Never Say Goodbye

by Angie Merriam

  I pulled out my notebook and started to write. Since losing Chinda that night, writing had become my escape. Well, writing and drugs and booze and random groupies that all resembled a prostitute. Normally, while traveling between shows, I'd get high and either pass out from exhaustion or write. I had no desire to get high though. I was still riding the high of the girl. Kendra or Chinda. Whoever she was, I had to know her. For the first time in over ten years, I didn't have the urge to smoke a joint or snort cocaine. I was sober, and it was both liberating and frightening.

  The plane left the tarmac, pulling me tight against my seat. My stomach dropped, and my heart sped up. I love the feeling of takeoff. There was something about being cocooned in thousands of pounds of metal while slicing through the air miles above the earth. It was a rush I could never get from drugs. Once the plane hit altitude and leveled off I was able to relax. Leaning my head against the seat, I allowed my eyes to close.

  “Elijah, wake up. We are ready to land.” My sister was shaking my shoulder. I looked at her through sleepy eyes. We'd left Portland at midnight so I knew it was at least 3:00 A.M., and I was exhausted. “It's weird to see you sleeping, bro. You usually party your ass off on these trips,” she said, sitting beside me, buckling the seatbelt. I felt the plane descend and looked at my window. The city was enormous. Twinkling lights lit up the darkness creating the illusion of a beautiful sky. I sat up, stretched my arms, yawned and buckled my own seatbelt.

  My sister was right. I always brought a girl or two on the plane with me and spent the short flight fucked up and fucking. I refused to see it before I saw Kendra, but I was out of control. The other guys had girls here and there, and they did their fair share of partying but it was me that never stopped. Never slowed down. Never took a break from the only things I'd found to numb the pain I'd carried for so long.

  The plane was strangely quiet. “Why is it so quiet?” I asked Elsie. She smiled at me and patted my leg.

  “Well, bro, you didn't bring any ho's on the plane this time,” she said with a sad smile.

  “I'm not the only one that likes groupies, Elsie.”

  “No, but you are the party guy. You are the one that brings the booze, the drugs, and the girls.”

  “Bullshit, they bring girls and booze.”

  “Elijah, the party scene is more about you these days. You know you're the only one doing drugs still and yeah, we all party and get drunk but not night after night. Not anymore, bro. Oregon was hard for you. It was hard for me. We partied to get through that fucking show, but the guys aren't all about sex, drugs and rock and roll anymore. You've failed to notice that things are changing, Elijah. Did you know all the guys have girlfriends?” She asked accusingly. I felt shame wash over me. I didn't know. I hadn't cared enough to know. I shook my head no.

  “Well, they do. Neil met a girl in New York last year and Nathan met a nice girl in Sacramento and

  guess what, El? They've been touring with us ever since.”

  “Really?” I asked, disbelief in my voice. We'd been on tour for over a year all over the world. We were near the end, which meant their girlfriends had been on tour with us for at least nine months, and I didn't even know their names.

  “Really, Elijah. It's been rough with you, little brother. It's time you woke up from this nightmare you insist on living and start living in reality. Regardless of who this girl is, you have to start living. We're all worried about you.”

  “Why haven't you said anything?” I couldn't believe I'd been so fucked up that I'd missed what was going on with my bandmates, my friends. I couldn't believe my sister let me spiral out of control.

  “We were waiting until the tour was over. We already have an intervention planned. Until then we just wanted to keep you alive and able to perform. Here’s the thing, El, if this thing with Kendra or Chinda or whoever she is doesn’t work out, I don't want to see you fall further away from me. You can't lose yourself. I'm scared of losing you.” My sister had a tear in her eye, and I felt like the biggest dick in the world.

  “I'm sorry, sis. I know this hasn't been easy for you and I thank God you're here with me. I don't know what's going to happen with this girl, but I know in my heart that I have to see. I have to try. For the first time since Chinda died, I feel alive. It will work out. It has to work out.” I offered her a weak smile and made a silent promise to myself to clean my shit up.

  The plane landed smoothly, and I followed Elsie off the plane. “What about you, sis? You found prince charming on this tour?” I asked only half teasing.

  “You're so fucking blind, Elijah. He's right in front of your face,” she said before looking at Christian. He was standing there waiting for something. Smiling. I looked from my sister to my friend and back and it dawned on me. He was waiting for Elsie. Holy shit! She went to him and kissed his cheek. He looked back to me, his face asking if I was cool with this. “Well, motherfucker! You're Elsie's prince charming and she's your one true love?” I asked, teasingly.

  “You okay with this, bro? I mean, it doesn't matter if you are or not because yes, I am very much in love with your sister and that's not going to change but you're my best friend. This would be so much easier if you're cool with it.”

  I smiled at both of them and for the first time, in so long, I felt genuine happiness. “Are you kidding? Couldn't be happier. Congrats! Just take care of my sister, bro. I'd hate to kick your ass,” I said before embracing him in a one armed, manly type hug. “As if you could,” he replied laughing. “Let's not find out boys,” my sister said as Christian and I began mock fighting. I had him in a headlock when she stepped in.

  “Come on, boys, let's get the hell off of this plane and get to the hotel. I need to sleep,” she said before leaving us on the plane.

  “She's kinda bossy. Think you can handle her?” I asked Christian, following behind Elsie.

  “I prefer to think of her as beautifully commanding with a heart of gold,” Christian replied when he saw my sister glaring at him, daring him to respond. She softened her look and shot him a smile. “Good answer, baby,” she said and continued to walk away.

  An hour later I was sliding my key into my hotel room. I tossed my bag on the floor and headed for the mini bar. Only a few shots I told myself. I promised myself that I'd mellow out on the drinking and stop using drugs. I downed one shot of whiskey and reveled in the burn it created from my throat to my belly. The feeling that always reminded me that I was alive. Pain only exists in the living.

  I looked around my room. I'd been living out of a hotel for so long. They were all similar. Suites, with a bedroom, living area, fancy bathrooms, stellar views and mini bars. The décor was always different but the offering the same, comfort and booze. I grabbed my bag from the floor and brought it to the couch. I set it beside me and stared at it for a long time. The contents would settle my nerves, help me sleep, or send my heart racing and my energy levels soaring. I had a small pharmacy in my bag. I carried both prescription and street drugs with me at all times.

  I slowly unzipped the bag and began emptying the contents. The clothes piled up beside me on the couch while the drugs stood at attention on the table, beckoning me. They tempted me, taunted me. The urge to consume them was overwhelming. I felt beads of sweat burst through my skin. I felt a trembling deep inside my body while my brain screamed for a fix. I gathered up the bottles and baggies and walked on shaky legs to the luxurious bathroom where I flushed every last drug down the toilet.

  I went to sleep with a clear head but an angry body. When I woke I was surprisingly alert and excited about the nights show. I couldn't wait to see her again. She was my new addiction. I ate some breakfast before showering and getting dressed. I felt alive. Part of me died with Chinda. I'd been going through the motions of life without living. I wanted to live again. It was time to live again. I grabbed a cup of coffee and my guitar before heading out to my balcony to write.

  I cleared my head of everything but her. I strummed a few chords before I w
rote the lyrics.

  I take a shot of rum

  before I light the joint

  I revel in the numb

  I wonder what's the point

  I live day to day

  But I don't live at all

  I have so much to say

  Yet all I do is fall

  Something take the pain away

  Something make me feel again

  The darkness fights to stay

  It will always win

  It will always win

  The substances overcome me

  My world begins to gray

  If only I could see

  If only I could pray

  I wander through the world lost

  I'm trying to find my way

  Living comes at what cost

  Will death come another day

  Something take the pain away

  Something make me feel again

  I fear the darkness is here to stay

  It will always win

  It will always win

  Fucking take the pain away

  Dear God make me feel again

  The darkness can't be here to stay

  It can't always win

  It can't always win

  I work my fingers on the guitar strings trying to put music to my words. I'm so lost in the process of writing that I don't hear Elsie knocking until the pounding has become frantic, and I hear her shrill voice on the other side of the door. I realize how worried she must be every time she knocks on my door, and I don't answer. I feel like an asshole for putting her through that. I gently set my guitar down and go to calm my sister.

  I open the door and see something in her eyes I'd missed in my drug induced stupor. Worry. Fear. Anger. Sadness. Her eyes punch me in the gut, take my breath away. “Jesus Christ, Elijah. You scared the shit out of me,” she said through heavy breaths, and I realize I've heard her say that before. Many times. I grab my sister and pull her into a hug. “I'm sorry, Els. I'm so fucking sorry.” I feel her body relax against mine before she pulls away to look at me.

  “What's going on, El? Are you fucked up right now?” Her eyes were searching me. I wondered when the last time she'd seen me sober or not hungover in the morning was. I couldn't remember.

  “No, I'm not fucked up right now, Elsie. I flushed all the drugs down the toilet last night and only took one shot of whiskey. I'm done with all that, sis. It's time for me to start living again.” I smile at her and see doubt wash over her face.

  “I really want to believe you, bro, but I don't think you can just give them up. Maybe you need rehab or something. I mean, what about withdrawals and shit?” I turn and go to the couch. She follows, closing the door behind her. “Look, I don't know if I can do it all on my own but I want to try. I haven't touched a drug in two days. Honestly, last night was a little rough. I had the shakes and sweats, but I feel great today. I think I can kick this on my own. I think I'm getting a second chance, Elsie. I don't need that shit anymore.”

  “And what if things don't work out with the ghost girl? What if she's not Chinda and she walks away from you? Then what? You go back to barely living?”

  “No, even if it doesn't work with her, I won't go back to that life. I promise you. I'll make you a deal okay? If I relapse on the drugs, I will go to rehab, no questions but let me do this my way this time. Okay?” She shook her head in agreement, but I knew she still doubted me and with good reason. “Hey, I wrote a new song. Come out here, I want you to hear it.” I went back to the balcony and waited for her to get comfortable before I began to play it. The words were personal, and I knew she'd get them. I finished and looked to her for approval.

  “Well? What do you think? Think the guys will like it?”

  “That's fucking beautiful, bro. They will love it. Your darkness is lifting. It won't win. You're going to kick the shit out of it,” she said, and I saw the tears in her eyes.

  “Thanks, Elsie. Now go get the guys. Tell them to bring their instruments and grab your bass. Let's try it out. I want to perform it tonight.”

  “Are you serious? I don't know if it's possible to get it together that quick.”

  “Sure it is. We're Briston, the best fucking band in the world,” I said laughing. “Go on, let's at least try.”

  “Okay, I'll be right back.” She left me there on the balcony. I played the song over and over until it was burned into my brain. I wouldn't have forgotten it anyway. It was my fuck you song to the life that I'd been living. About twenty minutes later, I heard the door open and the murmur of voices. “He's out here. Come on,” I heard Elsie say. She stepped outside with Christian, Nate and Neil behind her. She had her bass, Christian carried his guitar, Nate brought his bongo drum, and Neil had his harmonica. “Hey, dude. I hear we have a new song to learn,” Nate said in greeting. I stood up and slapped hands with all three of them, encouraging them to take a seat.

  “Yeah, wrote it this morning. Did my sister fill you in on my newfound sobriety? No more drugs and less booze. I want to apologize to you guys. I've spent the last ten years all fucked up and know I haven’t been at my best. That's going to change. So, anyway, without sounding all sappy like a fucking woman, I'm sorry.”

  “We've always got your back, bro. If you hit a rough spot or whatever, you can come to us,” Christian said, and I nodded in appreciation.

  “I think we need to get a little feminine boys,” Nate proclaimed.

  “Hear, hear! I do think this calls for some girly times!” Neil chimed in.

  “Oh shit.” I got out before the guys pulled me into an enormous hug and some rib jabs. “Okay, okay! Let him up boys. Jesus you're like ten year old boys. Come on, we have a song to learn.” I heard Elsie's voice somewhere outside of the pile of bodies that were now on me. Slowly, they began getting off of me. “Sorry, mom,” Neil said to Elsie, his head hung in shame, a sly smile reaching the corners of his mouth. Nate passed Elsie and tipped his head her way. “Sorry, mama,” he said and sat down. Christian was the last to disembark from the pile. “Oh don't look so stern, babe. This is a great fucking day!” He said to Elsie before kissing her nose and sitting down. Nate and Neil looked from them to me and back again.

  “Yes, I know all about it and yes, I'm cool with it. Now, let's learn this song,” I said and played through it. Once I finished I started again, hearing Nate tap his drum in beat. A few chords later Christian joined in. When it was over we started again, this time Elsie joined in and Neil. We played it over and over with Christian and Elsie singing harmony on the chorus. We went through it at least twenty times before we stopped and looked at each other. “Hell yeah, that's a good one, bro. Good job!” Christian said, raising his hand for a high five. “It's good?”

  “Good, it's great,” Neil chimed in.

  “Think we can perform it tonight?” I asked.

  “Fuck yes! We will play the shit out of that song. Come on, we have rehearsal in an hour. We can run through it again a few times,” Nate said.

  We stood up. I thrust my hand out and the others piled their hands on top. “Here's to a new future and a stellar show tonight. One, two, three Briston!” I exclaimed. Shouts of Briston, Briston were chanted before we broke apart and left for rehearsal.

  Chapter Four

  Vegas was on fire for the show. We were playing at The Mirage, which was one of my favorite places in all of Vegas to play. The crowd was electric. The energy was palpable. The band was spot on and giving a killer performance.

  “How you doing, Vegas?” I yelled and if sounds were solid I would have been blown off the stage. The cacophony of voices, screaming and cheering bounced off the walls and settled in my chest. It was overwhelming and humbling.

  “We have a new song we'd like to play for you tonight! Is that okay with you, Vegas?” I spread my arms out as though I could pull in every one of the fans and hold them in a hug. They went crazy at the mention of a new song. I smiled and took a sip of water before looking at the others. “Ready?” I mouthed and watche
d all four of my bandmates smile back at me. When we finished the song the crowd erupted in applause. We played a few more songs before we closed the show and exited the stage.