Living with Your Past Selves (Spell Weaver)

by Hiatt, Bill

  With that, she opened the door in front of us, and gestured for me to go in. I countered by gesturing her in—my mom hadn’t raised me to go in before a lady. Ms. Winn smiled and walked in. I followed quickly…

  And my jaw hit the ground with a resounding thud.

  I had expected her office, but this was obviously the master bedroom.

  “Do sit down, Taliesin,” she said, indicating a plush chair against the wall, “and don’t look so scandalized. This is the only room without security cameras. I trust my people, but you never can tell.” I nodded nervously, and sat down. “By the way, you really didn’t need the sword.” Reflexively, I reached down and touched its hilt.

  “You can see it?”

  “If I really make the effort, but actually it got picked up by the security cameras.”

  “Yeah,” I said sadly. “I never have found a way to make it truly invisible.”

  “Well, no worries; I convinced my security chief it was just a harmless eccentricity of yours. Anyway, as I was saying, you don’t need it here, just for future reference. This is the safest place west of the Rockies—you can trust me on that.”

  “With all due respect, Ms. Winn, some of my friends and I got sucked into Annwn on Founders’ Day when I was standing almost right next to you.”

  Ms. Winn chuckled. “I like it that you speak your mind to me. So few people really do, you know. But Founders’ Day was at city hall, not here. I have enough protection here to fend off the entire army of Annwn, if need be—and I am not just talking about my human guards, though they are quite formidable. The protective magic is so thick here that no one, and I mean no one, gets in or out without my consent.”

  “Thank you for the protection, and I will keep that in mind next time. But that can’t be the only reason you wanted to talk to me.”

  “Ah, yes, very perceptive. Taliesin, I am concerned about the progress of your magic studies.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you about my progress.”

  “I know, nonetheless. You are reluctant to shift, and you still can’t get in or out of Annwn on your own power. You could do all that and more when you were first called Taliesin, correct?”

  “Yes,” I said slowly, “there are some types of magic where the memory doesn’t seem to be helping.”

  “That’s because knowing how to do something in theory is very different from actually doing it. Let’s say you had been a pro football player in your last life but had never even touched a ball in this one. You would know in theory how to throw the winning touchdown, but your arm muscles wouldn’t be able to actually execute the move without practice.”

  “I know. That’s why I fence. That’s why I work out. That’s why I practice my music, and my magic, but practicing the magic doesn’t seem to help in the way I expected.” Since I still didn’t know if Ms. Winn were friend or foe, I probably shouldn’t have been talking to her about my potential weaknesses, but what reason could I have given for refusing? She clearly already knew the areas in which I struggled, anyway.

  “Has it occurred to you that in that case, the problem might not be lack of practice, but a blockage of some kind?”

  “Interesting, but I’ve never heard of a random magic blockage, in any of my lives. What do you think could cause such a thing?”

  Ms. Winn attempted what I think she wanted me to accept as a knowing look. “What makes this life different from your earlier ones?”

  “I never thought about it. I’m surrounded by modern technology. I’m living on the other side of the world. There are actually a lot of big differences.”

  “Is this perhaps the only life in which you were still a virgin at this age?”

  I nearly fell off my chair.

  Those of you who are still teenage guys, or at least remember what it was like, will know that, in general, about the last conversation you want to have with your mom is one about sex. True, Carrie Winn was not my mom, but she was about the same age. The conversation had gone from matter-of-fact to incredibly awkward in under sixty seconds.

  “I think,” I said, striving for a neutral tone, “there are a lot of cultures that think virginity is apt to give one greater spiritual and supernatural sensitivity.”

  “But certainly not the Celts! Was Morgan a virgin? Hardly. But she was one of the most powerful sorceresses who ever lived. Were the ladies of the lake? No? The queens of Avalon? No? Merlin? Obviously not! The first Taliesin? You know differently.”

  “Ms. Winn, with respect, you need to let me take care of that in my own way, and in my own time.”

  “Well, you are certainly taking your time about it!”

  “This isn’t the sixth century. Things were easier then.”

  Ms. Winn laughed hard at that. “Taliesin, do you really not know how the girls feel about you? Why, you could have had that brunette tonight. You could probably have had her in the bushes on the way in, if you had wanted. Why, Taliesin, I do believe you’re blushing. You never were such a prude before.”

  “Before?” I said, grasping at any possible change of subject. “You knew me in an earlier life?”

  “Oh, yes, very early indeed. But don’t change the subject. You do not lack for opportunities, Taliesin. You just don’t take them.”

  Well, she had me there. I knew on some level that I probably could find a willing girl. Yet, for all my joking about scripting porno movies in my head—actually, I guess I did do that sometimes—I felt differently about sex than I had in some of my earlier lives. Oh, I’m no saint, and I suppose if a beautiful girl threw herself at me—murderous Kelpies excepted—I would probably succumb. But I had a deep-seated aversion to the idea of having sex just to have it. Oh, I know, some of you are snickering, but it’s true—and it didn’t make me any less of a man, just a more sensible one. Actually, I was heartily sick of the way teenage society tries to measure a guy’s masculinity by how early and how often he’s had sex. I guess one of the advantages of having all those past life memories was being able to avoid some of the mistakes of the past. I have had lives in which I was an animal about sex, rutting with everything that moved, and lives in which I had made love only with those I loved. The latter ended up much better. So no, I wasn’t going to do it for the sake of doing it. My hormones wanted it for sure. There were days I felt racked with desire for it. But the one girl I would feel right about doing it with was the one girl I couldn’t have. Yeah, I still loved Eva, even having seen how cruel she could be to Dan. But nothing was ever going to happen there. I was not going to be Lancelot to her Guinevere and Dan’s Arthur, and not just because I needed Dan.

  Ms. Winn gave me a penetrating stare, as if trying to plumb the depths of my soul.

  “I am your protector, Taliesin. Am I also your friend?”

  “I…I guess. I don’t really know you.”

  “I understand your resistance to losing your virginity with some random girl. Would you feel the same way about losing it with a friend?”

  Was she going where I thought she was going?

  I started to get up, but she pushed me back into the chair with some force.

  “You haven’t answered my question.”

  “And I’m not going to. I don’t mean to be rude, but…oh, hell, did you mean…”

  “Taliesin, you are blushing again. At least give it some thought. I know many ways of pleasuring a man…”

  Oh, my God! Way too much information!

  Ms. Winn was an attractive woman…for someone of my mom’s generation. Maybe if I’d had a really massive Oedipus complex…no, probably not even then.

  “I’ve upset you. That wasn’t what I wanted. Listen, I know what the problem is. I’m too old for you…in this lifetime, anyway.”

  Ya think?

  “But,” she said, none too subtly positioning herself between me and door, “you ought to have guessed that I can be whoever you want. You want your first time to be with a particular young lady; so be it!”

  In the ne
xt few seconds, I learned three things.

  First, Carrie Winn could shape shift.

  Second, Carrie Winn could read minds.

  Third, Carrie Winn was not above fighting incredibly dirty to get what she wanted.

  Carrie Winn was no longer in front of me. Instead, I saw Eva, and every nerve in my body was on fire. I wanted to throw her on Ms. Winn’s enormous bed, undress her and love her until dawn, until every ounce of my strength and hers was spent. I wanted to become one with her and never let go.

  Ms. Winn almost had me. Caught off guard, I actually moved in the direction of “Eva,” who was falling back toward the bed, her smile inviting.

  The problem was, this wasn’t really Eva. True, precisely because it wasn’t Eva, I could theoretically have had sex without feeling as if I were betraying Dan, but I could not help thinking of Morgan, pretending a wasteland was Avalon and making it more of a wasteland in the process, setting up empty suits of armor for knights, giving orders to Sir Accolon, who had been dust for centuries, waiting for a Lancelot who had never loved her and would never love her. She went mad trying to remake the world in a way reality could not accommodate. Some problems can’t be fixed by magic, and all she had done was drive herself mad trying. I might be many things, but I would not be her. Making love to an imitation Eva, though, would have been a big step in that direction.

  Maybe that was what was wrong with Carrie Winn. Perhaps she too longed for something she couldn’t have. Perhaps I had become tangled into her delusion, since it was pretty hard to believe that it was present life me she wanted, for all her talk about how women desired me.

  I doubted I would ever know the answer to that question, but I did know what needed to happen now. I needed to make an exit, graceful hopefully, but an exit one way or the other.

  “I…don’t…want…this!” I forced the words out.

  “Oh, dear,” said Ms. Winn, in Eva’s voice. “If you want me to believe that, you really need to wear looser fitting pants.”

  By now I was bright red. She was using embarrassment to keep me off balance, and it was working. Besides, she still looked exactly like Eva. I could feel my resistance eroding by the second. I would bed her if I stayed. And I would lose myself in the process.

  I managed to rip myself back one step, two steps, turn toward the door. Somehow, Ms. Winn had locked it during the early part of our conversation.

  I drew White Hilt. The fire on the blade was less than that in my heart, but it would suffice.

  “Wait!” shouted Ms. Winn, suddenly herself again, to my mingled infinite relief and infinite frustration. “There’s no need to go hacking through my door. Taliesin, I was just trying to give you what I thought you needed—and wanted. I didn’t mean to upset you or frighten you. I am your friend, and your protector. If you wish, we will never discuss this subject again. And I’ll just unlock the door. No need for White Hilt tonight.” She brushed past me, produced a key from somewhere, and, good as her word, unlocked the door. I let White Hilt burn out and put it back in its scabbard.

  “Taliesin,” she said quietly. I think she was going to pat me on the shoulder but thought better of it. “I am sorry. I have overstepped; I know that now. Do you forgive me?”

  I nodded, though in truth I was the furthest thing from forgiving her.

  You see, I had realized a fourth thing about Carrie Winn.

  She was the enemy.

  I know some of you think I must have all kinds of sexual hang-ups, and that’s why I recoiled so hard, perhaps blaming Ms. Winn for my own neuroses. Nonsense! Would any of you really settle for someone who just looked like the one you loved, but wasn’t really that person, was in fact a very different person that you most profoundly did not want to have sex with? If so, which one of us is really the sick one?

  I put on the most emotionally neutral facade I could manage. I even tried to joke a little with her. She walked me down to the ballroom, I had a couple of dances for appearance’s sake, and, just when I figured I would scream if I had to stay any longer, the evening ended. In fact, Ms. Winn, in what I was now sure was a phony effort to seem sensitive, sent everyone home at almost exactly the moment when I desperately wanted to be gone.

  On the way home Stan babbled non-stop about how great the party was. I didn’t have the heart to tell him all was not as it seemed. Tomorrow would be soon enough for that.

  Tomorrow would be a quite a day for conversation.

  CHAPTER 13: MAKING PLANS

  I got through my parents grilling me about the party—barely. I wished I could have erased the memory of Ms. Winn’s effort to seduce me and truly joined their enthusiasm. From their point of view, to be among the few high school students invited into Awen was yet another sign I was destined for success, and I didn’t begrudge them their excitement about it. Nonetheless, the whole conversation gave me a headache, and having to conceal it from them only made it worse.

  By the time breakfast was over, I was daydreaming about what life would have been like without my sudden “awakening” at age twelve. My grades wouldn’t have been as good, my band would still have been terrible, but I would have been friends with Dan without all this complicated weirdness to wade through, Eva would still have been my girlfriend, and the two of us would doubtless have been going to tonight’s homecoming dance together, losing ourselves in the music and not having a care in the world. Most important, I would not have to worry what mythological monster I was going to have to tackle next, or what new strategy Ms. Winn was going to use to threaten me, or whether or not I was going to go over to meet Stan and find his bloody corpse in the gutter.

  Well, enough feeling sorry for myself for one day! Apparently, I was stuck with the life I had, for better or worse, and the old one was as dead as I would be if I didn’t figure out a way to play the hand fate had dealt me.

  After school I had a meeting with Nurse Florence and finally told who my enemy really was. To say that she was upset with me for not having talked to her earlier would have been a huge understatement.

  “Do you have a death wish?” she asked in a tone of voice that cut into me with her disappointment.

  “What was I supposed to do?” I countered defensively. “Either one of you could have been the enemy, but neither one of you ever mentioned the other. Suppose I had guessed wrong and told the enemy about my ally. Wouldn’t that have been worse?”

  “I suppose,” she conceded. “But how could you have not known, after seeing so much of me?”

  Because I was trying not to be superficial and assume that the hot chick had to be the good one.

  “You have done a lot, especially helping to rescue Stan, but wouldn’t a clever enemy have tried to lull me into a false sense of security? And Ms. Winn wasn’t exactly acting like the spawn of Satan, well, at least until last night.”

  And that brought us to the truly awkward part of the discussion. I felt I needed to tell Nurse Florence about the attempted seduction, but that’s a pretty awkward topic for a teenage guy to take up with a woman. My dad would have been a better choice—if he would have believed a word of it. Fortunately, Nurse Florence knew exactly what to say to keep me from feeling completely awkward, and she even managed not to call attention to my blushing. She did, however, want to discuss Winn’s goals, a topic that did make me feel more awkward.

  “I doubt that someone like Carrie Winn would do such a thing unless it served some purpose in her mind. Perhaps we can figure out what her purpose is, based on what she has been up to lately.”

  “I don’t know.” I shifted uncomfortably in the chair. “It seems pretty pointless to me.”

  “Think, Tal. There are only a finite number of possibilities.”

  “Such as?”

  “Could she conceivably want a child by you?”

  I almost fell off the chair. “What for? She certainly couldn’t claim me as the father, since I’m underage. Why would a public figure like Carrie Winn want to mother an illegitimate child?”

  “Th
ere could be something about your bloodline…but I agree, if she wants to keep her public image, she would be risking a lot—and I hear she is gearing up for a campaign for the state senate.” I thought about all the posturing on the night Stan was rescued. So Carrie Winn used the situation to generate more favorable political buzz.

  “If we assume the political career is not just a ruse of some kind, we can safely rule out trying to have you get her pregnant. Well, what else could she have to gain?”

  “Keep me off balance, maybe. The offer certainly had that effect, though I had a strong feeling she wanted me to accept it. And she seemed genuinely surprised by that refusal.”

  “Your instincts usually seem to be good, so let’s go with that for a moment. She wants sex with you, but not a child by you? What’s the point?”

  “It must be my irresistible charm,” I quipped, struggling to keep a straight face.

  “No, seriously.”

  “Well,” I said, trying to come up with a decent answer to that question and failing, “maybe she has something in mind like in the movie Scream. The idea there was that virgins were more likely to survive.”

  “That’s the best you can do? A horror movie? Well, if you will recall, in many early cultures, the virgins were the ones who got sacrificed.”

  “So she doesn’t intend me as a human sacrifice? Well, let’s celebrate.”

  “I can do without the sarcasm, thanks anyway. Maybe we should go back further for cultural antecedents.”

  “I know!” I said, thinking back to my much earlier lives. “She wants to ruin me for a grail quest. Galahad was a virgin, if I recall.” Now it was Nurse Florence’s turn to try to keep a straight face.

  “That theory would work a lot better if we had any realistic chance of mounting a grail quest at this point, but it is hard to see how she could be too afraid of that. No, I was thinking of Circe in the Odyssey. Remember that if she had taken Odysseus to bed without the special protection Hermes arranged for him, he would have been lost.” I thought a little about the analogy, chewed my lip a bit, and realized this was the best theory we had.