Waiting for Autumn

by DeRouen, J. A.

  “Just trust me.”

  The road clears in front of us, and a barn comes into view. A-frame, red with white trimming, but eerily abandoned.

  “Umm … mighty dressed up for an abandoned barn, don’t you think?”

  He shuts off the car and opens the door. “I didn’t dress for the barn. I dressed for you.” His boyish smile and hungry eyes melt my insides. “Come on, let me show you.”

  After Seb grabs an ice chest and blanket from the trunk, we make our way inside.

  “You know, I’ve been looking for the perfect spot to take Aria swimming, because I promised her, and one of the shop’s patrons heard me asking around. She gladly offered, and I came by earlier this week to check it out. It’s perfect. Aria will love it, and I thought we could make a little party out of it. What do you think?”

  “All right,” I say, surprised by his suggestion. And honestly, I shouldn’t be. He’s made every effort to forge a relationship with Aria from the beginning. She’ll be over the moon, and Seb will be the one to have made it happen.

  He slides the barn door open, and it widens with a deafening metallic scrape. I peek inside, and it’s wide open and completely empty. No stalls or hay; no equipment to speak of. The floors are even swept clean. Sunlight filters in through the foggy windows, making the dust particles suspended in the air sparkle like bits of glitter.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Martin live just over the field there, along with their swimming pool,” he says, gesturing to the far end of the barn. “After we checked out the pool, she brought me here.”

  I walk to where he’s pointing and look through the window. Far in the distance, I see the pointed roof of a house pushing past the oak trees.

  “They don’t use the barn anymore, but she insists Mr. Martin keep it spic and span. They ride out here a few times a week to watch the sunset. Done it for decades.” Seb looks at the sky peeking through the opened barn door and smiles. “It looks like we’re just in time. Have to admit, I was getting worried. I didn’t think you’d ever leave the library. We nearly missed the show.”

  I turn from the window and take him in. Alone in the center of the barn, blanket in one hand, ice chest in the other, he waits for me. The truth of it is he always has. Waited for me, I mean. And although I can’t see it with my eyes, I’m all too aware of the heart on his sleeve. I feel his vulnerability reaching for me, pulling me closer, and who am I to resist?

  “I’d love to watch the sunset with you.” The words spill from me without preamble.

  Right here, right now, with nothing between us but dusty sparkles and fading sunlight, only the truth will do. Our love is one of grimy feet and snowcone-stained tongues. I’ve never been here before, but no place has ever felt more like a physical representation of who we are. Empty but cared for. Unused, but not forgotten. Dusty, but somehow, after all this time, still magical. Not now, but maybe someday …

  No, nothing but the truth will do tonight.

  Sebastian gestures to the ladder leading up to the hayloft and raises his eyebrows in question. “Shall we?” I nod. He gestures again. “Ladies first.”

  I laugh. “Nice try, hot stuff. You’ll have to work harder than that to get a peek at my ass.”

  He shrugs, unfazed by my rejection. “I may not be a teenage boy anymore, but I’m still a man. Can’t blame me for trying.”

  Once we get into the hayloft, me trailing behind Seb with the blanket, he lays out an impressive spread of snacks. Cheeses, fruit, fancy crackers, and cloth napkins.

  “Swanky,” I say as I sit down on the blanket and pop a grape into my mouth.

  Then he breaks out the six pack of cheap beer, and I bust out laughing.

  He smirks. “You can take the boy out of Prosper …”

  I smile at his joke, but it’s short lived as I think of a far more painful interpretation of his words. He’s right, Prosper will always be a part of him—of us—and it rips my heart to pieces. Tears build behind my eyes thinking of all the hurt we’ve caused each other.

  Seb takes in my expression, and his face falls.

  “Talk about an awkward segue.”

  He twists the top off my beer and hands it to me.

  “Yeah.” I take a long drink, the fizz burning a trail down my throat. “But that’s the thing of it, isn’t it? You’re exactly right. All that’s happened—the mistakes, the regrets, that toxic town. It’s all still here, sitting between us.”

  “Wait—”

  “I look at you, Sebastian, and it hurts.” My voice breaks, and I push my palm deep into my chest, trying to massage away the ache that comes from seeing what I can’t have. What I’ll never have again. “It physically hurts to know I can’t be with you.”

  Chapter 34

  Sebastian

  Present Day

  Haven, LA

  Can’t be with me? What the hell is she talking about? With one word, one simple gesture or provocation from her, I’d have her pinned beneath me in this hayloft. I know she feels it, too. I see it in her eyes. I feel it like barely bridled energy, thrumming between us.

  There’s nowhere in this world I want to be more than right here with her. Why can’t she see that?

  “Hold on, hold on.” I take hold of her shoulders and meet her eyes. Eyes brimming with unshed tears. “What in the hell are you talking about, Autumn?”

  She lets out a long sigh and slumps her shoulders. Tears streak her cheeks, and she shakes her head in defeat. “We both know it’s true. No matter what, I’ll always be the one who kept your daughter from you. The thief who stole five years of memories. Nothing will ever change that.”

  “And what? I’ll always be the guy who ran away and left you without a word? Is that how you see me?”

  Confusion flits across her face, followed closely by frustration. She shakes her head furiously and huffs. “No, no, that’s not what I’m saying. I’ve forgiven you for that, Sebastian. I’m not trying to throw it in your face. I know my father threatened you. I know that now.”

  I run the palms of my hands up and down her arms, trying to calm her, trying to stop the centripetal force of this tailspin she’s so intent on putting herself into.

  “So, you’re capable of forgiveness … but I’m not?”

  “It’s not the same thing.”

  “It’s exactly the same thing.”

  “I know you think that, but it’s not true,” she whispers, shaking her head and averting her eyes. “This is one of those things that will always be lurking, waiting for the most inopportune moment to punch us in the gut. A baby picture of Aria, an offhand comment, or snuggles she gives me willingly but shies away from giving you—who knows what will spark it? But you’ll lash out, understandably, reminding me of what I’ve taken from you. And I can’t even blame you, because I deserve that anger. Some wrongs can never be made right. Some wrongs are bigger than forgiveness.”

  I know she believes what she’s saying, every single word, and it guts me. After the last five years of isolation, I finally have a chance at a family. A chance with her. And she thinks I’d give all of that up, for what? For some one-upmanship game in who’s hurt who more?

  Never. Never again will I let my life be run by something so insignificant and petty. But how do I make her see that?

  “Nothing is bigger than forgiveness, Autumn. I hope, deep down, you know that.”

  Silence.

  It’s a tangled mess of hope and heartbreak. Who will win out in the end is anyone’s guess. But I’ve always been a dreamer, and when it comes to Autumn and me, I’ve always dreamed big.

  I let go of her arms and smile despite her sorrow. I shift away and watch another of her tears fall.

  “Why don’t we table this,” I say, standing up and moving toward the hayloft door. “Why don’t we eat, drink, and watch the sunset together without a thought of what’s to come. Let me just be with you, Autumn.”

  She nods, sucking in her lips in an attempt to curb her tears. I unlatch the hayloft door and open both s
hutters wide.

  Golden warmth bathes the loft, stealing the breath from my chest with splashes of fiery orange and smears of deep purple. Fields of vibrant green sugarcane stretch as far as the eye can see—the colors alive in a way no photograph or artist could ever capture.

  I crawl behind Autumn for the show, pulling her between my legs, her back resting against my front. I interlace our fingers and hug her close, feeling the catches in her breath and watching her pulse jump under her skin.

  “This is breathtaking,” she whispers in awe.

  “It definitely is,” I reply, without attempting to hide my real meaning as I run the tip of my nose down the curve of her neck. I ache for my tongue to follow the same path, but I hold back, afraid to scare her away. Goose bumps erupt on her skin, and she shivers, then she settles closer into my chest.

  Silence falls between us as we watch the remnants of the day fade into smoky dusk, and I silently wish for more time. I never want this feeling of her, content in my arms, to fade away.

  She sucks in a deep breath, then closes her eyes as she breathes out slowly. She tips her head back onto my chest, and I press my lips to her temple.

  I tip her chin, forcing her eyes to meet mine, and as always, I’m a goner. Those baby blues own every part of me. Always have and always will. I shift her in front of me, turn our bodies so we’re face-to-face. Nowhere to hide.

  “Just hear me out, okay? You say there’s too much in our past to have any kind of future, but I refuse to believe that. You’re focused on the wrong things.” Her expression is hopeful but cautious, as if she’d give anything for me to have the answer that would fix all of this. “Maybe we don’t need to sift through the ashes of the past. I look at you, Autumn—I look at my daughter, and the answer is so clear. We leave the past behind and build a new fire. All this time, I thought I was waiting for you to show up, so I could explain, tell you I’m sorry. Maybe I was just waiting so we could … begin again. We need to let go of the past and focus on the future. I can do that. I am doing that. The question is … can you?”

  I see the war raging behind her eyes. The tug-of-war between her truth and mine. One leads to a lifetime of longing, while the other gives us a chance at true happiness. Is there really any question?

  “But—”

  I touch my fingers to her mouth, her lips parting at the contact. Her breath dances on my fingertips, warm and silky. I trace the curve of her jaw, then tuck a wisp of her hair behind her ear. My hand lands on the curve of her neck, palm resting on her fluttering pulse.

  She sighs.

  I wish.

  I wish she would open her heart to the possibility. I hope she can see there is more to us than the mistakes of our past. More to us than shattered pieces of the most exquisite glass I’ve ever known. We can be whole again if she would just allow it.

  “There’s a lot to be learned from the crooked line between right and wrong. There’s even more to gain by just letting go.” I lean in closer, a breath away from pressing my mouth to hers. Her gaze lowers, settles on my lips, and her lashes flutter like delicate butterfly wings.

  Open.

  Closed.

  Open.

  “Let go with me, Autumn. Just let go,” I plead, my lips brushing hers with every syllable whispered.

  Her misty eyes dart back to mine, and that’s when I see it.

  Hope.

  Release.

  And finally, acceptance.

  A strangled cry escapes her as she bridges the gap, pressing her trembling lips to mine. Her fingers dive into my hair, and I run my thumbs over the apples of her cheeks in reverence. I want to revisit every inch of her I’ve missed so deeply. I want to commit every new dip and curve to my memory. I want to kiss her so long and deep, the last five years evaporate into mist, and all we can see is each other.

  Our lips brush, our tongues dance, and the feeling unfurls through every cell in my body like a mantra.

  I remember you …

  I remember you …

  I remember …

  “Yes,” she whispers as her lips leave mine for the smallest second. “Please. Yes.”

  “So damn good.” I groan, hungry for more of her.

  I pull her closer, fitting her in my lap, legs draped over mine.

  “Even better.” She runs her fingers over my cheeks and giggles softly. “Your beard.”

  My mouth smiles against hers before taking a gentle bite of her lower lip. I lean back slightly and scowl. “What? You don’t like it?”

  She grabs my ears with both hands and shakes her head. “I think,” she says, pulling my lips back to hers. “I think I love it.”

  “Yeah?”

  She sighs, and I feel her body go boneless, completely melting into my chest. “Oh yeah.”

  I wrap my arms around her and nuzzle her neck, her ear, her apple-scented hair. She squirms as I hit her ticklish spot, then settles with a contented sigh.

  Her eyes are hooded, her expression sated, positively drunk with kisses. I’d forgotten how lovely Autumn is when she’s cherished. Loved.

  Only then do I raise my eyes to the setting sun and realize the moon is taking center stage. The warm of earlier is replaced with breezy moonlight, and the barn darkens by degrees with each passing minute.

  I groan inwardly, give Autumn a tight squeeze, then release her.

  “I’d rather be ripped limb from limb by a pack of starving lions than let go of you right now, but I don’t see any way around it. Pretty sure we’d break our necks going down that ladder in complete darkness.”

  She nods grudgingly and pecks my lips before pushing up to her knees. She tosses our uneaten food into the ice chest while I gather up the trash.

  “Pride.”

  “Huh?”

  “It’s a pride of lions. Not a pack.” She shrugs, her lips pursed into a mischievous smirk.

  I pop her ass with a napkin, and she yelps. “Know-it-all.”

  Another shrug, her eyes dancing with delight. I stand, gathering our supplies and gesture for her to go ahead.

  “Ladies first. Wouldn’t want to get an uninvited glimpse of that hot little ass of yours.”

  She passes me, brushing lightly against me as she goes. “And what a show it would be.” She smiles shyly before heading down the ladder. I can only see her face as she makes her descent, and she stops to deal her final blow. “Black thong.”

  And just like that, what was already at half-mast is at full attention. She continues down the ladder with ease as I resist the urge to yank her back up and finish what we started.

  Patience, man. You’ve got to be patient with her.

  But she needs to stop poking the bear. Oh, the innuendo in that statement is killing me.

  “Coming,” I call from up above, smirking to myself. “Watch out for the bats, okay?”

  She lets out a terrified shriek, then slaps her hand over her mouth as if the sound will wake the coven of blood-sucking creatures. I calmly climb down the ladder while she spirals into an epic frenzy.

  “Bats? There are freaking bats in here?” she whisper-yells. “Hurry the hell up, Sebastian Kelly, before I maim you … or the bats maim me. Just … hurry up!”

  When I hit the ground floor, she races to me and slides under my arm for protection. I lower my lips to hers and kiss her once, twice, then chuckle and shake my head.

  “Maybe you don’t know it all then,” I whisper.

  When realization dawns, her eyes widen, and she smacks my chest hard. I let out an oomph then peck her lips again.

  “You’re nothing but a bully,” she says as she stomps away with a huff, arms crossed over her chest.

  “Come on, Autumn, flash me a little peek of that black thong,” I call out as she storms to the car. “You know you wanna.”

  Instead of flashing me her gorgeous cheeks, I get a saucy one-finger salute. God, I love riling her up.

  Chapter 35

  Autumn

  Present Day

  Haven, LA
r />   “So…” I unlock the door to my apartment and turn to face Sebastian.

  He watches me like I’m some precious thing. Touches me like I may disappear at any second. Little does he know, there’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be than here with him.

  I want this to be real. I need it to be real. There comes a point where the future is so bright, so radiant, the past that once seemed so important becomes completely inconsequential. I think, I hope, with everything in me, that Sebastian and I have reached that point.

  “So,” he counters, grabbing my hands and intertwining my fingers with his. He lays a soft peck on my nose and bathes me with the most adoring gaze. Prickly warmth crawls up my neck, blushing all the way to my cheeks.

  “Aria, uh,” I whisper-choke, then clear my throat. “Is it all right if I hitch a ride with you to the library tomorrow to get my car?”

  He nods. “Of course. I’ll bring you first thing.”

  “Aria’s probably fast asleep. I mean, it’s after ten and all. I guess she’ll just sleep at your house tonight.”

  Hint, hint … please, for the love of all that is holy, take the hint.

  “And if she pulls her middle-of-the-night stunt?” He arches an eyebrow, and I laugh. Aria, my little master manipulator.

  “After the tenth … or hundredth time, Brady finally got her number. He’s got tricks to distract her until morning, don’t worry.”

  He leans back, looking incredulous.

  “What? Where were these skills a few weeks ago when I was dragging my ass out of bed at one AM, huh?”

  “Hmm … I think your best friend had ulterior motives that night. My bet is he was trying to nudge things in the right direction, or more accurately, shove us together.”

  Sebastian tips his head back and laughs, then leans down and nuzzles my neck.

  “I knew there was a reason I loved that guy.”

  The tip of his nose blazes a trail up the side of my neck, his tongue following closely behind. My body spasms, and my nipples push against his hard chest as I arch into him. He groans, long and deep, before nipping my ear with his teeth.