Bald LLC, 137
Nunes, Devin, 15, 44
On Harvard! On Harvard! On Ha—, 79–80, 120
Page, Carter, 151–54
Papadopoulos, George, 151–54
Pee Tape, 173, 181–92
Pence, Mike, 37, 40, 117, 118
Persons of Interest, 25, 45, 63, 72, 94, 105, 124,131, 142, 144
Perry, Rick, 38, 62
Press Secratary Sean Spricer, 17, 28, 29, 32, 34, 141
Price, Tom, 31, 38
Priebus, Reince (Guten Tag!), 9, 16, 24, 33, 52
PrincessIvanka@aol.com, 77–78
Pruitt, Scott, 5, 37
Putin, Vladimir, v, 72, 84, 88, 119–20, 123, 126–28, 138, 139–40, 153–54, 156, 157, 172–73
Republicans Taking Brave Moral Stands, no instances found
Rivera, Presidential Advisor Geraldo, xi
Rosenstein, Rod, 19, 20–21, 22, 29
Ross, Wilbrzzzzz, 8, 39,
RUDY!, 183, 189
SAD!, 163, 165
Scavino, Dan, 162–64
Schumer, Lazy Chuck, xi, 61
Senate Testimony, 4, 6, 13, 16, 54, 55–56, 64, 66, 67, 68, 69
Sessions, Jeff, 19, 20–21, 62, 63, 64, 66, 67–68, 69, 102, 103, 116, 118–19, 141
So Not Complicit! (musica
l), 98–101
Spike, Ivan the, 132
Steele, Christopher, 126, 176, 177
Steele Dossier, 121–92
Tapper, The Very Unfair Jake, 26–27, 50
Text Messages, 11, 41, 54, 64, 67–68, 98, 113, 151
Trail Blazers (Portland), 26, 36
Trump, President Donald J., see Can You Believe This Guy Won 46% of the Vote?
Trump Jr., Donald, 144, 145–50, 158, 159, 162, 165
Trump, Eric, 16–17, 56, 62, 107, 128, 140, 141, 144, 155–56, 164, 167–68, 176
Trump, Ivanka, 38, 50, 77–78, 88, 93, 94, 95–97, 98–101, 102, 119, 141
Trump, Melania, 50, 155, 158
Trump, Shrunken Little Hands of Donald, 53
Tweets, Donald J. Trump, 2–3, 52, 96, 122–23, 162–64, 175
Urkel, 41–42
Wikileaks, 85, 88, 107, 142, 147–48
WITCH HUNT!, 3, 56, 59, 87, 114, 141
Would Have Won, Bernie, see Republicans Taking Brave Moral Stands
Yahoo Answers, 19
Zinke, Ryan, 37
Zuckerberg, Mark, 79–80, 120
IMAGE CREDITS
By page number
11. Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images
25. Meet the Press
30. From top: United States Department of State; Spencer Platt/Getty Images; Jamel Toppin/The Forbes Collection/Contour by Getty Images; Chris Goodney/Bloomberg via Getty Images
31. From top: United States Department of Veterans Affairs; Cliff Lipson/CBS via Getty Images; United States Department of Health and Human Services; United States Army Public Affairs
32. From top: Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images; Photo by Taylor Hill/WireImage; Photo by Paul Morigi/WireImage
33. From top: United States Department of Health and Human Services; Photo by Mark Sagliocco/Getty Images
45. Photo by Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call
63. Photo by Jessica Kourkounis/Getty Images
72. Brendan Smialowski/AFP/Getty Images
81–82. John Gielgud: Public domain
94. Photo by David Yellen/Forbes Collection/Corbis via Getty Images
105. Photo by Andrew Harrer-Pool/Getty Images
124. Dan Hallman/Invision/AP
122–23. Donald J. Trump Twitter: Twitter
131. Photo by Yana Paskova/Getty Images
142. Victor Blue/Bloomberg via Getty Images
144. Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images
160. Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images
176–77. Eric Trump Jr.: Gage Skidmore; Howard Stern: Bill Norton; Winston Churchill: BiblioArchives / LibraryArchives
Simon & Schuster Paperbacks
An Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2018 by Jason O. Gilbert
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Simon & Schuster Paperbacks Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020
First Simon & Schuster trade paperback edition September 2018
SIMON & SCHUSTER PAPERBACKS and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or business@simonandschuster.com
The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.
Interior design by Jason Snyder
Cover design by Alison Forner
Cover illustration by Tim Bower/Richard Solomon Representatives
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
ISBN: 978-1-9821-0927-1
ISBN: 978-1-9821-0928-8 (ebook)