Waiting for Autumn

by DeRouen, J. A.

  With Autumn’s frosty wisps of blonde hair and Aria’s bouncing brown curls, they almost don’t go together. But closer examination reveals matching button noses, and I swear their smiles are identical, although I haven’t seen much of Aria’s yet. My dark hair and eyes just might connect the dots of this family, and I feel a stab of longing at the thought. Brady’s right, Aria is a perfect combination of Autumn and me. But hair and eyes are the easy part—that’s just genetics. I’ve got a long way to go in winning my daughter’s heart.

  I do my best to tamp down the flood of irritation that follows. Yearning and indignation—these two emotions make strange bedfellows in my mind these days. I brush it all away and watch my daughter eye the goodie counter with wonder.

  I’ve been antsy, waiting for them to show up, but seeing them has done nothing to calm my nerves. I texted Autumn last night after I left and asked her to stop by the shop for breakfast. I’ve missed so many firsts in Aria’s life. Today’s her first day of school, and I want to grab onto this moment as a balm for everything I’ve missed before it.

  As she climbs up onto a stool, I ready the plate I’ve set aside special, just for her. I place the banana nut muffin in front of Aria, candle flickering in celebration. I nearly pat myself on the back for a job well done, finding a candle on such short notice to celebrate the day. That is, until I notice Aria suspiciously eyeing said muffin with a scowl.

  “It’s not my birfday,” she states matter-of-factly with a shake of her head. Her curls fall over her shoulder, and she brushes them away in irritation. She’s a little tipsy in her chair due to the puffy backpack strapped to her shoulders. I guess Autumn decided to pick her battles this morning, and stuffed animals didn’t make the list.

  “Well … no. But it’s your first day of school, and that’s a really big day.” She squints at me and continues to frown. I grasp at straws. “The candle is pink. You love pink, right?”

  Autumn clears her throat to catch my attention and gives me a pained look. The hand she’s got gripping her neck makes a claw-like gesture. “Meow … remember?”

  “I remember,” I say through clenched teeth. She’s trying to be supportive, but the pessimist in me hears condescension.

  “What do you ‘member now?” Aria eyes me expectantly, the candle on her muffin already blown out. Between the nerves and Autumn’s catcalls, I’ve missed it.

  But for the first time, Aria’s got all of her attention focused on me. I can’t screw this one up.

  “I remember…” I search for something to say, but Aria loses interest quickly. Her gaze darts away from me, and I’ve been dismissed.

  “Hey, can I see your pictures?”

  “Sure, short stuff,” Lexi says from behind me. She hip bumps me out of the way and outstretches her arms for Aria’s perusal.

  “Whoa.” Her eyes grow big and her lips round into a surprised “O” as she runs a finger over Lexi’s arm art.

  Her Wonderland tattoos are mostly black and white with the faintest tint of color throughout. She’s been adding to it for years, and there’s not a spare spot on either arm, wrist to shoulder.

  Aria gasps and points to this quasi-hidden sharp-toothed grin and iridescent eyes. “I know him! That’s the Cheshire Cat!”

  Lexi laughs and taps Aria’s nose. “It is. Do you like Alice in Wonderland?”

  She nods, eyes wide in wonder. “You drawed this?”

  “Well no, I didn’t draw those, but I could draw them.” Lexi leans over the counter and whispers in her ear. “Do you want me to draw a picture of Chessy for you?”

  “Yes!” she squeals and puts her hands over her mouth to squelch her excited giggle. “And I have colors in my backpack. Momma, get my colors for the lady.”

  Aria scoots farther up in her seat to allow Autumn to grab a zipper pouch from her book bag while Lexi grabs paper from under the register.

  “You know,” I say to Aria, tapping the counter to get her attention. “I helped Lexi pick out a lot of those pictures on her arms.”

  She stares at me for half of an awkward second and then refocuses her attention on Lexi as she approaches. She oohs and ahs over Lexi’s drawing as I disappear into the background. Every part of me wants to fast forward my way into Aria’s life, and I feel so helpless at making it happen. My mind knows this is only the second time we’ve met, but my heart says, “See me! Hear me! Love me!”

  Damn my starving, needy heart …

  Muffin demolished, and her new drawing carefully tucked into her book sack, Aria and Autumn ready themselves to leave for their first day of school. I come around the front of the counter and shove my hands into my jean pockets. The eager part of me wants to ask, but my hopeful side wishes Autumn would offer.

  Do you wanna come with me to drop her off for her first day?

  YES, YES, YES.

  But I don’t ask—I can’t. As much as I want to, I can’t shove open the door and insert myself into every part of their lives.

  I’ll be patient. I’ll try to be content with peeking through the crack in the door and waiting to be invited in. I may spontaneously combust in the meantime, but I know it’ll be that much sweeter in the end.

  I crouch down to Aria’s level and rack my brain for sage advice like what I offer Isaac. Well, maybe not exactly like that…

  “Never trust boys who want to sit next to you in the lunchroom. Or the library. You know what, it’s probably a good idea to beware of all boys, okay?”

  Blank stare.

  “Okay,” she says, looking confused. With that, she turns on her glittered Converse-covered heel and heads for the door.

  The sympathy in Autumn’s smile doesn’t help a bit as she hesitates for a moment then follows after Aria. My shoulders slump in defeat as I offer them both a silent wave. I place my hands on my knees to stand and come face to face with Lexi’s irritated scowl.

  “Stop acting so fucking weird.”

  I release the long-suffering sigh that’s been building up inside of me. I’m not in the mood for her shit right now.

  “Lexi, just this once, I need you to give me a break. That little girl?” I point to the door Aria just skipped through. “She’s my daughter.”

  I wait for surprise to wash over her face, maybe some well-placed expletives, but she only rolls her eyes.

  “Uh, I got that Einstein, but it doesn’t mean you have to act like a weirdo. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. She thought I was awesome. You should follow my lead.”

  “Trust you? You eat kittens and babies for breakfast. I can’t think of anyone less qualified to coach me into my daughter’s life.”

  “Do you remember Mr. Beglio’s Yorkie, Puddles? Mr. B would read for hours at the outside table by the entrance, and that damn dog would growl at every single person who passed. People tried to pet him, give him treats—didn’t matter. Dog was fricking Cujo in Jiminy Cricket’s body. Except for me. Know why?”

  “Why the hell does everyone keep comparing my daughter to animals?” I tip my head and squeeze the bridge of my nose, searching for the tiniest bit of patience.

  “Because both children and animals can smell two things—fear and fucktard. And forgive me for saying it, but you’ve got both going on times … like a hundred.”

  I groan in frustration but can’t really argue.

  “I was a fucktard, wasn’t I?” I plop down onto a stool and bury my head in my hands. “I’m usually a hit with the ladies, but a four-year-old girl? I’m completely clueless.”

  While I wallow, Lexi slides a warm blueberry biscuit onto the counter and hands me a fork.

  “So, Puddles.” She pours a thin ribbon of honey onto the top of my biscuit, and I bristle at the conversation change. “Down boy. Anyway, while everyone else showered that little shit with attention, I basically ignored him. I’d say hello when he got there and walk away before he had a chance to get grumpy. While waiting on the surrounding tables, I’d drop a little something-something on the ground next to him. Bacon, c
innamon roll, … pot brownie.”

  My eyes dart up to meet hers, and she laughs.

  “Just kidding about the last one,” she says in a less-than-believable tone, then pops her honey-laden finger into her mouth.

  “So you’re telling me I should win over Aria with pig, sugar, and drugs?”

  “Ugh! Do I have to spell everything out for you? You win her over by not trying so hard. Tone down the pushy and let her come to you. At this point, you reek of desperation.” Lexi fans her nose and scowls.

  I roll my eyes.

  “Thanks,” I mutter as I stab the biscuit with my fork. The burst of sweetness explodes on my tongue as the buttery biscuit melts in my mouth. “If you’re going to call me hopeless, at least you sugar-coated it. This biscuit is delicious, Lexi.”

  “I know, of course it is, but back to the matter at hand. This is what you need to do.” Lexi holds up a finger. “Number one, don’t try to impress her. It won’t work.”

  I open my mouth to argue, but Lexi silences me with her finger. “Trust me. Just play it cool. Number two, you can give her small treats, but don’t make a big deal out of it. Like, just for example, lighting a candle and sticking it in said treat.”

  Damn.

  “All right, point taken. No candles.”

  “And nothing extravagant. That’ll just piss off the mom, and then you’re really screwed.”

  “Autumn, her name is Autumn,” I growl, and Lexi lifts her eyebrows in surprise.

  “Ooh, I’ll have to investigate that response a little more. But later. Number three … and listen up because it’s the most important rule of all. Whatever you say you’ll do, wherever you say you’ll be, do it … be there. Don’t let her down, for fuck’s sake, or so help me, I’ll drug you with pot brownies, douse you with this honey, and leave you for dead in the nearest forest.”

  A cold shiver runs down my spine at the tone of Lexi’s voice … the chill in her eyes. I don’t think she’s joking, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear she’s speaking from experience.

  Do I actually know better? Has she … nah …

  I shrug off the eerie sensation and get back to the matter at hand. Getting the green light from the finicky Aria, my cat-like daughter.

  I will be standoffish, but available. I will shower her with gifts, but tiny ones that aren’t too showy. I will always, always follow through.

  “It sounds like I’m trying to land a girl.” I chuckle as I devour the last bite of my delicious biscuit.

  “You are trying to land a girl, dumbass. You’re trying to land the girl—the most important one.”

  Chapter 22

  Autumn

  Present Day

  Haven, LA

  Aria tugs my hand just before I open the door to the college’s elementary lab school. I motion to the front door, and she shies away. My brave girl looks timid this morning.

  It’s been one change after another for Aria over the past few days, and she’s taken it like a champ. She’s putting on a good show at the very least, but I wonder what’s going through her mind. New town. New home. New … Sebastian.

  And now a new school. Just one of those things is a lot to handle. All of them at once is like a steamroller in my little girl’s life.

  And not only is this a new school, but it’s actually Aria’s first year at big girl school. Between keeping my classes on Tuesdays/Thursdays most semesters and the help of my Aunt Dorothy, Aria was an infrequent visitor at Mommy & Me in Providence. Five days a week is a whole new ball game.

  I have a savings account with a meager balance set aside just for Aria. I’ve been putting away what I’m able to while repeating the mantra “every little bit helps.” Every teeny little bit. Only time will tell if the money will go toward college or therapy. Motherhood is hard. I’m ninety percent sure I’m doing it wrong fifty percent of the time.

  I crouch down and meet her doe eyes, both trusting and a teensy bit frightened. “What’s the matter, poppet?”

  She places both hands flat on my cheeks and widens her eyes. “I don’t know, Momma. I’ll go to school today, but what if I don’t like it? We can talk tonight, okay?”

  My negotiator. I lay my hands on top of hers, and she pushes on my cheeks until my lips pucker.

  “Aria, this is the best school in town. Momma’s already checked. The best teachers … best toys. And guess what? You won’t just have one teacher, you’ll have lots of them.”

  Neither my reasoning nor my strange fishy voice wins her over. I lean in and place a juicy kiss on her nose, and I’m rewarded with a well-earned giggle.

  “You’re going to have a fun day, I just know it. Okay?” I nod my head, hoping she’ll return the gesture.

  Instead, she scowls and wipes at her wet nose.

  “Can you at least show me the bafroom?”

  What am I going to do with this one?

  “Yes, Aria, we can check out the bathroom,” I say with a sigh, then mutter, “but I’m not putting up a fresh coat of paint or setting out potpourri if it doesn’t meet your standards.”

  Before she can argue, I whip out my phone and tap my head with hers.

  “First day of school pic for Uncle Bray?”

  “Bunny ears! Bunny ears!”

  “All right, all right.” I laugh as I bring up the filter.

  Aria pokes out her tongue while I make a mean bunny face, and it brushes away some of the nerves.

  I pull up Brady’s number and attach our silly photo with the message, Rockin’ the first day of school!

  My finger hovers over the send button, and I have the sudden urge to add Sebastian to the text.

  I’m not an idiot. I saw the look in his eyes when we left the coffee shop this morning. I know he wanted to come with us, and part of me longed to ask him. That girl who still wonders what if and how come wants to forge ahead and figure out what’s next. But the bigger part of me has spent the last four years protecting my daughter, and I’m still so unsure of what’s right for Aria.

  Of course, knowing her father and having a relationship with him is what’s right, but there’s something to be said for timing. I’m trying my best to balance Sebastian’s understandable anger and Aria’s fragile heart, and I feel as if I’m failing at both. As for my feelings, I’ve stowed that hot mess up on the highest shelf in my mind. Or at least I’m trying to.

  For now.

  Tired of overthinking every single thing, I add Seb to the text and hit send.

  “Come on, poppet,” I whisper, clasping her hand in mine and standing. “Let’s go meet your new friends.”

  * * *

  “How’d it go, little sister? Did you cry your eyes out? If you did, I expect photographic evidence.”

  “Don’t be a douchebag. It’s a big d-day.” My voice cracks on the last word, and Brady bursts out laughing.

  “I knew it! I knew you couldn’t hold it together. I can’t wait to tell Aunt Dorothy I won.”

  “Won what?”

  “Nothing, never mind. Now for the real question.” He clears his throat then pauses dramatically. “Was there a bathroom inspection?”

  I groan, and Brady starts up another bit of raucous laughter.

  “She’ll grow out of it, right? Tell me she’ll grow out of it. Wait, why am I asking you?”

  “You doubt my knowledge?”

  “I caught you trying to burp Aria when she was two years old, Brady. Yes, I doubt your knowledge.”

  “I was lovingly rubbing my niece’s back. That’s all you saw. I think your germ-addled brain, due to your daughter’s frequent public bathroom inspections, I might add, was confused.”

  “Shut up.”

  “Hands on your head. Hands on your head,” he chants in a girly voice.

  “Give me a break! If I have to visit every bathroom between here and Timbuktu, I at least need to keep her tiny mitts in check.”

  “Ah, ya know I’m just giving you a hard time. If it were me, I’d have scooped her up and brought her
for a banana split breakfast. No way I could have left her there,” he admits in his “aw shucks” voice.

  I turn on the car and set the AC to high, letting the cool air dry my damp eyes. I glance at my watch nervously. I’ve still got an hour before my first class but finding parking on campus can be tricky.

  “Saw you sent Seb the picture, too.” The words dangle between us as if he’s waiting for me to fill in the blanks.

  “Yeah.” I lean my head on the window and sigh. “This morning at the coffee shop was kind of a disaster. I mean, it wasn’t terrible or anything, but you know how Aria can be around new people.”

  “Uh, yeah. I swear that kid side-eyed me from the day she was born until at least six months old. Doesn’t give an inch, that one.”

  “She really took to the girl who works there, though. Lexi, I think her name is,” I say, and Brady scoffs.

  “Of course she did,” he mutters.

  “What does that mean?”

  Is there something going on between Sebastian and Lexi? The thought makes my insides roil. She’s gorgeous, edgy, sexy-as-hell … everything I’m not. I couldn’t blame him if she were his type these days.

  Oh yes, I could. I could blame him all damn day.

  “Never mind. Just give Aria some time. She’ll warm up. I mean, we’re talking about Seb here. He’s awesome. I’d love for him to be my dad.”

  “So, you’re all good with the ‘cut and run’ variety?” The words fly out of my mouth at light speed, and I wish I could snatch them back and keep them to myself. “Shit, sorry. That was uncalled for and only half the story. I know that. I do know that.”

  “Say it to me, Autumn. Say it to me so you won’t say it to him.”

  Just like Brady to push me to vent without taking a side. When your best friend and your sister are in opposition, Switzerland is the smartest approach. He may be trying to smooth things over, but his request is like waving a red flag at a raging bull. It’s all the provocation I need. I stamp my hoof and take off for the races.