Never Say Goodbye

by Angie Merriam

  “I'll tell you this; your parents didn't approve of us back then. I wasn't good enough for you. We loved each other, so it didn't matter. Then there was an accident and you were gone. Your name is not Kendra, it's Chinda and I have loved you every day since the day I lost you. As much as I want you to stay here with me and never go back, I know that's not reasonable. You have this whole other life and I don't fit into that life. If, at any point, you remember it all and you understand what we had and what you'd be leaving and you chose me, then find me. God, please come find me because I will always be here waiting for you.”

  “Maybe I don't want to leave, Elijah. What if I want to stay here with you, right now, forever?” She stood up and came over to me.

  “You can't. Not yet. Not until you remember. If you remember.”

  “I want to stay with you tonight, Elijah. Please let me stay with you. I need to feel you. Please,” she begged and the yearning and desperation was so clear in her voice. She stood strong in front of me, her breast touching my chest. Her hands on her hips. “I want you to stay, Chinda,” I said using her real name. “But I don't think that's what's best for you.” She planted her palms flat on my chest and shoved me with all her strength causing me to stumble backwards. Fury flashed through her green eyes, and her pale skin burned crimson.

  “What the fuck was that for?” I challenged when I found my footing. She came at me again, this time I was ready and grabbed her by the wrists before she could push me again. She fought me and I found she was much stronger than I'd given her credit for. “Stop it, Chinda!”

  “No, fuck you, Elijah! All my life I've been told what to do and what not to do. Always told it's what's best for me! No one has ever asked what I wanted, Elijah! I thought you were different but you're not!” She had tears streaming down her cheeks, and she'd stopped fighting me. We were both breathless and weak from struggling. I let her hands go but didn't move away from her.

  “I'm nothing like them,” I told her sternly.

  “Yes, you are,” she replied stubbornly.

  “Chinda, tell me what you want. What do you want?” I'd surrendered. I knew it would never work, not this way. Our love was in the past. It was a memory. Memories she didn't have. She was grasping for a dream.

  “I want you,” she replied quietly.

  “Are you sure? You don't even know me.”

  “But I feel you, Elijah. I feel us. I may not remember us. I may not remember the love but I feel it. Please don't push me away.”

  I brought my hands up to her cheeks, wiping the tears away with my thumb. I cradled her cheek in my hand and felt my heart shatter and repair in one swift motion when she turned her head to kiss the palm of my hand. Before I could talk myself out of it again I pulled her into me and covered her mouth with mine.

  Ten years of anger, hurt, and loneliness were packed into our first kiss. I couldn't get close enough to her. My tongue danced with hers. My teeth nipped at her lip. I wrapped my hands through her hair and let her kiss bring me back to life. She was the same. I recognized her mouth, her taste. Her hair was soft under my hands. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I pulled away.

  “If we continue like this I won't be able to stop, Chinda. You have no fucking idea how much I've missed kissing you. I can't stop if we go further. Are you sure you're ready for this?” I hoped to God she didn’t want me to stop.

  “I’m sure, Elijah. Please, don’t stop,” she replied breathlessly not caring to correct me for calling her Chinda. I pulled her face back to me covering her mouth with mine. The feel of her arms around my neck was electric. I needed to feel her, every inch of her. I tried to hold back, take it slowly, but it was the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done. All I wanted was to be so far inside her, to feel the warmth of her that I’d missed since our first and only time the night she died.

  I found strength somewhere inside to pull away. “Come on,” I said, pulling her with me toward my bedroom. My mind raced. Every inch of my body wanted to make love to this woman. My heart wanted to love her. My lungs wanted to share her oxygen. My senses were on overload with her taste, her scent, her beauty and her gentle moans did things to me I’d never felt before. My brain though, my brain was weary. Worried. What if I made love to her and she disappeared. What if I was imagining her? Maybe I’d finally done enough drugs and lost my mind.

  I turned to her and felt relief to realize she was real. She was right there, beautiful and wanting me. I let my fingers skim the hem of her shirt before snaking their way under and up until I was pulling it over her head. Her skin was so soft. So warm. I dipped down and kissed her neck then her collarbone while my fingers worked to undo her bra strap. She stood still the entire time letting me explore. Her heavy breathing told me she approved.

  Once I unhooked the bra I let it fall forward, catching her breasts in my hands. I continued kissing her chest, working my way down until her nipple was in my mouth, and I heard her gasp. I teased and sucked until her nipples stood erect and her breasts felt heavy in my hands, swollen from lust. I stood up to meet her eyes again, which were heavy and lustful. I closed the small distance between us and kissed her again while her hands worked to remove my shirt. I was fumbling with the buttons when she slid her hands between our bodies and grabbed my shirt, pulling hard so all the buttons flew off. I shrugged the rest of the way out of the shirt then pulled her close again. The feeling of her skin on mine caused shivers down my spine.

  We each fumbled to remove our pants, our eyes never leaving each other. My heart was racing wildly. The anticipation was almost more than I could take. We stood before each other, naked and wanting, my breath being ripped away from me and held hostage by her. “Jesus, you’re so beautiful,” I managed. She smiled hesitantly at me.

  “I’m sure you’ve seen lots of beautiful women, Elijah,” she said quietly and shrank back slightly. She was nervous and comparing herself to my past indiscretions.

  “Yes, I have but none like you,” I began. I needed her to know that she was and is the only woman I could ever truly want. I moved closer to her, my fingers brushing her cheek. “I’ve had my share of women, I won’t deny that. When I lost you I lost myself. I slept with so many women trying to find that feeling, this feeling again. If I had known that one day you would come back to me I never would have touched another woman.”

  I let my fingers fall to her neck gently caressing her as they explored. “You do things to me, Chinda, things no other woman has come close to doing. My hands beg to touch your soft skin. My tongue yearns to taste you. My cock aches to be inside you. But my heart, it fucking breaks for you. All those other women are nothing.” Our bodies were meshed together now, her head rested on my chest. Her arms wrapped around me. I gently urged her to the bed until I had her there, laid out before me. I gently positioned myself over her.

  “I meant what I said, Chinda, if you aren’t ready I will stop but please tell me soon because I don’t know how much more I can take. The need to crawl inside you is too overwhelming to resist.”

  “I’m sure, Elijah. I’m nervous but I want you too. I need you to know something though.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I’m not this kind of girl. I don’t do these kinds of things. It’s just different with you. I may not remember us but I feel us and I want this with you.”

  I covered her mouth again, kissing her deeply before I broke away. “I feel us too, Chinda, and you’re right, you’re not this kind of girl. You’re my girl, you have always been. I will never love another woman like I love you. Now let me help you remember us.”

  I began my feast of her body. I took as much of her body in my mouth as I could from her neck to her breasts down her belly to just above her pubic bone. I kissed her ankles before working my way up to her inner thigh and landing on the warm and inviting flesh between her legs. Her gasps urged me on, and I feasted on her until her hands were wound through my hair, holding my head in place while my tongue brought her to ecstasy. Her body q
uaked and quivered then stilled. I moved back up her body.

  “Open your eyes, please. I need you to look at me when I make love to you.”

  She looked at me, her eyes, as green as fresh summer grass, were hazy but they focused on me. I quickly rolled on a condom before placing myself at her entrance. My dick was so hard and stretched it was almost painful. Her legs fell apart allowing me to slide inside her in one swift move. Her eyes widened. Her breath sped up, matching my own. I moved slowly at first, needing to feel every inch of her on me. I fit perfectly inside her. She wrapped her legs around my back, locking her ankles together. I began to move fast, harder, frenzied.

  I felt my own body tense as I reached my peak, never losing eye contact with her. She moved with me until I saw her own orgasm in her eyes when they tried to close. “No, don’t close your eyes. Look at me. Remember me, Chinda.” I begged just as I found my release and she screamed in pleasure. I collapsed on top of her, breathing heavy and sweaty. Her arms tightened around me, holding me there while we both recovered.

  Once I’d found my wits again I rolled slowly off of her and onto my back. She moved over until her head was on my chest, my arm cradling her to me. “Do you want to clean up?” I asked her but she shook her head no. “I just want to stay like this,” she whispered. “Me too,” I replied before drifting into a peaceful sleep. When I woke up she was gone, a note left on the pillow where her head had been.

  Dear Elijah,

  I can’t lie and say I remember everything because I don’t but I remember something. I need to figure out who I was, who we were. So much of my life the last ten years has been a lie. Thank you for showing me the truth. I’ll understand if you can’t wait for me. Please know I am trying to find my way back to you but first I need to find it myself.

  Kendra wait, Chinda.

  PS. Please don’t look for me. I need this time to figure things out. Until we meet again xoxoxoxo

  Just like that she was gone.

  Chapter Six

  I sat on the edge of the bed, the bed we’d just made love in, still naked and held her note in my hands. I wasn’t sure what I was expected to do exactly. Yes, she was specific in saying not to look for her but shit, what the hell was I supposed to do? Go on with life as though I’d never seen her, never felt her in my arms, never loved her again? Tears stung me and I cursed her out loud for it. I’d nearly crumbled the note but decided to fold it neatly instead before hauling my sorry ass out of bed.

  I showered and changed my heart heavy but still hopeful. The letter wasn’t goodbye. She just needed some time, and that was understandable. She just realized she wasn’t who she thought she was. She has a family and a fiancé to think about. I would give her time to figure things out but promised if she wasn’t at the last show in L.A. one month from now, I’d go look for her. I lost her once, I wasn’t about to lose her again but I’d be patient, somewhat.

  It was our last day in Vegas before we played a show in Arizona then headed back to our respective homes for a break before our last five shows. I had just shoved my last t-shirt into my suitcase when I heard a knock on the door. Chinda was my first thought, and my heart sped up a little. I took a deep breath and hoped like hell that it was her.

  “Hey.” I got from a smiling face, but it wasn’t Chinda’s.

  “Hey yourself,” I replied with much less enthusiasm. Elsie walked in, her smile fading when she realized my mood.

  “Everything okay, bro?” she asked carefully. I knew she was worried about me. I’d only been clean a few days and in all honesty, I was beginning to feel a strong pull to get high. I was stronger than the drugs though, at least I hoped so.

  “Hunky dory, sis,” I replied, offering her a comforting smile. She looked around the room, searching for a sign of something. That I was clean or high? I don’t know which.

  “I’m not high, Elsie. I told you I got rid of all that shit and I’ve drank very fucking minimally the past few days. You can stop looking for the wagon that you think I’m going to fall off of,” I said with a little more of an edge than I intended. I knew she was worried and I loved my sister, but I was irritated and my fuse was short.

  “Sorry, Elijah. I do worry,” she said looking at me. Her eyes were lined with worry. Lines I’d put there. Jesus, I was a shit.

  “It’s okay, Els, I know you do. I told you, I’m done with that shit. I have a new addiction,” I told her trying to sound happier.

  “Is this addiction blond?” She asked teasingly.

  “She is,” I replied, smiling a real smile this time. Talking about her made me happy. The prospect of a future with her made me happy, even if I had to live without her for a short time. What was a few months compared to the last ten years?

  “Are you convinced she’s Chinda?” My sister asked while she poured a glass of OJ.

  “Positive. We talked about it. She was in an accident and moved a lot with her family, not settling for too long in one place. Her memories are coming back though, Elsie. That’s why she was at our show. She’d been having dreams about me before she heard who we were. She’s remembering she just can’t put the memories back together yet.”

  “Well, where the hell is she now?” Elsie asked unable to hide the excitement that was clear in her voice. Her smile spread across her pretty face showcasing the perfectly straight teeth our parents had worked their asses off for her to have. Outside of the few tiny lines, my sister was still a very pretty woman. I was glad for her and Christian. They were good together.

  “She’s gone,” I replied, handing her the note that I’d been carrying around in my pocket since I read it. Her eyes quickly scanned it then read it again, slower. She looked up at me carefully as though I were a delicate piece of China that might crack any second. I hated that she thought of me like that. I hated that I made her think that way. All the years I spent high or drunk or screwing whores, I never considered the effect that had on my sister. Looking at her without the haze of chemicals, for the first time in longer than I could remember, I see the worry that etched itself into her face. Worry that I put there.

  “What the hell, Elijah? Are you okay?” she asked, still cautious of me. Instinctively, I went to her and wrapped her in a bear hug, pinning her arms to her sides. “Ugh, El, you’re squeezing the shit out of me! What are you doing?” she said with mock annoyance. I could hear relief in her voice.

  “I’m sorry, sis. I’m so sorry for the last ten years of bullshit I put you through. I promised you I was done with drugs and I am. You can stop worrying about me.” I kissed the top of her head and let her go.

  “How’d you do it so easily? No withdrawals or cravings? And now with her gone, can you still resist?” Her questions were frantic and doubtful. I had been able to quit with a fair amount of ease. I had a few withdrawal symptoms but nothing I couldn’t handle.

  “Look, I don’t think I was ever really addicted to the drugs. They made me numb and I didn’t want to feel. It was a choice to get high, Elsie. A bad choice, I’ll admit but a choice. The only thing I will admit to being addicted to is the booze. I’ve slowed way down on the booze but I haven’t quit that yet. I do get a bit shaky if I haven’t had it in a while but I haven’t been trashed since we left Portland. I’m okay, sis, I really am.”

  “I am glad to hear that. A little skeptical of course but happy nonetheless. I know you can do it, bro, it’s just been kind of hard all these years watching you waste away. It’s hard to believe that you can just stop, but I trust you and I will continue trusting you until you give me a reason not to. Now, this girl!” she said her worry replaced by a smile, her hand waving the note. “What’s going on? Why the fuck did she leave?”

  “To sort things out I guess. I imagine someone telling you that you aren’t who you’ve always thought you were has to big a shock and an adjustment. Plus, she has a life and a fiancé back home that she has to think about and straighten out. Can you imagine what her parents are going to do when they find out she’s with me again?” T
he thought pissed me off and gave me satisfaction at the same time. I didn’t hate most people, but I hated them. There was no forgiving what they did.

  “Is she with you though, El?” She asked, an emphasis on the, with, her hands signing quotations.