Her Dearest Sin

by Gayle Wilson

  “He has also told me that since the crown has already awarded your guardian your father’s lands and titles, you feel he will now be willing to let you go.”

  It seemed, then, that Sebastian had talked about her situation at some length. She could only wish she had had the opportunity for such an open discussion with him before she’d been summoned here.

  “I can’t see why he would continue to pursue me, given that those attributes were what attracted him in the first place.”

  There was again a slight movement at the corners of the earl’s expressive lips. “You will, I hope, allow me to be somewhat skeptical of that claim.”

  “You may be whatever you wish, Lord Dare. I assure you that I am only speaking the truth.”

  “You must be aware that you are a very beautiful woman, Doña Pilar. As the daughter of a grandee of Spain—”

  “My father is dead. Thanks to Bonaparte there are no longer grandees in Spain, not even my fiancé, despite the title he has stolen. I personally no longer have a title. And no possessions, not even the clothing I am wearing.”

  She had managed to keep all emotion out of her voice as she catalogued her lack of anything that might make Julián—or any other man—desire her.

  “And very becoming clothing it is,” the earl said.

  As she sometimes had with his brother, she believed that she detected amusement hidden beneath those seemingly commonplace words. An amusement directed at her.

  “Thank you. It belongs to your sister-in-law.”

  “I’m not surprised. Anne has a generous and courageous heart.”

  Generous she would grant, but courageous? The word seemed out of place when used to describe the friendly and unassuming girl who had taken her under her wing. Not that she needed to be taken under anyone’s wing, Pilar thought. And perhaps it was time to make that clear.

  “I don’t believe Julián will come to England to find me, even if he knew where to look, so I wonder if I might impose upon you for…some advice.”

  “I should be delighted to be of service.”

  “I believe that I must seek some form of employment.”

  The statement obviously took the earl by surprise. His eyes had widened slightly, but the reaction was quickly controlled.

  “I assure you, Doña Pilar, that as long as you are under my protection, you shall never have to—”

  “But I do not wish to be under your protection, Lord Dare. Nor do I believe it is necessary. I thought I had made my reasons for that perfectly clear.”

  “The fact that you believe your guardian won’t come to England to seek you does not, surely, necessitate your seeking employment. Frankly, I fail to see the connection.”

  “There is none. Other than the reality that having brought nothing of value with me from Spain, I find I must now manage somehow to support myself.”

  “Usually,” the earl said softly, “one’s husband might be expected to provide that support.”

  It seemed Sebastian had held nothing back then in his recounting of their adventures. Obviously the earl was aware of the marriage that had taken place on the docks at Bordeaux.

  “Husband?” she said aloud, pleased with the inflection.

  “Sebastian. Or is he not your husband?”

  “There seemed to be some confusion as to which set of laws was in effect in France at the time. In any case, the man who performed that ceremony was not a priest.”

  “So you consider the marriage to be invalid?”

  “I have no idea about the legality of what occurred. All I can tell you is that it was not a mass.”

  She thought she had rather neatly avoided stating what she felt about that exchange of vows, but Sebastian’s brother seemed equally skilled at trying to pin her down.

  “And because of that, as far as you’re concerned, it was no marriage at all.”

  “As far as I’m concerned,” she said, again choosing her words with care, “your brother is free of any conjugal responsibility to me. That is, of course, why I mentioned seeking employment.”

  “And what sort of… employment did you have in mind, Doña Pilar?”

  This time she ignored his use of her title, as well as the ridiculous disappointment that had welled in her chest at his ready acceptance of her opinion concerning her marriage. Of course, that was surely what he had been hoping to hear. He was obviously relieved to be able to move on to a discussion about her future.

  “I had thought you might be willing to provide me with a recommendation to some friend who is in need of a governess,” she suggested, watching his expression to gauge his response. “I assure you that I have been very well educated, at least according to the standards applied to women in my country. My father had no sons, you see.”

  “So he had you tutored as if you were one? Sebastian mentioned your skill with a sword.”

  “My father instructed me in swordplay himself at the beginning of the war. When he joined the fight against the French, he was of necessity away from home for weeks at a time. Although there were always some of his men left behind to protect the estate, he felt that it was important that I could defend myself if the need ever arose. I am also considered to be quite a good shot,” she added.

  Perhaps if the earl understood she had not been the sheltered heiress he supposed her to be, he might be more willing to help her establish herself in some position away from his household.

  “Forgive what is surely unsolicited advice, but I don’t believe that is a talent one might wish to tout in applying for a position as governess,” Dare said.

  There was again that annoying thread of amusement in the warning.

  “I speak several languages,” she continued, choosing to ignore it. “My singing is merely passable, but I play the guitar with some skill. I was taught both drawing and watercolor. I believe an employer would find no fault with my mastery of those. Perhaps my needlework does leave something to be desired, but I’m sure—”

  She stopped because the amusement she had heard in his voice was now clearly in his eyes. He was laughing at her. And he was no longer making any attempt to hide it.

  “You think me ridiculous,” she said.

  “You would be surprised at what I think about you, Doña Pilar. Do you really wish to teach someone else’s brats to watercolor while you correct their French verbs?”

  “There are worse things.” And I have experienced most of them. She didn’t say that, but perhaps it was implied by her tone.

  The amusement was suddenly wiped from his face. His lips pursed as the blue eyes, so much like Sebastian’s that they made her heart ache, became speculative.

  “If you are determined to care for children, may I suggest then that you begin with mine.”

  “Yours? I wasn’t aware… Or are you referring to the child that the countess…?” She paused, uncertain how to finish that statement without seeming indelicate.

  “My firstborn. I confess to being particular as to who shall care for him. Or her,” he added as an afterthought.

  “Here?” she asked.

  “And at Sinclair Hall. The household alternates between the two.”

  The household. Which would include—

  “I think it might be better for all concerned,” she said, “if you would refer me to some friend.”

  “Indeed? May I ask why you aren’t interested in entering my employ? I rather fancy my son having a governess who is considered to be ‘a good shot.’”

  “You are making fun of me,” she said, feeling blood rush into her cheeks, a combination of anger and humiliation.

  “I am simply offering you what you profess to want—a situation as a governess. I don’t see why that shouldn’t be here.”

  Because I am in love with your brother, who married me, by his own admission, only because there was no other alternative.

  “Forgive me, Lord Dare, but I find I would really prefer another position.” Any other position.

  “Will you tell me why?”


  For a moment she could not think of a single reasonable explanation for that preference. And then she had an inspiration. Something he surely must recognize as logical.

  “If my guardian were to look for me, it would seem the likeliest place for him to do so…” She paused dramatically.

  “Would be with Sebastian,” he finished for her.

  She nodded, relieved that he had made that lie so easy.

  “I don’t think that will be a problem,” the earl said, destroying that relief. “After all, my brother is of an age now when he will surely wish to settle down and establish his own household. Since there are several quite suitable family properties he may chose from, I doubt he will be under foot much longer.”

  Settle down and establish his own household. That seemed to imply the earl believed Sebastian would wish to marry soon. And that might prove somewhat awkward, she thought with a spurt of anger, since he already possessed a wife.

  “I am simply concerned about his safety should Julián try to find me,” she said aloud.

  “Oh, I quite understand,” the earl said. “And your solicitousness of my brother’s safety is quite commendable, of course. There is, however, the remaining problem of your marriage.”

  “I told you—”

  “I understand your objections on religious grounds, Doña Pilar. I’m uncertain, however, as to the legal and moral implications of what occurred in France. You did exchange vows, after all. The minister was ordained by some religion, if not your own. And yours is a religion Sebastian does not share.”

  “Are you saying that he…that Sebastian considers our marriage to be binding?”

  “I should think that question might better be addressed to my brother.”

  “Then may I ask, my lord, why you and I are discussing it?” she asked in exasperation.

  He smiled at her, his lips slanting quickly upward in what appeared to be genuine amusement rather than the mockery she had sensed before. His next words confirmed that impression.

  “Forgive me. I am too accustomed to looking after the interests of my brothers. An unfortunate habit for which Ian, the most patient of men, has recently taken me quite sternly to task. Perhaps I am again overstepping my bounds as head of the family.”

  She said nothing, assessing the sincerity within those blue eyes. It seemed that perhaps a hint of mockery did linger there.

  “I would be very grateful if you would apprise me of Sebastian’s response to your question when he has had a chance to make one.” He lifted his hands, palms upward, in a gesture of what was perhaps resignation. “When that has been ascertained, then we may proceed, I suppose. It may be that, no matter how indifferent both of you are to the significance of the ceremony that took place in France, there remain some troublesome legal problems that will have to be resolved. With your permission, I shall try to determine if that is the case.”

  He didn’t give a tinker’s damn about her permission, and she knew it. The Earl of Dare was used to having his own way. The problem was that she was not perfectly sure in this instance exactly what his way was.

  She had come to this interview believing he was concerned about getting rid of her with the least amount of trouble for the Sinclairs. Now he seemed to be implying that even if she didn’t consider the vows they had spoken to be binding, it was possible Sebastian did. She wondered how he might have gotten that impression.

  “There will be time enough, I believe,” Dare continued, “when all of that has been settled to everyone’s satisfaction to think about your…employment. Until then, you will have to make do with my hospitality, I’m afraid.”

  “Lord Dare—” she began to protest, although she couldn’t imagine what alternative she might have.

  “And, so that your stay with us will be more enjoyable, I shall endeavor to see that my servants are trained to the perfection of those within your father’s household,” he added. “Unless you might be willing, while you’re awaiting the outcome of my inquiries about your marital situation, to undertake that task.”

  There was no way he could have heard her comment last night. And those who had heard it should have had no reason to pass it on to him. Obviously, however, someone had.

  “As the alternative to singing for my supper, perhaps?”

  “Since your singing is, as I recall, only passable…” One dark brow lifted in inquiry.

  “I should think it would be to your advantage to allow me to leave as soon as possible.”

  “I can’t imagine why.”

  “And I can’t imagine why you would wish to keep me here.”

  “As the head of this family, I feel it incumbent upon me to see to the needs of its members.”

  “Sebastian—”

  “And since you are, at least temporarily, a member of my family,” he went on as if she hadn’t attempted to speak, “it seems incumbent upon me to also see to yours.”

  And since you are a member of my family.

  The words were more appealing than she wanted to admit. After her father’s death, she had lacked any sort of family bond. Certainly no one could classify the relationship she and Julián shared as familial.

  “Whether I wish you to or not. Is that what you’re saying?”

  “Believe me, my brothers frequently wish I would refrain from attempting to see to their best interests. I’m sure they will tell you that those wishes have yet to deter me,” he said, smiling at her.

  “In any case,” he went on, “I’m sure my inquiries will take no more than a few days. I hope you will be able to endure the Sinclair hospitality that long. And if at the end of that time you still feel so strongly that you need to get away, I promise I shall not only not stand in your way, I shall try to speed you along it.”

  “May I have your word on that?” she asked.

  “Do you need it?”

  “Yes, my lord, I believe I do.”

  “Then you have it, of course,” he said, getting to his feet.

  She took that to mean that the interview was at an end. And all in all, she didn’t feel that she had acquitted herself too badly. She rose, also, and this time she gave him her hand. He touched his lips to the back of it, and when he straightened, his eyes found hers.

  “Be warned that we don’t take marriage lightly in this family,” he said. “Nor do we take it for granted. May I suggest that you have a frank discussion with Sebastian as to his feelings about yours.”

  “You are quite free to suggest whatever you wish, of course.”

  She made no promise to act on that suggestion. She would talk to Sebastian, but she didn’t want it to appear that their discussion had come about because the Earl of Dare had decreed it. The earl laughed, his eyes softening in exactly the same way she had noticed that his brother’s sometimes did.

  “I have in the past called into question Sebastian’s judgment,” he said. “I have actually accused him of acting out of impulse rather than reason. I believe, Doña Pilar, that you may prove me wrong.”

  She wasn’t sure what he expected her to say to that, and so she said nothing. She inclined her head instead, and then she turned on her heel and beat a retreat across the colorful expanse of the Turkish carpet that covered the floor of his study. As she closed the door behind her, she could have sworn that she heard something that sounded suspiciously like laughter.

  Deciding that two could play at that game, she finally allowed her own smile. There was no doubt in her mind that, despite his position of power, she had given as good as she’d gotten. And if one could say that about a confrontation with the Earl of Dare, she decided, then one had achieved a victory indeed.

  “Your brother suggested that a frank discussion about our marriage might be in order,” she said.

  From her window upstairs, she had watched Sebastian enter the garden. Although his back was to her, she had had no doubt about her instantaneous identification. She would have recognized the proud set of his head and the breadth of those shoulders among a hundred men.
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  And he wasn’t among a hundred men, of course. He was quite alone. With this close-knit family, that seemed to be the exception rather than the rule. And something she should probably take advantage of, she had decided.

  Having made that decision, she had hurried down the stairs, finding her way to the back of the house as much by instinct as through any sense of the direction she should take. When she had opened the tall French door and had found him still alone, she had lifted her skirt and hurried across the lawn.

  He was standing in the shade of one of the massive oaks that towered over the manicured grounds, which were actually quite extensive for a house in town. He had turned as soon as she addressed him.

  “My brother suggested?” He repeated her opening words, the inflection rising in what sounded like disbelief.

  This was the first time since the palace reception that she had seen him arrayed in the attire of a proper English gentleman. The contrast between the hardened soldier who had smuggled her out of Spain and the elegant figure before her made him seem almost a stranger.

  “The earl,” she said. “He seems concerned about the legality of our…marriage.”

  With the phrasing there had been no other word she might use, but despite her quite open discussion with Dare, she was almost uncomfortable employing the term in a conversation with Sebastian.

  “I don’t believe the legality of our marriage is the proper concern of my brother,” he said.

  “He feels he has the right to make it his concern. It and anything else that affects this family.”

  “This doesn’t.”

  This? And then she realized that he meant the marriage.

  “He believes you will soon wish to set up your own household. Establish your own nursery,” she added, and wondered even as the words came out of her mouth, why she had brought up the subject of children. The earl had mentioned no nursery other than his own.

  “I wonder why he should be under that impression.”

  “Perhaps because it is the customary thing for a man of your age to do,” she said.

  He smiled, his lips relaxing for the first time. “I meant to question why he believes I’m about to do it.”