Only a Mother Knows

by Annie Groves

  ‘Isn’t that supposed to be my line?’ Rick asked before his easy laughter was overtaken by a paroxysm of obviously painful coughing.

  ‘They won’t discharge you from hospital with a cough like that,’ Tilly said, alarmed, guessing that he must have been given permission to come to the passing-out parade by the nearby military hospital and that he’d be under strict instructions to return by ten o’clock.

  ‘I’ll be fine, legacy of good old English chimneys,’ Rick gasped. ‘Now, where’s that drink?’

  ‘Can you drink whilst on medication?’ Tilly asked.

  ‘Only lemonade for me, worse luck,’ Rick told her.

  Tilly knew they’d been having a bad time of it when in June, General Erwin Rommel captured the port city of Tobruk in North Africa along with twenty-five thousand troops, which was where Rick must have picked up his injuries, not only to his eyes but to his lungs as well by the sound of it. Suddenly she felt the cheer go out of the day; here she was enjoying concert parties and dancing, when her fellow soldiers, sailors, airmen and -women were being injured in this way. She took a deep breath and forced herself to smile again.

  ‘Dulcie will be so pleased to see you.’

  It was only when Dulcie looked through the porthole window into David’s ward that she realised she had been a little rash in coming to the hospital. He was recovering from the pneumonia he had contracted just before he was due to go home, which had delayed his discharge by nearly two months. Although she’d often been to see him during that time she’d never told him about that time she got drunk and ended up in the air-raid shelter, nor about her ‘delicate condition’, as Olive would have called it. David would be so disappointed with her, she was sure.

  Dulcie could see him sitting at the side of his bed in the easy chair reading a book. Then, as if he sensed that she was there, he lifted his head and looked directly at her. His obvious surprise at seeing her standing outside the ward brought her to her senses. She shouldn’t be here! What could she possibly say to explain her sudden visit? It wasn’t even visiting time.

  He waved to her through the closed door and before she had time to turn and run from the hospital he was urging her to enter the ward. However, recalling the sergeant major of a matron, Dulcie didn’t want to get David into trouble.

  But moments later, clearly pleased – if his huge smile was anything to go by – David beckoned her onto the ward with a nod of his head. He was getting stronger every day and he was certainly becoming more independent, but not yet able to manoeuvre the wheelchair with only one arm, so she had no choice but to go in …

  David was full of obvious concern after she quietly tiptoed across the ward and automatically took the handles of the wheelchair. ‘Dulcie, what’s the matter, you look awful.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, her voice so shaky she could hardly get the words out.

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean …’

  ‘No, it’s me, I’m the one who should be sorry,’ she said in a rush. ‘I’ve come here upset, and now I’ve upset you too.’

  ‘Let’s go down to the garden, it’s awfully warm on the ward,’ David said kindly, which was almost too much for her, but she managed to hold back the tears. After all, she’d had years of practice. Expertly she guided the wheelchair down the corridor before coming to rest by the rose bushes, now bare of their flowers. Putting on David’s brake she sat on a bench, inhaling the tranquil fragrance of freshly cut grass; this was as far removed from the worldwide atrocities as it was possible to get, she thought.

  ‘I didn’t mean to trouble you,’ Dulcie said in a low voice, which was most unlike her.

  ‘No you haven’t, you could never trouble me, unless you’re going to tell me we won’t be seeing each other again.’ David gently took her hand and she folded her fingers around his, her eyes never lifting from the perfectly manicured lawn made smaller by the vegetable patch.

  ‘You might not think that when you hear what I’ve got to say.’

  It didn’t take Dulcie long to blurt out her sorry tale about Wilder and her sister at the train station back in July, plainly going somewhere given that Edith was carrying a suitcase; how, in her haste to get away, her shoe had snapped, and a nice kind American airman offered to help her … and then one thing led to another … By this time Dulcie was in tears and her words were coming out in huge sobs.

  ‘I cheapened myself,’ she cried, knowing if she didn’t tell David everything now she never would. She had been smitten and drunk, she confessed, and the act was over almost before it had begun.

  When she finished her story there was a flat silence between the two of them that had never existed before. It was obvious David was trying to digest the enormity of what she’d said. And the only thing that stopped her from getting up and running away from him now was that David still had hold of her hand. He’d never let go all the while she was speaking. Sobbing once more, she tried to explain what happened next, even telling David about her mother taking her to a backstreet abortionist; she hadn’t meant to mention that bit, but then realised that if David was going to hate her and send her away forever he might as well do it knowing all the facts. Dulcie held nothing back – nothing.

  ‘And where is he now, this over-eager GI?’ David’s face was pale and there was a hurt expression in his eyes she had never seen before. Any minute now he was going to tell her he was so disgusted with her he would prefer it if she left and never came back – and she couldn’t blame him.

  ‘He was killed on his way back from his first flying mission. I was shocked when I received the news. One of his buddies came to the house with a letter he had written and was too shy to post.’ Dulcie took a deep breath as the tears coursed down her cheeks but couldn’t resist adding, ‘Apparently he never stopped talking about me. Before he went on his only sortie he told his friend to contact me if the worst should happen.’ Dulcie tried to calm herself. ‘I can’t imagine why, we only met the once.’

  ‘And look what that once has left you with,’ David said, not unkindly, and Dulcie felt the gentle grip of his fingers tighten around hers. When she looked up into his caring, sympathetic eyes David smiled, and she was so glad she had shared her secret with him, the only other person beside her mother who knew she was having a baby.

  The relief made her a little lightheaded now. It was obvious David wasn’t judging her. He hadn’t told her to get out of his sight and never to come back again. He hadn’t called her horrible, shameful names, as her mother had, when she told him she was having another man’s child – and he could have done, some men would have done. But not David, kind, understanding David.

  ‘Dulcie, I’m going to say something now.’ He hesitated for just a moment and Dulcie’s heart leapt to her throat. Maybe David was going to come out with those things after all?

  ‘I don’t want you to say a word – just hear me out, will you do that?’ He gave her a little smile when she nodded like a child eager to please.

  ‘I’m not much of a catch any more as it goes, and I’m certainly not looking for sympathy, but … and you must think about it before you answer …’ He was quiet for the longest time and then he said, ‘Dulcie, will you marry me?’

  Dulcie stared at him, hardly able to believe what David had just asked her to do. For a split second she recoiled at the thought, and immediately felt shame. He was her friend and she had flinched for the merest fraction of time, but even that was long enough to see the veil of regret reflected in David’s eyes.

  ‘Oh, David, I am so sorry.’ Dulcie didn’t know what to think, or how to behave, as she was quite overwhelmed by his proposal. They were quiet for a moment, each lost in their own thoughts.

  ‘Please, don’t mention it, I should never have asked you, let’s forget I said anything.’

  ‘But you are being so kind, David, I don’t deserve it,’ Dulcie said, wrapping her fingers more readily around his now. ‘Your question took me by surprise – it was the last thing I expected.’ In her heart Dulc
ie knew she loved him as a friend – but was that enough, she wondered.

  ‘I’m doing you no favours here, Dulcie,’ David said, his voice low, hardly above a whisper. ‘If the truth be told, I’m being very selfish indeed. You see, I will never be able to father a child of my own given my injuries,’ he was going to make one last effort to change her mind now, ‘and the child, he could possibly be my child no matter how he is conceived, he is the innocent party in all of this … Don’t you see, I could make you very happy given a chance, Dulcie, if only you would let me.’

  Dulcie’s tears ran afresh down her cheeks. He was her best friend, he had listened to her deluded ramblings without so much as a word of reproach and, if the truth be known, she had felt so sorry for him. But was kindness and pity the basis for a solid, successful marriage? Her thoughts were all over the place, and a little voice inside her head was telling her that it would be an easy way out of her predicament.

  ‘Don’t answer now, think about it, and give yourself time for the shock to subside …’

  ‘I’m worried that you will look at the child in years to come and you would resent me.’

  ‘I’ve always wanted children,’ David said as the ghost of a smile crossed his handsome face and, as if seeing him for the first time, Dulcie noticed a vulnerability she hadn’t recognised before. ‘I can’t see that happening, can you?’

  ‘I don’t know what to say.’ Dulcie knew David was offering her an escape route. ‘But I don’t know if I could give you what you want: a loving, stable marriage.’

  ‘I will take anything you want to give, Dulcie, no matter how small. I have loved you from the moment I set eyes on you.’

  ‘You have?’ Dulcie could hardly believe what David was saying. ‘Maybe you are just being kind and offering a way out but …’

  ‘No, Dulcie, I’m not, if anything I’m the one being selfish. You can have any man you desire.’

  ‘I can’t, and please don’t mention desire, that is a very dangerous emotion.’ She tried to laugh but this was no laughing matter, she knew, especially when she saw the earnest expression in David’s beautiful eyes.

  ‘It is a lot to ask given my injuries but I assure you I’m not looking for a full-time nurse, I have plenty of money to pay for one of those.’

  ‘I don’t mind helping you –’ David held up his hand to still her words but she carried on regardless ‘– not just because of your injuries or the care you would need. I would do that in a heartbeat, and nobody is more shocked by that than I am, so that proves you are a really good friend to me, David. No, it’s …’ She hesitated ‘… because I’m not worthy of you.’ There, she’d admitted it. Dulcie wasn’t usually the kind of girl who looked far below the surface. She either wanted something or she didn’t. ‘I don’t go in for soul-searching most of the time. I’m quite straightforward really. See it. Want it. Get it. That’s me.’

  ‘Dulcie, you are the least straightforward girl I have ever met,’ David laughed. ‘I have never come across another woman who has so many layers. One has to dig very far down to get to the real you. In fact I think it is a lifetime’s work …’

  Dulcie refrained from one of her usual barbs when David added quickly, ‘But I love what I see so far.’ The smile on his face made her want to smile too.

  ‘Don’t say anything, at least not tonight.’ David watched her closely. ‘I know I could make you the happiest woman in the world given half the chance, I have loved you for such a long time I can’t recall the time when I didn’t.’

  ‘I’m not sure, David,’ Dulcie answered. ‘It would be so easy to say yes and take everything you are offering to me, but would I be worthy of your love? Would I be able to live up to the image you have of me – have you created a fantasy of a perfect woman? I don’t think I am that woman. Especially not the one you deserve, my love.’

  Dulcie realised what she had just said and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to call David her love. They looked at each other, really looked into each other’s eyes and saw the love that lay beneath. The realisation, no, the acknowledgment of their love, had been a long time coming but they now knew they didn’t need words to convey the deep affection they both shared.

  ‘You need time; I understand that, Dulcie, it is a lot to take in.’

  ‘No, I know exactly what I want, David. I have known it for a long time but I have never dared believe I was worthy of your affection, let alone the offer of marriage …’

  ‘We’re not starry-eyed kids, Dulcie, we both know there will be a lot of give and take on both sides, but we can get through it … Can’t we?’

  With tears of happiness in her eyes Dulcie gently caressed his fingers, not looking at him now when she said in a low voice, ‘We can only try, David. I will make mistakes and you will make mistakes, I’m sure of that, so we might as well make mistakes together.’

  ‘And who said romance was dead, my darling Dulcie.’ There was a catch in David’s voice, and when she looked up Dulcie could see that he too had tears in his eyes and as she gently wiped them away he took her hand and he kissed it, before pulling her towards him and tenderly kissing her cares away.

  Moments later he said in a low, loving, happy whisper: ‘I’ll make arrangements for a special licence; we can be married by the end of the month.’

  ‘Oh, darling, that would be wonderful …’

  Only a Mother Knows

  FOURTEEN

  ‘Married!’

  Olive, Sally and Agnes chorused in unison, hardly able to believe what Dulcie had just told them. They had just finished their tea of rissoles, boiled potatoes and veg from the garden when she made her announcement.

  ‘Well, you are a dark horse,’ Sally said, secretly aghast, whilst jumping up to throw her arms around her friend and encouraging Olive and Agnes to do likewise. In moments they were all laughing and crying and asking all sorts of questions. When? Where? Why so quick? This last was asked by Sally, and Dulcie laughed, even though she didn’t answer.

  Sally had always seen Dulcie and David’s relationship as one of mutual support and friendship rather than a romantic one, and she still felt that way. She knew Dulcie would always be there for him when he needed her and she would try never to hurt him, and that they respected each other. However, they would have to take each day as it came, whatever happened, and she wondered if Dulcie knew what she was letting herself in for marrying a man with so many injuries. After all, Sally thought, not unkindly, Dulcie hadn’t been the kind of girl one would have expected to be the nursing type.

  Although, if she was to sum up their relationship she would say they were probably more suited than a lot of married couples she had come across lately and after the war was over, how many marriages would prove to be rock solid? She’d heard tell that there were many soldiers who had been away since the beginning of the war coming home on leave to brand-new babies, especially now the Yanks were over here.

  ‘David is being discharged from hospital on Monday,’ Dulcie said, interrupting Sally’s thoughts, ‘and we will be married by special licence on Friday.’ Her eyes were shining brightly now as she went on to tell them that David had made the necessary arrangements for the civil ceremony from his hospital bed. Dulcie didn’t know how and she didn’t ask, but once she said yes to his proposal everything moved at breakneck speed. ‘He has a little flat above his chambers and intends to go back to his barrister work not far from here, and after the honeymoon I will move in there with him, of course.’

  ‘A honeymoon as well, how romantic,’ Agnes sighed. She couldn’t imagine having a honeymoon. She couldn’t imagine having a wedding either, on account of a large chunk of Ted’s wages going to support his mother and two sisters, but she didn’t like to dwell.

  ‘Oh, this house will be so quiet without you, Dulcie.’ Olive scraped back her chair and she took her lodger in her motherly arms and hugged her, realising how fond she had grown of this chippy young woman who, beneath the hair and make-up, was as vulnerable a
s the rest of them if the truth be known. Then, as if a thought had just struck her, Olive took a pencil and paper from the polished bureau in the front room and began to make a list.

  ‘I’ll have to see what I can get from the grocer for the wedding breakfast table.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll go down to the local food office in the Town Hall, David told me they issue permits for occasions like this, although there is a limit as to how many people you can invite, which rules out my mother and certainly my sister,’ Dulcie said determinedly.

  ‘I know I can borrow cardboard icing from the baker to go over the cake – I’m afraid it will only be one tier though, Dulcie …’ Dulcie laughed, watching her landlady’s mind obviously working overtime. ‘How many people will you be inviting?’

  Dulcie was thrilled that Olive was thoughtful enough to put on a spread for her wedding. ‘It’s going to be a very low-key but dignified ceremony, just me and David – obviously – and then,’ she turned to Olive, ‘I thought you and the girls would like to come,’ she added almost shyly.

  ‘Just you try and stop us!’ they all cried.

  ‘It’s only going to be a very quiet ceremony in the register office in Marylebone Road. We don’t want a fuss.’

  ‘That’s not like you, Dulcie,’ Agnes chuckled and then lowered her eyes when Olive gave her a little shake of her head.

  Olive, meanwhile, was keeping her suspicions to herself, knowing that only time would tell why this particular wedding would be so quiet and so hurried. ‘David will want a quiet wedding after being cooped up in hospital for so long, don’t you agree, Agnes?’

  ‘Of course he will, how silly of me.’ Agnes gave a nervous laugh.

  ‘No, it’s not that,’ Dulcie said, giving Agnes a warm smile. ‘I only want the people around me who matter. David’s been married before and he doesn’t want a lot of fuss and that suits me fine too.’

  ‘Oh, Dulcie,’ Olive exclaimed, ‘are you sure you want to go from here and not your mother’s house?’ Olive had noticed a marked change in Dulcie since that day Tilly had left for her ATS training. Maybe it was because she had more time to observe more closely the other girls who lived here in Article Row, or maybe it was because she needed something to take her fretful mind off her daughter.