The Worst Case Scenario Cookery Club

by Chrissie Manby

  ‘Gosh,’ said a woman who had worked with Alex in London.

  ‘Have you tried this?’ Joe the wine merchant waggled a red wine bottle in her direction. She let him pour a slug into one of her glasses that was empty. So much for not mixing the colours of her liquor.

  ‘It’s a Cabernet Sauvignon from the Aconcagua,’ he said.

  Liz nodded knowledgeably. The Aconca-what?

  ‘Parker’s people gave it 93 points. I can understand why. It’s absolutely a Parker style wine. Big. Lots of oak. A bit too high in alcohol if you ask me. I’m sure it’s a winner though.’

  ‘Hmmm,’ Liz agreed. ‘And I can definitely taste blackcurrants.’

  Liz was finding that talking to Alex’s food- and wine-fanatic friends was getting easier by the minute. Or by the glass.

  ‘Yes,’ said Joe the wine buff. ‘There is a hint of blackcurrant in there, you’re right. Alex, your mate Chopper really knows her stuff.’

  Liz tipped her glass at Alex, who tipped his glass back at her. She went back to the wine conversation. The buff was explaining how the terroir in the Aconcagua made for a very different wine from those produced in the Maipo Valley. Liz nodded along but all the while she kept half an eye on Alex. Just as she was pretty sure that he was keeping half an eye on her in return.

  Joe was joined by a woman he knew.

  ‘Joe, it’s good to see you,’ she said.

  Joe introduced the woman to Liz.

  ‘This is Elle. She works as a sommelier in Exeter.’

  Liz raised her glass.

  ‘Oooh,’ said Elle. ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Cabernet Sauvignon from Chile,’ said Liz.

  ‘Lovely. Have you tried this Australian red?’

  Liz knocked back the Cab Sav so that Elle could fill her glass anew.

  Then Elle leaned in confidentially and told Joe and Liz, ‘Can you see how nervous Alex is tonight? As I understand it, there’s someone here who’s rather special to our mate Al and he’s desperate to make a move.’

  ‘Who is it?’ Joe asked.

  ‘Someone from his cooking class, I think.’

  Liz flicked her hair back. She glanced across at Alex. He was looking right at her. And yes, he did look nervous. Liz smiled at him then looked away in a classic flirting move.

  ‘Would you excuse me?’ she said to Joe and Elle before moving off in what she hoped was a mysterious sort of way. She gave Alex another discreet little smile as she passed him en route to the ladies’. He was into someone from his cooking class? As far as Liz knew, she was the only one from the cooking class who had made it to the party. Alex had seemed especially attentive. Was Liz about to experience the joy of passion with a younger man that Corinne swore was better than yoga for keeping trim?

  Liz examined her face in the mirror in the ladies’ room. Her make-up was still largely intact. Just a little bit of mascara slippage in the heat but she could soon touch that up with the wet wipes she carried in her handbag. She blotted her shiny nose with another layer of powder. She didn’t need to add any more blusher. Red wine always made her colour up. After two glasses, she had a natural glow, she decided. She puffed up her hair and added another slick of lip gloss. Her hair was sticking to her lips by the time she got back into the hall where the party was taking place, but that was soon remedied.

  Liz was looking good. She was having a wonderful time. She dared to give Alex a wink. He tugged at his collar. A sure sign of nerves. Yes, it was definitely her that he fancied. She was the mystery lady Alex’s friends were all talking about.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Liz met Bella and John by the buffet table.

  ‘Hello, lovelies.’ She gave them both a hug. ‘Isn’t this a fantastic party?’

  ‘It certainly is,’ said John.

  ‘The food’s amazing,’ said Bella.

  ‘Of course it is,’ said Liz. ‘With our chef in charge.’

  Bella sighed. ‘It’s not just the way to a man’s heart that’s through his stomach. Oh look! Mini beef Wellingtons.’

  ‘I’m having one of those,’ said John.

  John and Bella were filling their plates. Liz didn’t pick up a plate of her own straight away. She plucked a sausage on a stick straight from its serving plate. Naturally, it was no Sainsbury’s ready-cooked cocktail sausage. It was an artisan, organic cocktail sausage with a honey and mustard dip. Alex had carefully labelled everything on the table.

  Liz plonked her sausage in the dip and brought it to her mouth. She made sure she caught Alex’s eye before she bit into it.

  ‘Plate, Liz?’ John passed her a paper plate and napkin.

  ‘Oh yes, thank you.’ Liz delicately dabbed at her sticky lips.

  ‘We were just saying how much we’ve been enjoying the cookery class. I wish I’d started earlier. I’d never have let my wife do all the cooking if I’d known how much fun it was.’

  ‘You shouldn’t have let her do all the cooking anyway,’ said Liz.

  John looked a little taken aback. ‘But she said she liked to do it.’

  ‘I’m sure she did,’ said Bella, trying to stop a fight. ‘In our house, it was always Dad who was in the kitchen. He wouldn’t let Mum anywhere near the stove. He said she could curdle a sauce just by looking at it. I think I inherited her ability.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ said John. ‘You got the method for white sauce straight away. You have the knack.’

  ‘Alex seems to be having a good time,’ said Bella, changing the subject. ‘He’s got some very interesting friends. I was just talking to someone called Elle. She works as a sommelier.’

  ‘There are lots of people who work in the wine trade here,’ said Liz. ‘I’ve been getting a crash course in wine tasting. I had no idea there was such a difference between a Sauvignon and a Chardonnay.’

  ‘It’s hard to keep them apart in your head if you have too many in a row though,’ John responded.

  ‘I think I’ve got a talent for it,’ Liz pressed on. ‘Wine tasting. I suppose I didn’t know how good I was at differentiating grapes because I’d never actively compared them side by side before. What have you got there, Bella?’

  ‘Elderflower cordial. I’m on call. I don’t suppose I’ll get to be here long but it was so kind of Alex to invite us.’

  ‘John?’

  John let her take a sniff at the wine in his glass. He looked less happy when she took a big swig and noisily swilled it around her mouth.

  ‘Cabernet Sauvignon,’ she said.

  ‘Spot on,’ said John.

  ‘I’m good,’ said Liz. She took another sausage and looked for Alex so that the way she ate it wouldn’t be wasted. This time she circled the tip with her tongue.

  ‘Shall we sit down?’ Bella took Liz by the elbow. ‘I hate trying to eat standing up. Balancing a glass and a paper plate full of food is a sure-fire recipe for disaster.’

  ‘I’ve got pretty good balancing skills,’ said Liz, standing on one leg to prove it. She wobbled dramatically. ‘Only kidding,’ she said when she put the other foot back down. ‘I’m perfectly steady. Look.’

  John spotted a table and three chairs.

  ‘Shall we set ourselves up over there?’

  ‘Great idea,’ said Bella. ‘I’ll see if I can get hold of a jug of water, too.’

  ‘Now that’s a very good plan,’ said John.

  Liz was slightly annoyed by the choice of table. It was in a corner, obscured from the rest of the room by a large pillar. John insisted she take the seat against the wall, but that meant she couldn’t see around the pillar to keep an eye on what Alex was up to. How was she supposed to let him know it was all right to make his move if she couldn’t see him?

  ‘Are you having a good weekend, Liz?’ John asked. ‘What have you been up to today?’

  ‘I took my dog to his weight loss club,’ said Liz.

  ‘They have those for dogs?’

  ‘Yes, they do. It’s hard. I know I’ve overindulged him.’

  �
�It’s difficult not to overindulge,’ John agreed.

  ‘Hey!’ Liz saw Elle walking by. ‘Can we have a bit more of that Cab Sav?’

  Liz knew the lingo by now.

  ‘Of course,’ said Elle. She topped Liz up. John put his hand over his glass.

  ‘I’d better not,’ he said. ‘You can’t tolerate your alcohol so well when you’re my age. I think I started to lose my tolerance when I was about forty.’

  ‘I’ll have his then,’ said Liz, pushing an empty glass in Elle’s direction. Who had left the empty glass on the table? Liz didn’t care.

  Bella returned with not one but two bottles of water.

  ‘Here you go,’ she said to John and Liz. ‘Still or sparkling?’

  ‘I’m OK, thanks,’ said Liz. ‘I’ve already got two glasses on the go.’

  Bella poured out a glass of water for her regardless.

  ‘And would you like this?’ she pushed her plate of food towards Liz. ‘Maybe some of the bread? I can go and get myself some more.’

  ‘I don’t want any bread, thank you,’ said Liz.

  ‘It’s really nice,’ Bella pushed it upon her. ‘I think Alex made it himself.’

  ‘I liked it,’ John concurred. ‘You should try it, Liz. And a coffee? I really fancy a coffee right now. Shall I get one for you ladies too?’

  ‘I don’t drink coffee in the evening,’ said Liz.

  ‘Tea would probably work just as well,’ said Bella, with an urgent nod to John.

  ‘Tea with milk?’

  ‘Yep,’ Bella told him.

  ‘You can’t drink tea with milk any more,’ Liz told them. ‘Not ordinary milk anyway. Don’t you know how bad it is for you? You should read Brittney’s Bites.com. She’s my husband’s mistress. She does yoga and would never touch a sausage. Except Ian’s.’

  She waved her hand around to illustrate her point and knocked one of her wine glasses off the table in Bella’s direction. Fortunately, Bella was pretty quick on her feet and avoided the worst of the spill. However, in attempting to mop the mess up with an ineffectual paper party napkin, Liz only made matters worse. She knocked Bella’s glass of cordial over as well.

  ‘Oh bum,’ said Liz. ‘Let me get you a new one.’

  Liz stood up. Bella physically pressed her back down into her seat.

  ‘No, really,’ she said. ‘It’s OK. I don’t need any more. I don’t know about you, Liz, but I find it’s really easy to overdo it at a party like this where there’s so much delicious alcohol going round. Especially if you don’t eat before you come out and the only food on hand is party nibbles. I find I really need to line my stomach before I come out or else try to soak up what I’m drinking with some bread.’

  She pushed her plate of sandwiches towards Liz once again. Liz pushed it back. Why was Bella so insistent on passing her food over? Was it like at Waggy Weight Loss? Was Bella trying to snack vicariously?

  ‘Really, Bella,’ said Liz. ‘I’m trying to stay off the complex carbs.’

  ‘There are carbs in wine,’ said Bella.

  ‘Yes, but they’re not proper carbs, are they?’

  ‘I think you’ll find they are.’

  ‘Whatever they are, I need some more of them,’ said Liz.

  She got up from the table. Bella looked desperately to John.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Moments after Liz sashayed off in the direction of the dance floor, slopping wine from the one glass she hadn’t managed to knock over, Bella got a phone call.

  ‘I have to take this,’ she said to John.

  He was used to it by now. Besides, Bella wasn’t just taking a phone call in the way young people did – because she thought the caller might be more interesting than the person she was actually with – she had a good reason. Somebody somewhere needed her urgently. Bella’s presence could make the difference between freedom and a night in the cells, John now knew.

  Bella’s face dropped as the caller spoke to her. She nodded and made affirmative noises then, eventually, she told the caller, ‘I’ll be there right away.’

  She put the phone in her pocket and started to gather her things together. John helped her to put on her coat.

  ‘I’m needed at the station,’ she said.

  ‘Must be nice to be wanted all the time,’ said John.

  Bella rolled her eyes. ‘Sort of,’ she said. ‘I should have known I wouldn’t get to be here long. I haven’t even had a chance to try one of Alex’s desserts.’

  ‘I’ll make sure he saves you some,’ said John.

  ‘Thank you. Will you tell him I’m sorry for dashing off? I didn’t even have a chance to talk to him.’

  ‘I’ll let him know.’

  ‘And give him this?’

  Bella pulled a birthday card out of her handbag.

  ‘And will you keep an eye on you-know-who?’

  ‘Of course I will.’

  ‘She’s in quite a state. I get the impression there’s something going on with Liz today,’ said Bella. ‘Something upset her earlier, perhaps.’

  ‘Well, she’s going to be upset in the morning for sure, when she wakes up with a massive hangover.’

  ‘Try to get her to drink that tea,’ said Bella. ‘And some water. And eat some bread. I’ve got to go.’

  ‘You stop worrying, Bella. I’ll do my best.’ John waved her off. Alex was soon by his side.

  ‘Has Bella gone?’ he asked.

  John nodded.

  ‘Work,’ he said.

  ‘On a Saturday?’

  ‘I don’t think the local criminals take the weekend off,’ said John.

  ‘But why is she always on call?’

  ‘She must be very dedicated.’

  ‘There you are!’

  Alex and John were interrupted by Liz, who sashayed back towards them like she was auditioning for Strictly. She had a glass in each hand again. Both were full to the brim. None of those fancy wine-tasting portions for Liz. She handed one to Alex, who took it before it had a chance to spill. She toasted him.

  ‘To the birthday boy,’ she said.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, Mr President!’

  Liz did her best impression of Marilyn Monroe.

  ‘Just like the real thing,’ John said tactfully.

  ‘I’m even better than the real thing,’ Liz told Alex, keeping her eyes firmly on his.

  Alex gulped.

  ‘Let’s dance!’ said Liz.

  ‘Sure,’ said Alex. ‘Why not?’ Perhaps keeping Liz moving would prevent her from drinking any more wine.

  Liz took Alex by both hands and boogied him backwards onto the dance floor, to the whooping amusement of his mates. While Alex jigged awkwardly on the spot, Liz was soon in full on twerking mode. She rubbed herself against Alex’s thigh. She used him as a pole-dancing prop. She had the whole party watching and clapping. As far as she was concerned, she was definitely owning the dance floor. The alcohol had made Liz fearless.

  Alex had to grab both her hands to stop them from wandering. Liz moved in close.

  ‘I know,’ she said in a confidential sort of way.

  ‘Know what?’ asked Alex.

  ‘About your secret.’

  ‘You do?’ Alex didn’t like the sound of that.

  ‘Your mate Elle was talking about it and I just want you to know that I don’t mind. I’ve always liked you. You don’t have to worry about me.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Alex.

  ‘I don’t know what the others will think,’ Liz continued. ‘But it’s really none of their business, is it? If they disapprove, they disapprove. I don’t think they will though. John and Bella both seem like open-minded people. I can’t see how finding out would change their opinion of you.’

  ‘Do you really think so?’

  ‘Yes. They’ll probably be pleased that the cat’s out of the bag. I’ll bet you are …’

  The music slowed in tempo. Liz swayed closer and
closer.

  ‘You don’t have to worry about me, Alex, but if you need to keep it just between us for a little while longer, that’s fine too. I understand. You’re working as a teacher. Your reputation is important. When you’re teaching people to cook, you don’t want them to be looking at you and wondering if you’re fit to tell them what to do when your mind is so obviously elsewhere.’

  Liz pressed herself ever closer to Alex’s hairy chest.

  ‘No,’ said Liz. ‘It makes perfect sense that you should keep it quiet.’

  ‘I didn’t know what else I could do,’ Alex suddenly sighed. ‘People have expectations of their teachers, don’t they? You, Bella and John have paid a lot of money to attend my class.’

  ‘And it was worth every penny,’ said Liz. ‘For me. Though I can see why Bella might be miffed.’

  ‘You’re losing me now,’ said Alex.

  ‘If it makes it easier, I could always leave the class. That way you can’t possibly be accused of favouritism.’

  Though the music was still playing, Alex stopped dancing. He held Liz at arm’s length and asked her, ‘Liz, what exactly are we talking about here?’

  ‘Your feelings,’ said Liz, quite simply. ‘Your feelings for me. It’s OK. You can admit to them now. Elle told me you were falling for someone in your cookery class. I would never have dreamed it might be me.’

  Liz closed her eyes, waiting for a kiss. When she reopened them, after no kiss materialised, she said, ‘That’s because it isn’t me, is it?’

  Alex put his fingers to his temples and groaned.

  Leaving Alex in the middle of the dance floor, Liz blundered in the direction of the ladies’ again. Of course Alex didn’t fancy her. Of course not. Why would he when every time he saw her at the cooking course she was standing next to the serene beauty that was Bella? Next to Bella, Liz felt like a toad. Next to Bella she was an ancient, unattractive old lump of middle-aged woman. He wouldn’t fancy her in a million years! She stared at her reflection again. This time she didn’t think she’d nailed it. This time she could see all too clearly her shiny forehead, her open pores, the bright red cheeks that told her (and everybody else) that she’d had way too much to drink.