Waiting for Autumn

by DeRouen, J. A.

  Shit, shit, shit.

  * * *

  “Shower accomplished without passing out or hurling, so maybe the worst is behind me?”

  Sebastian plops down onto the sofa next to me with more bounce than he’s had all day. I’ll take that as a good sign.

  He runs a hand over his face, his palm scratching the stubble of his beard. The sound draws my eyes to his mouth and my imagination to those full lips.

  What would it be like to kiss a man with a beard? No, that’s not the question on my mind. What would it be like to kiss a bearded Sebastian? Yes, that’s the one.

  Damn that man. Damn his gentle brown eyes and damp sexy hair. And definitely damn his sweet and flirty texts, because they were the beginning of the end for me. Out walked levelheaded, single mother Autumn, and in skipped swooning Autumn, batting her eyelashes and twirling her hair.

  Seb scratches at the collar of his shirt, and a patch of skin comes into view … with finely dusted chest hair … and I blush like he’d just walked out here in assless chaps and a hula hoop.

  Get it together, girl.

  “Can I get you something to eat? Drink?” I ask, my voice sounding screechy, even to my own ears.

  He chuckles and places a hand on my knee. Squeezes. “Let’s not tempt fate just yet.”

  I nod, burning a hole in said hand with my gaze. Do I want him to leave it? Take it away? Gah!

  He pulls it back, propping his elbow on the back of the sofa and leaning his head on his fist.

  “So, do you think we need to have a discussion?”

  “Huh?”

  “Do we need to sit Aria down and talk through the ‘dad’ thing?” He makes air quotations then points a finger at himself.

  “Honestly? Nonchalant is the key to Aria. Cat, remember?” Seb rolls his eyes at my reference, then nods grudgingly. “Give me a crack at it, then we’ll go from there, okay?”

  He nods, even more grudgingly if that’s possible. With slumped shoulders and a deflated smile, he picks the invisible lint from the couch cushion. “I just thought there would be this moment where everything would be revealed. Like on Maury Povich … but way classier.” He laughs and shakes his head. “Sorry, this is coming out all wrong. I just want that moment, you know? Where I finally feel like her dad. And then it’ll all be real. But it doesn’t happen like that, does it?”

  I can’t help it. I grab his stray hand between both of mine and squeeze.

  “No, it doesn’t. I know you feel like you need validation, and I get it. But I think we’re doing the right thing, letting Aria guide us through this.”

  “I don’t need it. I’m just ready for it. I’m ready for it all.”

  “It is, you know? Real? It always has been. I’m just sorry you’re having to play catch up now.” I smile at the memories Seb has been making in just the last few weeks. He’s been hard at work, for sure. “If it’s any consolation, you catch up like a boss.”

  “Tell me about it,” he whispers, head bowed but eyes lifted, meeting mine. “Tell me about when you gave birth to her.”

  Chapter 30

  Autumn

  Present Day

  Haven, LA

  “Oh,” I breathe, a tiny rush flowing through me at the memories of that day. “Okay, um…”

  He inches closer, his knee coming into contact with mine. “You’re not the only one who wants to know everything again.”

  My head jerks as he tosses my words back into my lap, and my breath stutters in my chest. He smirks, then his lips morph into a crooked smile. He doesn’t say a word, just waits patiently for me to continue. So, I do.

  “True to form, Aria was late to the party. After I was a week past my due date, my doctor scheduled me to come into the hospital for an induction. You know—” I gesture to my stomach. “Where they give you medication to start labor.”

  He nods, eyes trained on my stomach as his Adam’s apple bobs with a stiff swallow.

  “Two days before I was supposed to go to the hospital, it happened. I was standing in line at the Texaco with my Slushee—I craved Slushees something fierce when I was pregnant—and my water broke. It wasn’t a trickle or even a gush. It was a freaking tsunami. I just stood there, wishing the ground would swallow me whole so everyone would stop gasping and staring. Aunt D strolls up behind me with her fountain drink, takes a sip, and says, ‘Well shit, you don’t ever do anything by half, do ya? Gotta pay for my belly washer and get my Power Ball ticket before we head to the hospital. Pot’s eight hundred million, girl.’ Then she hollers, ‘Anybody got a picnic blanket in their car we can borrow?’”

  Seb’s eyes widen, and I’m not sure if he wants to laugh or scowl. I’m not sure he knows either. “She’s a piece of work, huh? Your Aunt D.”

  “Oh yeah,” I laugh. “The best kind, though, I swear. She’s a little hard on the surface, but the inside is squishy and awesome. She’s been like a mother to me these last few years.”

  Seb snorts at that, and I pick up where I left off, hoping to bypass any talk of my parents.

  “So, we head to the hospital to get checked out, but I’m not hurting or having contractions. The nurse tells me that even though my water broke, they may have to give me medicine to start the contractions.”

  The further I get into the story, the closer Seb and I find ourselves. Our drawn-up legs are lined up shin to shin. We lean into each other, mere inches separating us. My hands are clasped in his, pulled tight into his lap.

  “Then she checked to see if I had dilated, and I was two centimeters.”

  “Is that good?” he asks, his voice low and hopeful.

  I chuckle, then frown. “It would’ve been if there wasn’t a teeny foot sticking out where there should have been a head.”

  Seb’s hands tense in mine, and his jaw goes stiff. I shake my head, smiling at his concern. I’d be lying if I didn’t say it felt good.

  “C-section. I promise it sounds worse than it was. The nurses and doctors were great and kept me calm the whole time.”

  “What, um … did, uh, was …” Seb clears his throat and whispers, “Was she okay? Were you—uh—were you okay?”

  “Oh yeah.” I nod emphatically, lowering my gaze to meet his downcast eyes. “She came out screaming like the champ she is. And I was good, too. A little scared once they took her to the nursery, that was all. It’s unnerving, spending nine months with someone, feeling every move and kick, telling her things I’ve never said aloud to anyone else, and then she’s just … gone. We were separated, and I didn’t know what was going on.”

  “Where were your parents? Brady?”

  “They came later that night, but this was all of a sudden, remember? They planned to be there for my scheduled induction, but Aria blew that to pieces. It was just Aunt D and me,” I say, and he shoots up off the couch and releases my hands.

  “Shit, I have to—” He paces the length of the living room, and his flat palms hit the front door with jarring force. I wait for his hands to curve around the waiting doorknob.

  I wait for him to run.

  His forehead meets wood as he drags in a ragged breath. “You were alone. You were alone. You were fucking all alone. And so was she.”

  I reach him. Place my hands on his heaving sides. Lay my forehead on his trembling spine. And I speak the truth.

  “So were you, Seb. So were you.”

  He shakes his head and sniffs. His palms drag down the door, then curl into fists at his sides. “It’s not the same thing, and you know it.”

  “I never meant to hurt you by telling you these things. I’m trying to fill in the blanks so you won’t feel so—”

  “Empty?” He scoffs at the word and turns to me, everything in his expression saying, “Fat chance of that.”

  “No. I wanted to make you feel a part of all this. I wanted it to be real,” I say emphatically, using his own words against him. “Her legs were so long and spindly. And her hair? Gosh, I’ll have to show you pictures. Jet black, I shit you not. It loo
ked like I’d grabbed the wrong baby from the nursery. And no amount of combing would tame it. It was like one big cowlick—I finally had to slide a baby bow through that mess and call it good.”

  He rolls his eyes up as if taking a look at the mop on top of his own head and gives me the slightest smirk.

  “Yeah, somehow you both manage to pull it off.” I laugh. “Her lips were bright red, like she was already wearing lipstick, ready for the party. And they’d purse like she was sucking her pacifier, even when there was nothing in her mouth.”

  I pull him back to the couch. He follows, sitting hunched over with elbows to knees and head hanging low.

  “And when I’d run my thumb across her forehead, her eyes would flutter closed, for just a moment.”

  My mind flits to the stacks of albums stowed at the top of my closet, and I wonder if they would do more harm than good. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. I think there’s been enough hurt between us to last a lifetime.

  As if he can hear my thoughts, Seb grabs my hand and meets my eyes. “Will it always be this way? Will every conversation about the past always be drenched in this guilt?”

  He says “guilt” like it’s poisonous, and for the two of us, it truly is. Seb and I have learned the hard way just how greedy and cavernous guilt can be, especially when the only thing filling the eternal void is regret. Another word dripping with venom.

  “It won’t be if we don’t let it. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. God knows it’s been a bitch up until now, but I think you and I are due for a few breaks in this life, don’t you?”

  He pushes up off his knees to stand and nods. Even manages a small smile. “I think you’re right. And we’re the lucky ones really. We’ve been through so much, haven’t we? But at the end of all that pain, we get this precious gift. I’d endure it all over again for the chance to know Aria. I’ve got to start thinking of it in those terms. Forget about the years I’ve lost and focus on living this life, in the here and now. I mean, how blessed are we?”

  “So blessed,” I whisper, sucking in my lips to hold back the rush of emotion threatening to break free.

  “When you found out you were … did you ever think about … that maybe—”

  “No.” I shake my head. “The timing wasn’t great, but I wanted Aria. Loved her. There are a lot of things I regret, but she isn’t one of them. I wanted our baby from the very beginning, no matter the circumstances.”

  He leans back a bit, looking confused. “What do you regret?”

  “Not trusting my gut, for one. Why couldn’t I see the one thing I’ve known my entire life? You would never just leave.” I shake my head, the tears surging forward in earnest. “You’re the only thing I’ve ever believed in, and when it really counted, I couldn’t trust myself to know the truth. I’ll always be ashamed of that. I’ll never forgive my father for driving you away, and I’ll never forgive myself for believing it.”

  He pulls me close then, tucking my head into his neck, and I let go. The frustration, the sorrow, the memories he’s missed—I feel it all like a punch, and I know he does, too. But he soothes me with soft whispers and holds me with strong arms. And I cling to him, wishing we could have comforted each other in the times when all felt lost. It feels like mourning a death, and in a way, I suppose it is. I wish I knew how to let go of this pain and move forward with our lives, whatever that might look like.

  Sobs become hiccups, whimpers fade to sighs, and Seb holds me through it all, being the rock I’ve always needed him to be. I draw in a deep breath and sit up straight, unraveling from his embrace. I wipe my ragged eyes and give him a watery smile. He runs his thumb across my damp cheek.

  “We’ve built entire lives on top a mountain of unresolved feelings,” he says as he takes my hands in his. The corner of his mouth tips into a half smile, then falls. “I don’t know how to dig through to what lies beneath and see what’s left. I don’t know how to rebuild … or if it’s even possible.”

  Hope and despair war within me at the thought, but I can’t deny the wish that pushes its way through.

  There’s nothing I want more than to try.

  But before I give voice to my wish, the front door swings open and tiny feet scamper into the house.

  Aria, face smeared with what must be chocolate, her wild curls looking teased and matted. She screeches to a halt in front of us and squints her eyes at Seb.

  “Are you done?” she asks with wide eyes.

  And we all laugh.

  Chapter 31

  Autumn

  Present Day

  Haven, LA

  “And Lexi—”

  “Miss Lexi.”

  “Gave me a cookie, and it was dis big,” she says, stretching her arms as wide as they can go. “And chocolate sauce for dipping.”

  I scrub the shampoo deep into her scalp while she winds up her submarine monkey for a swim. She hasn’t stopped talking since she and Isaac returned to Sebastian’s house. Seb and I barely squeezed in a quick goodbye, so there definitely was no chance to continue our conversation.

  I don’t know how to rebuild…

  Just the thought, which runs on repeat through my brain, turns my insides to mush. The sweet and gooey kind—the very best kind of mush.

  “Did you dip the cookie in the chocolate sauce or your hair? This mop is a hot mess tonight.”

  She giggles, completely unconcerned.

  “And Lexi—”

  “Miss Lexi.”

  “Made me hot chocolate wif whipped cream dis high.” She raises both hands over her head, letting out a screech as she reaches for the ceiling. “And sprinkles. Rainbow ones.”

  “Yes, I see,” I say, picking bits of colored mush from her hair. “Did you tell Miss Lexi anything?”

  She stops splashing, and the only sound between us is the buzzing monkey submarine. She gives me a confused look.

  “Huh?”

  “Did you tell her any … secrets?”

  I raise my eyebrows in question, and Aria drops her gaze from mine. One shoulder lifts then drops without a word.

  “It’s okay if you did,” I say quietly, but Aria shakes her head, still not meeting my eyes. “Or maybe you could tell me.”

  Not a word. Complete silence.

  “Or maybe … maybe I already know.”

  Her head jerks up, and her eyes widen in surprise.

  “You do?” she asks, her voice filled with shock.

  I nod my head and fill the pitcher with fresh water from the faucet.

  “Head back.”

  She tilts her head back as I wash out the shampoo, then turns back to me.

  “Are you mad, Momma?”

  Aunt D had already told me this was Aria’s worry but hearing the words straight from her undoes me. I swallow back the tears for my little girl who loves so hard and smile.

  “No, poppet, of course I’m not mad. Someone in our family was lost, and we found him. That’s wonderful, isn’t it?”

  Her smile grows to match mine, and she claps excitedly. “Yes, yes, yes.”

  “And do you know what else that means?” She freezes and waits impatiently for my reply. “It means Isaac is family, too. He’s your cousin.”

  She gasps again, her mouth dropping in awe. “Cousin?”

  I nod, trying to hold in my laughter. “Yes, poppet.”

  “And do you know what cousins do?” She picks up her submarine and winds the engine. “Cousins eat breakfast togever, and cousins play all the time. Cousins go everywhere. Togever.”

  “Not sure where you got the definition of a cousin from, but I think Isaac will be surprised by all this togetherness, don’t you think?”

  The enthusiasm bubbling up inside her is palpable, and I’m afraid her head may just pop right off. Or her curls may frazzle to the point of no return.

  “You ‘member when cousins would eat supper togever, too? And daddies would spend the night? You ‘member dat?”

  “Mmhmm.” I keep my lips pressed tightly shut,
mentally refusing to respond to that particular land mine. Nope, not today, not this time. I raise the towel, signaling to her that bath time is over, and she stands.

  Her head bobs up and down as she chants, “I’m excited, I’m excited, I’m excited.” She gasps and slaps a hand over her mouth, her elation rivaling that of Christmas morning. “I never had a daddy before. Or a cousin.”

  She steps out of the tub, and I wrap her like a burrito, hugging her into my arms. I kiss her forehead. The top of her nose. And both cheeks.

  I meet her joyous eyes, trying to hide the emotion brimming in mine. Then I whisper, “You’ve always had a daddy, poppet. It just took us a while to find him.”

  * * *

  The next morning, Aria bounds down the steps to the coffee shop for our usual breakfast and grins when she sees Isaac sitting next to her special chair. She climbs up and plops down, scanning the coffee shop at the same time. She hops onto her knees and cranes her head behind the counter.

  “Be careful, poppet,” I say, touching her back to steady her.

  “Where is he?” she asks Lexi, hands perched on her hips.

  After sliding a glass of milk and muffin in front of Aria, Lexi’s hands go to her hips as well.

  “Simmer down, half-pint. We don’t need Seb and his rotten guts infecting the place, so I’ve kicked him out for the day.”

  “’Cause she thinks she’s the boss lady,” Isaac mutters under his breath.

  Then his half eaten muffin disappears right from under his nose. Isaac scowls. Lexi glowers.

  Then she turns her attention back to Aria.

  “But he came by to get some paperwork to work on at home.” Lexi leans down and meets Aria eye to eye, then whispers, “And, of course, to wait for you.”

  Aria’s eyes brighten as she peers around curiously, but then gets distracted by her muffin and milk. And Isaac, of course. She informs him about his new cousinly duties, which he appears to find as surprising as I did. But Aria is firm … and a tiny bit bossy. And Isaac takes it in stride, backing away slowly, nodding his head and slipping his book bag on his shoulders.