I laugh softly. "Captain Underpants."
He nods and chuckles. "Yeah, those. And I remember taking you to Disneyland and you puked on me when we went on Space Mountain."
I'm crying again, I don't know where the tears came from, but they are more happy memory tears than sad ones. I remember those times with Ethan. They were fun - well maybe not the puking - but I remember how sweet he always was, how he didn't yell at me when I barfed on him. Instead he helped clean me up and then at the end of the day he carried me back to the car.
"All those memories, all those times with you." Ethan is tearing up himself now and he takes a deep breath and then lets it out. "I'm not your father, Taryn, but I like to think that since the day I married your mom, I've been your Dad."
I put a hand to my eyes, crying softly for a moment and then I sit up and hug Ethan around the neck. "You are," I tell him, wetting his shirt with my tears. "You are my Dad."
He hugs me back tightly and then releases me and I sit back.
"I love you, kid. I hope you know that." He wipes at his own eyes and gives me another gentle smile.
"I do know that. And I love you too."
Mom snorts in her sleep and Ethan and I crack up. It's hard to believe I can even manage a smile right now, let alone a laugh.
But I do.
◆◆◆
Mom and I are at the mall, shopping. It's been two weeks since that horrible day when the truth came out and Manny broke up with me. Two weeks and I haven't had a word from him. My messages and texts go unanswered and when I go to work, he is not there. His father said he changed his schedule so he can prepare for college. I'm guessing he's not going to Stanford now.
Mr. Ortez is still being nice to me, but he tries not to look me in the eye most of the time. I'm kind of getting used to that. I tried going to Ryan's house to see him before he graduates but his mom not so politely told me she didn't want him around a 'girl like me'.
Graduation. It's not going to happen for me. I am going to graduate, but I won't be walking in my cap and gown and receiving my diploma in front of my friends and family. Instead I'll get mine in the mail sometime this summer, before I leave for college in the Fall.
But now it's time to push all that shit away, put it behind me and prepare for the cruise with Dad and Steve. So that's the reason for the shopping trip today. Mom and I are pretending to be happy and relaxed, dressed in our casual late spring dresses and sandals, our makeup on, smiles on our faces. Just business as usual. Except for this great big lump in my throat that I am just managing to keep down with some deep sighs and silent meditation.
"Oh, this is cute, Tar!" Mom holds up a gaudy pink jumper with a huge floral print.
"Mom!" I manage a laugh and shake my head. "I'm not sixty years old! That's horrible!"
She laughs and I try not to see the dark circles under her eyes that aren't quite hidden with her makeup. I know it's been super rough for her. She's been fighting with Ethan and when Dad and Steve got back from London, she fought with them too. Everyone hates Michael and wants to kill him but we've settled for joining in on a civil suit with Kaitlynn and Pam. I haven't spoken to either girl and I'm not sure if I ever will. What would we say to one another? Besides, this isn't something I want to keep remembering.
I sigh and Mom glances up at me and gives me a sad smile.
"It will get better," she murmurs, browsing through a rack of summer dresses.
It will get better. That's our mantra. It's just taking a while.
"How many outfits do I really need, Mom?" I look down at the three bulging bags at my feet from the stores we've already hit. "I'm planning on spending most of the time in a deck chair reading in my bathing suit."
"Well, you need to dress for dinner and all that," Mom says. "Besides, you want to look nice, don't you? I mean, Taryn, you might meet someone."
I stare at her in disgust. "Are you serious? Mom, I am not going on this cruise to meet another guy! That's the last thing I want!" Besides, I don't want anyone but Manny.
"I know, Taryn, but an open mind is never a bad thing." Mom looks back at me and her eyes brighten. "Shoes! You need sandals!"
I roll my eyes and we start across the store towards the exit when we see them.
Kim and her mom have just stepped into the store and I grip Mom's elbow. Oh please don't let them see us! But then two pairs of cold green eyes fall on Mom and I and then Kim's mom, Brianne, pastes a fake smile on her face and they sail over to us.
"Marissa! Taryn! How are you?" Brianne gives Mom an air kiss and Kim smirks at me but says nothing.
Mom smiles tightly. "Bri, nice to see you. It's been a while."
Kim's mom nods, and keeps smiling that stupid smile. She's a little bit older than my mom and you can tell when she was younger she was gorgeous like Kim and Teri. Now she just looks like she's trying too hard to still be hip and she's wearing a plaster mask of makeup to hide her wrinkles.
"How's the real estate business?" Brianne and Kim are standing between us and the path of escape so Mom and are stuck making small talk. I clutch my carrier bags and refuse to look at Kim's snotty face.
"It's a little slow right now," Mom says. Her smile is as fake as Bri's. "But it will pick up, I'm sure."
"Right." Bri nods again, glancing at me. "And Taryn, how are you doing? With all the 'doings'? She gives me a sickly sympathetic look and I hear Kim snort softly.
"I'm fine." I nudge Mom and beg her silently to get us the fuck out of here.
"I'm sure it's hard. All the talk going around. And that awful man!" Bri shakes her head. "Well let's just hope he gets what he deserves. You are suing, right?"
"It was nice seeing you, Bri." Mom puts her arm around me and we move around Kim and her mom. As we walk past, Bri's not so quiet whisper hits us both like a knife in the back.
"If that were you, I'd never let you out in public again!" she whispers to Kim.
Mom freezes beside me and before I can stop her, she whirls around and heads straight back to Bri, her face rigid.
"Excuse me? Did you just compare your daughter to mine?"
I want to sink into the floor, but at the same time I can't stop watching, it's like an impending explosion. The air is thick with tension.
Bri tries to laugh it off and Kim giggles behind her hand.
"Oh, Mar, it's just...well, Taryn has been a little irresponsible, don't you think? You must be concerned with her actions after all."
Mom towers over Bri by at least a head and her eyes are like cold steel. "On the contrary. I'm not concerned about Taryn at all. Because I know she's a very responsible young lady who simply made a mistake. Not unlike most teenagers."
Bri snorts and rolls her eyes at Kim. "Not my teenager!"
"Yes, like your teenager, Brianne!" Mom snaps, casting a cold glance at Kim, who stands there pouting. "From what I have heard, from reputable sources, your teenager has quite a past of her own."
Brianne bristles and huffs out an angry breath. "How dare you!"
Mom smiles. "I'm proud of my daughter. She's smart, beautiful, talented and kind. My daughter would never stoop to the level of your daughter by bullying other people and posting untrue things on a website in an attempt to make someone look bad."
"I didn't do that website!" Kim protests. "That was Jason and Patrick!"
"Yeah, but you didn't do anything to stop it!" I finally find my voice, joining Mom at her side. "You encouraged them and you know it. You probably wrote most of the stuff on there."
"Don't you accuse her of such a thing!" Bri is shouting and the other shoppers raise their heads to stare in our direction.
"It's fine," Mom's smile widens. "The website and anyone found to be involved with it will be handled by the authorities. So, I just hope there isn't any kind of electronic trail that connects you to it, Kim. That would be just awful, wouldn't?"
Kim's jaw drops and then she snaps it shut and averts her eyes.
"And now, if you two ladies will excuse us, Taryn and I have some
more shopping to do. Have a nice day!"
Mom leads me away and we make it to the door before I collapse in giggles.
"Mom! Oh my God, that was so bad-ass!"
Mom grins and raises her chin a little, linking her arm with mine. "It was, wasn't it?"
I laugh even harder and kiss her cheek. "I love you, mommy!"
"I love you too, Tar." Mom returns the kiss and then steers me over towards the spa. "Come on. I think us two bad asses deserve a mani-pedi."
A mani-pedi sounds perfect. And for the first time since that horrible day, I think things really might get better.
◆◆◆
"Oh my God, Dad, yes, I will be ready when you get here, I promise!"
I'm the phone with my dad while I finish the last of my packing for the cruise. He and Steve are picking me up at six a.m. tomorrow so we can catch our flight to Miami. I can hear Steve in the background yelling about making sure I pack plenty of sunscreen and tampons.
"Steven, shut up, please!" Dad yells then comes back to me. "Jesus, sorry, Taryn. He's driving me crazy."
I giggle and add a third pair of sandals to my suitcase. Mom made me buy six pairs, but I'm only taking a few. Plus, two suitcases filled with a zillion other outfits Mom insists I need.
Dad and I chat for a bit longer then we hang up and I finish packing.
And then I just stand in the center of my room and think about Manny. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't picture his sweet face and remember being in his arms. Oh my God, will the hurt ever stop? Everything else is slowly returning to normal and I'm almost happy most days. Except when I think of Manny.
I have to make one last try to get him back. I can't leave for two weeks and then go to college without letting him know just how much I truly love him. I can't bear the thought of him thinking that I lied about that too.
I sit at my desk and dig around in the bottom drawer and finally find a stationary pad that I haven't used since Middle School. There are little kittens and hearts at the top which I'm sure won't impress my tough guy, but it's the only writing paper I have. Picking up my pen I think for a minute and then start writing.
Dear Manny,
You haven't returned any of my calls or texts. I know you don't want to see me but I am leaving for my cruise tomorrow morning and I can't go without trying to explain to you how I feel. I love you, Manny. That has never been a lie. You are my soul mate; I know that in my heart. When I was with you, I felt so happy and protected and warm and loved. I've never ever felt that way with any other guy and I don't believe I will ever feel that way again. Not unless it's with you.I am so sorry I lied to you about Michael. Believe me, I wanted to tell you, so many times, but I always chickened out. If I could go back in time, I would totally tell you, but I can't do that. I can only tell you now how sorry I am and beg for your forgiveness. Michael means nothing to me. What I did was horrible but please don't let it ruin what we had. I've always been this girl who gets crushes. Ever since I was little, even in preschool and kindergarten. I was the girl who chased the boys around trying to kiss them. As I grew older the crushes continued; most of the time the guy I was crushing on didn't know I existed. So I'd go crush on someone else. And then one day, my crush returned my feelings. I felt special, wanted, loved. That's all anyone ever really wants, isn't it? But liking someone, because they're cute or you think they're sexy or popular or whatever, is so different than really loving them. Not that I don't think you are sexy and cute, because you are! What I'm trying to say is, I've had crushes, but then I found you. And what I feel for you, Manny, is no crush. It's real. And I miss it and I miss you. If you've made it this far in this letter, maybe it means we have a chance. I hope we do. I leave at 6 am. tomorrow. Please, if you still love me, call me before then.
I love you!
Taryn
I add little hearts next to my name and fold the letter up and slide it into the matching envelope, scrawling his name on the front.
I tell Mom I have to run out to grab some stuff for the trip and head for the mall. It's kind of funny that I actually have no idea where Manny lives. We hadn't gotten that far in our relationship yet. Hopefully, if he takes me back, we still have all of that stuff ahead.
I park and hurry inside the mall, taking the escalator up to the food court. As I near Taco, Taco, Taco, my heart speeds up. He's there. Holy fuck, Manny is working today!
My feet skid to a stop just outside the restaurant as I stare at him behind the counter. He's counting some change for Hector, who's running the register. Manny's head is bent so he doesn't see me at first. But then he looks up and our eyes lock.
For a long moment we just stare at one another and then I attempt a tiny smile. As I do, Manny's face hardens and he slams the register shut and retreats back into the office, closing the door behind him.
I swallow hard and go slowly forward, the letter in my hand.
"Hey, Hector, how's it going?"
Hector looks up at me and shrugs. "They stuck me on register. I hate it. The public sucks."
I give him a little smile. Hector has always been nice to me. He's two years older than Manny but kind of slow, skinny, with a pencil thin mustache and a tiny goatee.
"How has Manny been? Does he talk about me?"
Hector shrugs again. "Ah, Manny's an ass, as usual. He won't talk about you. Gets mad if anyone says your name."
My shoulders fall and I look down at the letter in my hand. "Um, Hector, can you do me a big favor?"
Hector nods, looking at me.
"Can you give Manny this letter?" I hand the envelope to him. "And make sure he opens it and actually reads it okay? Please? It's important."
Hector looks at the envelope and smirks. "Kittens. Funny."
I laugh a little. "Yeah. Thanks, Hector. See you around, maybe."
He stores the envelope in his back pocket. "Yep."
I frown and reach across the counter, grabbing his arm. "No, Hector, like now. Go give it to him now, please. It has to be now, don't you understand?" I can't keep the tears from seeping from my eyes. "It has to be now!"
Hector stares at me and then slowly retrieves the envelope. "Yeah, okay. I'll go give it to him."
I release his arm and stand back. "Thank you, Hector." I give him a little wave and watch him go into the office and then I rush away before I have to see Manny's reaction.
◆◆◆
There's a very gentle breeze off the water, it's warm and refreshing and I can't get enough of it. I'm sitting on the deck of the Caribbean Princess cruise ship and right now it's nice and quiet. We've reached our first port of call and the ship is anchored off the Cayman Islands and a lot of people are getting off to explore and shop and whatever. But not me. I'm happy to sit in the peace of the nearly deserted ship while I sip a fruity drink and read my cheesy paperback romance.
A shadow passes over and I look up to see Dad and Steve. They're both wearing long white shorts with Hawaiian shirts and sandals. I smirk up at them, laying my paper back open across my chest.
"You two look like the cover of a vacation brochure!" I tell them, laughing.
"Hey!" Dad holds his arms out and gets all fake macho on me. "We happen to look dashing for your information. Just a minute ago in the elevator some guy checked out my legs!"
Steve rolled his eyes and snorted. "He did not! He was worried you had rickets or something, with your big gut and skinny sticks for limbs!"
I crack up and Dad makes a face at both Steve and me. Then he smiles and gets serious for a minute.
"Tar, will you please reconsider coming off the ship with us? There are some amazing things to see and do. I hate that you're pining away here by yourself."
I take Dad's hand in mine. "Daddy, I'm not pining away. I'm relaxing. I'm spending time with myself and I like it. Please, it's okay. I don't need you and Steve to babysit me, honest."
Dad nods and then snaps his fingers. "Shit, we forgot the sunscreen!"
"Well you better and get it then so
ldier!" Steve pushes Dad away and when he runs off back to their cabin, Steve sits on the lounge beside me and takes my hand.
"How are you doing for real, sweetheart?"
"Oh my God, I'm fine!" I know everyone means well but I am so tired of being asked that question constantly. It was hard, when Manny didn't respond to my letter and I had to leave for the trip still not knowing if he would forgive me. But now, with the fresh air and the quiet and my alone time in my cabin and on deck, I feel like I'm finally starting to heal.
But. I miss him, and my heart still hurts.
"I'm sorry your cute Mexican boyfriend didn't call you." Steve says. "It sucks. I know. Been there done that."
"I really thought he would call me. Text me. Something," I tell him sadly. "It's just hard to believe that he's not going to be a part of my life. We'd just gotten started; you know?"
"Aw, sweetie." Steve pats my hand. "Maybe he just needs some more time. You know, in my experience, the Latin boys are more temperamental. All that heat. Takes them a bit longer to simmer down."
I flush and smother a giggle. "You've had some Latin heat, have you?"
He waves a hand at me. "Oh honey, you have no idea." He stands up as Dad comes trotting back. "Just don't tell your dad about it!"
"Okay!" Dad's panting from running. "Sunscreen, cameras, we are ready!"
"You guys have fun," I tell them both. "I'll probably still be here on deck reading when you get back."
Steve glances behind Dad and raises an eyebrow, a funny smile on his lips.
"Well, uh, keep an out for good looking boys, Taryn!"
Dad scowls and I roll my eyes.
"I think I'm done with good looking boys, Steve, thanks anyway!"
"Steven, seriously?" Dad scolds.
Steve shrugs and pulls Dad to the side.
"Well I'm just saying. You never know who might come her way, Marty. Like an old friend. Especially if, say, a well-meaning, fabulous step dad takes it upon himself to call a certain cute Mexican boy and send him airline fare and a cruise ticket..."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Dad looks at Steve like he's lost his mind.
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