Letting Go (Healing Hearts Book 1)

by Michelle Sutton

  His chest squeezed at the doubt in her eyes. He realized then how deeply he cared for her. More than he had ever cared for Merilee. How could he teach her to trust him?

  Leaning closer, he tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. “Do you believe me?”

  Her chin quivered.

  “Come here.” He pulled her into his arms.

  She sobbed quietly into his jacket, her arms hanging like dead limbs at her sides.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t think I was mocking you when I kissed you.”

  Her shoulders shook, but she didn’t speak.

  Stroking her back, he whispered into her hair, “When I thought you were jealous I realized it meant you felt something for me. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t care who I talked to. Right?”

  Diane wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her face harder into his chest.

  “Shh. It’s okay.”

  She pushed him away. “No, it’s not okay. I’m not okay.”

  He was totally confused now. Were they even talking about the same thing?

  She hiccupped and wiped her face with her sleeve. “It’s never gonna be okay.”

  He lifted her chin with his finger. “Why are you thinking that? We’re going to make it through this. You’ll see. God is on our side.”

  She took a deep breath. Blowing it out, she whispered hoarsely, “No. You don’t understand. It’s not okay. Even if we win, I can’t . . . I don’t want to feel what I feel for you.”

  “It’s okay. I won’t pressure you. We can take our time. I care about you, Diane. I didn’t plan it this way, but somehow you got under my skin.”

  “It doesn’t matter. It won’t work. We need to keep our boundaries in place.”

  “What? I need you, Diane. Joey and I both need you.”

  Glancing up at him with sad eyes, she whispered, “You don’t want me. Believe me when I say you’re better off with Joleen. Go to her. She can make you happy. I can’t. I just can’t.”

  “You can’t? Or you won’t?”

  She pulled her chin away from his fingers and cranked the engine. “I’ll call you later. I’ll represent you in court as I agreed to do. But when this is all over, I plan to walk away. Please, just let me walk away.”

  “You don’t mean that. Joey and I don’t just need you. We want you too.”

  She shook her head. “You have no idea what you’re getting into.”

  He touched her shoulder and she shrugged his hand off. He dropped his hands to his sides, now dangerously close to tears himself.

  She stared out her window. “I want you to go now. Please, just leave me alone. It’s for your own good.”

  “Let’s talk about this. Please don’t send me away without telling me what’s wrong.”

  When she remained silent, he said calmly, “Fine. If that’s the way you want it, I guess I’ll just have to find another ride home. But we’re not done with this conversation.”

  He removed Joey’s car seat and diaper bag from the back seat, and with one last look at Diane, slammed the door. He refused to beg. He had made his point clear, and if she didn’t want to talk, he wouldn’t force her.

  He moved toward Joleen, his arms now full. She welcomed him and flashed a picture-perfect grin as she grabbed his coat lapels, “What was that all about?”

  “Nothing.” He shook his head. “Let’s just go get Joey from the babysitter. I have a headache.”

  Joleen smirked as if she didn’t believe him.

  She was right. It wasn’t nothing. Diane meant everything to him.

  Chapter 20

  “Mommy?” Joey’s neck craned over Dave’s shoulder.

  Dave cringed. No doubt Joey expected to see Diane since she had been with them when he dropped Joey off at the sitter. He didn’t know how to explain to his son that “Mommy” was just a friend, if that. As many times as Dave had struck out with Diane, she’d never be Joey’s mommy the way he wanted. Not until she realized that Dave really loved her. Until she opened her heart to him and stopped running away.

  Help me Lord. Tell me what to do.

  Joey screamed in Dave’s ear, making him flinch. Pointing over Dave’s shoulder, he cried, “Dat not Mommy. I not like dat lady! I want Mommy!”

  “I’m sorry, Joey, but Daddy had to get a ride home with somebody else. Tell you what, buddy, we’ll call Diane later. Okay?”

  Joey curled against Dave’s chest, resting his head on Dave’s shoulder. “ ’Tay, Daddy. We call yater.”

  “That’s my boy. Be nice to the lady in the car, Joey. She’s giving us a ride home.”

  Joey peeked over at Joleen again, popped his thumb in his mouth, and rubbed the tip of his nose. Dave situated Joey in his car seat and clipped the buckle in place.

  Joleen turned and grinned. “Hey, Joey. How are you?”

  Joey scowled at her. “I want Mommy.”

  She gasped and glanced over at Dave.

  He shrugged and turned to face Joey. “That wasn’t a nice thing to say.”

  Joey scowled. He clearly didn’t understand the reprimand, and Dave couldn’t fault him for that.

  “Say you’re sorry to Miss Joleen.”

  Joey shook his head no.

  Pulling her lips into a tight smile, Joleen started the engine but never said another word. When they arrived at Dave’s house she didn’t get out of the car. He collected Joey, his bag, and the toddler car seat, thanked her for the ride, and waved. Joleen offered a stiff smile and pulled away without saying a word.

  Seemed like he was striking out with all the ladies today, and he felt like a bumbling idiot. Not that he was trying to hook up with her. But still, the rejection unnerved him.

  He dropped everything but Joey on the floor and held him close. He wanted to forget everything that had happened and just live in the moment.

  “Wanna swim?”

  Joey hopped on Dave’s hip. “Swim, Daddy. Wanna swim.”

  “All right, you little rascal. I’ll go get your swimmer pull-ups. You stay put now.”

  To Dave’s amazement, Joey obeyed. He couldn’t help but wonder if the crack his son had received in the head the last time had made a permanent impression on him.

  As he ascended the stairs a vision of Diane’s tear-filled eyes imprinted on his mind. Lord, I don’t know what is going on with her, but you do. Please help her.

  ♥♥♥♥♥

  Diane stopped at the mall for a quick meal and to gather her thoughts before she went home. She passed by a navy blue sedan when she pulled into her driveway and wondered who the car belonged to.

  Her mother stood on her front steps. Diane approached her with caution. Lacy had never shown up before unannounced, and Diane couldn’t help wondering what had brought her there.

  “Mother?”

  When Diane touched her shoulder, her mother stared at her with glassy, bloodshot eyes. She’d been drinking, and her make-up had smudged.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Her mother blinked and opened her mouth, but no sound came out.

  “Are you okay?” She rested her hand on her mother’s arm.

  “He left me.”

  “Who left you? Jax?”

  She nodded. “He left me. Jax left me.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m afraid you can’t stay here with me. You know how we fight, and I’ve had a really bad day. I’ll put you up in a hotel for the night. Will that be all right?”

  Her mother blinked several times. “Sure. That’ll be fine.”

  “Come inside and relax while I make the arrangements.”

  Her mother followed like a shadow and eased herself into a large high-back chair in Diane’s dining room. She set her purse on her lap with a plop and pulled out a small liquor bottle. Before the rim of the bottle connected with her lips, Diane stormed into the room, pulled the bottle from her hand and tossed it in the garbage under the kitchen sink. She returned to the dining room to find her mother gaping, as if shocked that Diane had asser
ted herself.

  “Oh, stop it, Mother. Drowning your sorrows with booze won’t change a thing.”

  Her mother fixed her in an incredulous gaze. Then her eyes narrowed.

  “This is all your fault. If your father hadn’t been so enamored with you, he would have loved me. But he didn’t. He reminded me every day that the only reason he kept coming home was for you. Never for me.” Her mother started to sob.

  Diane stared at her mother, open-mouthed. “W-what do you mean?”

  Her mother stopped abruptly, and snorted. “Just what I said. Your father was in love with you. And you wanted him to be. You know you did.”

  “I didn’t know better. I thought that’s the way a family was supposed to be.”

  “You’re lying. You wanted him too. You’ve always been a little slut.”

  “If I was one, it’s because you made me that way!”

  “So you admit it, then?

  Diane cried, “No! I never wanted that. You pushed me at Daddy. You pushed me.”

  Her mother scowled. “You know you wanted it. You did everything you could to pull your father’s attention away from me. So I let him have you.”

  “You let him have me?”

  Her mother snarled. “Stop playing dumb. You know what I mean.”

  “No, Mother, I really don’t. Tell me.” Diane wiped her eyes and braced herself.

  Putting her hands on her hips, her mother harrumphed. “Don’t act stupid. I always knew you were smart and you’d make something of yourself someday. I don’t care what your father said about you being dumb. You knew exactly what you wanted and got whatever you asked for. You stole my husband from me!”

  “What? I did not. I didn’t want him. I just wanted him to love me. I didn’t want him to . . . to . . . ” She hunched over and choked. A flood of tears ran down her face.

  Her mother froze, her eyes glazing over. “So I was right. I always suspected something happened between you two. I saw how he looked at you. I saw him kissing you once. When I came back from the store. But I know you wanted him too.”

  “Why would you say that, Mother? Why?”

  “Because you’d always ask him to hug you and kiss you.”

  “I . . . I did?”

  Her mother snorted. “Don’t act stupid. Ever since you were a small child you wanted to steal your father from me. Don’t try to lie about it now. You’re a liar and you always have been.”

  “No! That’s not true.”

  “Yes, it is. I should know better than anyone. I’m leaving. I don’t know why I thought you’d care about me.” Her mother turned and stumbled out, slamming the door behind her.

  The accusations whirred around in Diane’s mind. What her mother had said wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. She had never asked her father to kiss her, at least not the kind of kisses her mother insinuated she wanted. Had she?

  She shook her head. No. He had always approached her first.

  Memories of his perverted attraction pounded her heart, causing her limbs to tremble. She wrapped her arms around her chest and sank into her plush couch. Pulling her knees to her chest, she curled up into a ball and sobbed.

  “Mother, how can you even think that about me?”

  She had no idea how long she cried, but when she had spent every tear, she sat up, her head aching. A whisper, a delicate voice, captured her attention.

  Forgive her.

  “Oh God, I don’t think I can. You know I can’t. You heard what she said. She didn’t even want to protect me. She hates me.”

  Forgive her as I forgave you . . .

  The telephone rang. Diane groaned and grabbed the receiver. “Hello?” She sniffled.

  “Diane?” Dave’s husky voice made her throat constrict further.

  “Go away!” She hung up and started crying again.

  The phone rang again, and she took a calming breath before answering. “Please don’t call me. Please.”

  “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” He sounded genuinely concerned.

  “Do I sound okay? I thought you understood what I said. I can’t even be friends, Dave. It’s too hard. My mother’s visit tonight just confirmed it for me. I’m hopeless.”

  “I don’t understand. What does her visit have to do with this? Why can’t we be friends?”

  “Because I’m starting to care about you, and I don’t want you to get hurt. I know if I tell you what’s wrong with me you won’t be interested in me anymore.”

  “How can you even think such a thing?”

  “Because it’s true. I have so many issues. I don’t think I’ll ever be emotionally ready to commit to anyone.”

  “I don’t believe that for a second. You’re a wonderful woman, Diane. That’s what I wanted to tell you. I called to apologize for my outburst earlier.”

  “I forgive you. Now please don’t call me again.”

  “Wait. Have you prayed about this?”

  “What?”

  “Have you prayed about this? Are you sure the Lord doesn’t want us together? Because I think He does.”

  She cringed. She’d been afraid to pray. Afraid God would tell her to confront her fears and work things out with Dave. It was so much easier to avoid Him. The other way was too hard.

  “Honestly? I’m not sure I want to ask God’s opinion.”

  “Okay, then I’ll just keep on praying for you until you figure out what you want.”

  “Did you pray for me today?”

  “I pray for you every day. Why? What’s going on with you? Are you in trouble? Please, just tell me.”

  “I can’t Dave. It’s too . . . awful . . . and embarrassing.”

  “What could be so embarrassing you can’t talk about it?”

  “Don’t push me. I’m not ready. I need to see my counselor before I can tell anyone what I’m thinking.”

  “You don’t trust me?” he whispered.

  “I want to, Dave. I really do. I just don’t know how.”

  ♥♥♥♥♥

  The next morning in court Diane waved, and then motioned Dave over as if they’d never had a fight. Her demeanor was all professional, but he expected no less.

  “I called her boss. He’s appearing on her behalf and will sit in her place the rest of the week.”

  Dave swallowed the lump forming in his throat. “That’s good, right?”

  “It’s better than sticking an unfamiliar caseworker in her spot.”

  “Great, maybe afterward we can—”

  “All rise.”

  Everyone stood.

  The judge entered the courtroom. “You may be seated. The court reconvenes regarding the matter of Little J Dodd. Is counsel prepared to continue?”

  “We are, Your Honor.” The attorneys responded simultaneously.

  “Good. I believe we left off with Ms. Simmons cross-examining the witness. Have you finished your line of questioning?”

  “Yes, Your Honor,” Diane conceded.

  “Counsel for the mother, you may now proceed.”

  “Thank you, Your Honor.” Mr. Hixon turned and fixed his eyes on Dave. “I’d like you to make an exception to the rules of order so I can call someone other than the caseworker as my first witness. Given the nature of this proceeding and the loss of the State’s main witness, I pray that the court will agree to my request. Your Honor, I’d like to call Mr. Dave Passel to the witness stand.”

  The judge nodded. “You may proceed in that manner.”

  Dave’s throat went dry. No one had told him he could be called to testify.

  He glanced over at Diane, who shrugged and mouthed, “I wasn’t expecting this either.”

  He rose and approached the bailiff to be sworn in, his gut churning. What if he said the wrong thing and Joey was taken from him today? He would never be able to live with himself.

  “Raise your right hand. Do you swear that the testimony you are about to share is the truth?”

  Dave raised his hand and strained to find his voice. “I do.”

&nb
sp; “Could you repeat that, sir,” interjected Judge Taraman. “I couldn’t hear your response.”

  “Sorry, Your Honor. I said I do.”

  “Very well. You may be seated.”

  Dave’s stomach fluttered. He didn’t like the gleam in Mr. Hixon’s eye. Something told him the attorney planned to make him look like a fool. He inhaled deeply and prayed for wisdom as he released the air in his lungs.

  “Mr. Passel, how long has Little J Dodd resided in your home?”

  “Almost two years.”

  “He’s not even three yet, correct?”

  “Yes.” He quirked his eyebrows and glanced over at Diane. She scribbled on her notepad without looking up.

  “Tell me, do you remember being three years old?”

  Dave’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t like where the questions were leading.

  “No. I can’t say that I do.”

  The man approached the witness stand. “What makes you sure that this boy needs you so much that he can’t make room in his heart for his own birth mother?”

  Dave swallowed hard. Had he been selfish? He closed his eyes, praying that Joleen or Diane would object to the question, but no one rescued him.

  Opening his eyes, Dave glanced at the judge. “Um . . . ”

  Leanne’s attorney cupped his ear with his hand and smirked. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear your answer. Could you repeat that, Mr. Passel?”

  Dave glanced over at Leanne, who glared at him.

  Have compassion on her. She’s my child too.

  He rubbed his chin. “I’m sorry, could you repeat the question?”

  “I asked what makes you sure that Little J needs you so much that he can’t make room in his heart for his birth mother.”

  Dave shot up another quick prayer, but no answer came.

  He glanced at Diane, who offered a smile. Joleen scowled at him and shook her head. Should he show Leanne compassion?

  “I’m not sure. But I think Joey could make room in his heart for her if . . . ” He hesitated. “If someone could ease him into it.”

  “If someone could help ease him into it? What do you mean by that?”

  “Well, he’s a very sensitive child and doesn’t handle stress or change very well. He gets physically ill. He needs someone with him to facilitate.”