Never Forever

by Johnson, L. R.

  Anger tears through me like a wild tornado, ripping through my core. My hand instantly reacts to the searing fury pulsating within me, causing me to attempt to slap him again. This time though, he catches my hand just before it hits his face.

  Holding tightly onto my hand he states firmly, “Not bloody likely, this time.”

  Yanking my hand away from his, I shout, “Get out!”

  “Gladly, but don’t think that I am going to play this game anymore. I am also done.”

  Just as he opens the door to leave, Olivia walks up to my flat. Her face ripples with surprise as she stares at Callum. “What are you doing here?” she utters, questioningly.

  “I am just leaving,” he states in a sharp, crisp tone as he hastily walks past her.

  “What the bloody hell is going on here?” she asks, in a sharp tone.

  My tears spill down my cheeks as I begin to sob uncontrollably. His harsh words leave me feeling both angry and heartbroken at the same time. His statements about me playing a game with his emotions reverberate within my ears. I never put myself in his position, and to him I am messing with his heart. I did use him, when I went into labor to fill the void caused by Andrew’s death. I did need Callum and at a point I wanted him also. I never told him the truth, because I didn’t want to be judged or treated different, but in so doing I have led Callum on, hurting him in the process.

  My tears slowly subside as I begin to be upset with myself. “I screwed up! I should have been honest with Callum, but I can barely be honest with myself. I just wanted to escape. The last thing I want to do is confront my reality, causing others to bear the brunt of it.”

  Olivia gazes at me in a reproving way as she walks over to me, “You didn’t screw up, but you weren’t smart either. You may think that you botched up everything with Callum, but I know my brother and it takes a lot for him to really give up on someone he cares about.” A soft tone now rolls within her voice as she gazes at me solemnly, “And trust me, he cares a lot about you. Besides, he has not been honest with you either.”

  Tilting my head to one side I recoil in confusion, “What do you mean?”

  Her eyes sear into mine, as she explains, “Callum is my half-brother. His father died when his mum was pregnant with him.”

  “What! Why didn’t he tell me?” I utter in complete shock, as a tingling sensation ripples up from my feet, penetrating my legs with a numbing sensation. I am not sure how much longer my legs are going to be able to support me. Rushing over to my chair I quickly sit down before I fall down.

  “Breanna, why didn’t you tell him about you? Pride is a dangerous thing to dance with. It will always hurt you in the end,” she sincerely, yet lovingly lectures. My eyes drop in shame as she continues, “His mum married my father soon after she gave birth to Callum. He has always loved Callum and has treated him like he is his own, but Callum has always felt like something was missing, until he came home the night of your delivery. The hollow spaces within him seemed to be full, leaving him complete for the first time. Do you see why it is not over for him yet?” Her eyes beam with a sudden proposal, “Come to our house for the Holiday week.”

  “What? Olivia, I don’t know what I want. I am too messed up right now. I don’t need to ruin someone else’s life, too.”

  “Who said anything about ruining someone’s bloody life? I am just saying to come and have fun.” Noticing my sideways glance towards Noah she utters, “Both of you come. Noah needs to get out of this tiny flat anyway. Besides, what kind of friend would I be if I left you here for a week all by yourself?”

  Closing my eyes tightly I take in a deep, cleansing breath and utter, “Fine, we will go.”

  Olivia’s face brightens as a large smile spreads across her face. A secret plot shimmers within her expression. My heart races with fear tinged with excitement. I am thrilled to be able to get out and have fun. I haven’t done anything since I have been here except school work. But I am also terrified at what could lay before me. I am straddling two different roads, and I cannot remain this way for much longer. I am going to have to choose one of the roads, leaving the other one behind me, soon.

  He’s Oh So…

  Olivia picked me up early this morning; we loaded up her car with an excessive amount of baby things and my one small suitcase. Why is it the smaller they are, the bigger the items? What I am bringing is nothing compared to what I have to bring for Noah. After a few encouraging words from Olivia, we head out on our hour and a half drive to their home in West Wycombe.

  Anxiety pulsates through my chest as we drive away from my tiny flat. Cambridge is the only area in England I have been. I have no idea what I am heading into this week. I will be surrounded by a strange environment, for the most part strange people, and an unknown situation with Callum. Olivia never told Callum I was planning on coming this week. She thought it would be fun to just surprise him by showing up with both myself and Noah in her car. I hope she is doing the right thing.

  I had to spend this past week listening to everyone talk about the big holiday at Callum’s house, and how they are going to have so much fun. Emily was very boisterous about her intentions towards Callum and her hopes in sharing a room with him. It took everything within me to keep my mouth shut. Callum never looked at me the whole week, as if I no longer existed to him. Except on one occasion when Emily was being particularly pompous, flaunting her sudden relationship with Callum by hanging all over him. Callum gave a quick glance in my direction, and then proceeded to push her off of him, glaring at her in a disapproving way. I hope my sudden appearance at his family’s home will put a damper on his carnal plans with Emily.

  As we drive, the scenery all around us transforms from large ancient buildings, to gently sloping hills dotted by sporadic clumps of small wooded areas. The green ancient hills appear to step right out of the past, like a picture book opening up its pages, revealing its ancient story. The grassy pasture areas are separated by crisscrossing rows of hedges, like a giant chess board. The historic Georgian country houses dot the landscape, giving a perception of stepping back in time. The grandeur and beauty of the landscape marries perfectly with the historical buildings, washing over me with a sense of peace.

  We follow a narrow, shrub-lined road that leads us through a small grove of trees. Suddenly the trees open up revealing a breathtaking sight. I always knew that Callum and Olivia came from a privileged and wealthy life, but this is ridiculous. There in front of me stands a breathtaking stone Georgian house. The large abbey-looking structure is surrounded by a park-like setting. The grove of trees seems to envelop the back of the house, causing the grey stone to appear to illuminate off of the green backdrop. A large historic garden is positioned perfectly within the front of the breathtaking structure. Off in the distance of the property stands a small lake surrounded by weeping willow and large trees with their branches dancing delicately over the rippling water.

  A surge of tremendous inadequacy floods my mind as we drive down the private road. This is a world I don’t belong in. I feel like a fish that has no business soaring in the sky with the eagles. The only type of environment I am used to is trailer parks and small residential neighborhoods.

  Nervously wringing my hands I utter under my breath, “I don’t belong here. What was I thinking?”

  “Of course you bloody belong here. Just because this is my home doesn’t make me a pretentious prat. Most of the people here have underlying insecurity and self-doubt, anyway. They tend to confuse money with the man, but my mother didn’t raise us to be that way. Maybe it was because of her own tragic situation, which taught her the value of a person’s true character versus their inheritance. Breanna, please don’t feel like you are unwelcome here.” She looks at me with a true expression of love. “This is both yours and Noah’s home now. Please make yourself comfortable here.”

  Her words cause my anxiety to momentarily dissipate, until we pull up to the circular drive and I notice Callum walking out their front door. His huge sm
ile is now surrounded by a slightly thick and scruffy five o’clock shadow, making him appear even more masculine. He looks to be enjoying the holiday in more ways than one, because his lackadaisical attire is mirroring his facial hair. His well-fit jeans and form-fitting t-shirt emphasize his lean, yet muscular build. I have always thought Callum was good looking, but this new look screams sexuality, causing my heart, and my jaw, to drop. He energetically walks towards Olivia’s car, when suddenly his eyes catch sight of me. He stops dead in his tracks as he stares at me with incredulity.

  I manage to give him a rather uncomfortable smile as I get out of the car. Nervously I utter, “Hi.”

  A slight pause vibrates between us as his mind appears to be grasping the reality of my presence. “What are you doing here?” he asks, in disbelief.

  “She came with me,” Olivia snaps as she gets out of the car. “If you have a bloody problem with it you can talk to me.”

  His features soften as he notices me taking Noah out of his car seat. “Do you need any help with…” He surveys the massive amount of baby items I have shoved into Olivia’s small car, “…all your things?”

  I watch Callum questionably as a slight smirk streams across his face. Though he is examining all the baby items his eyes lock onto Noah with an intense yearning. A warm sensation pierces my heart as I am reminded of the bond that he has with Noah, “I would love some help. Would you mind holding Noah, so I can get all my things?”

  Olivia turns towards me, revealing a large smile, completely aware of the olive branch I am handing him. Callum walks closer to me as he looks into my eyes, “I would love to hold him, but how about I first bring all of your things into a room for you.” Slinging the strap of my bag over his shoulder he starts stacking all of Noah’s baby items into his arms. “Blimey Breanna, did you leave anything in your bedsit? We are only here for a week.”

  Olivia lets out a loud laugh, as she chimes in, “I think I put the kitchen sink in the boot.”

  “I know it looks like an insane amount of things, but the smaller they are the more things they require. I didn’t even bring anything for Noah to sleep in, either. I would need a moving truck if I had to bring the crib you let him use.”

  “We are just winding you up.” Callum muffles his low laugh as he adds, “Don’t worry about not having a place for Noah to sleep. I can go and pick you up something if you’d like.”

  I gaze at Callum with new eyes. After my meltdown with Olivia I was able to remove the storm shutters from my vision, opening my eyes and heart to the world around me. I now notice every expression and gesture he makes, as if a spot-light is illuminating his every action.

  “Thank you Callum, but I am here for only a week, so I think I will just have him sleep with me.”

  Olivia adds, “Breanna, I forgot to tell you that I have Miss McNally coming here. That way you can have some fun also.” Turning toward Callum she states, “I know you weren’t planning on Miss McNally’s services this week, but under the circumstances I figured you would want her here.” A mischievous smile streams across her face.

  Complete shock hits me like a tsunami wave, enveloping my entire body. I thought Callum quit helping me after our fight and that Olivia had taken over paying for the nanny service. Callum’s face drops in aggravation at what Olivia has just revealed. Olivia’s face, though, lights up in sheer delight at her deliberate revelation.

  “Callum, have you still been paying for Miss McNally’s services?” I ask in a soft, grateful tone.

  Callum turns away from me and begins to walk through the large front doors, “Come with me and I will show you to your room.”

  “Callum, answer the question.”

  He continues to walk through the front door, never turning to face me, “Yes. Now follow me.”

  We walk through a labyrinth of hallways until he reaches a large, ornate door. As he opens the door my eyes widen, trying to take in every detail to my room. A large four-poster bed sits against the middle of the south wall. The bed is layered with heavy amounts of matching comforters and vintage quilts. Coordinating curtains hang from the railing around the bed and also the large windows, which overlook the garden. An oversized fireplace is flanked directly across from the large bed, bringing a cozy feeling to the enormous room. Down-filled overstuffed chairs are positioned by the window and in front of the fireplace, seemingly beckoning me to sink into their comforting warmth. A large, fluffy blanket is thrown perfectly over the back of the chair in front of the fireplace, adding to the comfort of the room. Light floods through the windows giving the room a bright and cheerful feeling. The walls are decorated with oil paintings of renaissance men and women. I can only assume that these are paintings of his ancestors.

  “This room is incredible. Are you sure this is for me?” I mumble in complete amazement.

  “I am glad you like it. This room is for you and Noah.” He places all my things on the large four-poster bed. As he drops them down, I notice all my things melting into the bed, slightly sinking beneath the surface.

  “Is that a down mattress?” I ask, as I watch my things being enveloped by all the soft coverings.

  “Yes. My mum likes anything down. If you don’t like it I can have them taken off.”

  “Absolutely not! I have always wanted to sleep on a down bed,” excitement reverberates within my voice.

  A heart melting smile streams across his face as he tenderly walks over to me. With every step he takes my heart begins to pound even harder. The thunderous beats of my heart echo within my ears, causing my hearing to be muffled. He now stands just inches away from me. His soft brown hair falls perfectly around his face, causing his caramel eyes to sear right through me. His scruffy stubble forms perfectly around his luscious, soft, full lips. A nervous sensation forming in the depth of my stomach climbs up my spine and rolls down my arms, causing my hands to tremble.

  “May I take Noah now?”

  For a brief moment I had forgotten that Noah was in my arms. Shaking my head slightly, trying to bring my mind back to reality, I mindlessly answer, “Absolutely. He just ate about thirty minutes ago, so he should be good for a while.”

  “Great, then you wouldn’t mind if I took him to my room.” Noticing my sudden apprehension he adds, “This way you can explore the house and get acquainted with it. I wouldn’t want you getting lost this week.” A playful smile tears through his face, as if there is more to his statement than I am aware of.

  A heavy sigh explodes through my mouth as my shoulders deflate in defeat, “Fine, but where is your room, so I can come and get him when I am done?”

  Gently he takes Noah from my arms, swaddling him against his firm chest. Giving me a slight wink he replies, “How ‘bout I just bring him back to you when he wakes up?”

  “No, if you are going to take him to your room then I need to know where it is. Besides, you know where my room is,” I state emphatically.

  A mischievous smile lights up his face as a deep, quick laugh shoots out of his mouth. “That’s right, I do know where your room is.” He opens my door and proceeds to walk out into the hall.

  “Callum, that’s not fair!” I yell down the hall.

  “See you soon,” he responds, never turning back in my direction.

  I watch as he turns down a hallway, causing me to lose sight of them both. A quiet lull and a sense of freedom prickle over me as I stare down the hallway. I fully decide that Callum was right, this is the best time for me to go exploring. Closing my door I begin to walk down the long, wide hallway. Though the house has got to be several hundred years old, it is surprisingly bright and cheery. His mom has done a great job of marrying the past with the present. Because they are both important, the modern details don’t supersede the history of the home. A home cannot live without its past and cannot thrive without a future.

  The hall leads to a large sitting room where enormous ceiling to floor windows line one of the walls. Out of the windows I can see the expansive green lawns and a historic
stable in the distance. The room is massive in size yet the oversized down furnishings, placed in quaint little seating arrangements, allow the room to feel smaller than it actually is. Another large fireplace is the focal point to the room, giving the expansive room a feeling of warmth and coziness. Huge framed oil paintings depicting another era of time hang above the fireplace and line the walls with pride of where they came from.

  Continuing down another long hall, it takes me to a room I have always dreamed of having. The warm tones to the room blend perfectly with all the books lining the entire length and width of the walls. The plush fabric and deep, rich colors of the furniture allow someone a perfect reading environment. A large fireplace is in this room also, but the mantle is done with a natural dark wood stain. Silver and china tea sets are placed perfectly on a soft, oversized ottoman, inviting the room’s inhabitants to have a cup of tea while they read their favorite book.

  I proceed to the large couch, sitting down and listening to the sounds around me. In the distance I can hear the laughing shrills of Callum and Olivia’s friends. Their cheers of excitement echo down the hall and push through the library. As I sit here listening I am reminded just how different I am from them. The immature giggles and overacting is not part of my world anymore. Though I am the same age or even younger than some of them, my mind is now on a very different level. I am not looking for a one night stand, but someone who will stand with me. A sense of longing washes over me. Fighting my instinct to give in to the loneliness I get up and proceed down another, narrower hall.