When We Make It

by Elisabet Velasquez

  but suddenly it doesn’t feel like it’s to me.

  It reminds me of when I practice reciting

  all my good disses

  in the mirror in case I ever get into a fight

  where I might need to use them.

  NEW WORDS/GLAMOUR/

  AN ATTRACTIVE OR EXCITING QUALITY THAT MAKES CERTAIN PEOPLE OR THINGS SEEM APPEALING

  This never happens but

  today Mami wore pants

  & marched mad

  pissed off to the welfare office

  to tell her caseworker

  that she wasn’t shit

  for decreasing

  her food stamps.

  Never mess with a woman

  dressed in the glamour of

  her children’s hunger.

  FIRST JOBS

  Lala got her first job working summer youth.

  We celebrate her being one step closer to

  making it outta here.

  When you gonna get a job? Lala asks.

  I been looking.

  I lie.

  The truth is my job is to help Mami keep track

  of her appointments.

  I never really asked Mami why she can’t write

  her own appointments down on the calendar

  but it doesn’t matter

  ’cause I like my job.

  It has perks, like I get to ask questions

  without being yelled at and I get to request new Bic pens

  and keep some for myself

  and because Mami has to make sure

  that I get everything right

  she has to speak so slowly

  and so softly that I almost feel as important

  as the case managers at the welfare office.

  I wonder if they love their job as much as I do.

  I wonder if they appreciate Mami’s patience

  with their questions.

  I wonder if they miss her when she’s gone.

  QUESTION FOR THE BIC PEN I USE TO WRITE DOWN MAMI’S APPOINTMENTS ON THE CALENDAR

  What are the stories you would rather tell?

  TODAY IN BIBLE STUDY

  Today’s lesson is on the Tower of Babel.

  It’s the story of why we have so many languages

  in the world. What had happened was the people

  tried to get all slick and build a tower tall enough

  to reach heaven and get to God.

  I don’t know why they were tryna get to God.

  The Bible has a habit of leaving out a lot of detail

  important to the story. Maybe he wasn’t listening

  or some shit and they felt like they had to go

  regulate. Like when Mami calls the welfare office

  about them messing up the amount she’s supposed to get

  and they don’t answer the phone so she has to go in person so they know she means business.

  Anyway. Rumor has it they built a tower

  so tall that they could almost taste the clouds.

  Estrella & I crack up at the thought

  of God being so childish and laughing

  at how they thought they were smarter

  than him and then waiting for the right moment

  just as the people were starting to feel confident

  in their unity, and with one flick of his wrist

  or however it is that God makes things happen,

  he made it so that they didn’t understand each other;

  and just like that we got the gift

  of miscommunication all because God

  was mad that for a moment

  we were almost on the same level as him.

  NEEDLES

  Tone uses heroin. Sometimes we find needles in the bathroom or kitchen. They lie on the floor lonely, having served their purpose. Tone gets mad at Mami when she sweeps them up. Those were clean needles I got from my friend! he yells. Mami says she can get him real clean needles from her diabetes doctor. Mami sends me to la farmacia. I don’t wanna go. You’re gonna help him get high? I complain. Estrella tells me I don’t get it. If Tone doesn’t get new needles he can get sick. If Tone gets sick he can die. If Tone dies we are homeless again. I shut up and run to fill the script.

  NEW WORDS/SCOFF/

  TO LAUGH AND TALK ABOUT A PERSON OR IDEA IN A WAY THAT SHOWS THAT YOU THINK THEY ARE STUPID OR SILLY

  Mami is seeing things again.

  The oil drips from the walls;

  she swipes the grease

  onto her hands and tells me:

  Mira, estoy ungida.

  Look, I am anointed.

  She rocks back & forth during prayer.

  Mami says she is not crazy.

  Just recovering from the neighbors’ witchcraft.

  She suspects someone has a voodoo doll

  modeled after her to keep her sick.

  The doctor Mami went to see called it schizophrenia.

  Mami scoffs at this diagnosis.

  Mami calls it los nervios.

  An epidemic only Puerto Rican women suffer from.

  Something only women with pins

  in their body would understand.

  NEW WORDS/EVALUATION/

  A SYSTEMATIC DETERMINATION OF A SUBJECT’S MERIT, WORTH AND SIGNIFICANCE

  Mami finally got approved for Social Security Income.

  It’s a check you get for being sick

  and not being able to work.

  Mami doesn’t really talk about her illness much.

  Papi says from what he can see

  nothing is wrong with her

  & calls her lazy for not trying harder to find a job.

  SSI is different from welfare but it’s money

  we have to wait for regardless.

  Mami thinks since Estrella has been acting strange

  she can qualify for SSI too.

  She makes an appointment to get her evaluated.

  Estrella overheard Mami telling Raffy

  that with an extra $500 a month

  we can afford to buy more food.

  Estrella thinks it’s foul for Mami

  to be fake worried about her for a check.

  She says if Mami makes her go to the psychiatrist

  she’s gonna act crazy on purpose.

  Maybe she can make extra money

  from being an actress on Broadway.

  I think Estrella would look fly on a stage.

  She laughs and twirls, in love with her mad idea.

  Come on, she says.

  Let’s practice what crazy looks like for Broadway!

  Estrella imitates Mami when she’s in a rage.

  I decide to be Mami at her quietest.

  MEDICAID

  At the therapist’s office, Estrella and I watch cartoons and giggle our thirst away. It’s the end of the month and laughter sits in the back of our throats like cool water. The receptionist asks for our insurance and it’s my turn to bring Mami her purse. A woman standing next to Mami fans through her credit cards and decides on one to pay for her visit. She mutters something to the receptionist about perfectly healthy people on welfare living off of her taxes. I give Mami our Medicaid card. White like good milk. Estrella says she should punch the lady in the mouth. I laugh and tell her to save her anger for the therapist.

  LIVING THE DREAM

  I had a dream where I write myself a new life

  in a new town that believes in me

  & I buy Mami a house she doesn’t deserve.

  In Bushwick, the only dream is finding the nail salon

  with the cheapest acrylic tips & the only future

  is the rare occasion Mami smiles like she found hope

  or s
ome money to take the bus downtown

  so the therapist can sign a paper that says

  that Estrella and I can’t focus so we need

  extra time on tests,

  when really we’re just alive and tired

  of questions that don’t ever answer our hunger,

  distracted by the strange way

  we’re being given attention,

  like we matter and don’t at the same time

  in an office whose doors lock and has air

  that smells like it’s never had roaches

  so how could the therapist possibly see us

  at our calmest when we got feet

  that have never known to trust that the floor

  won’t spill the fury of a thousand rats.

  MY LIFE AS A SALSA SONG

  LA CURA

  After the visit we get a free MetroCard if we sign out with our Medicaid #. Knowing how we are getting back home is the only good thing about seeing the therapist. It’s the least they can do after not believing us when we said everything hurt but we couldn’t really explain where or how because what we mean is we have all this pain and nowhere left to put it so sometimes it travels our bodies and other times we have to let it loose if someone stares at us long enough to see how scared we really are even of our own brilliance. Estrella and I want to be heard more than we want the medicine but it’s a quick visit ’cause the waiting room is full of people who need to be seen before the MetroCards run out.

  AFTER SCHOOL THE PIANO PLAYER FROM CHURCH IS WAITING FOR ME

  I get in the car because I know him.

  I get in the car because he is the pastor’s best friend.

  I get in the car because he promised to take me home.

  I get in the car because this could be God

  sending me a blessing.

  I get in the car because I need to save my feet

  for the walk to church later.

  because someone cared enough

  to pick me up from school.

  because it makes me feel like the white girls

  I see in the movies.

  because I want my friends to see me matter.

  He starts driving me home & the car door is locked.

  The streets abandon their homes

  & the car door is locked.

  We stop on the block where people make sure

  their car doors are locked.

  I know something is wrong

  ’cause I am not home and the car door is locked.

  He wants me to smile.

  I have such a pretty smile.

  I regret learning it in the mirror.

  I want to scream

  but God probably won’t hear me

  if the car door is locked.

  SARAI SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER

  The pastor asks how old I am and guesses 17, 18. Mami says 13 like she’s ashamed she gave me her hips. I remind her I turned 14 last year. The pastor says what he would have said regardless of what age I was. I should know better than to get into a car alone with a man. The pastor is pissed off but I can’t tell if it’s at the piano player or at the fact that our church might not have a piano player soon. Mami asks if we should involve the cops.

  The pastor says God is the highest authority

  and we pray.

  THE PIANO MAN HAS A FAMILY

  They place me in front of the door so I can be the first thing he sees when he opens it. I guess this makes it easier for them to introduce the subject. Kind of like knowing what the TV show is going to be about before you watch it. This time I am in a novela I didn’t sign up to be the star for.

  A pregnant woman opens the door, she looks exhausted. She shushes two toddlers behind her who are screaming and racing each other across the apartment. I smile at her like this is an audition and I want her to invite me to the next round.

  She looks confused and annoyed. She ushers Mami, the pastor and me in without asking any questions.

  I feel like I won already. There are only four seats at the table she points to. Mami, the pastor, the Piano Man’s wife & me. This is nice. I wish we had a table. Good families always have tables.

  I run my fingers across the dark wood. I wonder where the Piano Man will sit.

  MY LIFE AS A BIBLE STORY: LOT’S WIFE

  The Piano Man’s wife

  is looking straight through him.

  She doesn’t move,

  like a beautifully carved pregnant statue.

  I think all women have that talent.

  To make pain look like art.

  In Bible study we learned

  how Lot’s wife turned to a pillar of salt

  because she looked back

  at a town God was destroying because of sin.

  I think it’s real hard to leave something you once loved

  and not look back one more time.

  That’s exactly how Piano Man’s wife is looking at him

  like he is a burning city God is warning her to leave.

  WHAT ESTRELLA KNOWS ABOUT JUSTICE

  Nobody’s gonna save us but us.

  Nobody is gonna protect us but us.

  I just want to forget it ever happened.

  But Estrella says we can forget after

  Corner Boy Jesus reminds Piano Man

  that he fucked with the wrong one.

  JESUS OUR LORD & SAVIOR

  Ayo, Star! Jesus always calls Estrella’s name in English

  when he wants her to come downstairs.

  Estrella runs out of the building & into his arms.

  Like she runs downstairs when Papi honks the horn.

  I can’t hear much from our third-floor window

  but I peep Jesus’ white tank top

  looking all tie-dyed red.

  Estrella reaches for Jesus’ bleeding knuckles

  as he punches the air like you do

  when you tell a good fight story.

  Like you do

  when you won the fight.

  I run down the stairs

  to thank Jesus for sacrificing himself for me

  but by the time I get there

  he’s already gone.

  WHAT LALA KNOWS ABOUT JUSTICE

  Lala stopped by the stoop today.

  It’s been a while since we’ve spoken.

  Summer youth has her wild busy.

  Lala says I don’t gotta talk about it if I don’t want to.

  Sometimes we don’t and sometimes we do.

  When we do, we crack jokes about Piano Man and his wack-ass music.

  Bet he won’t be able to play for a while

  after what Jesus did to him.

  Is it wrong that I’m happy he’s hurt? I lay down in Lala’s lap.

  I want to give my body a safe home.

  Lala strokes my hair & laughs an irresponsible laugh.

  I guess we’ll find out on Judgment Day.

  WHAT THE MEN KNOW ABOUT JUSTICE

  When Mami tells Papi about Piano Man

  Papi is furious at me for getting into

  a car with a man. He doesn’t

  understand how I could be such a pendeja.

  At the bodega Papi warns me

  that men are no good.

  Papi says even though he doesn’t own a gun

  he has hands as good as bullets.

  The bodeguero says he doesn’t know

  what he would do if he ever had a daughter.

  Papi & the bodeguero go on and on

  about how badly men treat women;

  not them though.

  But they’ve heard stories

  you know?

  MY LIFE AS A SALSA SONG

  USTED ABUSÓ

  I feel like I ha
ve a new body.

  One that I put on to pass for human.

  Inside

  I am a monster.

  Inside

  I am angry

  that I let someone steal me

  from me.

  Angry that I sang songs with him.

  That I fixed my pitch to match the keys.

  Angry that I loved the way

  The piano carried my voice.

  Angry that I let him guide my hands

  over the drums.

  Angry that I trusted a man

  to take me home.

  When home was just a few blocks away.

  When home was my body, an already fully furnished room.

  I should have changed the locks like Mami,

  crossed my legs tighter.

  But I let him in. I let him in

  ’cause I was scared.

  I let him in ’cause they say if a thief

  tries to take something from you

  let him have it

  unless you want to die.

  What a fucked up option to have

  when both choices take your breath away.

  My real body has been looted.

  My real body has been thrown away.

  My real body wants to crawl out of

  where a man’s guilt has buried it

  & find its way back to me.

  I know it. My real body visits me

  in my dreams & this time we walk home

  together. This time we trust only our

  feet & the next step

  and the next step

  & the next.

  THE LAST TIME I CALL THE CHATLINE

  Today I tell the truth about who I am on the chatline.

  The coiled cord stretches straight as I walk to the mirror.

  I had forgotten what I looked like.