The Worst Case Scenario Cookery Club

by Chrissie Manby

  Though shortly after, Bella had to admit that she’d never heard of anyone being charged for criminal damage via the medium of cured meats.

  ‘What can we do?’

  ‘Well, it doesn’t look like the paintwork on the car was actually damaged after all,’ said Bella. ‘And I don’t think anyone really wants to take this any further – the CPS probably won’t – but the police have got to track down the owner of the Fiat to be sure. They couldn’t find him at the hotel.’

  ‘It’s a him?’

  ‘Yes. It’s possible that he was at a function there but left the car behind and got a taxi home having had a few drinks.’

  ‘I should have done the same,’ said Liz. ‘Oh, why didn’t I just wait for a cab?’

  ‘You wanted to get some air,’ said Bella. ‘I understand.’

  ‘Where did you learn to be so sympathetic?’ Liz asked.

  Bella shrugged. ‘Anyway, the police will probably have to go round to the car owner’s house to let him know what’s happening. I’m afraid it won’t be a priority. No one’s been hurt and it’s a Saturday night in Newbay so they’ll be tied up with lots of D and Ds.’

  ‘D and D?’

  ‘Drunk and disorderly. But they will get onto it as soon as they can. Now, shall I get you a warm drink? George Clooney wouldn’t be fighting anyone for the last espresso from the machine here but it’s really not that bad. The tea, however, is appalling.’

  ‘I don’t normally drink coffee at night,’ said Liz.

  ‘Ah yes. I remember.’ Bella referenced the party.

  ‘But I suppose I’m not going to be getting much sleep anyway.’

  Bella nodded. ‘It can get quite noisy on a Saturday, I’m afraid.’

  ‘Then I’ll have a coffee. So this is where you come when you get called away from cookery class?’ Liz commented.

  ‘It’s like a home from home.’

  ‘It must be a very interesting job,’ said Liz.

  ‘It can be. Though I have to say, Liz, I don’t think I’ve ever been asked to attend as interesting an arrest as yours.’

  Bella brought Liz a coffee, which was far more awful than Liz had expected. Bella had obviously become inured to the muck served in the police station canteen through spending too many nights there.

  ‘It might help me sober up a bit,’ Liz suggested. ‘Why didn’t anyone stop me drinking so much at the party?’

  ‘We did try,’ said Bella. ‘But you were quite determined.’

  Now Liz remembered how Bella had kept shoving that plate of bread under her nose and the water and the cup of tea that John had gone to fetch. And that was swiftly followed by another very clear picture of Alex’s face when he realised that Liz believed he fancied her. What had he thought Liz was talking about up until that point? For a while, he’d looked quite pale and anxious.

  ‘Does Alex know I’m here?’ Liz asked.

  ‘I certainly haven’t told him,’ Bella replied.

  Once Liz had her coffee, Bella left her alone for a while. She had paperwork to do and calls to make on behalf of several of the poor unfortunates who’d found themselves in the cells that night. Before she left though, she promised Liz she would do her very best to make sure that Liz got to wake up in her own bed.

  ‘I don’t think I’ll have any trouble arguing that you’re not a danger to the public.’

  Bella also said that she would telephone Ian and ask him to go round to Liz’s house and check on Ted.

  ‘He’ll be wondering where I’ve got to,’ Liz said. ‘Poor Ted.’

  Without Bella to talk to and help keep her spirits up, Liz quickly went into a decline. The effects of the alcohol she’d had to drink at Alex’s party were definitely wearing off, leaving behind the beginnings of the mother of all hangovers. So much for biodynamic wines being less likely to give you a headache. By one in the morning, Liz felt as though the world clog-dancing championship was taking place inside her skull.

  And she was starting to worry. Bella had done her best to keep Liz calm, assuring her that her previously clean record, impeccable character and the fact that no one had really been hurt by the ‘crime’ would all work in her favour. She’d almost certainly get away with a caution. Liz was looking on the dark side though. When she shoved the tin foil tray under the windscreen wiper, she’d snapped it. That was proper criminal damage. And what if Brittney went through with her threat to have Liz charged for harassment?

  Liz imagined Ian turning up at her house and scooping poor worried Ted into his arms. He’d have to take him back to Exeter – to Brittney’s flat full of cream carpets – along with Saskia. Maybe he and Saskia were right now packing her a suitcase full of the things she would need for an extended stay chez Brittney while Liz was in the slammer? Even if Liz didn’t end up in jail, would Ian use this incident against her when it came to their ongoing divorce? Would he say that Liz was an unfit mother and sue for full custody of their not so little girl? Then she really would be Brittney’s Darling SD.

  By half past one, Liz had convinced herself that her life was in absolute ruins. She had already lost her husband. Now, with her new criminal record, she would lose her daughter, her job, her income, her home, and her dog! Brittney Blaine would have it all while Liz ended up living under Newbay pier with the gang of homeless people who gathered there every evening, drinking Strongbow and eating out of wheelie bins. If she wasn’t living in a prison cell.

  As the night wore on, more and more people were brought in to the station in various states of inebriation and distress. Some of them protested noisily. They shouted and sang and banged things against the cell doors and walls. There was no way Liz would have been able to sleep even if she weren’t being kept awake by feeling so frightened.

  All she’d ever wanted was to have a happy family life. How had it all gone so wrong? She had failed in so many ways. Her husband had stopped loving her. Her daughter accused her of not caring enough to feed her properly. Her dog was in emergency measures because he was overweight. And now Liz was in a police cell. Turned out Liz Chandler was just no good at being a grown-up at all.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Of all the people Alex had expected to stay at the party until the very end, he had not expected it to be his beginners’ cookery course student John. How old was John? He must be in his mid-seventies at least. And yet long after everyone else had gone – they said they’d meet Alex at a club later – John was still there. He offered to help clear up.

  ‘I’ve got nothing to rush home for,’ he said.

  ‘It must be hard,’ said Alex. ‘I mean, it must take some getting used to, not having someone to go back for when you’ve been together for so long.’

  ‘More than fifty years,’ John confirmed.

  ‘Wow. It’s hard to imagine even knowing anyone that long.’

  ‘We met when we were not much more than kids.’

  ‘How did you meet?’ Alex asked as he handed John a roll of cling film with which to wrap up the spare food. Meanwhile, Alex was going to gather the empty bottles into a box for recycling.

  ‘I was twenty,’ John said. ‘Living in Hertfordshire. I’d just started working at the new comprehensive – well, it was new then – that opened up on the edge of town. It was my first job out of teacher training college. I’d got my first pay packet and I decided I was going to celebrate. So me and a couple of my mates went to a dance at the town hall. Our town didn’t really have any nightclubs then and the hotels were only for residents.’

  Alex paused. The bottles, as he put them in the box, were making a horrible noise that made it hard to hear John talking. Alex decided it was worth hearing this story. He sat down on the edge of the table. John stopped what he was doing too.

  ‘So you went to the dance …’ Alex prompted him.

  ‘Yes. Wearing my new suit. And a pair of shoes with pointy toes – winkle pickers – that were very fashionable but which were killing me by the time the dance started.’

  ‘W
ere you a mod?’ Alex asked.

  ‘I was trying to be. I was never slim enough to pull it off.’

  ‘Nah! I bet you looked great,’ said Alex.

  ‘I thought so, even though all I wanted to do was take those shoes off and stick my feet in a bucket of ice water.’

  ‘So what happened next?’

  ‘I was standing at the bar, waiting to be served. It had just got to my turn when this pushy girl shoved her way through and tried to catch the barman’s attention ahead of me. I didn’t stand a chance. I was going to point out to her that I’d been waiting for a while, when she turned to ask her friend what she was having and I turned too and there she was.’

  Alex nodded to encourage John to carry on.

  ‘It was Sonia. The woman who would become my wife. I just saw her face and I knew. I must have been gawping, because Sonia’s pushy friend said to me, “Are you all right? You look like you’re having a funny turn.” Not exactly the pose I was going for.’

  John chuckled.

  ‘Anyway, somehow, I ended up buying drinks for Sonia, her pushy friend – who was called Esther – and their other mate Joyce. That pretty much wiped out my evening’s budget. I’d have to stick to water from then on. But it was worth it. Because I’d bought them a drink, Esther and Joyce were immediately on my side. They encouraged Sonia to dance with me. She said she didn’t want to. She had two left feet. I should dance with Esther instead, she said.

  ‘But I didn’t care if Sonia had three left feet. By the time we stepped out onto the floor to the opening strains of Ray Charles, “I Can’t Stop Loving You”, I was already smitten. I was sure I’d never stop loving Sonia Squires. By the time the band brought the evening to a close with Acker Bilk’s “Strangers On The Shore”, I had asked Sonia to marry me.’

  ‘You what?’

  ‘That’s what she said. I’d only meant to ask if I could see her again, that was all, but my subconscious must have taken over. Luckily she said she wouldn’t hold me to it but she did agree to go with me to the pictures the following week.

  ‘I asked her to marry me for real six months after we met. Mum let me have her engagement ring for the proposal. I promised I’d get Sonia a ring of her own later on but first we had to save for a deposit on a house and the wedding.

  ‘It took almost three years to get enough cash together. By then, Sonia was working at Sainsbury’s. She joined the supermarket’s trainee management team and was able to put quite a bit by. She went up to London to buy her wedding dress. It was like Princess Margaret’s from her marriage to Antony Armstrong-Jones, only the skirt and the train weren’t quite so voluminous.

  ‘We were married on a beautiful June day at the church where Sonia was christened. Esther and Joyce were the bridesmaids. It was the happiest day of my life.’

  ‘And you just knew the moment you saw her?’

  ‘I did.’

  ‘That sounds like a fairy tale.’

  ‘I know. I never would have thought it possible to fall in love so quickly.’

  ‘Me neither, until three weeks ago.’

  John gave Alex a sly grin.

  ‘You like our Bella, don’t you?’

  ‘Is it obvious?’

  ‘Just a bit, lad. Just a bit.’

  Alex grimaced.

  ‘I can’t help it. She’s just so … so lovely. Every time I see her I want to break into a massive grin. Though it’s not just because she’s beautiful.’

  ‘That she is.’

  ‘She’s so intelligent. And funny. And she cares so much about her clients. Do you get that from talking to her?’

  ‘Yes, I do. She’s a rare sort.’

  ‘She makes me feel all warm inside.’

  ‘I felt that about Sonia. But I think the feeling’s mutual with you and Bella, don’t you?’ said John.

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘You’re both cow-eyed when you’re in the same room.’

  Alex grinned.

  ‘You’ve been like that from the first class. Oh, and she brought you a birthday card.’

  An even bigger smile spread across Alex’s face as he opened it.

  ‘Did she put kisses after her name?’

  Alex confirmed that she had.

  ‘You should just ask her out,’ said John firmly.

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Why? Because of the course? Are you not allowed to fraternise with your students? We’re all adults, aren’t we? It’s not like being at school.’

  ‘I know but …’

  ‘Well, you don’t have too long before the course is finished, I suppose.’

  ‘No, it’s not that.’

  ‘Then what is it? Faint heart never won fair lady.’

  ‘I’m not afraid of asking her out, John. I’m afraid of what might happen if she says yes.’

  ‘You’d go on a date and fall madly in love.’

  ‘So we fall in love and then she finds out all about me … That’s when the trouble starts.’

  ‘Nonsense. With Sonia, I found that the more I knew about her the more I loved her. And she said it was the same for her too. When you love someone, you don’t mind about those little quirks that would drive you mad in someone you didn’t like. Sonia had this habit of shoving tissues up her sleeve. They used to fall out all over the house. Worse was when they were still in her sleeve when she shoved her jumper into the washing machine and then everything came out covered in bits of tissue.’

  ‘I’m not talking about something like that,’ said Alex.

  ‘Then what are you talking about? Seems to me like you’re making excuses. Are you worried about not having enough money? Nobody’s got enough money these days, Alex. You just get together and start working on saving up as a couple.’

  ‘John,’ Alex shook his head. ‘I’m grateful for the pep talk but the skeletons I’ve got in the cupboard are far too big to be put before a woman like Bella.’

  ‘Try me,’ said John.

  Alex took a deep breath.

  ‘I’ve spent some time inside.’

  John squinted just a little, as though it would help him more easily understand what Alex was saying.

  ‘I mean I was in prison,’ Alex clarified.

  ‘How?’ John asked. Then, ‘Why?’

  ‘It’s the classic story of teenage rebellion. I had a great family but I fell in with the wrong crowd. I wasn’t academic and I struggled at school so I got through by hanging out with the cool kids and pretending I didn’t care if I didn’t get any qualifications. I got my validation from them. I did stupid stuff to make them laugh. Pranks. Vandalism.’

  John winced.

  ‘Shoplifting. Underage drinking. Smoking. Smoking weed. The more risks I took, the more they respected me. So I took bigger risks. You know how it goes.’

  ‘I’ve seen it happen,’ said John.

  ‘Of course. You were a teacher,’ Alex said. ‘But then I got a reputation outside school too and I suppose you could say I was groomed by some really hard nuts. Adults. They had me do them a few favours. They paid me far more than my mates were getting for their Saturday jobs. I was flattered and I was an idiot. It seemed like a game. I was having a ball. I never thought I’d get caught. But I was and I ended up doing time.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘For handling stolen goods. TVs, laptops …’

  ‘And you went to prison for that?’

  ‘I did. I was eighteen. I got six months.’

  Alex’s shoulders slumped at the memory. He exhaled loudly.

  ‘What was it like?’ John asked.

  ‘Not quite the holiday camp the Daily Mail would have you believe.’

  ‘I don’t imagine it was.’

  ‘But it was exactly what I needed. I worked in the canteen and that turned out to be the thing that saved me. Finding my passion.’

  ‘Your melanzane parmigiana doesn’t taste like prison food,’ said John.

  ‘I should hope not.’

  ‘It must have been har
d,’ said John. ‘Being so young.’

  ‘I only had myself to blame. Anyway, I learned my lesson pretty fast and I was determined I was never going back. But even though I only got six months, the repercussions were endless. It changed so much. When I came out, my family were great but I couldn’t stay in London. There were too many people I had to avoid. And I couldn’t get a job. At least not where I’d grown up and people thought they knew my story.’

  John nodded.

  ‘I had to get away so I moved to Exeter and got taken on by a voluntary scheme that helps ex-offenders. My liaison – Marianne – got me an in at one of the hotels, working as a washer-upper to begin with. I ended up cooking there for a couple of years. After that, it was easier to get the next job and the next. Marianne’s remained a friend. She put me in touch with the woman who runs this place, just as the guy who was supposed to be running the beginners’ cookery course dropped out. That felt like serendipity.’

  ‘You’ve got luck on your side,’ John agreed.

  ‘I hope so. As I look back on it, I can see that even when my life looked like it was going really wrong – like when I got arrested – it always turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I’ve certainly been lucky when it comes to meeting people willing to give me a second chance here in Devon. But you can see why I can’t ask Bella to go out with me. I’ve got a criminal record. And she’s a flippin’ solicitor. She spends her life getting people like me out of trouble. She doesn’t want to date an ex-offender.’

  ‘Why don’t you give her a chance to decide?’ John asked. ‘It’s a long time since you were inside, Alex.’

  ‘Twelve years,’ Alex said.

  ‘You were a kid. You made a mistake and you paid for it. There’s plenty of kids who go off the rails. You had the misfortune to get caught.’

  ‘God knows what I would have done next if I hadn’t been.’

  ‘It doesn’t bear thinking about. But the fact is, you didn’t end up going down that road. You did your time and you’ve kept your nose clean since.’

  ‘I have.’